Sex-addicts à l'ancienne
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Sex-addicts à l'ancienne
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Sex addiction has nothing to do with how much sex you have and it's not an official diagnosis either. But sexual behavior can still be problematic. Here, some red flags that could indicate a problem.
How does sex addiction affect your partner?
Notes: This article was originally published January 27, 2022 and most recently updated February 3, 2022 .
Jenny is a lifestyle, travel, design, beauty, and health writer and editor. Her work has appeared in The Wall Street Journal, Cosmopolitan, Refinery 29 and more. Her favorite psychology topics to cover are neuroticism (and the other Big Five), the power of mindset, and self-care.
Mental Health and Wellbeing Dec 9, 2021
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The term “sex addiction” is often used to describe compulsive, uncontrollable sexual exploits. It could be an inability to stop watching pornography, masturbation, or engaging in sexual acts with another person despite attempts to control or stop that behavior. But it’s complicated.
“Sex addiction has not yet been given an official diagnosis in the DSM [ the official diagnosis guide used by mental health clinicians ] due to competing beliefs around what to call the disorder, how to describe its criteria, and a need for additional empirical research to support its prevalence in society,” says Michael Damioli, LCSW, CSAT , clinical director, Colorado Medication Assisted Recovery.
There is still a lot of debate within psychological communities about what sex addiction is, what we should call it, and if there is enough research to support it being a pathological disease, he says.
And it can be hard to identify. “It can be very difficult to determine the boundary between having a high sex drive and having a legitimate problem with compulsive sexual behavior. It often takes years for a partner to realize, this isn't normal,” says La Keita D. Carter, PsyD, CEO of the Institute for HEALing, LLC., a private mental health practice in Owings Mills, Maryland. That said, sex addiction , or out of control sexual behavior, can be difficult to navigate, especially for romantic partners
There is no one-size-fits-all description of sex addiction. It can manifest in many different ways among different people. Sex addiction does not have to do with how high a person’s sexual drive is, how much sex they have or want, or how much porn they watch, Damioli says. “It has to do with the way someone relates to these things, why they engage in them, and how it then impacts their lives.”
Do I have a sex addiction? Sexual addiction, or hypersexual disorder, involves compulsively engaging in sexual activities and being constantly preoccupied with pornography or sexual thoughts, acts, and fantasies. Use this quiz to assess your behavior.
While someone might not even be having that much sex, it might consume their lives, their thoughts, and their relationships. “They may use these behaviors to numb and to escape instead of to heighten and enjoy,” Damioli says.
There are some behaviors to look for—and a big one is secrecy. “Sex addiction can be a shameful disease that prompts you to hide your layers of sexual engagement,” says Carter. Another sign is obsessive thoughts about sexual activity—i.e., racing thoughts that are related to sex and not being able to control them. Spending a significant amount of time on sexual pleasure is another sign.
“People with sex addiction may spend time a lot of time masturbating, watching porn, or sending nudes to others, for example,” Dr. Carter says. “Feeling shame, depression , or guilt after a sexual encounter is another sign of an addiction. The process is very similar to other addictions in that, after a person uses, they feel guilty for doing so,” she says.
Someone who’s dating or married to someone with a sex addiction often feels overwhelmed by the frequency with which sex is requested and the lack of intimacy that may exist in the sexual experience, Carter says.
Partners of people with sex addiction often spend much time at the beginning of the relationship thinking that something is wrong with them if they can't keep up with their partner's sexual demands. “Thinking that you can't sexually satisfy your partner can engender anxiety, low self-esteem, guilt, embarrassment, and many other feelings,” she says. You also may have anxiety around your partner's faithfulness or exposure to STDs, she says.
And it can be hard to maintain boundaries in the relationship. Because of the compulsive behavior associated with sex addiction, it can be difficult for the partner suffering from it to be faithful. “The desperation a person with sex addiction feels to use their drug of choice is no different from the desperation a person with heroin addiction feels. The urges are strong and hard to combat,” says Carter.
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Keep in mind, not everyone who has a sex addiction problem will be unfaithful. “Most sex addicts really crave and want deep emotional connections with their partners, but they are also fearful of that intimacy,” Damioli says. “Many porn addicts never act out sexually outside of their pornography use (whether or not a couple considers porn infidelity is another question).”
The best thing you can do if you live with someone who is struggling with sex addiction is to encourage them to get help—and seek counseling for yourself.
“Addiction is a chronic disease that is prone to recurrences. You can't ‘tough love’ your partner through this, shame them through it, guilt them through it, etc. All these attempts will fall flat because of the nature of the disease,” Carter says.
According to Carter, the behavior is often rooted in trauma. “If this is the case, simply stopping the behavior is not a fix for the problem. You have to attack the root of the problem, which is the original trauma.”
Finding a community of support is an important part of coping. “Living with an addict of any kind is lonely, isolating, and breeds shame. Sharing your experience with another promotes happy connection,” Damioli says. Look for a mental health professional who specializes in this area of expertise. The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) is a great place to start.
Sex addicts can often struggle with intimacy as they receive a false form of intimacy from pornography or the sexual addiction. “This can very often cause them to be closed off romantically to their partners,” Damioli says. “Sex addiction often comes with a natural fear of intimacy as the sex addict finds comfort and connection through their compulsive behaviors.
Meaning, it feels safer for them to act out with sex workers or pornography than actually having to be intimate and real with their loving partners.”
If you’re dating someone with overactive, uncontrollable sexual behaviors, communication is key, Damioli says. “This is the advice I would give to anyone who is dating, but especially to someone dating a sex addict,” he says.
Don’t feel afraid to talk about sex early on in the relationship. “Ask them what kind of boundaries they have around sexual behavior and how you can respect and support those boundaries. If they have clear answers to those questions, it is a good sign that they are secure in their recovery,” Damioli says.
Remember that their sex addiction is not about you and your sexual behavior. “Sex addiction has very little to do with sex and it has nothing to do with your partner's ability to meet your sexual needs,” he says.
Keep in mind, sex addicts can still fall in love, yet they are more likely to fall into infatuation with someone, Damioli says. “Falling in love can be a very intoxicating experience that pulls us away from reality. Some people become dependent on that feeling and experience; the term for that is ‘love addict’,” he says.
Love addicts tend to engage in short-term, very intense relationships and then leave for the next person as soon as their partner starts to become real or the honeymoon stage of the relationship ends, Damioli says.
Sex addiction can affect partners in a multitude of ways, and many of them negative. Sex addicts can often struggle with intimacy as they receive a false form of intimacy from pornography or sexual addiction. “This can cause them to be closed off romantically,” Damioli says. “Sex addiction often comes with a natural fear of intimacy as the sex addict finds comfort and connection through their compulsive behaviors. Meaning, it feels safer for them to act out with sex workers or pornography then actually having to be intimate and real with their loving partners.”
People who are dating or married to someone with a sex addiction often feel overwhelmed by the frequency with which sex is requested and the lack of intimacy that may exist in the sexual experience, Carter explains.
Partners of people with sex addiction often spend much time at the beginning of the relationship thinking that something is wrong with them if they can't keep up with their partner's sexual demands. “Thinking that you can't sexually satisfy your partner can engender anxiety, low self-esteem, guilt, embarrassment, and many other feelings. And, you may also have anxiety around your partner's faithfulness or exposure to STDs,” she says.
What's more likely is that couples can become codependent on each other, Carter explains. “Codependency is an unhealthy relationship cycle where each partner develops an unhealthy reliance on the other partner,” she says.
An example of codependency: Tina has a sex addiction, and she needs her partner, Bill, to fulfill those addiction needs. Bill has low self-esteem and needs Tina to pursue him sexually to feel desired and attractive. “In this example, both partners are dependent on each other to fulfill unhealthy emotional needs. This type of relationship can go on cyclically for years,” Carter says. “Certainly, it's possible that two people with sex addiction problems find each other and develop a relationship. However, what is more common is that people who are struggling with addiction (any addiction) are drawn to people who have their own emotional baggage, and the perfect storm is created,” she says.
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Au coeur d'un vaste scandale sexuel lié à Jeffrey Epstein, le prince Andrew est depuis plusieurs mois lui aussi accusé d'agression sexuelle, faisant notamment l'objet de révélations intimes. Et un nouveau livre va bientôt en dévoiler davantage.
Le prince Andrew en prend davantage pour son grade. Mêlé à l'affaire Epstein pour avoir profité du réseau sexuel du milliardaire, et pour être également accusé d'agression sexuelle, le fils d'Elizabeth II a été définitivement mis de côté par la famille royale britannique, qui tente plus que jamais d'étouffer le scandale dont le duc d'York fait l'objet. Toutefois, un livre qui paraîtra prochainement, ne va pas laisser beaucoup de répit au prince, tant les révélations qu'il comporte risquent de faire beaucoup de bruit.
Dans Sexe, mensonges et argent sale à travers le monde l'élite puissante, relayé par Page Six , l'auteur Ian Halperin a recueilli les témoignages de pas moins de douze anciennes conquêtes du prince Andrew , qui n'ont pas hésité à révéler le visage du père des princesses Eugenie et Beatrice dans la chambre à coucher. "La plupart des femmes ont décrit Andrew comme un homme parfait et ont dit que c'était consensuel" , rapporte l'auteur, qui précise que l'une de ces conquêtes l'avait même décrit comme un "amant très audacieux" . "Il n'y avait pas de limites. Elle m'a dit : 'Andrew a secoué mon monde dans la chambre', mais elle s'est sentie déçue parce qu'après cela elle n'a plus entendu parler de lui" , précise Ian Halperin .
Décrit également comme un "accro au sexe" , l'auteur précise que cette dépendance au plaisir charnel résulterait d'un véritable complexe d'infériorité chez le prince Andrew , lui qui depuis sa naissance est considéré comme le numéro 2, derrière son frère aîné le prince Charles , "considéré comme un matériau royal" , tandis que lui était souvent perçu comme un "mauvais garçon" . "Cela a conduit à son style de vie de playboy. Il n'attirait pas l'attention, cela lui faisait se sentir spécial d'avoir ces belles femmes dans son lit" , précise l'auteur, qui ajoute que le prince Andrew a une obsession... pour les rousse
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Ses filles doivent être horrifiées de decouvrir qui est leur père
Elles devaient le savoir, cela dure depuis si longtemps, je me souviens d'une photo prise en soirée où Andrew tient une très jeune fille par la taille, sa propre fille était juste derrière lui... La honte reste que tout cela est devenu public, étalé à longueur de journaux. En espérant cependant qu'il soit appelé à témoigner devant une cour de justice.
Si Andrew n'était pas bien né, il serait traiter de pervers.. c'est presque dans les us et coutumes de ces gens de ne rien se refuser...
Anonyme 2928530 20/08 a 13:36 Excellent commentaire !! Ce que vous dites est vrai !! Et je suis entièrement d'accord avec vous !! Il ne reste qu une boule de vices !! ....C est tjrs un plaisir de vous lire !!
Autrement dit et trivialement parlant : c’est un « bon coup « ..tant mieux pour ses conquêtes... Ils sont rares...!
Et si il n'était pas prince il perdrait de sa superbe ! j'ai l'impression que ce type est un gros orgueilleux, qui est fier et rit de ses bons mots etc. etc. enlevez lui sa filiation que reste-t-il ?
L'ancienne conquête d'un s... addict est par définition elle aussi une s... addict. Mais pour l'argent !
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