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Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
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Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
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Child Development
Parenting
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Trending Topics
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Neuroscience
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted October 20, 2016
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Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
In the 21st century, with our increasingly digital lives, the once-clear line between monogamy and sexual or romantic infidelity has become rather blurry. As a psychotherapist specializing in sex and intimacy issues, I regularly see couples in conflict about what does and does not constitute cheating. One partner has done something he or she thinks is perfectly normal and within the bounds of marital bliss, but the other partner feels deeply betrayed by the act, which results in profound emotional pain, sporadic rancor—sometimes simmering, sometimes explosive—and the loss of relationship trust and emotional intimacy. And until fidelity and relationship boundaries are adequately defined, the couple’s issues have no chance to abate.
None of these individuals has had an in-the-flesh sexual encounter outside of their primary relationship, and yet all four have been accused of infidelity by their spouse. These scenarios beg the question: Is in-person contact required for infidelity, or does online activity count as a betrayal?
A few years ago, in an attempt to answer this question, Jennifer Schneider , Charles Samenow , and I conducted a survey of women whose husbands were engaging in significant amounts of extramarital sexual activity, either online or in the real world. Our research found that when it comes to the negative impact of sex and romance outside the bounds of a supposedly monogamous relationship, tech-based, and real-world interactions are no different : The emotional pain, the sense of betrayal, and the loss of relationship trust feel exactly the same to the aggrieved partner.
Based on the results of this study—and more than 25 years of clinical experience—I have concluded that it’s not the specifics of a sexual or romantic act that cause the most pain and do the most damage to a romantic relationship , it’s the lying , the emotional distancing, the loss of intimacy, and the disintegration of trust. As such, I have developed a definition of cheating for the digital age that might help couples clarify what is and is not acceptable within the bounds of their relationship:
Infidelity is the breaking of trust that occurs when intimate secrets are kept from a primary romantic partner.
Please notice that this definition does not directly refer to affairs, pornography , strip clubs, hookup apps, sexting, webcams, flirting , chatting, fantasizing, or any other specific sexual or romantic act. Instead, it focuses on what matters most to you, your partner, and your relationship—the emotional distancing, the sense of intimate betrayal, and the loss of trust.
What I like most about this definition is that it applies equally to online and real-world behavior. Moreover, it is flexible depending on the relationship; it lets couples define their own version of fidelity based on what is important to them, as determined through honest, nonjudgmental discussions and mutual decision making . For some couples, behaviors like looking at porn or flirting on Facebook might be perfectly OK, so long as the couple has agreed that the behavior fits within the boundaries of their relationship and secrets are not being kept.
Infidelity is not defined by a specific behavior; it is defined by the secrets that are kept, the lies that are told, and the damage that is done to emotional intimacy and relationship trust. The strongest and happiest relationships are built on trust. When that trust is broken, one partner feels betrayed, used, and taken advantage of. To a betrayed spouse, the emotional pain associated with the loss of trust hurts far more, and the pain lasts far longer than the hurt caused by any specific sexual or romantic act. And it is only as trust is slowly restored that the betrayed partner and the relationship start to heal.
I will write about the process of healing from the betrayal of infidelity in future postings here. You can also check out my book, Out of the Doghouse .
Robert Weiss, Ph.D., MSW, is the author of Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
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