Sex Therapist Recommendations

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Sex Therapist Recommendations

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Looking for a qualified therapist to help you with your sexual issues, but baffled about where to start? Here’s what you need to know.
There are many reasons why a person or couple might seek out help from a sex therapist . Research shows that an estimated 43 percent of women and 30 percent of men report grappling with some form of sexual dysfunction. But sex therapists can also help with so much more, addressing everything from arousal and attraction-related issues to boredom — and beyond.
Finding the right fit for you and your partner isn’t always easy. The field is largely unregulated, and the topic is incredibly intimate. Here are five tips to keep in mind when you’re looking for the right sex therapist for you.
Sex therapy is a big field that encompasses everything from desire issues to physical concerns, and while a qualified sex therapist should have a grounding in all of it, it can help to start off by asking any therapist you’re considering if they have significant clinical experience addressing your particular concern (or concerns).
In order to even ask that question, it is important to try and get clear about why you’re seeking help.
“People should be asking themselves things like, ‘Why therapy? Why now? What is it that we want to work on?’” recommends Megan Fleming, PhD , a New York City–based sex therapist. “And more importantly, ‘What are we prepared to do to achieve those goals?’”
Are you willing to take time out of your schedule or schedules to regularly meet with a sex therapist? Are you open to “homework” — which might include communication exercises, reading or watching educational materials, or sexual experimentation activities — in between sessions? Are you willing to discuss such an intimate topic with someone else — and possibly your partner? These are the types of questions to consider ahead of time.
It’s important to research whether a therapist you’re considering has real experience and credentials.
Certification through a professional organization for sex therapists requires an advanced degree, like a PhD, an MD, or a master’s degree with some element of psychotherapy training, then 90 hours of human sexuality training, 60 hours of sex therapy training, and extensive supervision by a qualified sex therapist. These therapists are trained to consider the many factors that can affect sexual health .
“[Certified] sex therapists are generally trained to look at problems from multiple dimensions — a physiological dimension, a psychological dimension, a potentially cultural dimension, and certainly a relational dimension,” says Ian Kerner, PhD , a sex therapist in New York City.
One note: While couples’ therapists may be able to help with some of that, they generally do not have deep clinical experience in sexual issues specifically, Dr. Kerner says.
People find sex therapists many ways, whether through a professional organization like the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) , a referral from a generalized therapist or physician, from friends, or via an online resource like Psychology Today . Vetting the credentials of any potential candidate is a good first step, but it can also be helpful to meet with multiple therapists.
“I personally think you should try to see two to three therapists for an initial consultation if possible,” says Dr. Fleming, who explains that sex therapists can have very different styles and that it is important that both partners feel comfortable, if you plan on attending with your partner.
According to Fleming, sex therapy can be for individuals or couples. Sometimes it is possible to start as an individual and then bring in your partner, though not every therapist will be open to that scenario.
If you do not live in an area with multiple — or any — sex therapists, teletherapy, or virtual therapy, is an option.
Although therapy is a dynamic process that can change as you go along, it is totally appropriate to ask any potential sex therapist about what they think your treatment plan might entail and what kind of time commitment they think it will require. It is also fair game to ask about the cost.
“The reality, when it comes to sex therapy, is that many of us — I would dare say most of us — are not on managed care,” says Fleming.
That does not mean that you won’t qualify for out-of-network benefits and reimbursement, she adds, but it is something you should discuss with a potential therapist, and your insurer, up front. It has implications not just for your wallet, but for your treatment.
“If you’re stressed about finances, that in itself is going to affect your ability to make the commitment and do the work,” says Fleming.
Sex, sexual health, and sexual problems are complex and intimate. You might not feel comfortable discussing them with a therapist, particularly at the beginning. But you should start to feel more comfortable as your treatment progresses. If you don’t, that’s a possible red flag that you and the therapist are not the best fit.
“Most sexual problems are really kind of universal, so you should feel kind of held and normalized — and feel in the end that you’re not so alone, that other people are dealing with this,” says Kerner. “You should feel like you’re with someone who can both explain what is going on and also hopefully relieve some of the mystery, the stress, and the anxiety associated with a sexual problem.”
Ultimately, the goal is to get to a place where you can live what Kerner calls an “authentic sex life.”
“It’s really about helping someone to have the kind of sex that will be gratifying to them,” he says, “and for sex to be integrated into their life in the way that they want it to be.”
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There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding sex therapy. Here's what it is and how it can help you achieve a healthy sex life.
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist and writer with over 20 years of experience specializing in sex therapy. Her goal as a coach and as a journalist: To help you stop feeling embarrassed and start having way more fun in the bedroom. She studied human sexuality at Brown University and has been... Read more
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Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution , a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin answering your most confidential questions to help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. Here, she answers a question about what to expect from sex therapy.
DEAR VANESSA: My partner suggested that we go to sex therapy together to work on our sex life because we're not having a lot of sex and we are arguing about it all the time. I know I should be OK with it, but I feel really nervous because I've never done it before. What exactly do you do in sex therapy? How does it help? - Do I Have To? 26
DEAR DIHT: I’m so glad to get a chance to answer your question. Sex therapy is becoming more widespread, but it’s still a bit of a mystery to most people. (And no, it doesn’t look like what you see on TV or in the movies.) I love my job so damn much, and I appreciate the opportunity to help educate more people about how what I do can help you create an extraordinary sex life.
First, let’s talk about what this particular type of therapy is. Put very simply, the goal is to help you have a sex life that feels healthy and happy to you. Sex therapy recognizes that sexuality is an integral part of our lives, and seeks to provide education and resources to support you. It can include things like identifying your beliefs or blockages around sex, helping you gain clarity on your goals for your sex life, providing accurate and shame-free information, teaching new sexual skills, improving your communication, or developing sexual self-confidence.
Even though there still aren’t a ton of sex therapists out there, I think it’s really important to look around before picking who you want to work with. I strongly believe that the fit between the sex therapist and client is important. If you don’t feel connected to and trusting of who you work with, you’re not going to get much benefit out of the experience. Check out the websites of a few therapists in detail before booking an appointment, and don’t be afraid to end your working relationship if your gut’s telling you it doesn’t feel right.
I also recommend looking for someone who is upfront about their training and credentials. The sex therapy field isn’t regulated in the same way psychotherapy or medicine, so there isn’t a standardized training. There are a lot of awesome people out there with different backgrounds doing great work, but you want to make sure you’re aware of their training before deciding whether or not to work with them. You want to know that your sex therapist has training in the area that you need support. For your situation, I would recommend finding someone who is also a trained psychotherapist, since this seems like it might be a deeper issue than something like, “We’re looking for new ideas to spice things up in the bedroom.”
Sex therapists work in a lot of different ways, but most of us meet with clients for regular sessions, typically weekly or every other week. I used to work in an office, but now I work over video chat. A lot of my clients enjoy the ability to be in the comfort and privacy of their own home while they’re talking about such sensitive issues. Video chat is also a great option if you’re in an area where there isn't anyone available for you, or if you’re just not finding someone you like, though you may also find you prefer to work in-person.
In or before your first session, you’ll give your sex therapist a detailed background of your situation. (I have an intake form that I have my clients fill out beforehand so we can hit the ground running in the first session.) Your sex therapist should give you some sort of game plan of what your work together will look like, including their specific style.
Sex therapy tends to be pretty action-oriented, so your therapist will probably give you specific exercises for you and your partner to do together on your own time. Then you’ll talk about what happened in your next session, and get a new set of exercises going forward. Typically, this type of therapy tends to be more short-term. Many of my clients see me for two to six sessions. If you have deeper issues that you’re interested in exploring in more detail, you and your partner may end up wanting to pursue this work for longer.
And finally, know that it should never include nudity — or touch — between the therapist and the client.
Here’s the bottom line: Sex is a perfectly normal and natural part of our lives, and it’s wonderful to want support. Most of us struggle with our sexuality , just as we may struggle with anxiety or wanting more clarity on our direction in life. Sex therapy can help you create the sex life that you’ve always wanted to have, and that you deserve to have.
Now check out 100 years of periods:
Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Instagram , Twitter , and her website .
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Medically Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD on April 06, 2022
Denise and Edward love Mardi Gras and jazz and a dance that’s something like the electric slide. But in bed, they just couldn’t find their rhythm.
“When we were dating, sex was no problem,” says Edward (the two opted to use their middle names to preserve their privacy). “But as soon as we got married, that went out of the way; everything else was more important.”
“Everything else” includes their children, ages 10 and 4, and their careers; Denise, 40, works in a university registrar department, and Edward, 38, is a computer programmer who also manages a security company.
He wanted more sex. She wanted slower, more satisfying sex. “I’d feel a surge of something good, but by the time he climaxed, I hadn’t had a chance to climax,” Denise says. After childbirth, she experienced vaginal dryness that made intercourse excruciating. “Sometimes, after sex, I’d be crying in the dark.”
Two years ago, Edward watched a documentary that referenced author/educator Marla Renee Stewart, co-founder of the Sex Down South Conference. The couple agreed they had nothing to lose. According to Stewart, they became star pupils.
Over the course of weekly or bimonthly Zoom sessions (Stewart is based in Atlanta, but the couple lives in Birmingham), Denise and Edward completed worksheets about everything from daily routines – who takes out the trash? who disciplines the kids? who typically initiates sex? – to what smells, sounds, and gestures they found arousing.
Stewart gave them homework: Kiss each other every day before leaving the house. Try lubricants. Experiment with sex toys. And consider how every aspect of their lives, including parenting, affects their sexual experience.
“Sex is a symptom of what’s really happening in the relationship,” Stewart says. “There may be trust or communication issues. It is much, much broader than just the sex itself.”
Both partners say Stewart’s interventions worked. Denise learned about clitoral stimulation and tried masturbating to discover what she found pleasurable. She describes her arousal pattern as “more like an oven” – slow to heat up – while her husband is a “microwave.”
After 2 years of coaching and practice, “I’m more patient, I’m more intentional, I’m more strategic,” Edward says. “I wanted to be better at intimacy, at sex. If you really want to be good at something, you have to throw away your inhibitions and tell how you feel.”
Research has shown that nearly half of adults in the United States experience sex-related issues at some point in their lifetimes – issues that include sexual violence or trauma, questions about gender expression or sexual orientation, sexual shame, lack of libido, erectile dysfunction, or inability to reach orgasm. Some people seek sex therapy to help them navigate a gender transition or open a monogamous relationship to include multiple partners.
And certified sex therapists­ – who hold advanced degrees in counseling, psychology, or related fields plus additional hours of sex therapy training and clinical experience­ – have particular fields of expertise and distinct ways of working with individuals and couples. Here are five of their approaches.
Juan Camarena, PhD, a clinical counselor, sex therapist, and executive director of the Center for Community Counseling and Engagement in San Diego, sometimes tells clients about his own experience in Catholic Mass – especially the part when parishioners thump their chests and intone, “por mi culpa” (it’s my fault). That ingrained sense of shame, which may have roots in particular cultural beliefs or practices, can impede sexual expression later on, he says.
Camarena, who describes himself as “a multicultural sex therapist,” discusses race, religion, physical ability/disability, gender and sexual orientation with clients, and he takes those aspects of identity into account when offering strategies and support.
“I’m not just trying to use interventions designed for a white couple in the 1960s,” he says. For instance, exercises that call for sustained eye contact between partners may be uncomfortable for those raised in a culture where direct eye contact is considered rude. People who are transitioning may not want certain parts of their bodies to be touched.
Camarena might recommend “mindful masturbation” as a way to build body awareness and self-love. “Prepare for masturbation the way you’d prepare for a date,” he says. “Are you groomed? Did you shower? Your job is to start from the top of your head, work your way to your feet, and find places to touch that feel good on your body.”
Whether working with couples or individuals, people in their 70s or pre-adolescents (Camarena had an 11-year-old at a camp for transgender youth ask him, “How do I know if I’m kinky or not?”), he emphasizes that there is room in the world, and in bed, for all parts of a person’s identity.
“We all have questions: Am I normal? Am I OK? My fundamental belief is that there is nothing inherently wrong with you. Our identities aren’t problems to fix; they are sources of strength and resilience.”
Clients of Emily Jamea, who has a PhD in sexology and a private practice in Houston, might find themselves being offered a raisin during therapy. Jamea will invite them to describe the raisin – texture, smell, taste – as they sniff, chew and swallow it. Or she might ask them to graze the inside of one arm with the other hand, noticing when their thoughts wander and gently reminding them to refocus.
Such exercises in mindfulness have a connection to what’s happening – or not happening – in the bedroom, says Jamea. “The most common issue [clients present] is that one person wants to have sex more than the other” – and it’s not always the man in a heterosexual couple, she notes. “Despite the fact that it’s the most common problem, it’s also the most complex.”
A chasm in sexual desire may have its roots in longstanding resentment between partners or in sexual trauma for one or both people. “Or they may have become complacent and aren’t giving their relationship the attention it needs. They assume sex should be effortless and spontaneous like it was in the honeymoon phase.”
Mindfulness, she say
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