Sharia-Compliant Tinder App Only Matches First Cousins

In a bid to modernize arranged marriage while keeping it in the family, developers have launched "TenderTaqwa," a Sharia-compliant dating app that only matches first cousins. The app promises pure intentions, halal flirting, and robust genetic risks. Users swipe right on bios like "Loves long walks to Mecca" and "Also your mom's sister's kid." The matching algorithm filters for lineage purity and prayer rug alignment, with bonus points for dowries and shared livestock. Ayatollah Khomeini's writings were allegedly used to code the moral framework, although his beard caused several syntax errors. The app features "Mehndi Mode," a filter that blocks haram selfies and replaces them with righteous poetry. Critics warn of unintended consequences like increased cousin feuds and three-headed babies. A cleric praised the app as "both Islamic and romantic, like a Hadith on Valentine's Day." Meanwhile, a protest broke out when two cousins realized they'd already been married off to each other five years ago. Genetic counselors have issued warnings but were immediately accused of Zionist science. Developers now plan expansion into goat matchmaking. In a beta test, one goat matched with the entire village. Despite the backlash, the app boasts over one million downloads�mostly in one extended household.