Sex Without Love

Sex Without Love
Poet: Sharon Olds Poem: .
Sex Without Love Volume: The Riverside Anthology of Literature Year: Published/Written in 1985 Poem of the Day: Friday, July 18th 2008
© 2000-2022 Gunnar Bengtsson • American Poems
hi, ı m looking for some shared themes between robert lowell and sharon olds. do yuo have any idea?
i really enjoyed this poem because i can relate to it completely. I think we all can at some point in our lives. i had to do an english assignment on sharon olds and wrote a poetic response to this poem, which could just have the same topic. Just wanted to let everyone out there know that i may be coming out with a book soon. It is called “Simple Crazy Misc.” It will probably have my poetic response in it.
Seattle.Monday.7November.2005 11pm or so, P.S.T.,
If you read the poem as I did, as having the title: “Love Without Sex”, instead of how it should be, which is: “Sex Without Love”, then you misread the entire meaning of the poem, and the consequence is that your commentary, that is, MY commentary, is totally wrong… and mine certainly is, in the Commentary #2, dated 11.07.2005, at about 9:55pm.
Due to my accidental reversal, I assumed the poet’s voice, Ms. Olds, to be an advocate of the words, rather than it’s opposite– the ironic voice showing how absurd and gross those persons are, who indulge in sex, with love, without caring about anyone except themselves, and who are, “like runners”…
So this commentary, #3, also dated 11.07.2005, is not directed toward the poem–I shall need to do that soon, in order to correct my mistake– but rather is written in apology to Ms. Olds, for my having jumped to a conclusion, based upon my careless reversal of the title of the poem. So apologies all around… I must needs make amends… and consider this a start on that duty and obligation.
The poem, Sex Without Love, IS indeed a poem, and even though it is not my emotional favorite, as I am fond of saying…. it still does not deserve my diatribe, as presented in Commentary # 2. So I rescind my remarks from Commentary #2, having “slapped myself up- side the head” and, with embarrassment, I say, as Admiral Haig once did: Everything’s fine here… I am in control”… It’s too bad too, ‘cuz I was really on a roll, there. Alas. Say “Goodnight”, Gracie. Hmmm, ok, George. “Goodnight, Gracie”…
yours truly, Richard Battersea, artist
Seattle.Monday.7November.2005 10pm or so, P.S.T.,
Addressed to Sharon Olds, who would have us believe that “Love Without Sex” is a real poem.
Granted, it is a valid point of view to present in literature, including poetry, but the basic message, the content, is the usual cliche: life is bleak, we are all alone, if you think otherwise you are an ignoramus… It is pessimistic, self-indulgent, selfish and egocentric, pointless, lost in boring self-pity by the persona of the poet, who pleads the false claim of being more insightful, and wiser than the reader or anyone else, when in fact she is actually more interested simply, in “being seen”– like a prideful middle-aged woman in an ugly new hat and outfit, at church– than with creating a genuine work of poetry, and confronting the remarkable variety and full possibilities of life, both sad and tragic, ironic, humorous, funny, absurd, heroic, generous, kind, and an endlessly varied parade of connections between two or more people. I say “Fie” on this kind of empty poetic posing…. “Fie” on your sorrowful incompetent cliched wailing. It is largely pretense, and self congratulation.. not really a poem at all. Poems are not created through the clever and/or talented manipulation of words and phrases–a real poem is a written form of expression, in language, concerning the complexity of life experience. Doesn’t the poet have a grandmother, or a pet cat or a neighbor nearby who is suffering some genuine injustice, or a city set on fire by people so poverty stricken that they can not feed and clothe their children?
Ms. Olds is somewhat talented, but she is not honest in a fundamental sense…. poems do not consist simply in such arrangements of words, but MUST, regardless of style, emanate from the mind, heart and soul of the poet, with clarity and scrupulous truthfulness– regardless of the selected point of view. This poet, at least here, is guilty of egregious falsehood, reeking of the posturing Poseur.
It is a misrepresentation of the very essence and purpose of poetry, and is instead, a paean to herself, and a pastiche of verbal turpitude.
Get right with your own soul and mind, Ms. Olds , ….listen to your heart and inner voices, and feel the Infinite, as well as the finite world– the 10,000 things– and join the human race….
Otherwise try something else, like advertising.
Yours truly, Richard Battersea, artist
I am in an English course at college, and I just recently found this poem in the book we are using. We are using the book, “Thinking And Writing About Literature” by Michael Meyer, and it is the second edition. The reason for my comment is this says it was written in 1985, in the book I have, it says 1984. Just thought I’d share.
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Know that having sex does not mean that you need to fall in love. Having sex and falling in love are very different things. Most people are taught by movies, TV, and even friends/family that having sex will always lead to love. Love , however, is a complex and nuanced emotion that develops over time, building as you get to know someone emotionally and socially, not just physically.
After orgasm women release a hormone called oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle chemical" that mimics feelings of connection and love. This is why, regardless of their logical thoughts about a person, love is often confused with sex. [1]
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Avoid sleeping with people you share romantic history with. It is hard to return to friendship after a romantic or sexual relationship. Adding sex back into the mix, however, will always resurface feelings of love and attraction. One of the things that separate friends from couples is a lack of sexual connection. Rekindling your sex life together will rekindle the feelings involved as well, whether you want them or not.
This includes sleeping with close friends, as your existing connection, when mixed with sex, leaves very little separating you from becoming a couple. [2]
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Ask yourself what you are looking for in the hook-up. Why do you want to have sex with someone? Are you trying to have a little fun, experiment with new people, or feel lonely? You need to know your goals going in, because they will profoundly affect how attached you get to someone. Be honest with yourself to prevent confusion in the aftermath of the hook-up.

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Casual hook-ups aren't for everyone, but that is okay. If you tend to fall for every person you sleep with or are looking for a partner , then you should think twice about having casual sex. If you just want to have fun, have no interest or desire for a relationship, and feel like experimenting a bit, you should feel free to proceed. [3]
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Hooking-up without developing strings is easier if you just want to have some fun and learn more about your sexual needs.
Hooking-up because you are lonely, recently heartbroken, or hurting is often a recipe for unwanted attraction, as you try and compensate for your feelings with your new sexual partner.

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Set your boundaries. Are there things that automatically signal intimacy? Some people refrain from kissing their hook-up partner, as it feels too close to a real relationship. Other people prefer not to cuddle after the fact, or won't hook up with strangers. Have your boundaries set before you head out for the night and stick to them, as this will protect you and your heart from getting too invested. [4]
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Long conversations spent getting to know one another, especially on an intimate level (goals, worries/fears, personal history), often lead to love and feelings of attraction.
Always wear protection when hooking up with someone. [5]
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Don't hook up every chance you get with the same person. Spend time apart to protect your feelings from turning into something more serious. If you've established with your partner that you are seeing other people casually as well, mix things up so that you don't fall too far for one person.

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Make pleasure the priority in the relationship. Don't stay over and cuddle, go on dates, or spend time talking late into the night. If you want to maintain a no-strings-attached, purely physical relationship, you need to stay purely physical. Focus on enjoying your time together, making sure both of you are satisfied when you leave but little else. A direct line on pleasure, instead of intimacy, is crucial to keep the relationship from developing into broader feelings.
Gifts, dates, and sleepovers all lead to more intimate feelings. Focus on what feels good and, once you are happy, leave. [6]
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Re-examine your relationship goals every few weeks. Do you feel yourself developing feelings for someone? More importantly -- are you enjoying the "No Strings Attached" lifestyle? Some people find hooking up with random sexual partners hollow, unfulfilling, and awkward despite the immediate pleasure. You are constantly evolving, growing, and changing, and your sexual preferences are no exception. [7]
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How do you feel after a hook-up? Do you want to stay around but feel compelled to leave?
Do you feel like trying something more permanent? Are you leaving something special because you told yourself you didn't want a relationship, or because you actually don't love this person?

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Leave when you're uncomfortable. If the type of sex your partner is giving you isn't what you want, leave. Sex without love is for the physical benefit for both of you, and if one person is not interested or doesn't care for what the other party is giving then they are free to leave. Remember, this is not a romantic relationship. There is no need to fear emotional baggage and how the other party might feel if you break things off casually.

"I think I'm ready to look for something more permanent, but this has been fun."
"I'd rather not keep doing this casually."
"I'm ready to see other people now, but I'd love to keep in touch with you."

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Sex Without Love

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