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10 ways to have sex with strangers during lockdown
The best sex toys to suit every scenario
Rhalou Allerhand
Rhalou is a Digital Editor specialising in health and wellness across Hearst’s titles, covering everything from sexual health to parenting.
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What is virtual sex and is it risky? Read our tips, tricks and advice for how to enjoy safe and steamy sex via phone, video and webcam.
Bored, lonely and horny as a goat? If the long lockdown nights are starting to take their toll and you're looking for human connection, now is the time to dip your toe in the virtual sex pond.
But cyber sex is not just for singletons. People in monogamous relationships forced to be apart by the pandemic and new lovers separated by social distancing have all been making the most of rapidly evolving technology to hook up from afar. And aside from being the most sensible option during the global health crisis, using phones, video and pictures to connect sexually can also be seriously hot.
To help you get the best from virtual sex we spoke to sex, love, and empowerment coach Lorrae Bradbury about how to safely utilise technology to transform your lockdown into a cyber sex party:
Gone are the days of meeting strangers in dive bars for kicks and virtual sex has taken over. In fact, a recent study carried out by the University of Indiana Bloomington Kinsey Institute found that technology can facilitate sexual and emotional interactions. Thanks to the dawn of technology you can enjoy seriously steamy sexual and emotional encounters from the safety of your own phone.
'Virtual sex is an erotic exchange between two or more people on a digital platform, whether that’s a video call, Snapchat, phone conversation, or could even be sexting over texts,' explains Bradbury. 'Virtual sex doesn’t necessarily have to include video or photos, but could be an erotic conversation on the phone or through messages.' What more excuses do you need to fire up your laptop?
So you've met someone online and you're ready to get intimate, or perhaps you're lovers in real life who can't be together right now. How do you take it to the next level, what if you're shy about revealing yourself online, and should you be worried about privacy concerns? If the concept of webcam sex scares the bejesus out of you but you seriously need to get your rocks off, you have come to the right place.
'Whenever you’re having a conversation with a new person, it’s important to be mindful of the personal information you share, whether that’s identifying information or sexual images or videos,' advises Bradbury. 'Establish a baseline of trust and connection, and only share information or content that you feel comfortable with,' she adds.
In short, trust your instincts and be honest about how you feel before you get busy on video. 'Everyone’s comfort level is going to be different, so be clear about your expectations and boundaries,' adds Bradbury. 'Use your intuition on someone’s trustworthiness, and know that you can’t eliminate risk whenever exploring intimacy either virtually - or in real life.'
If you're new to the world of virtual sex you may find it daunting. Getting up close and personal with a lover is scary enough in the real world, but add a webcam into the mix and it's perfectly normal to experience stage fright. Don't let your fears stand in the way of sexual gratification! These are unprecedented times with no clear end to lockdown in sight, so now is the time to familiarise yourself with cyber sex and point that webcam in the direction of you bed.
Now is the time to familiarise yourself with cyber sex and point that webcam in the direction of you bed.
But what's the first step to getting laid over the digital airwaves? Once you've found someone you're keen to experiment with, simply have a chat about it. 'Having a clear conversation will lead to a more pleasurable experience, and doesn’t ruin the mood,' says Bradbury. 'Get clear on the type of content you’re comfortable sending, and don’t go past those boundaries. You might prefer just phone or text conversations, just photos, or pre-recording a video in advance versus being live in a video call.'
If you don't yet know your new playmate and you're anxious about internet safety, there are a few things you can to do practise safe virtual sex before getting started. To minimise the risk of content being revealed that you’re not comfortable with, Bradbury recommends the following tips:
⚠️ Virtual sex rules are the same online as offline and consent is still key, so ask nicely before you start touching yourself or doing anything sexual on video or over text.
Once you've established a few ground rules, now is the time to start enjoying yourself and get stuck in. There are a number of ways you can get fruity on and offline to keep the fires burning until you've both been vaccinated, so take your time:
To get started, led by the above mentioned safety tips, communicate your desires, establish your boundaries and explain what you are prepared to do. If this all sounds a bit serious, make it sexy! Tell your lover exactly what you are keen to do in detail, and you'd be surprised how erotic this can make you feel. If you're shy, ask your lover to tell you what they want to do to you, and gently whisper which ones on their list are going to happen.
The great thing about virtual sex is it can start anywhere, at anytime, so if you have a date arranged for the weekend you can start the foreplay in advance. That way you'll both be thinking sexual thoughts about each other long before you actually connect online.
'Try texting little commands to each other throughout the week,' suggests Bradbury. 'It could be something simple like “wear your sexiest panties and show me tonight” or something naughtier like “take 5 minutes to leave work and play in the bathroom”.'
You can't be together right now but you can connect in other ways, so prepare a sexy survival package and post it to your lover. Include sex toys , sensual candles , aphrodisiac snacks (chocolate travels better by post than oysters) and warming massage oils in your parcel, and ask your lover to open it on camera while you watch. This way you can feel physically connected from afar, and watching your lover experiment with their gifts can engage all the senses and be sexy as hell.
❗Remember to clean everything with sterile wipes before posting to prevent the spread of COVID-19 , and experiment with the truth when they ask what's in your parcel at the post office.
Great sex is often about anticipation of what's to come, so use your smart phone to your advantage and send sexy ideas to your lover throughout the week.
'Did you find a hot clip that turns you on? Or stumble across a sex tip you can’t wait to try? Instantly send that link to your partner,' suggests Bradbury. 'It will let them know you’re thinking about staying intimate, even if it’s just a hot pic that got your motors going.'
If you regularly use Zoom for work or catching up with your nan, your webcam might not have the sexiest connotations for you, so set the scene and transform your office space into a boudoir of lust. Dim the lights, train the webcam on the most aesthetically pleasing part of your home (or your bed), play some sexy music and experiment with camera angles in advance of your date.
You first foray into virtual sex doesn't have to be ripping your clothes off and straddling a monster dildo on webcam (unless you really want to!) Start simple and arrange a date night so you can get to know each other or familiarise yourself with chatting on video.
'Set a date where you sit down in front of a webcam, have dinner, chat, and watch a movie together,' says Bradbury. 'It’s a simple way to connect, and you could even set aside some time to share some fantasies and feel playful.'
Zoom calls can be uncomfortable at the best of times. Sidestep awkward conversations about the weather by arranging sexy games to play with your date(s). 'Whether it be truth or dare, pick a stick, strip poker, or playing with sex dice, your sex life is sure to stay exciting,' says Bradbury. 'Games can open up new levels of communication and allow you to express your most erotic fantasies with each other.'
What is sexting? The clue is in the name. Sending a sexy text to your lover can keep you both anticipating the next moment of pleasure, says Bradbury. 'It’s also a perfect time to share your fantasies , especially if you feel awkward voicing them aloud,' she explains. 'You can also open a conversation about any kink you may have and explore desires you fantasise about, but aren’t ready to explore in person.'
Virtual sex doesn't have to be on video. If you're feeling shy, the sound of your lovers' voice might be enough to turn you on, so pick up the phone and start talking. Tell them how you feel, what you're wearing, and what you wish they could do to you right now. If the mood dictates, make use of the hands free button and touch yourself while listening to your partner's voice.
We haven't worked out how to have sex with holograms yet, but it's only a matter of time. Until Elon Musk pulls his finger out and invests in holographic stimulation, we'll have to make do with long distance sex toys, which are actually rather brilliant. You simply hand the controls over to your lover, keep the sex toy for yourself and suddenly you are at their mercy, or for singletons some devices even pair you with strangers around the world. We like the Lush wireless wearable vibrator .
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As large parts of Europe remain in lockdown and cities around the U.S. observe social distancing, sex parties—like everything else—are moving online. Unable to meet up with friends and partners, and without access to play spaces and dungeons, sex positive communities are turning to cybersex to find pleasure during the pandemic.
Cybersex is providing a welcome stand-in for kink and swinger communities
In New York, kink community NSFW have already held four digital play parties with attendance hitting 300. London’s Crossbreed hosted it’s first virtual party last week with some 200 guests. March 30 saw the launch of a new “virtual hookup site” called Cybersex Dating. Two weeks later the platform has over 30,000 users worldwide.
On Feeld, a dating app dedicated to sexual exploration, users can now change their location to one of three virtual spaces. In “Quarantine” people can match with others looking to simply chat and share their experiences in lockdown. Users who set their location to “Sext Bunker” will find other folks who are up for talking dirty and swapping nude pictures. Meanwhile “Remote Threesomes” is for couples and singles who want to share their fantasies and maybe even set up group video dates.
“Quarantine” has fast become the app’s most populated “location”, surpassing both London and New York with more than 7,000 active users. And Feeld’s team report a tenfold growth over the last week for “Sext Bunker”. Furthermore, users in these virtual locations have made 50% more connections than usual, sent on average 25% more messages and—perhaps unsurprisingly given the extra time spent alone—spend twice as much time on the app daily.
“ We’ve seen member profiles adapt to fit the new self-isolation communities, with suggestions like 'FaceTime foreplay' sessions,” says Feeld representative Cathy Keen. “People want to explore their sexuality and discuss safe ways to connect during the COVID-19 crisis.”
So how on earth do you hold a virtual sex party? Alex Warren, the founder of Crossbreed, wasn’t at all sure it was going to work. “I was really surprised,” he told me. “I never would have imagined that people would want to stare at a screen for six hours.”
Crossbreed had been due to hold a party on March 14, just as social distancing measures were being ramped up in London, forcing Warren to cancel the event. The UK was put on lockdown on March 23 and he started thinking about what to do to make back the money he’d lost to the cancellation. He began by launching a weekly virtual speed dating social to keep the community connected and gauge interest. After several successful online events, selling 50-80 tickets a time, he decided to try holding a virtual party.
“We started at 9pm and went til 3am and I heard there was a virtual afterparty too!” he says. “We enforced our usual dress code so everybody got dressed up and people had great outfits. There was some really interesting play going on. It was really fun and everyone got really into it.”
The feedback has been positive too, he says. While the atmosphere could never rival that of a real party, he says people had appreciated the chance to dress up, feel sexy, and show off a bit. Daniel Saynt, the founder of Brooklyn-based NSFW, reports similar findings.
“So far, response has been amazingly strong,” he says. “Members have stated the parties have helped their mental state, have made them feel less isolated and that the digital play parties are the first thing they've been excited about since quarantine began. It's giving people a reason to dress up, wear lingerie and feel kinky.”
At NSFW lockdown events, guests can watch live performances and BDSM demonstrations, as well as curated porn. And because it’s all virtual, guests are able to attend from all over the world. “We’ve had members from Tel Aviv, Mexico City, California, Australia and the UK,” Saynt says.
Cybersex is providing a welcome stand-in for kink and swinger communities, but it will never replace the real thing, says Warren. “It’s a completely different vibe, it’s unique and really fun but it’s not the same as a real party,” he says. “I think as soon as we’re able to have parties in real life, people will go back to the real thing.”
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