Sex Son Me

Sex Son Me




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My son’s behaviour towards his sister and me is inappropriate
My sister is being abused by her husband. What can I do?
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Something is clearly going on with your son, and you need to find out what, says Annalisa Barbieri
Last modified on Mon 22 Mar 2021 07.50 GMT
My son is 12 and on the cusp of puberty. For the last six months, his behaviour towards me and his 15-year-old sister has become over sexualised and inappropriate . This has included making lewd remarks and suggestions to her. He often grabs her, or strokes her hair or arms. He does the same to me, using language that sounds like lyrics from suggestive love songs. When going to and from the bathroom, he exposes himself and makes lewd remarks.
We’ve made it clear we don’t like it and want him to stop. He laughs and says he didn’t mean it . He rarely behaves like this in front of his father (we all live together) . He goes to an all - boys school and I haven’t had reports of this there.
I’m at the end of my tether . I want to show him, in front of his sister, that his behaviour could be classed as criminal. I’ve tried punishments that we use for other poor behaviour. Sometimes this stops him temporarily. In general, he is quite an anxious, angry and unhappy person at home. I monitor his internet access and I haven’t found evidence he watches porn or adult content. He mostly uses it for gaming.
Teenagers often test the boundaries with their parents, but it’s not usual for boys to make suggestive sexual comments to female members of the family, and less usual still that they expose themselves. This is the age they tend to become more self-conscious and inhibited – so something is clearly going on with your son and you need to find out what.
I contacted Graham Music, a psychotherapist ( childpsychotherapy.org.uk ) who has worked extensively with children and adolescents – especially troubled ones – and has written several books on the subject .
We both wondered what your husband’s reaction to your son’s behaviour was – whether or not he witnesses it himself? He needs to be more involved than he seems to be. It’s important for men to call out inappropriate behaviour in other men, and that starts in the home.
Music said that, often, if children are experiencing something they cannot deal with, they will seek to make others feel what they are feeling. It’s as if they are throwing it out there to say, “This is what I’m dealing with.” So the child who feels shame may seek to make others ashamed, the child who feels left out rejects others, and so on. “You don’t often act out so overtly unless you’ve been exposed to something that’s been overwhelming,” explains Music.
You may not have found porn or adult content on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it. It is likely he will have seen something. He could have seen or heard something via gaming; get more involved (you and your husband) in what he does online, which is best done by showing an interest rather than hectoring.
The fact he’s angry and anxious worries me further. Was he always like this? Music asks: “How did your son deal with unhappiness as a child?”
I would also talk to the school to get a better picture of what’s going on there. “Is he being bullied, and is he bullying you and his sister in turn?” asked Music. Has he recently changed schools?
Music was also interested in the dynamics of your house: “Who else lives there, what else is going on there, what are the power dynamics between you and your husband?”
There was scant information in your letter and little curiosity about why your son is doing this. The key to stopping it is to understand why he’s doing it. “It could be sexual urges,” said Music, “or it could be he’s using the sexual as a language to enact something else, like asserting power.” How do you generally deal with feelings in the family? Are they allowed or are they buried? Your son might have noticed and enjoyed getting a reaction out of you. But, again, you need to look at why he feels this compulsion.
In the meantime, his behaviour must be addressed and your daughter told she can react to protect herself. “Boundaries and authority are essential,” says Music, “But you and your husband need to set those up together. Try to stop his behaviour and then work out why it’s happening. Your son needs to understand there are consequences, but you need to make space to think about why he’s doing this.”
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.



September 18, 2015 at 8:00pm PM EDT





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I wasn’t ready for my son to begin a sexual relationship with his girlfriend. When he did, I had two choices: deal with it or freak out. I chose to use his admission as a teachable moment for both of us.
It was a cold winter afternoon in January, just after my oldest son’s 16th birthday, when he cornered me in the kitchen and said, “I think my girlfriend and I are going to have sex. Actually, I know we are. We really want to.”
He looked a little scared, a little excited and a whole lot like my baby speaking a strange, foreign language that I couldn’t process.
It took me a few painful seconds to plaster a compassionate smile on my face and speak in a calm, collected tone. “So,” I said, “what are your plans?” Like a detective, I knew better than to say anything that would cause my son to hesitate telling his story.
He told me they had already figured it all out. They would pack a blanket and, because they wanted to be smart, a bunch of condoms. He said they planned to “do it on the beach at night,” because (romance isn’t dead) that’s where they met.
Let’s pause here for a moment. My son told me he planned on engaging in his first sexual encounter, in public, in winter. I had a few seconds to respond in a way that kept him talking, but didn’t betray my real feelings of, “ Holy shit! Are you insane? ”
“Hmm,” I replied. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?” He looked insulted. I could see the light of teenage subterfuge in his eyes. I remembered that look well. It was one I often gave my own parents and it said all I needed to know: He was doing this whether I liked it or not.
I had a split-second decision to make. Should I forbid him from fornicating? Should I say nothing? Should I allow it? All the options seemed wrong. If ever there was a time I felt “damned if I did, damned if I didn’t,” this was it.
Throughout both of my sons’ lives my husband and I had been open and honest about any topic they broached, including sex. From the time they could ask about anything that piqued their curiosity, we answered. This was done with the belief that trust was pertinent to healthy parent-child relationships and that arming our kids with facts, not fairy tales, would help them make smart decisions.
This was especially important to me because I was once a teenage mother and high school dropout. I didn’t want either of my sons to make the same choices as I had and change the trajectory of their lives, just because they got horny.
My kids were both well versed on my views of premarital, underage sex: I didn’t condone or encourage it, but if they chose to have sex, I expected them to be smart enough to wear a condom, every single time. I also wanted them to be picky with who they chose — since even the most careful sexual encounters could lead to pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.
With that being said, I was smart enough to know that I couldn’t stop the inevitable. There comes a point in each parent’s life where he or she has to let go and accept that his or her children are growing up. Sex is a natural progression in everyone’s life. I couldn’t keep my son from pursuing physical intimacy with someone he loved anymore than I could keep him from growing taller.
So I did what every parent at some point must do — I had to accept my son’s decision even if I wasn’t ready for it. One benefit of being open and accepting with my son was that he trusted my advice. It made it easier for me to convince him that public lovemaking in temperatures below 50 degrees F was a dumb idea, for anyone.
A few weeks later, “it” happened. It wasn’t outside, it wasn’t unprotected and my son felt comfortable enough to talk to me about the experience.
Was it weird to hear my son tell the tale of losing his virginity? Absolutely. But the open line of communication only helped us grow closer.
He has come to me with other adult issues that he may not have felt comfortable sharing had I been more closed-minded or judgmental. Each step has been new and a bit awkward, but ultimately helped me understand who he is as a young man and what he values.
And as for the girlfriend? It’s been two years and they’re still together, still in love and planning a big, grown-up future with each other. Thankfully, I’m included in the discussion of their plans and dreams, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/05/my-sons-behaviour-towards-his-sister-and-me-is-inappropriate
https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/1095845/teenager-having-sex/
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