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by Gigi Engle Published: Nov 1, 2017
Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women's Health.
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"It was such a natural and liberating experience."
Remember your first time having sex? That uncomfortable, strange, confusin g ordeal? Yeah, we’ve all been there.
Despite what we see in the movies, first time romps are rarely the most orgasm-inducing, rocket-blasting sensual experiences of our burgeoning sex lives. The truth is, no one knows what they're doing.
And what about having sex with a woman? When two women have sex, it is as unique, awkward, and liberating as any other kind of sex. Sex between two women is valid, strange, and beautiful. But if you've never done it before, the experience may seem a little daunting. So, if you've been curious about what it's like to get down with another lady, or want to know what to expect when you finally take the plunge, here are six real women's stories on having sex with a woman for the first time.
"I had asked around about sex with women for the first time and heard everything from a casual 'it's hot' to 'it felt like coming home' to 'turned out eating pussy wasn't for me,' so I was very curious how I would react. I didn't really 'react' one way or another, it just felt very natural and I absolutely liked it. I indeed was struck by the softness of two female bodies against one another and how fulfilling sex can be without a penis in sight, but it was really just a great date followed by great sex. It absolutely confirmed that I was bi/queer but more than anything it just reminded me that as a bi person people are people, and good sex, in general, involves emotional (even casual sex !) and physical intimacy. Tuning into another person's body and mind doesn't change based on the body or genitalia of the person you're sleeping with. 13/10 would do again and did do again." — Sophie, 29
"One weekend party night, a friend from high school came up to visit me in my college town. We went out to a house party and started dancing together. When we got back to my place to crash, I invited her to sleep in my bed. Then I asked if I could kiss her.
"My heart was stuck in my throat at the idea that I could totally be reading her moves on me wrong and she might say no and reject me, but instead she cuddled up to me and gave me a huge kiss. We started making out and I said to her, 'I've never gone down on a girl and I really want to. Do you want to try?' She was just as interested. I was so nervous! I didn't know what I was doing, so I let my instincts take over. It was such a natural and liberating experience. It was also one of the few times I felt dominate and in control with a sexual partner.
"The next morning was a little awkward. Neither of us were identifying as bisexuals, but we also didn't chalk our experience up to being just a drunken mistake. We never had sex again after that, but it was what started my journey on identifying as bisexual and seeking out female sexual partners." — Kenna, 30
(Add something extra to your sex life with the JimmyJane Form 8 vibe from the Women's Health Boutique.)
"Sex with a woman for the first time gave me the courage to reclaim penetration. For as long as I could remember, penetration actually terrified me, and given my heteronormative definition of sex , I wrongly believed I could never have 'real sex' because of it. And, also wrongly, I believed that as a 'real lesbian' I couldn't enjoy or take part in penetration. But my first partner eased me into the feeling. And as I was eased in, it's like the d*mn floodgates opened and I realized penetration isn't just a dick's power. I feel more confident and excited to experiment with strap-ons and internal vibrators , not just on my future (consenting) partners but for use by them on me too!" — Madeline*, 26
Learn 14 mind-blowing facts that will completely change the way you think about orgasms.
"The first time I had sex with a woman I was 15, maybe 16, and it happened totally by accident. I could definitely tell that we were attracted to each other and I was always nervous around her. We weren't close friends, mainly because I was a blithering idiot around her, because sexual attraction does that to people, you know? I knew I was gay but wasn't out, and I also intrinsically knew this girl was gay too. I think that's why we were so shy around each other.
"One night we were hanging out in a big group until it was just the two of us. We crawled up into her bunk bed (at camp) and at some point, she put her arm around me. The next thing I knew we were kissing and the next thing I knew she was going down on me! I was nervous as hell once we started kissing, but after a few seconds, it felt so right, that I was totally swept up in the moment! And then I started going down on her, and even though I had never done it before, it just felt really natural. Afterward, however, we were both awkward. I mean how could we be normal around each other after we had experienced this crazy-intense sexual experience? We avoided each other. For a year." — Zara, 31
"I'd been dreaming about having sex with women. I literally used to Google: 'How to have sex with a woman if you are a woman.' When the time finally came when I'd be able to have sex with a woman, I kind of chickened out. I didn't let her go down on me and I didn't go down on her . I had no idea what I was doing. There was a lot of hand-stuff and messy-kissing all over the place. I didn't have an orgasm and I don't think she did either.
"It was still radical, though, because I was this closet-case high schooler with a paralyzing crush on my best friend and I had finally done something about it. After that, I started kissing more and more girls until the opportunity came again. The second time was definitely better.
Having sex with a woman for the first time (especially, I think, if you're a young gay like I was) can be really daunting. I worried about 'doing it right' until I learned how to communicate with my partners." — Brit, 25
"The first time I slept with a woman, I also slept with her husband. It was with my best friend’s sister. She’s been with her husband for over a decade, and he is the most painfully sexy man on the planet. One night, my friend’s sister and her husband propositioned me for a threesome . The three of us spent two steamy days rolling around together. My best friend still has no idea." — Angela*, 29
Gigi Engle is a sex educator and writer living in NYC. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.
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Published on November 18, 2022 12:43 PM
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When it comes to menopause and sex, Candace Bushnell says "there are two types of post-menopausal women. Those who go sex crazy and those who never want to see a penis again."
In the course of her research, the Sex and the City author has encountered "both situations."
"I've found women between 60 and 70 are the ones who seem to be much more interested in sex," says Bushnell, 63.
"There seems to be a phase that you go through where you're not interested. It's not working right. And then that seems to pass. Of course seeing women as sexual creatures over a certain age is still not that acceptable. I think it's something that makes people uncomfortable. But it is changing."
It's the subject she explored in her 2019 bestseller Is There Still Sex in the City? (about the Sex and the City woman, 25 years later, including her own dating life after her 2012 divorce from ballet dancer Charles Askegard ) as well as her one woman show of the same name.
"Women are getting the message that after a certain age, they're not attractive anymore," says Bushnell. "That's basically the message that society gives women. The message is go and be a grandma. That ain't happening."
"I think for a lot of women, they're so used to their value being a reproductive person and being a mother, in a way it's a societal kind of devaluing of women because I think society tells women we really only have value as bearers of children, caretakers of children and men — and sex objects."
"You've been told your whole life, that that's your value," she notes. "Now that's gone and guess what? You're still here."
Still, she says, there has been change. "For every woman who does not fit the model – that is a step in the right direction."
"At one time, being fifty was pretty much the end," she says. "You are expected to slowly disappear, let your hair go gray, stop dressing a certain way. Well, that's changed. There are so many more women over fifty and we're not going away."
As for her own experience, she says, "I actually went through menopause and did not know it. It was like my clothes, my shoes, didn't fit. I felt exhausted. I did not know i had gone through menopause until I went to the gynecologist and she informed me. I didn't even know it because I was so busy and stressed. I think it happens to a lot of women in their late forties, early fifties. When women are really doing it all. Your career is probably peaking and you may be trying to get your kids into college."
She recalls, "I was doing lectures and there would be moments where your brain just turns off for three seconds. My hair was thinning. Interestingly, it all came back. Somehow when you turn 60, it all gets a hell of a lot better."
When it came to dating and sex, she says, "it does affect your marriage because let's face it, sex is often not comfortable and there's less interest. And if you have a partner, men actually have less interest, but they've got Viagra. Women still don't have anything. But that too is changing. The post menopausal market is getting bigger by the day."
Bushnell, who is on "a couple of dating apps," shared some of the details in her 2019 book about "all the different types of characters you encounter." For instance, she says, "the senior age player, the guy who says he's 75 but when you google him, turned out to be 83."
Overall, she says this next phase of life can be a "gift."
"If you can get the right attitude, it can be a very freeing time," she says. "You can do all those things you did not do before because you were putting everybody else first. I hate to use this term – but a woman can be more like a man."
"That's why I'm doing the stage show," she says. "I wrote and starred in my own one woman show off Broadway and I'm not a trained actress and I'm working on developing a TV version."
"If you can get through the negative messages that society is sending, this is the time you can pursue things," she says. "The fact you don't have to negotiate the sex card can make things better. If you don't have to do things under the male gaze, you have a lot more freedom. It doesn't matter if men think I'm attractive or not. That's not what it's about."
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