Sexy Black Sister

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Countering "going to do it anyway."

I recently completed a graduate course in character education in which we were required to carry out an "action project." For my project I chose to use character-based sex education to try to instill in my younger sister and her friend the self-respect, self-control, and courage needed to lead moral, fulfilling, and healthy lives.
I wanted to inform my 14-year-old sister Kathy about something that I unfortunately just began to take seriously: abstinence. Sure, I have always known what the word meant, but I had never considered it an option for me, until recently. I felt that it was my responsibility to pass the philosophy of abstinence on to my sister because I know that she will not get it in the "going to do it anyway" program that is used at her high school. Also, she is a virgin (her friend is, too), so I wanted to show her how important it is to hold onto that purity.
I started these discussions when I accidentally overheard my sister Kathy, and her friend, Michelle, talking about a "slut" that one of their friends was dating. I asked them why they considered her a slut, and Michelle responded: "She has slept with at least eight guys already, and she is easy." I asked them to think about why this girl is so promiscuous. Kathy said, "She's trying to keep a boyfriend." They assumed that having sex was a way of holding onto a boyfriend and showing love for one another. They also assumed that condoms would protect them from disease and pregnancy and that having sex had no implications for their future adult lives. My goal was to dispel all these myths.
We first tackled the issue of sex as "showing love" or "keeping a boyfriend." I used the girl they were talking about as an example of how boyfriends come and go whether girls have intercourse with them or not. We also talked about girls' feelings when they are rejected after giving part of themselves to another person. I then told them about my having pre-marital sex, and how I wished these relationships had never occurred and that the only true way to find out if a guy loves you is to make him wait until marriage.

We talked about the self-respect and courage involved in leading sexually abstinent lives until marriage. These two young girls developed a new awareness of how truly loving relationships and commitments develop and are sustained. Their awareness was evident in their response to my disclosing that I recently told my boyfriend that I wanted to abstain from sex from now on and he said he could not do this. I asked Kathy and Michelle if they thought the relationship was worth continuing, and they both said, "No, he does not love you if he won't wait for you." I was proud of their answer.
I gave real-life examples of teens who became pregnant or who contracted STDs even with the use of condoms; one of those persons was a close friend of mine.
I also wanted to make these girls aware of the physical dangers of pre-marital sex. I gave real-life examples of teens who became pregnant or who contracted STDs even with the use of condoms; one of those persons was a close friend of mine. They were shocked to find out that this friend contracted herpes from sexual intercourse while using a condom. We considered the possible implications of such diseases: the inability to conceive a baby, passing on a sexual disease to your spouse, and transmitting a disease to your baby in the womb or during delivery.
Besides being more confident in their virginity, Kathy and Michelle have now set the personal goal of saving sex for marriage. They also no longer pick apart boys or girls who are sexually active by calling them "sluts" or "pimps" but instead focus on the deeper consequences of such behaviors and on what promiscuous girls and boys must be lacking in their lives.
My sister and Michelle have recently asked two of their friends to join us in our discussions. I've also shared my project with the parents of these girls. These parents are beginning to realize that abstinence-based sex education is more beneficial than the model now used at their daughters' high school.
A pdf version of this article is available here .
Jessica Burberry. "Teaching my younger sister about sex and love." excellence & ethics (Summer, 1998).
Reprinted with permission. Excellence & Ethics , published by the Center for the 4th and 5th Rs , is the education letter of the Smart & Good Schools Project. It features essays, research, and K-12 best practices that help school leaders, teachers, students, parents, and community members do their best work (performance character) and do the right thing (moral character).
excellence & ethics is published twice a year and may be subscribed to, without cost, here .
Jessica Burberry (a pseudonym) is a first-year elementary school teacher and a graduate student in education at SUNY Cortland.
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I stayed at my sister’s house recently, as I have done many times when my husband works away from home.
However, on this particular night, she was called into work at the hospital at short notice.
I went to bed early but got up to go to the bathroom.
As I passed her bedroom, the door was ajar and I heard moaning from inside where my brother-in-law was supposed to be sleeping.
I saw him through the crack in the door and, for some reason that I cannot fathom, I took a deep breath, opened the door and stood there watching him pleasure himself.
He got even more excited so then I dropped my dressing gown and joined him in the bed. We had fantastic sex and never said a word to each other.
Since then nothing has been mentioned about this by either of us – it’s as if it never happened – but I can’t stop thinking about him.
This is weird for me as I have never been the sort of person to take matters into my own hands before or do anything impulsive.
I’m also 50 now and have been through the menopause, so what’s happening to me?
Maybe it’s connected to going through the menopause in your 40s. You might have wanted to prove that you’re still a sexual being and attractive to men. However, it’s just terribly sad that you’ve chosen your sister’s husband to live out this fantasy with.
You’re also married yourself, so you’ve cheated on your own hubby as well as betrayed your sister.
I think you know in your own heart that if you have any chance of having a relationship with your sister in the future that you a) can’t revisit it b) you can’t stay the night at hers again and c) you can’t tell her what happened.
What’s worrying is that you can’t stop thinking of him. I’m not condoning what either of you did, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. This might be one of those times, if you can guarantee it won’t happen again.
If you come clean, she’ll either dump her husband and your relationship will never be the same, or she’ll stay and cut you out. If you stay quiet, you have to live with it. Only you can decide.
The chances are if you did stay at your sister’s and she was called into work, it would happen again and become a regular thing.
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