Sex Moms Kids

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Having your children catch you having sex is – or indeed should be – every parent’s worst nightmare.
My supersonic hearing apparently didn’t work too well this morning. It was 5:30 am(!!!!). Our bedroom door was closed and we thought we’d enjoy a little adult mud wrestling – without the mud, slutty clothes or actual wrestling.
My mummy superhero hearing knew to listen out for the creaking of floorboards, the little ‘tap tap tap’ on the door, followed by “mummy, daddy – good morning” announcement that we’ve taught them to be overly conspicuous with.
Listen: Holly Wainwright and Andrew Daddo talk about tackling the sex talk with kids, on our podcast for imperfect parents. Post continues after audio. 
Out of habit I randomly throw my eyes towards our door, turn my head to the side (which can be incredibly awkward depending on positioning) and listen. Normally it’s a nope, no kids. Door still closed. All good.
I turned my head to look at the door and it’s WIDE OPEN. This is the ONE morning our kids decide to be stealth ninjas. I threw the husband off (and out) and then hear our girls whispering because THEY’RE STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE OPEN DOOR!
They’ve obviously opened the door, seen Dad’s nude bits on Mum and then quietly retreated to stand on the other side of the open door to work out what to do.
We looked at each other with horrified expressions while yanking the doona up to preserve what little modesty remained. Talk about closing the gate after the horse has bolted.
Yeah well, we did too 30 seconds ago but you just royally screwed the pooch on that one kids. So, hugs and kisses and the kids leave the room. We both just looked at each other with a combo deal of horror and amusement – OK, 99 per cent horror. We both optimistically (and stupidly) hoped there was a chance they didn’t see anything.
My husband went out to see all three kids and was immediately met with our seven-year-old.
“Dad, why weren’t you wearing any clothes?”
“I was just about to get out of bed,” he said.
“And what were you doing to Mummy?”
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“Ummm, Mummy was cheeky and I was wrestling with her.”
“But why weren’t you wearing any clothes while you were wrestling her?”
“Um, Daddy, has to go to get ready for work now….”
I lay there mortified but also grateful that he was on the receiving end of these questions. I just lay there praying to the Big Man upstairs that our kids wouldn’t go to their Catholic school with stories of their parents’ nude wrestling.
When I walked out, the first question I received was… “Mum, why were you and Daddy wrestling in the nude this morning?”. As my child asked this, our second (nine years old) smirked and did some weird hip gyration that will unsettle me for the rest of my life.
I responded the only mother way I could think of.
“OK kids, let's get breakfast, help me with the lunches, get dressed, find your shoes etc…”
I must have rambled for two minutes with a list of chores and the avoidance tactic worked.
Next time we’ll barricade the stupid frickin' door.
This post originally appeared on Rock Star Mums Drink Champagne. You can follow Fiona on Facebook here.
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It’s every parents worst nightmare – having your kids walk in on you while you’re doing the deed.
And it’s probably equally as horrifying for them, however, luckily for this Aussie mum her kids are young, but young enough to know what was going on? She surely hopes so because the experience has left her mortified.
Jessica Hood, a Melbourne-mum-of-four, took to her Instagram on Thursday to let her more than 54,000 followers know of the moment she was thought to be suffering from a cardiac arrest. And not in a positive way because she was “mid thrust”.
Jessica Hood from Melbourne, blogs under the name House of Hoods and is committed to sharing the ‘raw-relatable’ side of motherhood. Picture: Instagram/House of HoodsSource:Instagram
“It’s 9.30pm on a Wednesday what could possibly go wrong? Little bit of nookie never hurt anyone right?” she began her hilarious post.
“I thought my heart couldn’t race any faster during such an intimate moment but now I’m on the verge of cardiac arrest.
“No amount of chairs or even a chested draw was gonna (sic) stop it. It was like a stampede of elephants except there was no warning. I mean why would there be?! They’re meant be asleep!”
Then it happened, her kids barged into her room while Ms Hood’s legs were “sky high” but explained her husband Karl’s “pastey white ass” was blocking her “5’oclock shadow”.
Otherwise “it could of been so much worse”.
In her latest post, she detailed the moment her kids walked in on her and her husband Karl having sex. Picture: Instagram/House of HoodsSource:Instagram
She said her mum instinct’s kicked in and she did what anyone else would do in the situation – she played dead.
“I even threw a little bit of the tongue out the side of my mouth. YEP I actually did that. Lost my dignity and any sense I had too during my most valuable time.
“Reaching around for a blanket Karl flew over me like batman with his cape, hiding any evidence of the act.”
“So were we quick enough? What did they see? Oh my God they’re going to be in therapy for life!!”
The blogger said her children are young but not as innocent as she would like.
She described the experience as a ‘nightmare’. Picture: Instagram/House of HoodsSource:Instagram
“Lily is 7 and already gives the impression she knows a lot!” the Melbourne mum wrote.
Then from beyond the doona the couple heard a little voice asking, ”What are you doing?” to which her husband responds, “We are play fighting. I’m giving mummy a massage.”
“Karl then tells them to get back to bed and our act of love seem to go unnoticed without any questions.”
“That was until I heard Lily walking off with Logan up the hallway, she *giggles* Mum and Dad were doing sex.”
“Then Logan let’s out a big laugh. Just wonderful! I’ve scarred my kids for life, either that or I’ve set them up for a life of ‘blackmailing Mummy and Daddy’.”
Jessica explained how she hoped ‘playing dead’ would cover the act, but it didn’t work. Picture: Instagram/House of HoodsSource:Instagram
Ms Hood said children are more clued on than what some parents may think and joked with her followers not to be surprised if next week they have a pony in their backyard and a brand new swimming pool.
“Tomorrow will be an interesting day. I plan to act like nothing happened and stick to ‘story’,” she said, adding “if all else fails I could just play dead … right?”
Have you experienced something similar? Tell us in the comments below.
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