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One mom has no idea what she should do after she discovered that her 18-year-old son was having sex with her sister-in-law. Originally, she thought that having her brother and his family come stay with them at their farm would be a nice change. Their families could bond, she reasoned. But perhaps her son and his aunt took that spirit a little too literally.
They own a house on a large farm, she explained on the r/relationship_advice forum, and because they'd all been working from home they thought "it would be a good chance to stay together as family and for my nieces to spend time on the farm," she explained.
As for the mom, she has three kids of her own: a 13-year-old daughter, a 16-year-old daughter, and a son who's 18 years old.
Like when they recently went grocery shopping together and he splintered off from his mom to go buy "gym supplements."
"I saw condoms in my son's plastic bag when we arrived at the house two packs with 36 condoms each so 72 in total (didn't think anything of it thought he had gotten a GF and wanted to be safe)," she wrote.
It seemed very "normal" until recently when the mom was baking in the house and realized that she never actually saw them run around the property.
"I asked about it and they said they decided to hit the road (I thought nothing of this everything seemed normal)," she continued. "My SIL and son seemed to have a very good bond."
She was coming home from a friend's house before the sun came up when she noticed there was a light on in a cabin that they have on the property.
"I thought maybe one of the employees had forgotten to lock up," she explained. "So I went to close the door and switch off the light as I got closer I heard people having sex and I took a [peek] and it was my son and SIL having sex. I didn't confront them I was so in shock."
Does she confront them? Does she tell her husband? Does she tell her brother?
"I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm sure they have been having sex for a while from the condoms (my son was always at the house, never brought a GF), the morning runs around the farm (do they really go on a run or do they have sex?), the close relationship," she mused.
"I grew up on a farm and I'm just going to give you the advice no one here has yet -- hide the guns," one person advised. "Lock them up in a safe if you have one and put the key in a new place. No matter how you handle this it's gonna be bad."
"Tell husband first, then brother when son (and SIL + kids if possible) is out of the house," someone else suggested. "Come up with a plan with your husband to get them not living in your house anymore. Get a therapist for your son. No matter how 'consensual' this was, he's still young and this was a trusted family member who went after him. The months of lies alone will make him question his own integrity and could lead to issues.
"Lock up the weapons, not saying anything about your brother at all, but desperate people do desperate things," the person continued. "You never know how anyone involved will react. Hope for the best, plan for the worst."
"Tell your husband then sit down and talk to your son together, away from everyone else. Say, 'I know you and your aunt have been having sex. I need [you] to tell me what's going on,'" the person wrote. "Do not elaborate and do not tell him what or how you know. He will spill more information this way than if you give him details, because that means he can't lie as easily. Then get him and ALL of the kids out of the house before you talk to your brother."
In an update to her original post, she shared that she first went to her husband (who could barely believe it was true) and then her son, who'd seen her first post online and already knew that his mom knew about the illicit affair.
"He didn't deny anything, he confessed," she wrote. "He told us him and SIL have been having sex since February last year (he was 17 at the time). My son said it started on SIL's birthday party he attended they got drunk and had sex in a bathroom and they have been meeting at hotels ever since and sneaking off at family gatherings."
She wrote that her son told her the SIL initiated their first encounter and was the one setting up hotel rooms, buying him meals and giving him "an allowance."
He sent their son to stay in a condo they owned "in town as he didn't want to see him in front of him at this moment."
"When my son was gone my husband stormed into my brother's room and told my brother everything (SIL was not in the house at that moment)," she continued.
He demanded to know where his nephew was to "teach him a lesson," but the parents refused to tell him. Meanwhile, her SIL never returned -- which means her brother called her or her son tipped her off.
"In all the screaming and shouting my daughters heard everything and are devastated that their family might be ruined they miss their brother and are afraid my husband won't ever let him in the house again," she wrote. "My husband hates all forms of infidelity to the core and has always drilled this in our two eldest children that they must never cheat on anyone or be in a relationship with someone in a relationship."
He won't answer her calls or texts, and her husband advised her to give him space to "heal."
"My son has left the condo because he is afraid of what my brother will do to him and is now hiding at a friend's and he won't tell us which friend," she wrote. "No word on SIL."
It is probably best if her brother and his family leave the farm and allow them to work through things on their own, while she and her husband work together to get her son into therapy. Hopefully he can both get the support he needs but also realize that his actions have MAJOR consequences.
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BOB ABERNETHY, anchor: Now, a special report on the sexual pressures on pre-teenage girls. Parents, social critics, and many young girls themselves deplore it, but sex sells, so advertisers and entertainers use it to attract audiences. They use it without the regulation or social pressures that once were restraining forces. And they use it without censorship, which hardly anyone favors. Mary Alice Williams reports on the media and the children who are its targets.
MARY ALICE WILLIAMS: They’re sweet. The sexually debasing lyrics they’re mimicking aren’t. Ever since Elvis shimmied his pelvis, parents have worried about protecting their teens from the obscene. This is different. These aren’t 17-year-olds. They’re 11. And these self-confident sixth graders and even their younger siblings are increasingly exposed to torrents of overtly sexual messages by people selling things to preteens.
ALICE (Teenage Girl): It makes me feel like an object and feel really, really weird. And it is not like girls should be like that.
WILLIAMS: The culture tells them something different. They listen to music. Britney Spears made it big wearing a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. Look at her now. Most of BILLBOARD’s top 20 CDs are slapped with “Parental Guidance” stickers. They [kids] do homework on the Internet where there are lots of porn sites. They watch TV. The teen hit DAWSON’S CREEK on the WB alludes to oral sex and masturbation. In prime time, the Kaiser Family Foundation has catalogued an average of five sexual references per hour.
KERRY (Teenage Girl): This sexual stuff you don’t just see on TV. You see it day to day. It happens in middle school. It will happen in high school. You just see it around.
WILLIAMS: Professor Jean Bethke Elshtain is an ethicist with University of Chicago Divinity School.
Dr. JEAN BETHKE ELSHTAIN (University of Chicago Divinity School): There’s certainly a relationship between the culture and the increase of sex because of the many cultural messages that bombard young people daily.
WILLIAMS: According to studies, more girls than ever before are sexually active before their 15th birthday. One in 12 children has lost his or her virginity by the eighth grade. Almost a fourth of ninth graders have slept with four or more partners.
Dr. Michael Rich, a pediatrician who treats adolescents only, talks with his teenage patients daily about sexual issues. He says he is seeing more sexually transmitted diseases in younger and younger children and that expectations of sex have changed drastically.
Dr. MICHAEL RICH: What we are seeing now that is different from previous years, I think, is that sex is expected. Sex is part of the normal interaction, day-to-day interaction between boys and girls.
JERRY DELLA FEMINA (Advertising Executive): This is about as sexy as we get.
WILLIAMS: Advertising agent Jerry Della Femina doesn’t use sex to sell his clients’ products. But he knows why people do.
Mr. DELLA FEMINA: It’s easier to be lewd than to be creative, and people try to get attention, and the one thing that gets attention is sex. Sex sells. People turn around. They look at it.
WILLIAMS: Like many in the industry, he thinks it is up to the parents to monitor what their children see and hear.
Mr. DELLA FEMINA: I believe that it is the parents’ job to provide them with a sense of values so that if they do see something that is off, they are not affected by it.
WILLIAMS: Diane Levin, with the Coalition to Stop Commercial Exploitation of Children, studies the effect of culture on kids’ behavior.
DIANE LEVIN (Coalition to Stop Commercial Exploitation of Children): I have interviewed thousands of parents, and they agree it is their job and they try very hard to do it, but they can’t keep it out of their children’s lives. I resent that I have to struggle with this issue. I think that in the best of all possible worlds we would have a society that is trying to create an environment that helps parents in their job instead of making it harder.
Dr. ELSHTAIN: At one point in time in this culture, the assumption was that families and churches and schools, and even the wider culture, reinforced one another in helping to sustain children through a period of growing up. And I think that coherence has broken down.
STEPHANIE (Teenage Girl): The sixth graders learned how to do something they are not supposed to do. And it is called “giving booty.”
RACHAEL (Teenage Girl): The girl like gets in front of the guy and the guy is behind her.
CASEY (Teenage Girl): It’s like — I just don’t really want to tell you.
WILLIAMS: Like them, the majority of preteens don’t engage in sexual behavior, but they are aware of what they see around them. Sixth graders know about a concept many of their parents hadn’t heard of till college: oral sex. SEVENTEEN Magazine says 55 percent of teens have engaged in oral sex.
ALICE: According to a lot of people, it keeps you a virgin.
LEA (Teenage Girl): Because it is kind of like having sex, but you are not really doing anything and you can’t have a baby, and they don’t think there is any consequences.
Ms. LEVIN (referring to an ad): Her breasts look like they are about 50 percent of her weight.
WILLIAMS: Using sex to sell products starts early.
Ms. LEVIN: What they are seeing right now is a sexual relationship between males and females that is totally objectified — the sexuality that you see is not in the context of relationships. It is not in the context of caring and feeling. I am very worried about where this is going to lead. There is a whole set of problems that has to do with the relationships males and females are going to develop with each other.
WILLIAMS: What messages are you getting about who you are supposed to be?
CASEY: Perfect — big boobs, hips, a strong stomach, you know, pretty face, no zits.
SARAH (Teenage Girl): So basically stuff that is on the outside. Not on the inside.
WILLIAMS: It’s how these children should be developing on the inside that concerns ethicist Jean Bethke Elshtain.
Dr. ELSHTAIN: To the extent that your time is devoted to engaging in these kinds of activities, it’s taken away from other sorts of possibilities at very crucial ages for young people, when they’re learning how to be to the kinds of adults that they’re going to become.
WILLIAMS: How did it get this far? Television producers, advertisers, movie producers, magazine editors outdoing each other for the big sell — with almost no limits imposed on them.
Ms. LEVIN: The entertainment industry is unethical in its practice of marketing sex and violence to children. They will use whatever techniques they can to capture the attention of an audience so they will be interested and engaged and hopefully buy what is being marketed.
RACHAEL: Everyone has something, you know, that is not perfect about them. So I think that magazines, TV shows should stop putting that message out to everybody.
WILLIAMS: Can you legislate the images coming at our children? Jerry Della Femina doesn’t think so.
Mr. DELLA FEMINA: I don’t like that this is the way we are going as a nation. It is time to censor these people. I don’t want to be part of that.
Dr. ELSHTAIN: People have to get licenses to broadcast. So it seems to me that there’s some way, without in any way moving into real censorship, there are ways that you could set up certain guidelines.
Ms. LEVIN: One of the reasons it is so important that government play some role in regulating and setting standards is that once it becomes a level playing field for the whole industry, then it will help the whole industry become more ethical.
Dr. ELSHTAIN: We have the responsibility to affirm that which is worthy and good about our culture. And there’s so much to affirm. We also have the responsibility to say no, and I think we have to do both in equal measure and find some balance between them.
CASEY: It does rub off on you a lot of times, and it makes you feel that this is the way that you are supposed to be and that guys will like you because you have big boobs, and then after a while you think that it is normal.
WILLIAMS: Perhaps normal to adults too, to the extent that they are increasingly desensitized to the saturation of sexual messages and squeamish about talking with their children. Sex education is left to the schools, which are restricted from teaching the realities of oral sex and doing “booty.” But our children are still learning and absorbing values from what they see around them. I’m Mary Alice Williams for RELIGION & ETHICS NEWSWEEKLY in New York.
ABERNETHY: We tried to get comments from people in the TV, magazine, and record businesses who are using sex to sell, but their spokespeople all declined.
Related Reading
THE BODY PROJECT: AN INTIMATE HISTORY OF AMERICAN GIRLS by Joan Jacobs Brumberg
THE VALUE OF MATERIALISM: A PSYCHOLOGICAL INQUIRY by Tim Kasser
HONORING THE BODY by Stephanie Paulsell
+ Show More
Funding for RELIGION & ETHICS NEWSWEEKLY is provided by Lilly Endowment. Additional funding is provided by individual supporters and Mutual of America Life Insurance Company.
Produced by THIRTEEN  ©2015 WNET. All rights reserved.

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