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Countering "going to do it anyway."
I recently completed a graduate course in character education in which we were required to carry out an "action project." For my project I chose to use character-based sex education to try to instill in my younger sister and her friend the self-respect, self-control, and courage needed to lead moral, fulfilling, and healthy lives.
I wanted to inform my 14-year-old sister Kathy about something that I unfortunately just began to take seriously: abstinence. Sure, I have always known what the word meant, but I had never considered it an option for me, until recently. I felt that it was my responsibility to pass the philosophy of abstinence on to my sister because I know that she will not get it in the "going to do it anyway" program that is used at her high school. Also, she is a virgin (her friend is, too), so I wanted to show her how important it is to hold onto that purity.
I started these discussions when I accidentally overheard my sister Kathy, and her friend, Michelle, talking about a "slut" that one of their friends was dating. I asked them why they considered her a slut, and Michelle responded: "She has slept with at least eight guys already, and she is easy." I asked them to think about why this girl is so promiscuous. Kathy said, "She's trying to keep a boyfriend." They assumed that having sex was a way of holding onto a boyfriend and showing love for one another. They also assumed that condoms would protect them from disease and pregnancy and that having sex had no implications for their future adult lives. My goal was to dispel all these myths.
We first tackled the issue of sex as "showing love" or "keeping a boyfriend." I used the girl they were talking about as an example of how boyfriends come and go whether girls have intercourse with them or not. We also talked about girls' feelings when they are rejected after giving part of themselves to another person. I then told them about my having pre-marital sex, and how I wished these relationships had never occurred and that the only true way to find out if a guy loves you is to make him wait until marriage.
We talked about the self-respect and courage involved in leading sexually abstinent lives until marriage. These two young girls developed a new awareness of how truly loving relationships and commitments develop and are sustained. Their awareness was evident in their response to my disclosing that I recently told my boyfriend that I wanted to abstain from sex from now on and he said he could not do this. I asked Kathy and Michelle if they thought the relationship was worth continuing, and they both said, "No, he does not love you if he won't wait for you." I was proud of their answer.
I gave real-life examples of teens who became pregnant or who contracted STDs even with the use of condoms; one of those persons was a close friend of mine.
I also wanted to make these girls aware of the physical dangers of pre-marital sex. I gave real-life examples of teens who became pregnant or who contracted STDs even with the use of condoms; one of those persons was a close friend of mine. They were shocked to find out that this friend contracted herpes from sexual intercourse while using a condom. We considered the possible implications of such diseases: the inability to conceive a baby, passing on a sexual disease to your spouse, and transmitting a disease to your baby in the womb or during delivery.
Besides being more confident in their virginity, Kathy and Michelle have now set the personal goal of saving sex for marriage. They also no longer pick apart boys or girls who are sexually active by calling them "sluts" or "pimps" but instead focus on the deeper consequences of such behaviors and on what promiscuous girls and boys must be lacking in their lives.
My sister and Michelle have recently asked two of their friends to join us in our discussions. I've also shared my project with the parents of these girls. These parents are beginning to realize that abstinence-based sex education is more beneficial than the model now used at their daughters' high school.
A pdf version of this article is available here .
Jessica Burberry. "Teaching my younger sister about sex and love." excellence & ethics (Summer, 1998).
Reprinted with permission. Excellence & Ethics , published by the Center for the 4th and 5th Rs , is the education letter of the Smart & Good Schools Project. It features essays, research, and K-12 best practices that help school leaders, teachers, students, parents, and community members do their best work (performance character) and do the right thing (moral character).
excellence & ethics is published twice a year and may be subscribed to, without cost, here .
Jessica Burberry (a pseudonym) is a first-year elementary school teacher and a graduate student in education at SUNY Cortland.
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I have been married for 5 years. Our sex life was very lusty and fulfilling when we first met - but it soon settled down to having sex once a month after a drink.
My husband is a loving man but is not demonstrative. We have chatted about the lack of sex in our relationship but end up going around in circles I was happy to go through this until we were both ready to sort it out, until last year. We usually have a drink every weekend and I often fall into a deep drink induced sleep
But I began waking in the morning feeling sore down below. I had the feeling that I had had sex but did not remember - I would ask my husband if we had sex the night before and he would say no. This continued every time I fell asleep after a drink and I could not work out why.
One night just out of curiosity I went to bed first as normal but decided to pretend to be in a deep sleep (I made sure I did not have a lot to drink) to see if anything was going on. My husband came to bed and within 15 minutes just as I was drifting off he started to touch me, and went on to have sex with me. He clearly didn¿t want me awake.
The next day I asked my husband if we had sex, and he said no! I was disgusted and felt violated and had to face him about it in a way he could not deny it. So I waited until next time pretended I was asleep again - but this time half way through I just pretended to wake and asked him what he was doing.
He came up with every excuse under the sun other than admit to what he was doing. He was distraught and said he would cut his hands off before touching me without my consent in that way again. I was very upset that he was getting off on this kind of sex preferring that to the loving intimate adventurous sex life I was trying to get back. He promised it would not happen again.
Now I cannot relax and feel I daren't have a drink in case he does those things and I get that horrible sinking feeling again the next morning. As I see it he would rather jump all over me and enjoys the fact that it is without my consent or involvement. Our sex life, or lack of it, really is not a problem but what he did when I was in a deep sleep does.
I cannot fathom out why he says he has such a hang up about sex, but can have sex with me when I am asleep.
Please help this resentment is destroying my respect for him and I feel raped and violated and have told him so. I feel I cannot confront him again about this. I got nowhere last time.
He gave me empty promises saying he would never do it again. Does it make me just as bad because I am aware it is happening and have not confronted him about it this time?
Am I consenting in a way? I am 34 and my husband is 40.
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Sexy and unsettling, in equal measure.
When it comes to adulthood, there are few things more complicated than sex . (Okay, maybe taxes, but those aren't nearly as enjoyable.) Yes, sex is fun, but it's never just fun. It can also be exciting, delicate, primal, and, on some occasions, downright thrilling. Perhaps that's why auteurs have returned so frequently over the years to films that blend sex and danger (sometimes to the point of horror —but, you know, do you what you're into, with consent).
So we wrangled a list of them together—films that titillate while still resisting straight smut-hood. (Okay there's a little of that.) The best of these films use sex in a nuanced, thought-provoking way. They highlight the vulnerability of sex and the danger of an illicit pairing. They can pique your sexual curiosity, get your heart pumping, and still make you feel like you watched something decent.
So turn the air condition up a bit to keep things comfortable, snuggle up with someone who's down with a touch of dirty, and check out this list of some of the sexiest erotic thrillers ever.
Don't worry about all the controversy surrounding this sexy, suburban thriller, and just experience it for yourself, darling. Directed by Olivia Wilde, the film stars Florence Pugh and Harry Styles as a happy couple in the 1950s who move to a creepy town created just for the mysterious company he works for.
Famous for that roller-coaster scene , Fear stars a young Reese Witherspoon as a teenager who falls in love with a shady guy named David (Mark Wahlberg). Her father doesn't approve, and David becomes increasingly protective of her until he can't take it anymore and breaks into their house.
Beside the fact that it's an excellent film, the sexual tension in The Talented Mr. Ripley is beyond palpable. Starring Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Matt Damon, the film follows Tom Ripley—a common man tasked with bringing back a wealthy playboy to the States in the 1950s. He travels to idyllic Italy, but it soon becomes apparent that Ripley is far more menacing than initially perceived, and he'll do anything to either be or have the man he is supposed to be fetching.
You should not fuck with robots. You should not fuck robots. You should not robots, period. Ex Machina is stereotypically A24-level beautiful, but it's equal parts sexy and terrifying as two men, a programmer and a tech company's CEO, come to learn that the invention they've created—a gorgeous robot by the name of Ava—is far more powerful than the two initially believed. Let's just say she's no Alexa.
Desire is a dangerous thing, be it for professional aspirations or personal ones. Black Swan dives deep into the world of ballet, pitting Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis against each other as much as it throws them together. Sensual, intense, and deeply disturbing, the feature from Darren Aronofsky is somehow sexy in a way that is borderline troubling. It will also ensure that you don't pick at your fingernails ever again,
Be prepared to do some reading after you finish this famously complicated and mind-boggling thriller from auteur David Lynch, which skewers Hollywood with its offbeat humor and dark cautionary themes. While Lynch's neo-noir focuses mostly on an aspiring actress (Naomi Watts) playing amateur detective upon her arrival in Los Angeles, the film features a notorious lesbian love scene between Watts and her co-star, Laura Elena Harding.
Not to be confused with the Oscar-winning movie about how everyone in Los Angeles is secretly racist, this Crash is directed by David Cronenberg and based on J. G. Ballard's cult novel. The film stars James Spader, Holly Hunter, Deborah Kara Unger, and Rosanna Arquette as a group of people with a very particular fetish: they get turned on by car crashes.
Richard Gere bared all in this thriller written and directed by iconoclast Paul Schrader. Gere stars as Julian, a suave and sophisticated male escort living in Los Angeles who begins an affair with a wealthy women (played by Lauren Hutton). But when one of his regular clients is murdered, Julian is the prime suspect—and he must prove his innocence while avoiding a similarly deadly fate.
Ang Lee followed up his acclaimed romance Brokeback Mountain with another controversial film: an erotic espionage-themed drama in which a Chinese woman sets out to seduce a Japanese official in an attempt to assassinate him.
Franck is a handsome young man who spends his idle summer days on a lakeside beach that's serves as a popular cruising spot for gay men. He spots another gorgeous man he's like to know, but his affections are complicated when he witnesses the object of his desire drowning another man in the water—which begins a complicated, psychosexual love affair.
A remake of the 1946 noir film (based on James M. Cain's classic novel), this David Mamet-penned adaptation stars Jack Nicholson as a drifter who begins a steamy affair with a woman who runs a roadside diner (Jessica Lange). As their chemistry burns with passion, so does their nefarious plan to murder the woman's husband.
Coinciding with the pop performer's Erotica phase, Body of Evidence stars Madonna as a woman who is charged with the murder of her lover—who died from erotic asphyxiation. Willem Dafoe plays her lawyer, who cannot help but become entangled by her sadomasochistic charms.
Bruce Willis plays a damaged former psychologist who finds himself attracted to a mysterious woman, who fulfills his most erotic desires. While the relationship becomes manipulative, it also becomes dangerous—as the former doctor is stalked by his patient's murderer who will stop at nothing to kill him before he discovers their identity.
Gael Garcia Bernal stars in this complex murder mystery from acclaimed auteur Pedro Almodóvar. A director in Madrid meets a mysterious actress, who turns out to be his childhood best friend (and crush) Enrique. The two begin a psychological journey into their troubled pasts in a twist-filled Spanish noir.
Director David Cronenberg is most interested in making his audience squirm, and there's no better example than this creepy and bizarre thriller in which Jeremy Iron plays a pair of twin gynecologists (yep, you read that right) whose brotherhood is tested in deadly ways when they both fall for the same beguiling woman.
After a young American woman living in Vienna overdoses on pills, a detective investigates to see if the event was a suicide attempt. He soon discovers that she was having an fraught affair with a psychology professor (played by Art Garfunkel)—an affair that sparked a sexual obsession.
Sharon Stone stars as a recently divorced woman who moves into a new swanky apartment in New York. She soon becomes romantically involved with two of her neighbors: a handsome man who's spying on the building's residents, and a novelist who may also be a murderer. Things get sexy, but they don't end well for anyone.
After breaking off her engagement, Allie (Bridget Fonda) is in need of a roommate in her giant Manhattan apartment. She finds Hedy (Jennifer Jason Leigh) through a personals ad and offers her a room. But their comfy relationship turns bizarre when Hedy becomes obsessed with Allie—an obsession that turns deadly.
A serial killer is stalking and murdering gay men in New York City, and Al Pacino's detective must go undercover in the dark underbelly of the S&M scene to find him. William Friedkin's thriller was controversial upon its release, but it's become a cult classic that also serves as a striking time capsule of pre-AIDS queer life.
Based on Gillian Flynn's runaway bestseller, David Fincher's film is a dark and brooding look at a modern marriage masked as
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