Sex With Children Parents

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January 08, 2021published at 6:48 AMByMisha KetchellThe Conversation
As part of our sex education research, we spoke to UK teenagers about why they don’t talk to their parents about sex. Visions of excruciating embarrassment topped the list.
We also spoke to parents who didn’t know how or when to have these conversations, and teachers who reported severe difficulties engaging parents in the sex education of their children.
The good news is teenagers do actually want to speak to their parents about sex and there is evidence that doing so can have a positive impact on their sexual decision making.
The UK government has made relationships and sex education compulsory in secondary schools in England from September 2020, and government guidance recommends that schools engage parents in the process. Here are some tips that will help change these conversations from awkward to normal.
Some parents told us they hadn’t spoken to their teenager because they weren’t yet having sex. Really, though, these conversations should take place long before then.
A relationships and sexuality education expert who took part in our study shared a useful analogy to explain why. When children are small, parents hold their hands crossing the road, teach them to be careful, gradually increasing independence until they can cross by themselves.
It would be silly to not mention the road at all until they were old enough to cross by themselves. This is the approach that should be taken to talking about sex. The earlier it starts, the easier it will be.
Both parents and teenagers report that it’s easier when these conversations start early and when parents talk about sex as they would anything else. Age appropriate conversations from early childhood are best.
The golden rule is that if a child is old enough to ask a question, they’re old enough for an honest answer that doesn’t involve storks delivering babies.
However, even if parents have waited until their children have reached puberty, it’s not too late to start. It’s important to remember that both male and female parents have a role and that we must speak to our sons as well as our daughters.
Boys are sometimes neglected when it comes to sex education, and there is evidence that some young people prefer to have these conversations with a parent of the same sex.
Many parents today will probably have received little or no sex education themselves. They may have only a vague sense of what they should teach their children and an even vaguer sense of how to go about it.
Teenagers today, however, who can ask Google anything, and will have sex education at school, have a fair idea that they’ve learned more about sex than their parents ever did. Teenagers know it and parents know it, and that can make talking about sex appear an insurmountable challenge.
If parents fear not knowing the answer to their child’s questions, there are plenty of workshops, books and online resources available. Many parents told us they learn together with their children by searching online when tricky questions arise.
Most parents feel uncomfortable about the prospect of speaking to their children about sex. Young people sense this and dread the thought of watching their parents sweat profusely while struggling to tell them things they already know.
When they sense a “big talk” coming on they’ll avoid it like the plague. Then they’ll turn to teachers, older siblings, friends, the internet, pornography or anything else that doesn’t go scarlet at the thought of it.
It’s best to ditch the big talk in favour of teachable moments. This involves frequent, short conversations when, for example, an issue arises on television or a family friend gets pregnant. This will help avoid embarrassment and normalise talking about sex.
Parents also suggest that talking in the car or on a walk helps ease embarrassment, as there is less need to make eye contact.
Teenagers in our research study were assigned an activity which involved speaking about sex with their parents. Most didn’t do it. When we asked why, they said they “couldn’t just bring it up at the kitchen table” – because, if they did, they expected a lecture, “You’re not at it already?” or “Don’t tell me you’re pregnant!”. They weighed their options and declined. We really couldn’t blame them.
When children ask a question about sex, it’s always best to listen rather than lecture. Parents should check why their child is asking and then answer as best they can, avoiding the temptation to follow up with a lecture. This will reassure young people that they can expect a nonjudgmental response in the future.
Áine Aventin, Vice Chancellor's Fellow, School of Nursing and Midwifery, Queen's University Belfast
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
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Children with same-sex parents do better at school than their peers
New research portrays a viable scenario of what could happen in countries with more restrictive institutions, should they direct comparable efforts towards the inclusion of sexual minorities.
Children with same-sex parents get higher scores on standardised tests than children with different-sex parents. This is the key finding from our study published in the journal Demography.
We also found children with same-sex parents to be slightly more likely to graduate from high school, and much more likely to enrol in university than children with different-sex parents.
Our results challenge common arguments against same-sex parenting, and lend support to other scholarly perspectives that emphasise the benefits of being raised by a same-sex couple.
Over the last 50 years, there have been dramatic changes in social attitudes and legislation toward same-sex relations. Within this relatively short time frame, many countries have moved from criminalising same-sex relations to enabling same-sex couples to be formally recognised, marry and adopt children.
Despite these developments, same-sex parenting remains a highly controversial and politicised issue. And many people around the world still believe same-sex couples are incapable of being as good parents as different-sex couples.
World Values Survey, Wave 7 (years 2017-2020)
These beliefs are often justified by “common wisdom” arguments. For instance, some argue that children need both male and female parental role models, that non-biological parents invest less effort in parenting their children, or that children with same-sex parents are subjected to shame and bullying.
But these arguments are rarely backed by solid empirical evidence.
In 2012, Mark Regnerus, a sociologist based at the University of Texas, Austin published a study that claimed people raised by same-sex parents had worse health and socioeconomic outcomes as adults than people raised by different-sex parents.
Since these conclusions were at odds with the bulk of previous research findings, other researchers attempted to replicate Regnerus’s results using the same data. Their re-analyses demonstrated the Regnerus study was plagued by an array of analytical problems.
Correcting for these issues, there were in fact minimal differences between the children raised by same-sex parents and married opposite-sex parents.
But still, the damage of the study was done. Its spurious findings received substantial international media coverage and became a go-to resource for activist groups lobbying against same-sex marriage.
The study’s findings were also presented in US courts in an attempt to prevent the introduction of same-sex marriage legislation.
To be sure, the Regnerus study constitutes an outlier in the broader literature on same-sex parenting. The majority of studies on the topic have found same-sex parents provide their children with as healthy and nurturing home environments as different-sex parents.
Same-sex parenting is still controversial. Shutterstock
But even these studies are routinely called into question. The most common criticism is that their analyses tend to rely on “convenience” samples. These are small and selective samples of same-sex-parented families, who may be approached at LGBT events or recruited through mailing campaigns.
Critics (rightfully) argue such families may differ from the broader population of same-sex families, which can distort the reliability of the studies and their conclusions.
We conducted our study in the Netherlands because it is one of only a few countries in the world that allows researchers to link anonymous administrative data from multiple population registers on children and their families.
Thanks to these data, we were able to overcome the limitations of existing research, both in terms of the sample size and the accuracy of the information.
Leveraging the records of 13 consecutive cohorts of primary school students, we compared the academic outcomes of all children raised by different-sex couples (more than 1.4 million children) with those of all children raised by same-sex couples (3,006 children).
We statistically accounted for pre-existing characteristics that may be different between families with same-sex and different-sex parents. These include the higher average education and lower average incomes of same-sex parents.
We found children in same-sex-parented families got higher scores on national standardised tests. Their advantage amounted to 13% of a standard deviation, which is comparable to the advantage of children whose parents are both employed as opposed to being out of work. The advantage manifested across all test modules, including language, mathematics and general learning ability.
We also found children with same-sex parents to be slightly more likely (1.5%) to graduate from high school, and much more likely (11.2%) to enrol in university, than children with different-sex parents.
Our data did not enable us to pinpoint the specific reasons why same-sex-parented children tend to outperform their peers. The literature, however, offers some plausible theoretical mechanisms.
For example, it could be because same-sex couples face more substantive barriers to parenthood (including social scrutiny, greater costs of conceiving a child and legislative hurdles) and overcoming these barriers may strengthen their commitment to parental roles.
Combined with the fact same-sex couples face minimal odds of becoming parents through accidental pregnancies, this can result in more positive parenting practices.
The Netherlands features high levels of public approval of same-sex relations. It also provides robust legislative support structures for same-sex couples, such as the right to adopt children, equal access to IVF treatments and formal recognition of both parents.
For these reasons, the Dutch institutional context may represent a best-case scenario concerning the achievement of children with same-sex parents.
Same-sex parents in other countries may be subject to environmental hurdles that remain out of their control and that may negatively affect their children. These include a lack of access to the social institution of marriage and more profound experiences of stigma and discrimination.
By undertaking our analyses in the Netherlands, we were able to retrieve findings that are more likely to reflect the influence of same-sex parenting itself, and less likely to reflect external influences that stem from non-inclusive institutional environments.
Therefore, our findings portray a viable scenario of what could happen in countries with more restrictive institutions, should they direct comparable efforts towards the inclusion of sexual minorities.
Altogether, the message stemming from our findings is clear: being raised by same-sex parents bears no independent detrimental effect on children’s outcomes. In social and political environments that provide high levels of legislative and public support, children in same-sex-parented families thrive.
Jan Kabatek receives funding from Australian Research Council. He is affiliated with the ARC Centre of Excellence for Children and Families over the Life Course
Francisco Perales received funding from the Australian Research Council as part of its Discovery Early Career Researcher Award scheme for a project titled 'Sexual Orientation and Life Chances in Contemporary Australia'.
SBS acknowledges the traditional owners of country throughout Australia.

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