Sex Orgasm Masturbate
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Sex Orgasm Masturbate
By Zachary Zane Published: Nov 8, 2021
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine. His work has been featured in Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Playboy, and more.
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Here are the best ways to beat that pesky performance anxiety.
Most of us love to have orgasms, which is why it can be frustrating when some of them come easier than others. You might find you can cum in less than a minute when you're masturbating to porn by yourself, but then, when you're with a partner, it's a whole 'nother story.
If that's happening to you, I can confirm you're not alone. As the sex advice columnist here at Men’s Health , I’ve received countless questions from men who can orgasm no problem during solo masturbation but can’t say the same for when they're with a partner—even if they’re really attracted to them.
There are numerous possible reasons why you can’t reach completion when with a partner, and, not surprisingly—since your body is clearly capable of having an orgasm—most of them are in your head. (Not the head downstairs—the head that holds your brain.)
“The socially constructed stakes when sexually pleasuring oneself are undeniably different than when you’re [with one or more people],” explains Benjamin Goldman , MHC-LP, a therapist at Citron Hennessey Private Therapy . “During sex, the man is playing the role of a ‘performer,’” Goldman adds. (Not to mention that you might be self-conscious about your penis, worried you won't be able to stay hard, or about a billion other common stressors.) Meanwhile, during masturbation, you have no audience, making it easier to relax and enjoy the experience.
When you’re stressed about performing, you’re not going to be able to perform. It’s a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy. “Furthermore, when it comes to performance anxiety, we can develop self-downing thoughts that trigger the same hormones and neurotransmitters that the body pumps when you're stressed or anxious,” Goldman says.
While that loop is really challenging to break, luckily, it’s not impossible.
The key is reducing anxiety and stress, so here are some tips for getting out of your head when you're in bed with another partner.
You should not be comparing yourself to the 10-inch dudes who are seemingly pounding away for hours. You don’t see what happens off-screen: all the times he can’t get hard, how he couldn’t cum while doing the money shot, so he’s watching porn on his phone while shooting on their face, etc. Porn isn't real. So stop expecting to perform like a porn star. If you're pressuring yourself to perform like all the dudes you see in porn, you're gonna be on a one-way street to anxiety town—and orgasms require relaxation, not stress.
Not sure how? Here are some tips ! While I’m pro-porn, a 2019 systematic review of 184 articles published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine found that high porn consumption is correlated with desensitization. So if you’re consistently watching kinky 25-person BDSM orgies, it’s going to be tough to orgasm when you’re having missionary sex with just one other person.
This might not fix the psychological aspect, but my god, do vibrating cock rings and butt plugs feel goddamn amazing. If there's a toy that you like to use during masturbation, consider using it with your partner! Maybe you even do mutual masturbation side by side, so you're sort of bridging the gap between solo time and partner play. We have countless articles at Men's Health with sex toy recommendations, but I'd check out best sex toys for men , best sex toys for couples , best cock rings , and best prostate massagers .
“Communication and a sense of safety and are essential tools to have more mutually satisfying sex,” Goldman says. “Communicating about your sexual wants and tending to the wants of your partner might help enable more orgasms.” When you feel comfortable and connected with your partner, it’s easier to enjoy sex. When they know exactly what you like, and you know their turn-ons—so you know they’re experiencing pleasure—that also makes it a lot easier to have a fun and relaxed time. This will increase the likelihood of you orgasming.
Additionally, before having sex, I’d let your partner know that you struggle orgasming when with another person. If you want to be cutesy, you can even say, “It’s just a sign that I’m a little nervous because I like you.”
Often when a man can’t cum, the partner thinks it’s their problem. They think, “Is he not into me?” “Am I not hot enough?” “Am I doing something wrong?” So then they feel insecure (or lash out), which creates a terrible sexual dynamic. You’re actually more likely to orgasm when you address it because you know it’s okay if you don’t finish!
Yes, orgasms feel amazing. Yes, we should all strive to have them. “However, it might be valuable to reframe the goal of sex as an orgasm altogether,” Goldman says. “By developing communication and sense of safety, partners may conclude that orgasm, in fact, is not the end goal of sex.”
Let’s be real, guys; sex still feels damn good when you can’t cum. Having an orgasm isn’t the end-all-be-all of sex. So, if you sometimes (or often) can’t, don’t fret. It just means you can have sex for longer, which is not a bad silver lining.
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Questions Too much masturbation affects orgasms?
Last updated Apr 01, 2015 Originally published Feb 01, 1994
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Hi! I have a question about orgasms. I'm a female who has masturbated since her early teens and wonder if I've "overdone" it somewhat. I did it so frequently (sometimes every other day or so; sometimes I waited longer) that now that I'm in my early 20s, I find it harder to reach orgasm, and harder to have multiple orgasms (it used to come so easily to me). Have I "lost" that momentum? Can I regain it if, say, I stopped masturbating for several weeks or months?
Also, my partner stimulates me manually or with his tongue, and I haven't been able to "come" yet... is it because I've masturbated too much? Do women take longer to come? I think he gets bored doing it...
Thanks,
Trying to reach orgasmic plateau again
Dear Trying to reach orgasmic plateau again,
With ice cream, chocolate, or television, it's easy to see how too much of a 'good' thing might do harm to your body by fattening your belly or damaging your eyes, but stimulating your clitoris, whether by hand, by toy, or by partner's tongue, will not render you desensitized in that most delicious of spots. Your worries are completely understandable, but hear this! The amount of masturbation you're talking about is nowhere near an obsessive point, and may have no lasting effects on your current or future ability to have orgasms. If anything, self-stimulation may help you to better understand your body and its preferences, so that you and your partner, may pleasure you better. While there may be some numbness or soreness after a period of particularly vigorous or frequent stimulation, there are no negative long-term effects. You may now breathe a sigh of relief.
Many women experience difficulty reaching orgasm, either by themselves or with a lover, due to a plethora of physical, emotional, and mental issues. Perhaps your trouble climaxing solo could be attributed to your guilt or worry that you masturbate or have masturbated too much? Or to the pressure you might be putting on yourself to retain your multi-orgasmic status? You might have more success if you try not to put pressure on yourself that you "ought" to have more than one orgasm. It's also possible that as you moved on from teenage-hood your hormones have changed, which could affect your sexual drive and ability to orgasm quickly or repeatedly. Focusing on pleasant sensations and on sexy thoughts and desires may help you in your masturbatory pursuits, and also with your partner.
While he's stimulating you with his tongue or his hands, might you be distracted by wondering if you'll reach orgasm, or by worrying about why you haven't gotten there yet? Are you concerned that your boyfriend may be bored? A good percentage of sexual stimulation and turn-on happens in the mind — you might be better off focusing on how good he feels, or even pretending you are masturbating, if that helps you to get your rocks off. You might also take into consideration whether or not your partner is stimulating you effectively. It could help both of you if you show him how you like to pleasure yourself when you're on your own, and how he might change or add to his technique so he brings you closer to and over the edge.
If you think there may be any underlying emotional issues within yourself or between you and your partner that might be holding your orgasms back, you may want to devote some time to personal reflection or to a heart-to-heart with your partner. Open communication before, during, and after sex may be very powerful in terms of shedding light on issues that are usually left in the dark of the bedroom. If you need some help figuring things out, you can make an appointment with a mental health professional, or specifically with a sex therapist.
If all is well within you and between you and your partner, your trouble climaxing with him may be a simple matter of anatomy — many women find it much more difficult and rare to climax from stimulation from sex or a partner's touch than they do from their own hands. As for your last question, women do tend to take longer to reach orgasm than men, but there are no hard and fast rules for sexual behavior — even within an individual huge variances depend on time, place, relationship, life events, and many other factors. Just remember that none of this has anything to do with the amount of masturbation you've done — if that's what's working best for you right now, keep at it!
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