Sexually Submissive

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Sexually Submissive
13 Big Signs You're In Love With A Sexually Submissive Man
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By Joyce Snyder — Written on Dec 04, 2021
When you think of a sexually submissive man who's aroused by dominant women, chances are you picture a meek, awkward, beta male who will go to embarrassing lengths to please his date.
In reality, submissive men are just as likely to be a fit, confident and successful professional (think: corporate executives, doctors, or attorneys).
Since many submissive men have high-powered jobs that require them to always be in control, they want nothing more than to relinquish that responsibility in their off-hours. They seek strong, authoritative, and even sadistic women (called Dommes) who can dish out what they crave.
Although pro-Dommes are well-paid, there are women called lifestyle Dommes who dominate men without compensation because it is their preference and their way of life.
While researching my book " Mistress Pussycat: Adventures with Submissive Men in the World of Femdom ", I learned all about female domination of submissive men (or femdom): a large, thriving subculture that's often misrepresented.
Does he talk a lot about "high-powered women" and get excited simply speaking about female politicians or business leaders? When asking what a woman does at work, does he follow up by asking whether she "runs the show"?
Submissive men often have a reverence for super-successful females.
Does he love having a woman make all the decisions about dates and outings? Is he pleased because she's not relying on him to lead? When a female complains about the service or asserts herself in public, is he overly impressed by her behavior?
What a misogynistic guy might deem "neurotic b*tchiness," he praises as "magnificent."
Is he a huge fan of high-heeled shoes with a pronounced disdain for flats or comfort shoes? Does he go crazy for Louboutins?
Those red soles send many subs into a frenzy. To him, they're practically power and female dominance incarnate.
A regular guy will ask, "Do you work out?" But a sub will inquire, "Do you get regular pedicures?"
The sub rarely cares whether or not a woman is overweight because her feet are his particular treat. He'll typically compliment her toes and look forward to giving foot rubs.
When it comes to penetrative sex, he isn't at all enthusiastic, maintaining it "isn't his thing." Many submissive men abhor intercourse and are often turned on by sexual rejection.
This doesn't mean he's homosexual or even bisexual — just straight and submissive.
Being physically below his woman excites the sub. You'll often find him sleeping on the floor beside his Domme's bed or asking his lady to perch on a chaise while he sits below (often while massaging her feet!).
Does he often shave his body hair: chest, legs, and pubic area? Unless he's a competitive swimmer, this is one possible sign of a sub.
Submissive men don't just make great parents; they are often overly involved in their children's lives. A sub will travel far to attend his kid's every athletic game or school activity.
He relishes being a caregiver. In the event of divorce, subs will often initiate a custody battle.
Subs fetishize cleaning and are always happy to perform the most menial chores.
Whether it's dusting or the laundry, a submissive man will consider helping out with the housework a blissful part of his daily existence.
These guys have major female-first manners and put extra emphasis on deference toward women. Look for exaggerated signs of chivalry.
Many subs make florid demonstrations of opening doors and pulling out chairs for their ladies. When out on the town with their date, they pointedly ask if the meal, table or seat is to her satisfaction.
Subs can be like cats: they often love being in tight spaces. There are few claustrophobes found among their ranks.
A sub loves to see his date dress down the waiter for any perceived misdeed. He likes it when she's tough on him as well.
The more demanding she is, the more he'll apologize and appease, loving every minute of it.
Does he drone on and on about female superiority ? How women hold most of the wealth in this country? That women are better at tolerating pain? Why women are the superior sex?
He'll mention how women are making advances in business, politics, and leadership and seem excited, not threatened, by the fact.
Before you set your sights on a man who might be a sub, know that if you've correctly identified his lifestyle, he'll expect you to fulfill your side of the bargain, too.
The vast majority of submissive men don't crave or even want conventional sex. This doesn't mean they have no needs or make no demands — their desires are just out of the ordinary.
These guys are often aroused by being teased, humiliated, degraded, punished, and controlled.
If you don't find satisfaction in dishing out such things, the femdom lifestyle and the submissive men who love it aren't for you.
Joyce Snyder is a Manhattan-based relationship counselor for submissive men who'd like their wife or female partner to take the lead. As a journalist, her articles have appeared in The Washington Post. She is a graduate of The University of Georgia School of Journalism.
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We all recognise the popular image of submissive men who worship women and get off on being dominated.
I wrote about it recently and had many positive responses from people saying they totally understood the motives. So why is it that submissive women are often perceived very differently?
When I spoke of my intention to write an article about submissive women, I was surprised by the negative reaction.
‘But why would a woman want to be dominated’, some people said. ‘What’s the point of feminism if women allow men to order them around in the bedroom?’
This response is perhaps understandable on the surface, but it misses the point. Sexual kinks and fetishes do not (usually) translate from the bedroom to the outside world, let alone to the boardroom.
Surely the very point of equality is acknowledging that women can have the same desires as men? And the fact that so many women hold positions of power these days makes it more likely that some of them will get off on the act of occasionally handing over that power in the most intimate ways imaginable.
Surely everyone should be free to indulge their kinks without shame or judgment, regardless of gender? I spoke to women who are happy being sexually submissive and asked them what they get out of it.
‘I have heard every lame comment, including the suggestion that most women’s submission is just laziness and an unwillingness to be active in sex. Sex is the only situation in which I would be at all overly compliant.
‘I work in a high visibility job with enormous pressure and a lot of autonomy – I like to think I’m nice but apparently I’m intimidating.
‘Yes, life’s stressful and I am a single girl – I pay all my own bills and there’s no one looking after me in any sense. But in bed I want to be looked after.
‘I don’t want to make the decisions, I don’t want the responsibility. I am tired of taking care of everyone (I come from a large family) and in the bedroom I want to surrender, knowing that if I do as I’m told, I’ll get looked after – I’ll be given what I want.
‘I need a partner to prove to me that they can dominate me and are worthy of my submission.
‘I’m claustrophobic and can’t be tied up, so any control has to be implicit rather than literal. I need someone to be able to restrain me with just a calm word or a glance.
‘And I will test this. ‘Bratty’ is the term, I think? I won’t comply the first time someone asks me to do something. I won’t just say whatever I’m being told to say, but a good and capable partner will be able to make me say it.
‘As a kid I abhorred being called a good girl – even as a child it seemed patronising. So it came as a shock that it turned me on when someone said it to me during sex – it was a real juxtaposition of hating something and being turned on by it.
‘Another example – at the end of a night out with my favourite beau during which he had tormented me with his hand up my dress when no one could see, my tolerance for any more teasing was very low.
‘I outright asked him to just make me come and he said, quietly and menacingly, ‘don’t you ever presume to tell me how to f**k you’. Sounds terrible, right?
‘But it worked, because I trust him and knew he was taking a gamble on it being something I would like. I cannot imagine anyone speaking to me like that in any other setting.
‘For me, submission is about care. I want to let go and know that my needs will be met.
‘I wouldn’t be at all satisfied with someone dominating me, telling me to do things and then not making me come. It’s not all one sided.’
What interested me was how a couple who were happily equal in their relationship could balance this against having a sub/dom relationship in the bedroom – surely it would impact on how they felt about each other the rest of the time? Lucy disagrees.
‘I am submissive in the bedroom, but in no way do I suffer from lack of self esteem in everyday life.
‘We don’t do it every time we have sex, we tend to make special dates – just as other couples may make a dinner date – which heightens the anticipation leading up to it.
‘I enjoy the abandonment of being ‘used and abused’ but we make sure we both enjoy the experience.
It can be a release from everyday stresses, but I think it goes deeper than that.
‘As a child I was raised to believe that only ‘sluts’ enjoy sex – being tied up is a way to avoid the guilt that has been ingrained from a young age.
‘You have to be strong and very trusting to be a sub. We find that it increases our connection as a couple as we share a fetish that we both enjoy immensely.
‘My body always gives away that I’m enjoying the experience – Matt would immediately stop if he knew things were going too far. And we communicate a lot during sessions, which improves our relationship as well as our sex life.
‘I enjoy a certain amount of pain, but Matt always checks he’s not being too rough – in fact he’s more cautious than I am.
‘I don’t feel diminished or lesser because of it, in fact it’s quite empowering being a sub – it makes me feel very sexy and turned on.
‘It’s something we share that nobody else is aware of, which makes it feel naughty in a very good way.
‘I don’t feel inferior at all, as what we do in the bedroom in no way reflects who we are in everyday life. I am a feminist and sub/dom play in no way impacts on that.’
Matt explained to me how being sexually dominant over his wife doesn’t mean he lacks respect for her – in fact in his opinion it has quite the opposite effect.
‘Before meeting Lucy I had no real idea I was a Dom. When we met I asked what she liked in the bedroom and her reply is etched into my memory – ‘I like to be a bit submissive’.
‘The biggest understatement of the century. I took me a while to get my head round it all and it involved much talking.
‘Being Dom, anything I want is on the menu (unless we’ve agreed no to certain things – the list is short on that one) so it’s like being a kid in a sweetie shop.
‘It turns me on to know that whatever I choose to do to her is not only OK, it turns her on the more I make her do it.
‘The most important thing is using the sub’s surrender to turn her on. You know you can inject an extra dimension by mixing the pleasures, ad-libbing so she doesn’t quite know whats coming.
‘Feeling her body respond to what you are doing makes you feel powerful, so long as the response is positive.
‘There’s total love and trust between us – we can communicate our desires without fear of judgement. It increases the level of respect we have for each other as we’ve laid ourselves bare emotionally and sexually and accepted who each of us is with only encouragement, no judgement.
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‘Lucy is always in command. We use a traffic light system of safe words – ‘red’ is stop, ‘amber’ is close to a limit, ‘green’ means oh my god keep going. And it’s that that makes it such a turn on.
‘I’m being allowed to do all these things with her consent. The sub/dom relationship is for the bedroom – in normal life we treat each other as a loving respectful couple.’
The last word goes to Honey, who likens her love of submission to a great white knuckle ride.
‘There is definitely no part of my submission that is about me being inferior. In fact, I think it’s because I am a thrill seeker that submission works for me.
‘I love the rush of endorphins. I love the way that for a little while, I don’t have to analyse and make the decisions. I love being able to enjoy the sensations and the experiences.
‘It’s like a roller coaster ride – if I was in charge of the ride, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it in the same way that the passengers do.’
*Some names have been changed. Comments have been edited for clarity.
If you liked this story you should give our new sex podcast Good Sex Bad Sex a listen – it’s out every Wednesday.
The show is available now on iTunes here and on Soundcloud here .
Metro bloggers Miranda Kane and Bibi Lynch co-host the show, chatting to a different guest about all things sex and relationships each week.
Think good cop bad cop – but with more handcuff action.

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The #MeToo movement is helping countless women speak out against sexual abuse and the power dynamics involved with it. So, it might seem wrong to encourage women to have submissive sex. After all, won’t this make matters worse for women?
Turns out that playing with power during sex is actually very empowering and something you should try – at least once!
The idea of power dynamics in sexual interactions might not seem like it relates to you.
But if you take a closer look at your current relationship, there are definite power dynamics at play. And there are either submissive partners or dominant partners when it comes to sex. Which one are you? How about your partner?
Couples can be made up of one submissive and one dominant partner. Or, two submissive partners, or two dominant partners. But in general, one person is the dominant sexual partner and the other is submissive.
Partners who perform the dominant role usually take the lead during sex. So, they initiate, guide, suggest, and are generally more assertive than their partner. On the other hand, submissive partners like to follow the lead and respond to their partner.
It’s important to remember that just because you or your partner are dominant (or submissive) in the bedroom, doesn’t mean you play those roles in the rest of your relationship – or in all areas of the relationship. And usually, you’ll find that these power dynamics just occur naturally once you’re under the sheets.
So, how do these natural power dynamics fit into submissive sex?
Submissive sex takes the natural power dynamics of dominant and submissive sex partners and places a hyper-focus on them.
So, for example, if you’re usually the submissive type, you can actually switch and take on the dominant role. Or, if you’re usually the dominant type, you can really step into your role and play out your fantasies.
In short, with submissive sex, someone holds the power and gets to command the other partner. And while you might not like that sort of thing outside of the bedroom, it can be a major turn on for both people during sex.
According to Leon F. Seltzer , Ph.D., women experience a paradox within their sexuality. He explains that “All of us appear to possess subcortical circuits for sexual dominance as well as submission.”
Therefore, even though women (and men) are capable of switching between roles, Seltzer and other researchers have found that there’s a “very complex relationship with [a woman’s] desire to be dominant or submissive.”
All this to say that if you desire to be either submissive or dominant, you should explore this. Not only is it something biologically part of the human psyche, but it’s also something that can be very exciting to explore with your partner.
It’s super important to keep in mind that not all submissive sex is made equal. After all, when one partner abuses power dynamics and takes advantage of the other person, psychological, physical and emotional harm can occur.
Therefore, it’s crucial that submissive sex be consensual and something that both partners want.
What’s more, if you already enjoy a loving and trusting relationship, it can be very arousing and satisfying.
If submissive sex is new territory for you, it might be hard to imagine why it’s empowering for women. But here are five reasons why playing with power dynamics can supercharge your femininity.
Each person is very complex, but we usually express one side of ourselves. With submissive sex, you get to tap into other areas of your personality within a safe and intimate setting.
And since submissive sex is so different from how you normally behave in everyday life, it can really enrich your experience as a woman.
Whether you decide to be the dominant or
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