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My boyfriend and I used to have nonstop sex – but now he can’t keep up with me
‘Being hell-bent on instant sexual gratification is not a road to ecstasy.’ Composite: Getty/Guardian design team (posed by a model)
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
He says it’s not because of me, so how can we fix this? We’ve tried everything from clean eating to giving up smoking
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. At the beginning of our relationship, we had sex nonstop for days on end. Now, though, he can’t stay erect after the first round of intercourse. He says it’s not because of me and that he hasn’t lost any feelings for me. He also says that this has never happened before. But i t has been going on for more than a month now. We have tried ‘clean eating’ , getting the correct amount of sleep and not smoking . We have even taken breaks from all types of sex. But nothing is working.
Your boyfriend is not a machine … although he may suspect that’s how you think of him. The downtime that occurs between penile ejaculation and the ability to become aroused again is known as the refractory period – and it is a normal process of recharging. Very few men can skip this phase, and then only under exceptional circumstances. Women, though, can be aroused fairly soon after orgasm – and that leads some to think it is unnatural for a man to have to wait. It is not. Don’t put pressure on your boyfriend to achieve a short refractory period – you will just make him feel ashamed and possibly make it more difficult for him to become erect. Instead, remind yourself that, erotically speaking, quality, not quantity, is best. Being hell-bent on instant sexual gratification is not a road to ecstasy; nor is focusing on the number of orgasms. Instead of keeping score, take a tip from tantric masters who teach that delaying ejaculation leads to heightened eroticism and even a shortening of the refractory period after an interval of avoidance.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions .

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11/14/22

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Qatar’s World Cup promises fun — but without pleasure .
Fans traveling to watch the global soccer championship have been warned not to bring a number of items that are reportedly banned in Qatar, the site of 2022’s World Cup. Those caught with any one of the verboten items could face prison time, according to an official memo.
“Importing drugs, alcohol, pornography, pork products and religious books and material into Qatar is illegal,” reads the UK Foreign Travel Advice government website .
Beer, it is noted, will be served at designated locations , including inside stadiums during games, but prohibited elsewhere.
“Swearing and making rude gestures are considered obscene acts and offenders can be jailed and/or deported,” the site continues. “Take particular care when dealing with the police and other officials.”
The site goes on to list several cautions for visitors, such as refraining from public displays of intimacy, and it offers advice on how to dress according to Islamic code.
“You should dress modestly when in public, including while driving. Women must cover their shoulders and avoid wearing short skirts,” instructs the website.
“Both men and women are advised not to wear shorts or sleeveless tops, when going to government buildings, health-care facilities or malls.”
The list of banned items makes headlines as controversy continues to swirl around the decision to make Qatar the host country of the World Cup. The tournament, which historically takes place every four years between May, June and July, had to be shifted to November 2022 due to Qatar’s punishingly hot climate.
Besides the harsh playing conditions, fans have also criticized the Persian Gulf state’s stance on homosexuality and human rights, accusing organizers of putting profit over people. Just days ago, a Qatar World Cup ambassador told German television network ZDF that homosexuality is “damage in the mind.”
Ex-FIFA president Joseph “Sepp” Blatter commented that picking Qatar as host country had been a “mistake.”
“It was a bad choice. And I was responsible for that as president at the time,” said Blatter.
The 2022 World Cup kicks off Sunday, Nov. 20, 2022.

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