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Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak

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Every Thursday, Rich and Stoya answer a special question they could only tackle together, just for Slate Plus members. Join today to never miss a column .
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
I’ve gotten myself into this problem, but I don’t know how to get out of it. When we first started dating, my girlfriend’s sex drive was a huge turn-on, and we had sex nearly every day. This year, I was really stressed with work and other things. We had a blowout fight where I got angry and told her she was too much work, and that she needed to tone it down.
I know it wasn’t kind, but I was pushed beyond my limit with stress. That was two months ago. Since then, we’ve had sex three times. She will never initiate and, when I do, she always makes it missionary, often with the lights off. She doesn’t want to go with anything more creative, and the enthusiasm is totally gone. I’ve barely seen her naked since the fight, and I feel like she’s being passive-aggressive by changing at the gym or in the bathroom. I changed jobs and leveled out this stress in my life, so my sex drive’s back to normal, but how do I fix this?
Sex advice from Rich and Stoya, plus exclusive letter follow-ups, delivered weekly.
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Stoya: I cannot think about anything else until we address this, “I feel like she’s being passive-aggressive by changing at the gym or in the bathroom.” What exactly does passive-aggressive actually mean?
Rich: I think, in this case, he’s like, it’s almost like this egocentric reading of her actions: “Oh her behavior, she must be somehow sending me a message. She must be showing me how she feels, through her behavior,” and it’s not necessarily that at all. Right?
Stoya: That is definitely my feeling. This person, side note, doesn’t actually mention their gender. If I had to assume, I’d go with mid-20s cisman.
Stoya: This person told their girlfriend that she was too much and needed to turn it down, which was probably hurtful.
Stoya: Women get all sorts of awful messages about their sexuality, including that expressing their sexuality at all is too much. Our writer quite possibly pushed a button there. And she has responded to what she was told, which was worse than “wasn’t kind,” by closing off. Now, our writer is labeling this passive-aggressive, which is so subjective and very murky, that it doesn’t tell us much other than that the person saying it thinks that this is unfair behavior.
Rich: Yeah, yeah. It very well could be that she’s just basically trying to cope in this situation, as opposed to trying to target the LW in a way that is not straightforward. I can’t help but wonder if we’re not getting the full story. She’s now closed herself off and doesn’t want to show her body. Did they insult that as well? Was there something there? That’s what it seems like to me.
It’s interesting that she’s hanging in the relationship, if it’s changed this much after that event.
Rich: I mean, this isn’t really something that gets solved without an actual conversation, right? Something happened. She received a message that she’s clearly taken to heart and that really disrupted the relationship. I don’t think you repair that without discussing it.
But the writer should know that the reason you want to keep from saying shitty things to your partner is it might actually change things. And you can explain your actions away with stress, but the fact is, you said what you said, and there are very sensitive people. Words can really shift things. There are consequences for your behavior and it seems like they’re experiencing a consequence.
Stoya: Yeah. And some statements, especially from people we’re vulnerable with, echo. One, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” is not going to be enough to counteract that echo.
It seems like a pretty standard response from the girlfriend. You hear something really hurtful, and it takes more than one, “I didn’t mean that. I apologize. I was stressed,” to let that heal.
Rich: Yes. It needs to be shown, over time, that this was a mistake, that this does not actually represent how you feel, for that to kind of untangle. So, patience, care, understanding, and this devotion to living contrary to those particular words, is, I think, going to be what actually pulls the relationship through. And that’s not a foregone conclusion.
Stoya: Stepping back and looking at the entire letter, I get this picture of the writer’s girlfriend as what she can provide to them sexually. “The sex drive was a turn-on. Then I was stressed, and we had a blow-up fight, where I told her to back off. Now, my stress is leveled off, so my sex drive is back to normal, and I want to fix the fact that we’re not having sex like we used to when I had space for it in my life.” So, is your girlfriend a whole person to you?
Rich: It seems really transactional. And look, I’m always willing to give a little bit of leeway here. This is a very specific column. People need to get to the point. You can’t send us a book, which any relationship could constitute. I get it. We’re compressing here.
But you’re right. Certainly, the presentation can be very telling. It seems like the writer’s emotions have dictated their interaction, and that’s not a tenable situation—not without risking a major fight like the one our writer describes. So, just like our writer needed tending to when they had their high-stress situation, now it’s her turn. And it’s an equal and opposite reaction.
Stoya: 100 percent. So, advice our writer can take action on. Spend some time taking stock of the blow-up fight. What exactly did they say to their girlfriend? What are the things they said that are probably the most problematic? And then some kind of apology that is direct and of an appropriate scale. It’s got to be something better than, “Those things weren’t kind of me to say, but I was stressed.” That’s unlikely to get our writer what they want, which is a path to repair the relationship.
Rich: Yes. It’s really time to reckon with, not what she is to you , but who she is as an emotional being, in and of herself . That’s what the time is calling for. So, do that. Again, patience and work. If you’re not willing to put in, don’t expect to get much out.
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Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer speaks to reporters after a meeting with Senate Democrats at the U.S. Capitol on Nov. 15, 2022.
MORE: House passes bill codifying same-sex marriage right, with some Republicans joining Democrats
Activists carry a rainbow flag on the West Lawn of the US Capitol Building during a protest Oct. 11, 2009.
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Twelve Republicans joined Democrats to start formal debate on the bill.
The Senate is poised to soon pass landmark legislation to federally enshrine both same-sex and interracial marriage rights , amid what Democrats call a worry that the Supreme Court's conservative majority could overturn protections for both.
The first key test vote was Wednesday to start formal debate on the bill.
That procedural hurdle was cleared with a 62-37 vote, with 12 Republicans joining the 50-member Democratic caucus.
While that had set the measure on a track to pass as early as Thursday, ahead of the the week-long Thanksgiving recess, a Democratic leadership aide told ABC News that a final vote has since been postponed until after the holiday.
Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said Thursday that the Senate would take another procedural vote on the proposal, though its supporters had hoped to expedite or surpass this step after Wednesday's vote showed a filibuster-proof majority backed the bill. It wasn't not clear how many or which Republicans were forcing this additional vote.
The 12 Republicans who voted yes on Wednesday were Susan Collins of Maine, Rob Portman of Ohio, Thom Tillis of North Carolina, Mitt Romney of Utah, Shelley Moore Capito of West Virginia, Cynthia Lummis of Wyoming, Dan Sullivan of Alaska, Roy Blunt of Missouri, Richard Burr of North Carolina, Joni Ernst of Iowa, Todd Young of Indiana and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska.
“Individuals in same-sex marriages and interracial marriages need and deserve the confidence and the certainty that their marriages are legal and will remain legal,” Sen. Tammy Baldwin, D-Wisc., a lead co-sponsor of the bill and the first openly LGBTQ woman elected to Congress, has said. “These loving couples should be guaranteed the same rights and freedoms as every other marriage.”
“I know passing the Respect for Marriage Act is as personal as it gets for many senators and their staffs, myself included,” Schumer said this week. He noted his own daughter and her wife, who are married, are expecting a baby in February.
Schumer has argued that the concurring opinion issued by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas overturning Roe. v. Wade this summer, in which he said the court “should reconsider” the case granting the nationwide right to gay marriage, put the rights of LGBTQ Americans in jeopardy.
Other justices on the high court had taken pains to distance Thomas' view from the majority opinion reversing Roe.
The Respect for Marriage Act would “require the federal government to recognize a marriage between two individuals if the marriage was valid in the state where it was performed,” according to a summary from the bill’s sponsors, including Congress’ first openly bisexual woman in the Senate, Kyrsten Sinema, D-Ariz., along with Susan Collins, R-Maine, Rob Portman, R-Ohio, and Thom Tillis, R-N.C.
The bill would not require any state to issue marriage licenses contrary to its laws but would mandate that states recognize lawfully granted marriages performed in other states, including same-sex and interracial unions.
For Portman, whose son came out to him as gay several years ago, it’s about giving people “security in their marriages.”
“It’s important to give people comfort that they won’t lose their rights as they move from state to state. It’s a pretty simple bill,” he previously said, adding that the American people have evolved to support the issue and Congress should too.
But ahead of Wednesday's vote, some Republicans called the legislation unnecessary.
“I think it’s pretty telling that Sen. Schumer puts a bill on the floor to reaffirm what is already a constitutional right of same-sex marriage, which is not under any imminent threat, and continues to ignore national security and not take up the defense authorization bill,” said Sen. John Cornyn, R-Texas, referring to the annual defense policy bill that has yet to be passed by the chamber this year.
Sen. John Thune, R-S.D., in charge of the vote operation for the GOP conference, has said he would not support the legislation but also made clear he would not be whipping against the measure.
Notably, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., steadfastly refused to say how he would vote on the proposal before. He ultimately voted "no" on Wednesday.
A similar bill passed the House in July with 47 Republicans voting in favor, but its Senate sponsors, in order to garner enough GOP support for final passage, had to amend the legislation to add specific religious liberty and conscience protections.
Schumer also pushed off a vote past the midterms, hoping to draw more conservative votes in the Senate once the political considerations of the campaign had passed.
The bill, once through the Senate and then approved by the House for a second time, would be sent to President Joe Biden for his signature.
ABC News' Alexandra Hutzler and Allison Pecorin contributed to this report.
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