She Gives Good Head

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She Gives Good Head
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Copyright 2022 © Intimacy in Marriage
Years ago, I was having lunch with a woman who would eventually become one of my closest friends.
At the time of our lunch all those years ago, we were new colleagues, and we soon discovered we had a plethora of things in common — our love of sex being one of them.
To say she and I had great ease in talking about sex in our marriages would be an understatement. To this day, she is a confidante who I know will always be up for a transparent and authentic conversation about sexual struggles and sexual joys.
At our first lunch together, we eventually came upon the topic of oral sex, to which I said, “Who doesn’t love oral sex?!” She looked at me quizzically and asked, “Giving or receiving?”
“BOTH,” I answered enthusiastically. She agreed.
I know there are many wives out there who have never given oral sex to their husband, or if they have, they do not enjoy it. The reasons can vary, but suffice to say, most reasons would fall into at least one of the below categories:
“I associate it with promiscuous behavior.”
“Oral sex is something I did before I was married, and now I feel guilty doing it.”
“I don’t think it’s a Christian thing to do.”
“I don’t want him to come in my mouth.”
“I don’t know how to give oral sex right.”
“I’m self conscious. I just don’t know what I’m doing.”
If you are steadfast against giving oral sex to your husband, I am not sure if anything I write here is going to sway your opinion the other direction. I also recognize that some couples have mutually agreed to not include oral sex in their sexual intimacy, and I respect this choice.
My experience has been, though, that the exclusion of oral sex is rarely a mutual decision. Someone in the marriage has selfishly dismissed it without genuinely thinking through that decision (or the impact it has on their spouse). My heart is always to challenge people where they may be sabotaging intimacy.
From a biblical standpoint, many theologians (and average everyday Christians) agree with the interpretation of Song of Songs in the Old Testament. This poetic book gives us great imagery of passionate sexual love between a husband and wife. The challenge, of course, is that it is told primarily in allegory and metaphor.
The words “sex” and “oral sex” don’t appear in the book of Song of Songs. But we do get the below passages…
“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste.” Song of Songs 2:3
“Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” Song of Songs 4:16
“I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride. I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.” Song of Songs 5:1
“My lover has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies. I am my lover’s and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies.” Song of Songs 6:2-3
For a moment let’s put the interpretation debate aside and rely instead on good ol common sense. You would be hard pressed to find any married couple who thinks the only appropriate way to kiss is face to face with our mouths and lips.
We intuitively know that sexual passion affords us the freedom to kiss our spouse’s neck or their hand or their chest. A husband longs to kiss his wife’s breasts; a wife longs to be aroused this way. And those touches (just to name a few) are arousing.
So why would using our mouth to sexually bless our spouse’s genitals be any different?
It is no different. God has not arbitrarily drawn a line anywhere on our spouse’s body to indicate where sexual pleasure with our mouth is off limits.
“Okay, Julie, even if I can accept that oral sex is okay in God’s eyes, I’ve got all these other hurdles to get past.”
If your gag reflex is strong, then you will not be able to take your husband’s penis as deep into your mouth or you will have to go slower and/or you will not be able to swallow when he ejaculates. However, I think a lot of these can be overcome simply through practice.
Note to husbands: If her gag relfex is strong, then you may have to modify your expectations. Certainly you need to not force yourself deeper into her mouth.
Wives, if you can’t handle him coming in your mouth, then ask him to alert you that he is going to come. Pull his penis out of your mouth and let him come on your breasts or on a towel.
If you gave someone else (or even your husband) oral sex before you were married, good news! If you repent of that sin, you are indeed forgiven. What made oral sex wrong in those instances wasn’t the act itself, but rather the context in which it happened.
Same can be said when sex is portrayed among singles or glamorized in media, pornography or advertising — context means everything. When sex is taken out of the context of the exclusivity and sacredness of the covenant of marriage, that’s when it becomes sinful.
Oral pleasure with your husband is good and holy and God-honoring. You can choose to not associate oral sex with promiscuous behavior. Your mental stumbling block in this regard is self-created, so choose instead to embrace a healthier perspective.
This may seem obvious, but have you asked him to shower before he comes to bed — or at the minimum wash his penis and testicles well with a washcloth? I’m guessing that if you make this request with the suggestion that you would then be interested in oral sex, he will oblige.
Note to husbands: Come to bed clean guys. Come on. Clean yourself up down there. Trim the hair a little if you need to; wash thoroughly.
Most insecurities about giving oral sex can be overcome by simply asking him to tell you what feels good. Be honest. Say to him, “I want this to be really good for you, but you’re going to have to help me. Tell me what feels good and what doesn’t.”
When he gives you suggestions, don’t get defensive. The more you can develop good vulnerable dialogue about your sexual intimacy, the better!
Trust me, he wants it to feel good too, so I think he will welcome your request for input.
Note to husbands: Kindly give her some feedback and suggestions. Likewise, ask her what feels good when you please her orally.
An easy solution to this is have him sit on the edge of the bed and you kneel on the floor as you perform oral sex on him. This way your neck is in a more comfortable position.
Beyond asking him what feels good, there are some other techniques that are sure to increase his arousal and enjoyment of oral sex.
Men typically are visual, so have some light in the room and position yourselves so that he gets a good view of what you’re doing. This is easily accomplished by him propping a few pillows behind him.
Also, use your tongue gently up and down the shaft of his penis and his testicles, in addition to taking his entire penis in your mouth. A variety of touches, firm and gentle, with your tongue and hands can make oral sex off the charts for him.
I’ve long said that a good blow job is part hand job too, so don’t think for a moment that you have to use only your mouth. Use your hand as well to stroke his penis firmly as you bring his penis in and out of your mouth. For that matter, don’t be shy about rubbing his penis on your breasts. This can be very arousing for him and quite the visual experience as well.
Oral sex can fit well into your sexual intimacy, often as part of foreplay and occasionally as the main act all together. Communication is key.
As a wife, you ethically are the only one in your husband’s life who can sexually please him. No one else is charged with that privilege and responsibility. There is tremendous power in that, and I would argue it is a good and righteous power, because it is a pathway to deeper intimacy with the man you married.
For more reading specifically on oral sex, check out these posts:
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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My wife can understand why a few Christian women who will sacrifice and give oral sex out of selfless love. However she cannot understand women who say that they enjoy giving it!
Other solutions to the sore neck thing:
put a pillow under her bottom to lift her off the bed when he goes down.
lie on your sides facing each other when she goes down…put a pillow under her head so she is at his level.
After years of battling over the subject, I’ve accepted the fact that getting my wife to perform oral sex simply out of the goodness of her heart simply isn’t going to happen. I’m done trying to figure out how to encourage her to do it. It’s not worth the struggle.
Though she’s plenty happy to receive ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’ve never understood the moral taboo about oral sex. I would imagine most husbands & wives allow their spouses to kiss their breasts and other parts of their body. So, like you said, where is this imaginary line of where it’s ok to kiss and not ok to kiss?
Good Hygiene is must for oral sex. Start taking shower together and clean each other and then engage in oral sex. That would be a good start
Oral sex is a huge part of our marriage and always has been. My wife is very generous with it–thanks goodness. For us, it is always 50/50–if she gives it to me, I give it to her and vice versa. Funny aside: When my wife was pregnant she has horrible morning sickness. Long story short: She heard that semen can make it better. Well, to get right to it, the final sixish months of her pregnancy were heaven on earth for me…heaven on earth every single day. Turns out semen does help with morning sickness and she got her daily dose to show for it. I am a very spoiled husband when it comes to oral sex!
@Jeff, thanks but am I really that lucky? I just think that in a good marriage you have to have a really open sexual “book.” As far as when my wife was pregnant and getting her daily semen, yeah, it was fun. Every night (and some mornings) she was draining me. I actually think the hottest sex we ever had was while she was pregnant. Doesn’t hurt that she was all about my sperm.
My experience is exactly like Tom’s above.
She was totally inexperienced to start and kept suggesting she would get used to “all this sex stuff” Never happened.
Oral sex was not something we did early on in our marriage. I thought of it as something not proper and a product of porn. Then I read some well written marriage blogs on the subject. All the while I knew that my very patient husband wanted me to try it. It has been a year since then and I am glad that he did not give up on me. It has given a much needed spark to our intimacy. We both enjoy it.
Rachel
My wife loves giving me oral sex and I really love giving it to her.Sometimes I am so into giving her pleasure that I think I could just go on but then she says she needs me in her.
“@Jeff, thanks but am I really that lucky? I just think that in a good marriage you have to have a really open sexual “book.””
Man, there’s not a rolleyes big enough for this. If it was as cut and dried as you try to make it sound, blogs like this one wouldn’t need to exist.
Imy marriage oral sex is one of the many things we do in the bedroom. There are no issues regarding that, I understand that this particular article is just oral sex but in our marriage we are now diving even deeper in sexual activities. What are biblical thoughts on anal sex? Would that be inappropriate or are we able to explore that?
@Carmy — thank you for taking the time to comment. I have not written on my blog about anal sex (yet!) but that’s just because when I do, I want to make sure I’ve really thought through such a post. I don’t think it’s forbidden in marriage, but that it can’t be treated like every other sex act. There are just many factors that come into play and have to be considered. I will say that many of my feelings are echoed in this fabulous post by Ruth Buezis over at Awaken Love https://www.awaken-love.net/2017/09/21/a-respectful-frank-discussion-about-anal-sex/ I also address it in an offer I have going on now that you can find out more about at https://intimacyinmarriage.com/better-sex-in-your-marriage/ Thanks again ro commenting!
Yes Alex, you really are that lucky! :). My wife bait and switched me. Happy to perform it while dating. Will do it once a year now if I’m lucky. And like Tom above, she’s more than happy to receive
I know this is an older post but I wanted to comment. Recently the Lord has dealt with me about giving myself to my husband sexually and trusting Him with the outcome. I have been married 28 years. My marriage has been a rocky one. I am the second wife to a man that I thought was whole when we married but truly full of wounds and from a very restricted religious background full of criticism negativity and legalism. I have been very hurt by his ways through the years and have given it all to God. While I am not perfect by any means I know I am a good wife. Recently when the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to give myself to my husband sexually and trust Him with doing the work in my marriage I said ok, God .If you are telling me to do this you give me favor with this man because I have not been treated so wonderfully in the past but I do trust You. God answered my prayer. I gave myself to my husband and started with oral sex to show him I was dead serious. I didn’t even turn off the lights. When in the past I would have done so. Needless to say my husbands mind was blown and this one act has led to many more encounters. My husband through my giving myself to him via sex has begun to treat me like a queen. He knows (as God has moved upon him I am certain) –that I am the only person that can please him in this way. It has brought us close as he has opened up to me and after every encounter he talks to me about his worries and concerns and etc. My husband trusts me now as someone who will not hurt him and someone that can give him great pleasure like no one else can. God can use sex to heal a marriage and bring two distant people together. For many years I wanted to leave and God told me not to. It was bad. Bad with my husband and my in laws who were always hindrances. Anyway let me just say this. Do not doubt the ability of God to turn around a very bad situation. My marriage was dead and I had a lot of resentment. When God told to me to begin to love my husband sexually He added that He wanted to use me to be the ‘door” to reach my husband the way I had prayed for over 20 years. Now I can see the fruit of that obedience and God is turning this man from a selfish careless hurtful person to a man with a heart and soul that is turning to God. Anyway, I am sorry for the long long comments but Ladies, never underestimate the power you possess as a woman to plant seeds of love and desire and wanting into your husbands life. This is major stuff! If you are willing to let God use you to reach your mate and make him all that God means for him to be, get ready for good things to happen. Sex is paramount to marriage, in God’s eyes and also to that man you married.
I’ve read many Christian blogs on sex and oral sex. My question is, do you think it’s okay to just do oral sex sometimes to meet the needs of one another rather than full sex. I know sometimes one spouse might not be in the mood but would be willing to do oral to meet the other needs.
In this type of situation would it be okay & Christian like to let oral be the whole show every so often?
I don’t see any problem with oral being the only form of sexual contact from time to time if husband and wife agree to that. There have been times when my wife and I have enjoyed each other in this way and still felt connected and satisfied. It is a very intimate thing that can show how much one loves the other. During intercourse you are both giving and receiving simultaneously. With oral sex, most often only one is giving at time and so the givers pleasure is more emotional and spiritual because their focus is on their spouse.
Just my 2 cents,
What if you as a wife always gives but never recieves?
I agree with Miriam! Completely. About 8 weeks ago, God took a sexually DEAD marriage and breathed His life into it. We are still working out some wrinkles but it is totally transformed and most of that has to do with me pleasuring my husband. I look forward to this – even daily! – which is an absolute miracle. My husband is still in shock at what a miraculous transformation has taken place.
I am now open to all God has for us (and for me personally) sexually. I am re-evaluating EVERYTHING I have ever learned or been taught about sex – negative and positive.
I think the church has it ALL wrong. The one thing and the only thing they ha
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