Sex Safe Words
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Sex Safe Words
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A simple "stop" might not cut it. Here's why.
Sex is hotter for everyone when all parties can relax knowing they'll stay inside their comfort zones. One way to ensure in advance that everyone will say comfy is to establish a safe word: a word that, when said, signals for the sexy activities to stop.
“A safe word is a word (or a system of words) that helps you communicate your sexual boundaries,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay and sexpert for Lovers . Safe words are often used in BDSM play , but can be used in other forms of sex, as well.
When someone uses a safe word, it signals to their partner(s) that they need to stop what they’re doing and check in with that person, according to Astroglide ’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly. Knowing that this system is in place helps people feel safer exploring kinks and fantasies that they might not otherwise.
Safe words are often used in scenes involving domination and submission so that the sub can let the dom know when they’re approaching their limits, says sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey .
If a scene involves pain, a safe word may indicate that you’ve reached your limits for how much pain you want to experience. It could also indicate that you’re experiencing emotional discomfort, says psychotherapist Frank Thewes —for instance, if you’re feeling triggered by something that’s happening or it just feels like it’s happening too fast.
“You can use your safe word any time you want to stop or take a break,” O’Reilly says. “Simply utter your safe word and play should stop. You can then talk about how you’re feeling, what you want, or changes you’d like to make in order to keep playing—or opt to stop playing altogether.”
Safe words are especially helpful in scenes that involve consensual non-consent play—that is, performing resistance as part of a kink when, in reality, you are consenting. In these cases, saying “stop” could be part of the scene, so someone might want another word that actually means “stop.”
“For instance, in a role-play situation where one partner is playing a dominant teacher and the other partner is playing a submissive student, the sub can act as if they’re resisting the encounter by saying, ‘No, I can’t do that! I’m not a bad girl/boy!’ as part of the scene, while the scene continues,” O'Reilly explains. “Similarly, in a scene that involves caning or flogging, the sub can whine and squirm and yell, but the dom knows that the sub is enjoying it unless they use the safe word.”
But safe words aren’t just for BDSM. “People who have an established safe word might also use it during vanilla play to signal that they have an urgent need that must be addressed,” says Carey—for instance, if you’re uncomfortable and need to change positions, if you’re feeling uneasy, or if you need to go to the bathroom.
One system created within the BDSM community involves using three words, Stewart explains: “green” means “keep going,” “yellow” means “slow down,” and “red” means “stop the scene.”
Another approach is to pick just one word that means “stop.” It can be any word, but the key is that it’s not a word you would use otherwise; you don’t want there to be any confusion about why you’re saying the word. It should also be something that’s easy to remember and say even if your brain is a little fuzzy, says Carey. Some examples, she says, might be “pineapple” or “elephant.”
Stewart suggests using a word that’s a turn-off for the people involved so that it’ll stop everyone in their tracks, perhaps bringing humor into it. “Mine would be something like ‘all lives matter’ or ‘Trump smegma,’” she says. “It would invoke some type of disgust or emotion. The best words are the words that you and your lover decide together and may be equally emotional for you both.”
The specifics of the word aren’t too important, though. “Any word can be used as long as it is agreed upon ahead of time,” says Thewes. “The word used doesn’t matter as much as the word being respected.”
“You can establish a safe word at any time; however, typically, people establish safe words before they enter into a sexual relationship,” says Stewart. “You can bring it up to them in a casual setting, such as dinner or watching television, and frame it in the context of wanting to try something new.”
For instance, Stewart suggests, you might bring up the idea of blindfolding your partner, then say, “To make sure that we're safe, let's establish a safe word just in case you're feeling uncomfortable, so that I know and we'll stop what we're doing. Does that feel good to you? What word would you like?"
Before throwing yourself into the action, it’s helpful to do a practice round where your goal is to say the safe word whether you actually need to stop or not, says Carey. This way, “the sub has a sense memory of having said the word, so they know they’re able to do it in the midst of play,” she says. “This is important because some people become non-verbal when they’re in sub space, so if the sub realizes they can’t verbally safe-word, they need to adjust their system.”
Doing a trial run also lets the dom see whether the sub is able to effectively communicate their boundaries, Carey adds. “If the dom doesn’t trust the sub can safe-word, they can’t trust any of the signals they get.”
In addition to establishing a safe word, it’s helpful to establish what the sub would like to see happen after they use it. Some subs, for example, will appreciate an aftercare routine, says Carey, which could include cuddling, talking about the scene, or having a drink or snack.
There are some instances where safe words won’t be effective, such as when someone is deaf or hard of hearing, when someone is gagged or otherwise unable to speak, or when someone is in a mental space where they don’t feel comfortable speaking, Stewart says.
In these cases, you can instead come up with a safety gesture. “Using gestures such as tapping out, a fist, or an open hand can be helpful in conveying the message that you want,” Stewart says.
Another option is for the sub to hold a bell and ring or drop it if they want to stop, Carey says. As with a safe word, the people involved in the scene should establish the gesture in advance.
Whatever the safe word or gesture is, it’s imperative that the sub feels comfortable using it and the dom is open to hearing or seeing it. “If a sub safe-words, the dom absolutely cannot take this as a personal slight and wander away feeling resentful,” says Carey. “It is their responsibility to take care of the sub’s needs in the aftermath of safe-wording.”
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'Bachelorette' Katie Thurston's 'NSFW' group date required one.
Bachelorette star Katie Thurston has made it very clear that she’s sex-positive. And, with that, plenty of conversations have already happened on the show around sex.
Now, it seems, there’s an entire group date happening around one aspect of sex in particular: having a safe word.
Katie dropped a sneak peek photo on Instagram from episode two of her season that shows herself hanging out next to a mannequin and comedian and actress Heather McDonald. “Shoutout to @heathermcdonald for helping me host a #nsfw group date! Remember to tune in Monday nights on ABC!” she wrote, before diving into the definition of a safe word. “Safe Word: a word serving as a prearranged and unambiguous signal to end an activity, such as between a dominant and submissive sexual couple,” Katie wrote. “Our Safe Word: Peaches 🍑.”
Katie has made it super clear on and off the show that she wants to have sex-positive dates. “You’ll see [sex positivity] incorporated throughout the season in various ways that make it light and fun but also make it serious and important,” she recently told Women’s Health . “I think having both of those views of it are a good way to kind of start the conversation.”
OK, but asking for a friend here: Who needs a safe word, and what should it be?
If you’re going to be doing any kind of role play, BDSM, or really anything that pushes you out of your comfort zone, you need a safe word.
“The purpose of a safe word is to signal an immediate response, when you are too immersed in an experience that you consent to and don’t have the language to elaborate fully,” says Janet Brito, PhD, an AASECT certified sex therapist and supervisor, and founder of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health . “It lets your consenting partner know that you have reached your limit, and are requesting an end to the activity.”
Things can get heated in bed, and a safe word is something that you’ll want to whip out if the situation goes too far or you or your partner cross a line that you didn’t anticipate, Holly Richmond, PhD , a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist, previously told Women’s Health .
Once you hear or say the safe word, the situation should shut down immediately and you or your partner should comfort each other, Richmond says. (You and your partner should talk about this beforehand, just to make sure you’re both on the same page.)
It should be something that you wouldn’t normally hear or say in the bedroom. “It’s best if the safe words are simple and easy to reference,” Brito says, adding that the word should be “neutral.”
“Safe words like names of fruits, favorite hobbies, meaningful words or places you both like or that describe a place you fondly remember are helpful to remember and easier to respond to than a sexually charged word that may have a double meaning,” she says.
Words you don’t want to use are things you might say during role play, but not actually mean, like “no” or “stop.”
If you feel at all uncomfortable, you’re in pain, or you’re feeling triggered, reach for your safe word. A safe word is “a type of quick communication to inform your consenting partner that you need to stop or pause to get comfortable again, or to completely stop the activity due to requiring additional support—medical, emotional, or physical,” Brito says.
Ultimately, the safe word is there to help you both maintain respectful boundaries, Brito says. So, if you need it, use it.
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Trust: You can get more creative than "red."
If I had to guess, I'd assume your idea of what a safe word is comes from that one Fifty Shades of Grey scene. But FWIW, outside of the weird contractual obligation Ana and Christian Grey had, regular normal relationships require safe words too— especially if you're getting kinky with your partner.
Randomly just deciding to use a safe word out of the blue isn't easy—especially when you know literally nothing about when to effectively use one. But we talked to experts to create a guide for literally everything and anything you could possibly want to know about safe words, including a list of some that you and your S.O. can decide on.
"A safe word is a designated word you say when sexual play with a partner becomes too intense, painful, or starts to creep past your boundaries," explains Emily Morse, PhD, host of the SiriusXM radio show and podcast of Sex With Emily . "Once the safe word is said, all sex has to stop—and does not resume until you've checked in with each other about why the safe word was said."
If something has even the potential to push you out of your sexual comfort zone a bit, you *need* to come up with a safe word. "It's necessary whenever you're engaging in play where your boundaries might be crossed if it goes too far," explains Morse. "Usually, this is during BDSM-type play, role-play scenarios, or group sex, but can be used in any sexual situation you find yourself in."
"If you're engaging in role play, the word 'stop' might not always mean 'stop.' For instance, your character might say 'stop' or 'oh, that hurts' when you really want to keep going," explains Gigi Engle , LifeStyles brand ambassador, certified sex coach, and author of All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life . “Having a safe word is a no-frills way to indicate you want to take a break from the scene without any confusion.”
Obvi, the first step is to have a convo with your partner. "Talk with your partner, and keep the safe word simple—something you'll both be able to remember," advises Morse. "It can even be something that's personal to your relationship and has meaning and elicits intimate memories."
What are some common ones people usually pick? Morse says people use traffic light colors (green = keep going, yellow = slow down, red = stop) and, interestingly, fruits are also super popular (cue to me never looking at a cantaloupe the same again).
If you're not down for any of the basic words, Engle says pretty much anything works as long as it's totally non-sexual and would never normally be used during sex (i.e. it should completely halt the action because it's so random). If you and your partner are struggling with coming up with a creative one, don't worry, we've come up with a few options:
The minute you're starting to feel uncomfy is the exact moment when you should go ahead and holler whatever safe word you and your partner chose to go with. "Use your safe word at any moment you start to feel anxious, you're in pain, you become triggered by something, or just feel too uncomfortable to continue having sex," says Morse. And don't be afraid of what your partner will think. Engle reassures, "you are entitled to use it, without judgment or anger, any time during any sexual scene."
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