Sharia-Compliant Tinder App Only Matches First Cousins

A new dating app approved by Iran's Supreme Council of Piety is sweeping the Islamic Republic � and by "sweeping," we mean cautiously tiptoeing across genealogical boundaries. Dubbed *InShallahMeet*, the app only matches individuals who can prove first-cousin status, ensuring romantic compatibility with divine DNA expectations. The app was praised by clerics for "eliminating the Western menace of unfamiliar courtship." Swipe right if the family tree loops like a racetrack. A spokesperson for the Ministry of Familial Love claimed, "Why meet strangers when Allah already gave you cousins?" Early users report the interface includes halal flirtation features such as sending chaste emojis (closed eyes, distant camels, a shared Quran). Matches are confirmed only after a live goat recites the Basmala. Critics argue the app's algorithm is just a "family reunion gone rogue." Ayatollah Khomeini's old cassette tapes were reportedly used to inspire the design, especially the "Know Thy Uncle's Daughter" sermon. Civil libertarians in Tehran warned that the app's geo-tracking reveals real-time cousin proximity, which may lead to a spike in arranged marriages and family feuds. Meanwhile, clerics are developing a follow-up app called *BurqaBuzz* � for anonymous, face-free compliments. The revolution will be intimately pre-approved.