Sex With Your Ex

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Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — Written by Drew Coster on May 7, 2013
Divorce and breakups are hard for most people. It’s probably one of the most traumatic experiences a person can go through, next to the death of a loved one, or getting a letter from the IRS. Yet for others, it’s a blast of freedom, a chance to reset and start again.
But one aspect of getting divorced — or breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend — that can and probably will cause all kinds of problems is if you end up having sex with your ex. Oh yes, it happens. Hey, don’t look so shocked, you know you’ve done it.
Sometimes it’s not a planned thing. Sometimes it just ‘happened’ that one night when he came over to collect his Eminem CD’s, slanket, and favorite Big Bird mug. Or you may have a regular thing going on because your ex is ‘so damn hot’.
Whatever the circumstance, you might want to ask yourself, “Is this really a good idea?”
Whom you choose to have sex with is up to you. However, having sex with your ex could be setting yourself up for an ultimately unsatisfactory, long-drawn-out experience.
For both parties, the idea of losing a long-term relationship and being alone can be scary as hell. Often the attachment with your partner is still going to be strong in the early stages of divorce or separation, so letting go of that is going to be incredibly hard. You’ll have much shared history and familiarity. Thinking you can just turn your back on that and move on overnight is unlikely. Which is why, if your ex calls, it’s easy to give in and go running to the safety of someone who knows you.
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The trouble is, sex probably isn’t going to solve past problems, especially if those problems were around communication, appreciation, emotional support or trust.
It’s amazing how the world looks like a better place after sex. That sense of happiness that intimacy brings is due to endorphins being released into the brain. Essentially, sex is crack for your brain. For that brief period after sex, anything will seem better. You’ll forget the midnight arguments, verbal abuse, and how sick you feel when they clip their toenails in front of the TV while you’re trying to watch “Castle.”
If you’ve got to a place in your relationship where divorce is the only solution to your differences, then there’s a good chance sex with your ex will only complicate matters. But if you still want to go ahead and do it, then do it. There is no right or wrong in this situation, only what you think is right for you.
However, here are a few things to think about before making a choice to get jiggy with your ex:
Remember, the reason to get divorced or to breakup is to dissolve the relationship — dissolve, as in make disappear.
Getting back with your ex for the occasional night of passion might seem fun, but it usually prolongs the inevitable ending, which can make it harder to forge new healthy relationships. An ending that you face and accept, no matter how uncomfortable in the short-term, will be better in the long run. Still, the choice is yours.
Last medically reviewed on May 7, 2013
Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — Written by Drew Coster on May 7, 2013
Medically reviewed by Akilah Reynolds, PhD
Medically reviewed by Danielle Wade, LCSW
Medically reviewed by Akilah Reynolds, PhD
Medically reviewed by Danielle Wade, LCSW
Medically reviewed by Kendra Kubala, PsyD
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© 2005-2021 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Psych Central does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. See additional information.

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Breaking up is never easy. In the immediate aftermath, you may never want to set eyes on your ex again. But once you’ve shouted your final insults and slammed the front door, would you consider walking back into someone’s life…or, indeed, their bed?
As cliché as having sex with your ex may be, that doesn’t stop oh-so-many of us going back for more. Here's what eight women have to say about what it was like having sex with an ex. (Some of these are NSFW!)
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“A couple of months after we had broken up, we decided to meet for a catch-up. He picked me up in his car, and we were driving around the small town we lived in. He parked in a secluded spot and I started to give him a blow job, but he finished extremely quickly.
“I don’t regret it, but afterwards, it felt a bit awkward because he finished so fast. I think there had been a lot of sexual tension that built up, mainly on his part.
“There were no feelings there when we first got together. It was my first proper boyfriend so I felt like I was still learning a lot about relationships and kind of experimenting.
“I went to college and moved on pretty soon after that. He did try to contact me a few times, but I just wanted to move forward with my life. I felt like he was from a different chapter of my life and I was starting a new one.” – Chantelle*
“Ex-boyfriend who was long distance, when we saw each other in person we decided to have our 'final goodbyes.' It wasn't great, I didn't feel the passion with him anymore, and it really affected the overall experience. I had a hard time getting turned on, and felt [too] lazy to put in the work, tbh. I don't regret it, but I wish it happened only once.” – [via]
“It was usually a case of ‘let's meet up to chat or clear the air or try to be friends’ and then we would get carried away. My bed, his bed, his sofa, his parents’ living room floor. It always starts with the hand on the leg, the look, kissing, pulling back and saying ‘we shouldn’t,’ followed by more kissing and then the inevitable.
“It was different, and at the same time so familiar. I feel like it’s fair to say that couples fall into a routine, favoring certain positions and the like. Even after we had broken up, we would fall back into those routines, because we knew it worked for us, but at the same time it is so different. Everything was so much more electric, all of the emotions of the previous few months come out so the sex is, on paper, the same, but it feels so different.
“I’ve slept with all of my exes of long term relationships in the time that follows the breakup, and in my experience they all follow this same rule. There’s always the post-sex cigarette and ‘that was amazing, and then there’s always the ‘we should never do that again,’ followed by the tearful goodbye—only to make the same ‘mistake’ a few days later.” – Eve*
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“I’ve hooked up with a couple of my exes afterwards. The sex was great and I had no regrets. It was a little awkward afterwards in one case when he clearly still had some feels, but overall it was okay.” – [via]
“Twice with the same guy. We dated for five or so years and had a horrible breakup but then eventually developed a friendship. The first time was really fun and nostalgic without any pressure for more. The second time, we both realized we still have this very strong connection but it's on such a platonic level that the sex itself was awkward and we both stopped halfway through.” – [via]
“My ex and I slept together multiple times over the course of a year and a half after we broke up. Our split, although not a surprise, was very sudden, and within a few weeks of being apart, we caved in and spent the night together in the apartment we used to share–where I still lived at the time.
“It happened again a few months later, and then there was the week when we spent almost every night hanging out, even discussing the idea of living together again (nope, not getting back together–we skipped that step).
“The sex itself was amazing as we knew each other's bodies and likes so well, and I didn't once feel self-conscious or worry about what he thought of me. I knew he wanted me and that passion we had before was still there–it was what made our relationship so fiery and dramatic. But the intimacy was gone.
“The first time we slept together after the break-up he insisted he use a condom, immediately changing the atmosphere between us as it was clear he was already sleeping around. There was no cuddling, no exchanging ‘I love you’s, and actually not much conversation. It was like we knew it wouldn't last and it was just a fleeting moment of casual fun, and it added a touch of sadness to the whole experience.” – Serena*
“He dumped me for a prettier woman or maybe two, came back six months later. We had mad physical chemistry, but clearly I wasn't really who he wanted to be seen with in public.”
“Anyway, we ended up falling back into bed but I'd already met the man who was going to end up my [next] ex. And this guy now wanted to ‘commit’–he all but said he wanted to marry, that he'd learned his lesson and looks aren't everything, basically. I think, needless to say, I wasn't buying it. We made time for about another month before I finally called it off.” – [via]
“It happened a month after we broke up. I was still in love in him and wanted to see him, which led to us having sex. The first time, I started messaging him and making general conversation. Basically, I was seeing whether it would be a possibility, but without saying that. We arranged to meet at his, and it just happened.
“It wasn’t as good as I imagined it would be, or as good as it had been in the past. The passion was missing. It was like having sex with a stranger. The relationship gave us a connection, but this didn’t have that, and didn’t get me off in the same way.
“It felt a little systematic, as we both knew why I was there. It’s not like when you’re in a relationship and just hanging out and it just happens. This was like small talk and let’s go.
"There wasn’t much contact afterwards, unless it was to arrange to meet.” – Sasha*
*Names have been changed to allow subjects to speak freely on private matters.
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