Sex Men Is Women
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Sex Men Is Women
Medically Reviewed by Smitha Bhandari, MD on June 27, 2022
You’ve probably heard things like this: Men get turned on at the slightest provocation and are ready to have sex anytime, anywhere, while women tend to want sex less often and have to be “in the mood.” For years, that’s been the widespread belief: Men just have higher sex drives than women.
Research has often been cited to back up the idea that, perhaps because of their higher testosterone levels, men think more about sex, seek it more actively, and get turned on more easily. Men’s sexuality is like an on-off switch, while women’s sexuality is a complicated network of connections. Right?
Other research – along with an evolving understanding of sexuality, gender, and desire – are telling us that sex drive doesn’t fit neatly into columns labeled “male” and female.”
“Not only is the idea that men have higher sex drives an oversimplified notion, but it’s really just not true,” says Sarah Hunter Murray, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and the author of Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships.
“Our social norms and the ways we’re raised to either lean into our sexuality or repress it have a huge impact on how we experience our sexuality and how we report it in studies,” Hunter Murray says. “People raised as men in our society have been typically given more permission to speak openly about wanting sex, while young women have often been told not to express their sexuality.”
Justin Garcia, PhD, executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, agrees.
“Our sexual interest is driven by many factors, including not only biology, age, and use of medications , but also by situation – for both men and women,” he says. “Sexual attitudes are affected significantly by societal and religious attitudes. If you’ve been told that expressing your sexuality is bad, over time that will impact your sense of whether you should be doing it or not.”
And those messages may have influenced the research that has been telling us men want sex more than women.
In a 2007 study, researchers aimed to find out how much social norms influenced how men and women reported sexual behaviors including masturbation , their number of sexual partners, and watching pornography. The people they studied – all college students – were asked the same set of questions but were split into three groups.
In almost all questions, men and women tended to report different levels of sexual activity when they thought peers would be seeing their answers. Sex differences were much smaller in the lie detector group.
For example, when they believed peers would see their responses, men reported masturbating much more often than women did. But those differences virtually disappeared in the lie detector group.
And when people believed that their peers would see their answers, men reported having about 3.7 sexual partners, while women reported about 2.6. In the lie detector group, men reported about 4.4 sexual partners and women about 4.0.
Despite stereotypes, a significant proportion of men – as many as 1 in 6 – regularly have low levels of sexual desire, meaning low enough for the person to see it as a problem. A 2010 review of multiple studies found that approximately 14% to 19% of men regularly and reliably indicated that they had problematically low or decreased sexual desire.
“Men aren’t walking robots that want to have sex at the drop of a hat,” Hunter Murray says. “We often don’t give men permission to talk about the things that lead to low sex drive, such as relationship dynamics, stress , exhaustion at work, parenting, and the chores and daily grind of life.”
It’s hard to gauge whether men really want sex more than women when you’re interviewing either men or women in isolation for research. If a man says he wants sex more than his female partner does, how do you know she’d see things the same way?
The few studies that have looked at sexual desire in a “dyadic” relationship – that is, they interviewed opposite-sex couples in a relationship with each other – have pretty consistently found that men are no more or less likely to be the partner who wants more sex, more often.
One of the first studies to find this pattern was done more than 20 years ago. Among group of 72 college-age, heterosexual couples, about half reported that they had similar levels of sexual desire. Among the couples who differed in their desire, about half of those said it was the male partner who wanted sex less often.
More recently, Hunter Murray published a similar study of college-age couples that had much the same results. About half of the couples had similar levels of desire. And among those who did not, men were just as likely as women to be the partner with lower sex drive.
“Multiple studies show that men’s and women’s sexual desire levels are more similar than different,” Hunter Murray says. There has not been much research on levels of desire in transgender and nonbinary people.
“Gender norms about sex drive are outdated in a lot of ways,” she says. “If there’s something about the way you experience desire that falls in line with a stereotype, that’s fine, but so many of us fall outside of these limited boxes. There are men whose interest in sex ranges from low to none, to very high, and it’s the same for women. As humans, we vary, and as long as your sexual expression is in a healthy way that feels good and right for you [and your partner(s)], chances are your experience is normal.”
Sarah Hunter Murray, PhD, marriage and family therapist; author, Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships.
Justin Garcia, PhD, executive director, the Kinsey Institute, Indiana University.
Journal of Sex Research : “Truth and consequences: using the bogus pipeline to examine sex differences in self-reported sexuality.”
The Journal of Sexual Medicine : “Women's Sexual Desire and Arousal Disorders.”
Archives of Sexual Behavior : “Sexual desire discrepancies: effects on sexual and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual dating couples.”
Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy : “Gender differences in desire discrepancy as a predictor of sexual and relationship satisfaction in a college sample of heterosexual romantic relationships.”
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Medical Reviewer:
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SOURCES:
Brain and Behavior: "Neuroanatomy and function of human sexual behavior: A neglected or unknown issue?."
Brown University B Well Health Promotion: "Orgasm."
Cleveland Clinic: "Sexual Response Cycle."
Clinical Anatomy: "Anatomy and physiology of the clitoris, vestibular bulbs, and labia minora with a review of the female orgasm and the prevention of female sexual dysfunction."
National Health Service: "What can cause orgasm problems in women?"
National Health Services Go: "Good sex tips."
Oregon Health & Sciences University Center for Women's Health: "The Benefits of a Healthy Sex Life."
Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology: "Determinants of female sexual orgasms," "The whole versus the sum of some of the parts: toward resolving the apparent controversy of clitoral versus vaginal orgasms."
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sexual health center / sexual health a-z list / related resources / do men or women feel more pleasure during sex article
Everyone feels pleasure differently during sex. For some people, sex and pleasure is highly physical, and an orgasm is the ultimate delight. Other people don’t need an orgasm to enjoy sex or for sex to feel good. Orgasms can also feel differently each time. Some can build up slowly and be more intense, while others are short, quick, bursts of pleasure.
Both men and women can feel great pleasure during sex. The penis and the vagina each have tissue rich with nerve endings, becoming swollen with blood and highly sensitive during arousal and orgasm. Women are more likely to have problems reaching an orgasm, though, for a variety of reasons.
While sex involves your genitals, pleasure actually comes from brain chemicals and heightened senses. Different stages of sex cause physical changes that activate brain chemicals and cause intense sensations.
Both men and women go through these phases, but not necessarily in the same order.
The first stage of sex and pleasure is desire, also known as your libido. This is your natural urge and instinct to have sex, which can be influenced by your mood, thoughts, and hormones. Your body physically changes, which includes:
During arousal, your physical changes become more intense as you get excited. Your senses are heightened, and your muscles tighten in rhythm as you work toward orgasm. You may experience the following:
The orgasm is the peak of your sex cycle. It happens when your muscles relax after a series of contractions. It usually only lasts a few seconds, but can be longer for some people and is the most intense period of pleasure. You’ll have:
Your body starts to return to normal during this phase. Endorphins flood your blood, and you feel happy, warm, and sometimes sleepy. Some women are still sensitive in this phase and can be stimulated into more orgasms and pleasure, but men usually need some time.
Not everyone reaches orgasm every time, and orgasm isn’t just a physical sense of pleasure. As your brain releases endorphins, you get a natural high that triggers a mental state of bliss.
Arousal for men often starts with an erection and is a reflexive response to thoughts, fantasies, and physical stimulation. Pleasure can be both physical and emotional for men. Sex builds closeness and affection with your partner, which adds to the pleasure and satisfaction of sex.
Men also get pleasure from a partner’s pleasure during sex. Studies show men who have sex with women often feel responsible for her pleasure or for the lack of an orgasm. Men tend to feel guilty if there’s no orgasm, which can lower self-esteem and affect overall pleasure during sex.
Only about 50% of women regularly have orgasms during sex, compared to 90% or more of men. Lots of women are able to reach orgasm during masturbation but find the orgasms better and more satisfying when stemming from penetrative sex with a partner.
It’s sometimes said that orgasms aren’t important to all women, but studies show that women who don’t have them find their sex life unsatisfying. This suggests that pleasure does matter to women.
So, why do women have so much trouble reaching pleasure during sex? The most common cause is not enough stimulation, but it can also happen because of stress , worry, hormonal changes, and other problems.
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