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My Relationship With Sexuality as a Muslim Girl Is Changing For the Better
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It took me a long time to learn what now feels like common sense.
In this op-ed, a writer whose identity is withheld for personal privacy explains her evolving relationship with sex as a Muslim girl.
I remember sitting in my eighth grade biology class, learning about reproduction for the first time. The all-girls classroom burst with giggles every time our teacher said the words “penis” or “vagina” out loud, as if it was scandalous. For many of us, it actually was. After that one lesson, we never discussed sex in class again.
Like many Muslim girls in religious schooling, open dialogue about sex wasn't available to me, aside from the occasional lecture on abstinence.
But even beyond sex, watching anything remotely sensual on TV wasn’t allowed in my Pakistani Muslim home. I never saw my parents being affectionate with each other either — no hugs or kisses. My first exposure to sex or sexuality came one year before that biology lesson, when my friends and I began reading teen coming-of-age novels like Princess Diaries. These kinds of sneak peeks were the only information I had. 
Needless to say, my understanding of sexuality was very skewed growing up. I thought of sex as purely a function for reproduction. Men, and penises, were gross. And girls? I knew same-sex attraction would be condemned before I even knew what LGBTQ stood for. As a result, I never voiced my attraction to girls to anyone. I never admitted to having a crush on any boys either, because everyone seemed to loved to gossip about the girls who did. For me, far scarier than school gossip was the potential judgement of my family.
I was taught that a good Muslim girl didn’t date. We didn’t have crushes, we didn’t kiss anyone, and we definitely didn’t have sex. In a way, my sexuality was stripped from me. Because of the countless reminders not to engage with boys in any way, I thought even recognizing that I had feelings and sexual needs was wrong. In my mind, it was all a one way ticket to hell.
The Islam I was taught was deeply rooted in fear and punishment — and anything to do with sex carried the worst kind of punishments. However, my understanding of my faith was far from accurate. Historically, Islam is a religion that values sex and sexuality. Sex is not inherently sinful. For practicing Muslims, Islamic law permits sex between a married couple, and sees it as an act of worship. Still, it seemed so taboo to me growing up.
When I got to University, things began to change for me. I saw the diversity that existed within my own faith and I started getting brave enough to challenge what I was told. I stopped repressing my sexuality. I began dating but my upbringing still very much impacted my attraction, with guilt and fear holding me back. I remember my first kiss. I remember how good it felt to be wrapped up in someone’s arms like that and feel his lips against mine. I felt like there was electricity flowing between us. And I remember the tidal wave of guilt right after. I felt sick.
I wasn’t supposed to let a boy touch me, yet there I was, tangled up with one in his room. I was discovering my sexuality and simultaneously experiencing immense guilt because I was going against everything I had been taught.
I would pray fervently to God for forgiveness. I would cry because I was so confused about what I was experiencing. I felt like a bad Muslim anytime I admitted to myself that I liked someone. I felt like a bad Muslim for having sexual desires. I felt like a bad Muslim for wanting a partner that was going to be more loving than the adults around me.
But following that turmoil came growth.
My growing confusion led me to seek out new narratives. I began learning from Muslims who wrote and spoke about sex and sexuality with openness. I sought out resources for sex education that I wish I had much earlier. I spent the next few years not only catching up on the sex education I had missed out on, but unlearning the harmful ideas I had about sexuality and my own faith. Through this process, I also learned about consent, boundaries, and personal safety. 
It took me a long time to learn what now feels like common sense: Accepting that I am bisexual doesn’t invalidate my faith. Neither does having sexual desires and needs. Wanting sex didn’t make me weird or depraved, it made me human. And while I felt like I was being pulled in two different directions by two different value systems, I actually had the liberty of deciding my own values and acting on those.
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