Sharing My Wife With Another Guy

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Sharing My Wife With Another Guy
This is a little embarrassing, but have been wanting to ask someone about this for some time, but have never had the guts to ask any of my friends. My wife and I have a good friend (David). We've been friends with him for about 4 years. The 3 of us hang out a lot and he's gone with us on several trips to San Diego. He and my wife, Rachel, do spend some time together. For example, they work-out together, they've gone to the movies a couple times, etc. He also goes out with us a lot and when we do, they dance together, have a good time, flirt, etc. (most of the time, she's the one flirting with him). The embarrassing question is this (and go easy on me)...whenever my wife is with is with David, I am very turned-on by it. She's beautiful and I'm proud to be married to her, but for some reason, when she's with him, I like it and have no clue why. For some CRAZY REASON, I love it when she flirts with him, I get turned-on when they are dancing together, when they're out alone, etc., etc. He's good looking too (no, I'm not gay), so I'm pretty sure (though not certain) she's attracted to him. FYI, The 3 of us are in our early 30s. Please tell me I'm not crazy! The 3 of us go to San Diego a lot and we were supposed to go again in April, but I won't be able to go because of my job. I so want to tell Rachel that she can go to San Diego with Mark, but not sure if I should. I don't mind her going, but not sure what she would think if I said I didn't mind. -Paul
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19 Answers - ( Newest, 27 October 2013)

Read Deidre’s personal replies to today’s problems
I THOUGHT it would be a real turn-on for me if my wife had sex with another man.
She agreed to do it, saying it was for me. Now I wish I could turn back the clock.
We have been married for four years. She’s 33, I am 30. I had read about this stupid idea and thought, like many men I guess, it would be fantastic.
I fixed up for her to meet this man through a hook-up website.
She has been sleeping with the guy for weeks now. He is 29. They always arrange to go to the same hotel.
She returns home next morning and tells me what they got up to. She always says the sex is brilliant.
She gets constant texts from him. When he messages her she cheers up and offers me favours to agree to her seeing him again.
I wish I could refuse and mean it but she knows how to get round me and always has.
I feel wretched every time her phone rings. I asked her how she feels about this guy.
She said she doesn’t love him but he is very well-endowed.
I wish I had never mentioned the idea. I almost had to push her into it to start with but now she gets moody when I ask her to stop seeing him.
She says that if I carry on being difficult about it we will probably split up. We have a lovely home, a good social life and jobs. I don’t want to lose any of those.
I love my wife dearly. I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I can’t concentrate at work either. Why did I ever come up with the idea in the first place?
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t let her comments about his physique get you down. Good sex isn’t just about inches. Keep telling your wife you love her and want to have a wonderful sex life with her. Work at that and your relationship generally.
My e-leaflets Thrilling A Woman In Bed and Looking After Your Relationship should help. Give it a while, then tell her she cannot continue having two men in her life, that you want her with you 100 per cent.
If you have made enough effort with your relationship and are firm enough that she has to choose, hopefully she will tell him it’s over.
If she won’t, I am afraid you have lost her anyway. That would be sad but you’re already unhappy. Continuing to share her indefinitely like this would wreck your self-esteem.
MY dad put a camera in the room where I slept when I visited him as a child. He sometimes climbed into bed beside me and I’d often wake to find him touching me under my nightie.
I am now a woman of 24. I have a partner but dare not tell him about this. He would go mental.
My parents split up when I was a baby. I was about 13 when I realised what he did was wrong and told my mum. She stopped me going there.
My dad now has a new girlfriend with a small daughter. What if he is messing with her too? Do I tell him I know what he did to me or do I tell someone close to him? I don’t want anything bad to happen to him but I need closure.
His girlfriend’s daughter has told me he goes to her room and tickles her back. He used to do that to me.
DEIDRE SAYS: I am sure you want to make sure this little girl doesn’t suffer as you did. Your dad’s girlfriend will have no idea of his history.
My e-leaflet Worried A Child Is At Risk? explains more but of course it feels scary to report him.
Start by talking in confidence to the NSPCC helpline ( nspcc.org.uk , 0808 800 5000).
Seeing this vulnerable child safe should help to give you the closure you need but in the meantime you can find understanding support through the National Association for People Abused in Childhood ( napac.org.uk , 0808 801 0331).
I FOUND a stack of my wife’s old mobile phone bills while going through some paperwork during a recent house move.
The bills went back six years or more and there were hundreds of text messages to the same number every month.
My wife is 33 and works part-time. I am 35. We have been married for eight years.
I did a bit of research and discovered that the person sending the messages was a male colleague of hers.
The nature of his work meant that he travelled about and that is when they texted one another.
I spoke to my wife about it and she just said this took place years ago and they sent messages to each other when they weren’t busy. Am I being paranoid?
Might she have been having an affair?
This is constantly on my mind and I find I keep checking up on her.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you and your wife get on well otherwise, accept her explanation and try to let the issue go.
Otherwise, you will be eaten up with jealousy and it will drive a wedge between you both.
Instead, try to focus on your relationship as it is now, especially its strengths.
Talk to your wife and figure out together whether any changes could be made.
This would be far more positive than brooding over what was probably trivial and a long time ago.
MY boyfriend is lovely and caring but our sex life, which was amazing at first, has started to crumble.
We have been together for a year. I am 30 and he is five years older. For six months now he hasn’t been staying hard when we have sex.
He said he would see the doctor but hasn’t. If I mention it he says he has a lot on his plate and can’t deal with the stress of sorting it out. It has been months since he has even pleasured me or wanted me to pleasure him.
He is going through a lot with his ex and I feel I am selfish if I mention it again.
I have been patient and haven’t even thought about sleeping with anyone else but I can’t survive like this.
DEIDRE SAYS: It isn’t selfish to want a fulfilling sex life.
Your boyfriend is feeling overwhelmed but ignoring the problem just adds to the stress he’s under. That in turn makes his erection problems worse.
Take the lead to get the two of you kissing and cuddling and touching again. Don’t aim for full sex, just build intimacy.
Make an appointment for him with his GP, as this could be a symptom of a health problem.
And my e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems might also be of help.
MY ex called round to collect our daughter, saw that I had put on a dress and done my hair and make-up, and automatically assumed I was meeting another man.
I was going for a drink and a chat with my sister, as I do every week, but he sent angry texts all evening insisting he’d bring our little girl back early. He slammed the door so hard when he arrived that he damaged it.
I made light of the incident for our daughter’s sake as she is only seven, but I am so stressed. I only get that one evening off each week. It is my one break.
My ex and I parted on bad terms. He is 40, I am 32.
If I don’t do as he says he threatens to tell Social Services that I am a bad mother.
He uses our daughter as a weapon to spite me but she is always bottom of his list of priorities.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right to try to keep the worst of the conflict from your little girl but she will be picking up on the tension.
Talk to your ex when she is not around. Say you want him to be involved with her as it is good for her to know she has a loving dad, but that you need better ground rules as you both need to lead your own lives.
Ask him to come with you for family mediation. You can find a family mediator through the Family Mediators Association ( thefma.co.uk , 01355 244 594).
My Kids In The Middle booklet can help too – download it at thesun.co.uk/kidsinthemiddle .
GOING through my dad’s papers after he died, I discovered he was adopted. He never told me and it’s made my grief over losing him even worse.
It feels as if I never really knew him.
He was 78 and his death was not unexpected as he had been very ill, but I am still trying to cope with the shock of losing him. I am 46 and his only son.
Through research, my sister and I have discovered his biological parents’ identities. It looks like his dad died and his mum couldn’t afford to keep him.
He wasn’t happy with his adoptive parents (as I now know they are) and they lost touch long before I was born. It’s so sad and I’m hurt he never shared this.
I am still grieving for my dad and uncovering this mystery seems to have made losing him worse.
The saddest thing is now it is too late to talk to him about it and understand why he kept this to himself.
DEIDRE SAYS: I can understand your hurt but he is the same person he always was – the dad you loved.
His generation were brought up to believe personal issues were best kept private and it was probably tied up with painful memories for him. You were part of his fresh, happier, start in life.
How you feel now is part of your grieving and you can get support for that through Cruse Bereavement Care ( cruse.org.uk , 0844 477 9400).
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.
Email me here , private message me on Facebook , or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
You can also follow me on Twitter @deardeidre .
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I share my nights between my boys, kiss them both when they walk in from work, and sit in the middle on the couch.
My husband is my life. He is my best friend, my rock, my confidant and an absolutey amazing father to our three children. We were high school sweethearts and spent all of our spare time together. We shared every aspect of our life and I could have never imagined my life with anyone else.
Sexually we were very comfortable, and in our younger years dabbled in the world of swinging. The bond we had enabled us to share ourselves and each other, and trust that our emotions and physical fun could be happily kept separate.
Once the kids were a little older and we were comfortable leaving them with a sitter, we started to re-ignite our social life, and began enjoying our weekends out again.
The mention of visiting a swingers club (where couples swap partners for an evening) had come up a few times, and eventually we decided to take the plunge. We set our rules before we headed in, both extremely nervous, neither knowing what to expect.
The night was fabulous, we met amazing people, loved the friendly relaxed atmosphere and felt more than comfortable ending the night with the intentions we had in mind.
That night pretty much determined our social schedule for the next six months, and we didn’t miss a theme night. Our bond became like nothing we had had before, the days following a night out we would chat endlessly about our experiences and opinions on different couples. We were husband and wife, and best friends. Giving each other tips and tricks, giggling about terrible experiences and appreciating even more what we both had at home.
Then everything changed the night I met Sam. He was older and cheeky and I immediately felt drawn to him. We didn’t spend a lot of time chatting that night, but when we returned a couple of weeks later I secretly felt excited to see that Sam and his partner had attended the club again too.
We talked a lot during the night, and at some point a group of us had discussed attending another club close by, so we all exchanged numbers with the intention of making it a group event.
The next morning I awoke to a text message from Sam, telling me that he thought I was the sexiest woman in the club. I had never had anyone so openly compliment me, I felt proud and filled with excitement. I showed my husband, who had a little giggle, but also questioned how Sam had my number.
One of our rules was no number exchanging with the opposite sex and at the time, although Sam’s partner put my number into a phone, I was unaware it was his phone she was using, not hers. It was a non issue between hubby and I, as we were both aware the exchanges were to plan for the following weekend.
The weekend couldn’t come fast enough, I was extremely attracted to Sam, and was hoping that the opportunity would arise for some fun. We all had an amazing night, and although there were no sexual encounters, I think we all realized we had established a pretty good group. Our “pack” so to speak.
Everyone ended up staying back at our place and the next morning while Sam’s partner cooked breakfast and my husband headed off to work, Sam and I chatted on our own. Our first alcohol free, one-on-one chat. The conversation was so natural, we both spoke of our past, and told each other things we wouldn’t often chat about so soon to new friends. I felt extremely comfortable with him, and I knew he felt the same. I was disappointed when they had to leave that day, but looked forward to the many social events to come.
Over the following weeks my husband and Sam became great friends, they would clown around at the club and I loved every minute the three of us were together. I hadn’t seen my husband click with another male like he did with Sam, and the fact that I also enjoyed his company so much meant it was a win for us both.
Sam and I continued to text, and there was a lot of flirting. Nothing unfaithful, and, at the time, nothing that either of us thought harmful. It was certainly obvious that both Sam and I were extremely eager to experience each other one night at the club, but with the rules my husband and I had in place, it had to happen the right way, I couldn’t just disappear into a room with him one night.
After what felt like months, the night finally came. I had had a little too much alcohol, as had he, but we had a great time. The sexual attraction I had built toward Sam over the weeks had become extremely strong, and I figured like most encounters at the club, once it had happened the sexual tension would ease. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case, and I was left looking forward to the next opportunity to be with him.
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