Sex With The Lights On
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Sex With The Lights On
It's like an old cheese or fermented fine wine.
By
Anna Iovine on January 20, 2020
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Mashable's series Don't @ Me takes unpopular opinions and backs them up with... reasons. We all have our ways, but we may just convince you to change yours. And if not, chill.
Mashable's new series Don't @ Me takes unpopular opinions and backs them up with...reasons. We all have our ways, but we may just convince you to change yours. And if not, chill.
Anne sees lights-on sex as a mirror, or a Möbius strip. The 24-year-old looks at her partner looking at her, looking at them looking at her...
This does not scare her. In fact, that's what makes lights-on sex hot in the first place.
Anne, who's an MFA student in New York, went on to tell me that lights-on sex has always been the norm for her. In a society heavily impacted by porn, it's easy to see why. Porn shows sex with the lights on, for obvious reasons.
"I didn’t think lights-off sex was necessarily real — I thought it was a teen-movie trope or a relic of the 50s," Anne said. "I watched porn from a young age and the majority of that is obviously lights-on."
Now, she sees lights-off sex as a turn off. It makes her feel like her partner does not want to see her body, as if they're doing some sort of shadowy activity.
I am in the same camp as Anne. My first sexual experiences were lights-on, so that's what I got used to. I also watch porn, and no matter whether it's a glossy production or home video taken on an iPhone 10, the lights have been on. Even many movie sex scenes are lights-on because frankly, we need to see what's going on!
So, I never balked at it. I enjoy seeing my partner's body; I would not be having sex with them otherwise. And I assume they feel the same way about me. I can easily see what I'm doing, and what they're doing, and it just adds to the hotness of it all.
Now, having sex with the lights off almost seems utilitarian, or like we both have something to hide.
As I had talked to others and had new partners, however, I soon learned that not everyone thought lights-on sex was hot. In fact, some seemed downright afraid of it.
While Anne and I have been comfortable with having sex with the lights on since our sexual awakening, many people have the opposite experience. Given our Puritan, body-image focused society, it's easy to deduce why.
"Having sex with the lights off can stem from several personal and societal factors," said Adina Mahalli, a certified relationship consultant and sexual health expert at Maple Holistics . These factors can range from body image struggles to societal taboos originating from religious beliefs.
"Sex is seen as a sin in Catholicism and sex in many religions is seen as something that shouldn’t be done recreationally. Shame in an act will make you not want to see well while participating in it," Mahalli continued.
Holistic sexuality coach Christie Federico explained that having the lights on adds an element of vulnerability to the act. Sex is vulnerable to begin with, and having the lights on can amplify those feelings. Everything is on display. Even eye contact during sex can make people uncomfortable.
"There's a fear of 'What will this person see if they look that deeply?'," Federico said, "A fear of not being good enough."
These are just some reasons why one might be hesitant to have lights-on sex. Frank, a 22-year-old software engineer in New Jersey, compared it to an old cheese or fermented fine wine. He said, "It is an acquired taste that needs not only getting used to but conscious pre-planning or thinking about." Frank said he liked having sex with the lights on when he was "proud" of himself and proud to be with his partner.
Given that having the lights on can amplify one's insecurities, having a supportive partner could help make it easier. That was the case for Alice, a grant writer from Oregon. "I started with lights-on sex when I met my current boyfriend, who is very into body worship and praise," she said. "I'm heavy, and I have some confidence issues, so I found it a little uncomfortable at first."
Alice's partner gave her compliments and "sweet talk" that she said "smoothed the transition" for her, and now she finds light-on sex empowering and loves to be seen.
And there are other benefits, too. It can increase intimacy and connection with your partner — and can lead to better sex overall. Mahalli noted that humans are visual creatures, and during sex you can go off of subconscious visual cues.
Also, plainly, you get to see your hot partner better with the lights on, and that is, uhh, hot.
That's one reason 22-year-old Sonia prefers lights-on sex. "I enjoy seeing my hot partners, and I like being seen by them in return," she said.
For those who want to feel that same level of empowerment and intimacy that lights-on sex can bring but are not sure where to start, here's some advice.
Start with the lights dimmed — not fully on, but not fully off either — or in natural light, so something like morning sex or an afternoon delight . "Dimmed light sex can set a more sensual mood than having the lights on full, while still allowing both parties to see everything that is going on," Mahalli said.
If you want to go a more woo-woo route, Federico suggested "eye gazing" or "soul gazing." Couples can sit or lie next to each other and stare into each other's eyes. This is an exercise aimed to make you more comfortable being seen, but with clothes on first.
If your hesitations have to do with body image issues, you may need to do separate work before embarking on a lights-on journey. There are a lot of ways this could be done, either on your own or with the help of a mental health professional.
Federico suggests spending more time lounging around naked to get comfortable with yourself and telling yourself positive affirmations. Something that's helped me is unfollowing social media accounts that cause me to compare my real-life body with someone's (often Photoshopped) photos; you can even replace them with more body-positive accounts if you'd like.
The goal here is not to love yourself immediately; asking yourself to unlearn decades of body hate in an instant will backfire quickly. Take it slow. "A better goal than working toward loving every single inch of one's body is working toward simply accepting it as is, even if you don't love it," Federico said, "And remembering that your worth isn't determined by your appearance whatsoever."
Ultimately, lights-on sex is something to try at least once. If you are afraid — or if you have and you didn't like it — take a look and examine why. Is it because of your body-image? Is it because of awkwardness between you and your partner? The reason is probably beyond the bedroom entirely. It may take time to figure out and worth through but it may send ripples of benefits in your life — including but not most importantly improving the sex you have.
Doing it with the lights on might feel awkward at first — but sex, especially with a new partner, is naturally awkward sometimes. You are learning about your partner's body and they are learning yours, and it is not meant to be perfect.
"Lights on feels like an aid to the treasure hunt," Anne said. "Lights on feels like sharing. It feels like consent. It feels like bearing witness."
And, if you really want to, you can just close your eyes.
6 Reasons To Get Naughty With The Lights On
6 Reasons To Get Naughty With The Lights On
Many of us are quite accustomed to having sex with the lights off, or at the very least dimmed. Is it because sex in the light of day — or the light of light bulb?! — feels more risqué? More vulnerable?
Maybe that's exactly why we should try it. Sex with the lights on brings a great deal more connection and physical openness, bringing sex to a whole new level for even the most comfortable of relationships .
For those of us feeling inhibited or uncomfortable with our bodies, it can be a really tough bridge to cross. However, if sex is about connecting with your lover, seeing them may be useful.
"Sex isn't supposed to be an act between two disconnected people whose eyes are closed—essentially two people who are emotionally alone but physically connected. It should be between two people who are physically AND emotionally connected. So if you and your man are feeling distant or disconnected, make love . Don't just have sex. You just might find that your relationship becomes deeper and more intense just by opening your eyes," says dating coach Laurel House.
When we are confident enough to strip down and do the deed with the lights on, we are stating that we love ourselves and are ready to share that love and get a little naughty! Let's just keep in mind that it is harder to fake it with the lights on, so better keep it real.
See below for the awesome benefits to brightening up your next romp.
1. You get to unleash your inner voyeur
"If there is one thing I have learned as a dating coach and single woman who has dated a lot, it is that everyone has a little 'naughty voyeur' in them!" says Brooke Lewis, Life Coach & Dating Expert; Owner of Be You And Be Fearless Life Coach .
"We know that men are visual creatures, but I have also learned that it can be an absolute turn-on for a woman to watch a man devour her beautiful body inch by inch! This makes for a fabulous foreplay buildup and can be more seductive than the actual act itself."
2. You can make a connection: A real one
More than for the purpose of getting off, sex is best when you include emotion, says dating coach Laurel House. By looking each other in the eyes, you can truly see each other. You see feeling and heart.
"Sex isn't supposed to be an act between two disconnected people whose eyes are closed—essentially two people who are emotionally alone but physically connected. It should be between two people who are physically AND emotionally connected. So if you and your man are feeling distant or disconnected, make love. Don't just have sex. You just might find that your relationship becomes deeper and more intense just by opening your eyes," says House.
3. You can actually SEE what you are doing
How often when having sex with the lights off do we end up licking an armpit instead of a boob, mouthing a nose , or even worse having the dreaded "ooops" (was it really an oops?) happen?
This is a way you can learn what your partner enjoys, says Cassie Fuller from Touch OF Flavor . "If partners stimulate themselves while the lights are on you can better see where they are touching and how they are doing it. Simply copying what they do takes away a lot of the guess work and makes you look like a sex expert," says Fuller.
4. Your partner actually enjoys visual stimulation
Why do you think he watches porn? Why do you think she looks at all those magazines? It's because we enjoy looking at the people we find sexually stimulating. Chances are your partner will be even more turned on if they can see you, says Fuller.
If you are using a new sex toy or trying out a new kink it is a lot easier to judge if your partner is enjoying it if you can see them clearly. You are also able to judge your movement with the new object.
5. You can embrace your inner exhibitionist
Even when having sex at home, with no one else around and your bedroom door locked there is just something that makes us feel a little naughty and wild when having the lights on, Fuller says.
Your sex life primarily improves by raising your self-esteem and emancipating you to become an uninhibited sexual being. "This frees you to physically move and gyrate in positions you may previously feel self-conscious to do. Losing weight, for some while masturbation for others, helps you get in touch with your own body and discover what pleasures you sexually so that you can communicate more clearly to your partner and he or she can better deliver the goods. The vice versa is also true...meaning when your self-esteem is high you are more capable of focusing on your partner and what pleasures them," says Dr. Fran Walfish , psychotherapist, author, The Self-Aware Parent , and expert panelist on 'Sex Box', WE tv premiering soon in the winter line-up.
"One of the biggest explanations and fears I hear from my clients (and, struggle with myself!) is, 'I am too flawed to have sex with the lights on and he/she will discover my flaws!' I totally get it! When we get naked with the lights on, we are exposed in every way!" says Lewis. We are not able to hide in the dark and this can be a very vulnerable experience.
"We are literally stepping into the light to reveal our scars and injuries, inside and out. We can no longer hide our cellulite or zits on our back and what does this reveal? We are real humans! We are all imperfect, but want to realize that we deserve to be loved (and, made love to!) regardless. I believe that this begins with self-love. I tell women all the time that the sexiest thing in the world to men (and, vice versa!) is confidence," says Lewis.
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Let's Have a Sex Smackdown: Lights On or Lights Off?
Picture your ideal sex session. Really, close your eyes and think about exactly what it would consist of. Then tell me, is it in the middle of the day with natural sunlight streaming in through the windows? Or it is under the cover of such inky darkness, you wouldn't be able to see your hand if you waved it in front of your face? Turns out 60 percent of people are fans of lights-on sex, while the remaining 40 percent like getting it on with the lights off, according to a recent poll from Osram Sylvania. Which side of this divide do you fall on? Let's be real, sex is great either way. That doesn't mean they don't both have their advantages and potential drawbacks! Lights On Biggest pro: You get an eyeful of things that will turn you on even more. "Seeing each other naked can be visually stimulating. The lights being on allows you to see anything and everything that may help you become more aroused," says Jane Greer, Ph.D., New York City-based marriage and sex therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. You get a front-row seat to every bite of
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Picture your ideal sex session. Really, close your eyes and think about exactly what it would consist of. Then tell me, is it in the middle of the day with natural sunlight streaming in through the windows? Or it is under the cover of such inky darkness, you wouldn't be able to see your hand if you waved it in front of your face? Turns out 60 percent of people are fans of lights-on sex, while the remaining 40 percent like getting it on with the lights off, according to a recent poll from Osram Sylvania. Which side of this divide do you fall on?
Let's be real, sex is great either way. That doesn't mean they don't both have their advantages and potential drawbacks!
Biggest pro: You get an eyeful of things that will turn you on even more. "Seeing each other naked can be visually stimulating. The lights being on allows you to see anything and everything that may help you become more aroused," says Jane Greer , Ph.D., New York City-based marriage and sex therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship . You get a front-row seat to every bite of his lip and every surprised smile at whichever new trick you've added to your arsenal.
Biggest con: If you're not totally comfortable with how your body looks during sex , you might feel like there's a spotlight highlighting your flaws. Being so preoccupied with the negative makes it almost impossible to enjoy the positive, namely the mind-bending orgasms. "You can get over body insecurities by focusing instead on what you and your partner like about your body. By tuning in to the positive, you'll be able to overcome any shame or inhibitions you might feel due to your appearance," says Greer.
Biggest pro: Hello, sensory deprivation! Cutting off one sense can help enhance the others, so when you make it impossible to see anything, you boost your remaining senses. No wonder things can feel so much more stimulating in the dark! Plus, it's great if you haven't quite conquered body concerns. "Having the lights off can help you let go and avoid getting caught up in thoughts about your physical appearance," says Greer.
Biggest con: Sometimes what you want is to see all the glory of everything you're doing. In those moments, going at it with the lights off might make you feel disconnected from your partner because you're missing out on that aspect.
If you're strictly a lights-off woman or having the lights on always gives you a thrill, may I suggest mixing it up if you don't already? Adding a new element always helps keep things exciting . And if there's a time when you want them off and your guy wants them on, or vice versa, meet in the middle and light a bunch of candles. The light is low enough to be seriously flattering, but you still get to see all the action. Best of both worlds!
Do you prefer sex with lights on or lights off? Or do you switch it up a lot?
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