Sex Little 15

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Sex Little 15



Raising Kids





Better Parenting





Parenting Teenagers








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Teens date. Sometimes whether you're ready for it or not. And if you're not, what comes next can be downright terrifying:


Kissing. Hugging. Holding hands. Shorter skirts. More revealing shirts.


The signs your son or daughter may be having sex are not hard to spot. But knowing how to handle the situation is anything but easy. If you're afraid your teen is having sex, here's my advice: You cannot leave this situation to chance.


It's best to bring up the issue of premature and premarital sex , and voice your concerns. Talk of your hopes and dreams for your child's future. Explain that physical and emotional issues related to sex — and this includes the possibility of a baby — could ruin her future plans. If you're reluctant to bring up the topic, find someone who will. This person could be a family friend, counselor, or trusted relative.


To forbid your daughter to have sex or to deny her contraception is naive. To think that you can watch your daughter and her boyfriend at all times is unrealistic. Teens are very skilled in finding a way to satisfy their sexual urges. Let her know the message her clothing conveys; it suggests she's interested in revealing her body and possibly satisfying her sexual desires.


Telling a sexually interested or active teenager to not engage in sexual activity is like shoveling sand against the adolescent tide. Once a child goes through puberty, his or her body is equipped to procreate, and it's difficult to reverse their interest in sex once puberty takes hold.


Besides being risky physically (because of sexually transmitted diseases and the concern of pregnancy), an intimate sexual relationship is often beyond the emotional wherewithal of most teens. Most teens don't consider this when they are out to satisfy their sexual drive. You must also prepare and protect your teenager from the burden of the emotions related to a sexual relationship.


Today the attitude of many parents of teens is a "don't ask, don't tell" approach. If parents don't see signs, then it's out of the parent's mind. Such an approach is irresponsible. Every parent needs to address sexuality issues with his or her teen. And if you are seeing signs, there is no way you can let the situation alone.


Despite the need to open up a dialogue with your daughter about her clothes and public displays of affection, it's important to let her know that you love her no matter what. It's not easy, particularly because your daughter might scoff or blow up at you. Bear up nevertheless. Proceed with love and determination to make your points regardless of how you fear your daughter will respond.


When it comes to talking to kids about sex, parents simply can't provide too many resources. And since teens today are famously Web-savvy , sharing these sexual health Web sites with them is a nonthreatening way to let them safely explore sex stats and articles on their own.


But why should teens read about sex topics by themselves? "With the media portraying sexuality more and more, with teens at younger ages having sex, and with all of the sexual 'trends' being explored, teens need viable information," says Susan Falcone, National Board Certified teacher and Family Studies department chair at Loch Raven High School in Baltimore, Maryland.


Falcone says that the "garden of misinformation" (i.e., "I heard that that...") is still the only source for many teens.


"I've been teaching sex education for 37 years and I have seen only a modicum of progress in their knowledge, while their experiences have widened well beyond their parents'. They are still embarrassed to talk about sex with their parents and parents are still embarrassed to approach the topic with their teens," Falcone says. "More and more, schools are being restricted as to what is deemed 'appropriate' to discuss in sex education classes."


Many of the following sites are sex-positive — they don't promote abstinence as the only option for teens, but rather discuss how to make responsible choices regarding sex. Visit these sites as a parent, approve the content, then share them with your child:


The teen outreach site of Planned Parenthood Federation of America offers diagrams, Q&As, and articles about sex, pregnancy, relationships, and what happens to teen bodies. The voice of the site is that of a wise teen friend, making it approachable for the middle- and high-school set.


Reproductive health professionals answer girls' questions in live chat rooms during scheduled appearances.


An interactive, easy-to-understand animated movie about the menstrual cycle with links to articles on what to do about missed periods, surviving menstrual discomfort, and more.


I Wanna Know is the teen division of the American Social Health Association, a nongovernmental-funded group that works across the country to distribute information about sexually transmitted diseases. Bulleted information gives teens a quick look at specific sexual health considerations and STDs.


A listing of questions to ask tattoo artists or body piercers to ensure an STD-free experience.


A specific area concerning emotional changes during puberty and infrequently discussed topic!


Sex has consequences — that's the message of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy , a nonprofit organization. The group aims to "improve the well-being of children, youth, and families by reducing teen pregnancy" by using in- and after-school programs to delay teens' first sexual experiences. The site has separate areas for parents, professionals, and even religious leaders, covering a wide base of adults who influence tweens and teens.


Searchable city and county birth data help parents see what role teen pregnancy plays in their communities.


Downloadable audio and video clips of TV shows, public service announcements, and mini-movies with safe-sex and abstinence-related topics.


Written in accessible language for teen readers, GirlsHealth is sponsored by the National Women's Health Information Center of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Office on Women's Health. Teens can safely click around the "Body" and "Relationships" sections to read about their physical development, first periods, first sexual relationships, and STDs.


A specific area that discusses how parents can broach the topic of puberty and sex with their teens.


The "Free Stuff!" area lets girls download girl-positive Instant Messenger icons, computer desktop wallpaper, and calendars.


It's Your Sex Life is an offshoot of the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, a nonprofit group dedicated to educating the public about major healthcare issues that face our country. It's Your Sex Life calls itself "Your Guide to Safe & Responsible Sex," and offers teens articles and fact sheets on pregnancy and contraception, HIV and STDs, and communicating effectively with their sex partners.


An interactive quiz that informs teens about recognizing STDs and taking their effects seriously.


A specific area focused on talking with partners about sex — including different real-life (not corny textbook) scenarios and how teens could react to them.


A sounding board for young adults embracing their sexuality, Scarleteen contains articles on menstruation, self-exams, contraception, relationships (gay and straight), and anatomy. Scarleteen also invites teens to "Ask a Sexpert" their most embarrassing questions or talk on chat boards about topics such as "Sexual Ethics and Politics" and "Body & Soul."


A very fresh, honest approach to what's happening to their bodies during puberty , and very candid posting boards where they can connect with other teens.


Sex, Etc. is a major collection of articles by and for teens on topics ranging from deciding whether to have sex to teen parenting to body image to abortion. (The site and accompanying print newsletter are the products of the National Teen-to-Teen Sexuality Education Project, which was developed by the Network for Family Life Education at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey.) Polls, chat boards, and a sex glossary make this a candid place for teens to talk with other teens about sex and sexuality issues.


Consistent monitoring by the Network for Family Life Education, and periodic studies regarding the success of Sex, Etc.


Interested teens — especially those with strong opinions on sexuality — are invited to apply for staff writer positions for this digital magazine.


This is the teen-focused Web site of the Coalition for Positive Sexuality , a nonprofit organization that encourages teens to demand honest sex education from their parents and educators. The group's "Just Say Yes" campaign encourages teens to look at sex as a positive experience when done responsibly. It also offers fact sheets on topics such as "What's Safe Sex," "What's Birth Control," and "What If I'm Gay?"


The "Just Say Yes" campaign is translated into Spanish.


A very inclusive approach to discussing sexuality. Much of the site discusses respecting different attitudes toward straight, gay, and bisexual teens and adults.


A peer-to-peer advocacy group for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning tweens and teens, YouthResource is committed to providing young visitors facts about the GLBTQ community and the health issues affecting those in it. The site has an extensive network of Peer Educators -- youth ages 13-24 from across the country — who answer individual and frequently asked questions by visitors.


An advocacy section where visitors can sign petitions for federal program funding read about GLBTQ-related internships and read about local and national events.


Specific communities tailored to members' interests or backgrounds — Youth of Color, Deaf Queer Youth, questioning youth -- where members can speak out about GLBTQ issues.


Over 30 years ago, one mother joined her son at a gay rights parade in New York City. Soon, she organized a support group for the families of other parade attendees in a local church basement, and today Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is hundreds of thousands of members strong. The site is a comprehensive resource for individuals looking to come out and seek the support of their families; it includes a local chapter finder, coming-out stories, and a local and national initiative listing.


A weekly e-mail newsletter that delivers up-to-the-minute happenings across the country that specifically affect GLBTQ individuals.


A thorough frequently asked questions area that gives honest advice to queries like: "Is there something wrong with being gay?" "Can gay people have families?" "Why do people come out?"


Jan Faull, MEd, is a veteran parent educator and the author of two parenting books, Mommy, I Have to Go Potty and Unplugging Power Struggles . She writes a biweekly parenting advice column for HealthyKids.com and a weekly parenting advice column in The Seattle Times newspaper. Jan Faull is the mother of three grown children and lives in the Seattle area.


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When do you know when your kid is old enough to have sex and wants to have someone sleep over at your house?
This question is perplexing many of my friends at the moment, the ones with teens around 15, 16, 17.
As with most parenting dilemmas, I had to figure this one out on my own a few years earlier than my friends because their kids are mostly younger than my eldest. I’m not sure if I got it right or wrong. But I’m happy with my decision and I’m happy to share how I came to making it.
My son had his first serious girlfriend at age 16 and she was a year older than him. It was a lovely relationship and lasted almost a year. The first time he asked if she could stay over, they had already been together a few months. I said sure and then I made her sleep on the couch in another room.
I have no idea what happened after I went to bed but I can guess because I’ve been 16.
Luca rolled his eyes at the fact he even had to go through the motions of separate rooms. He thought it was ridiculous. But I was adamant.
You can follow Luca on Facebook, here . 
I thought a lot about it. And eventually I realised I was being silly. I was also being a hypocrite.
Before I did a backflip and allowed her to sleep in his room, I reflected on my beliefs:
I also reminded myself that my son and his girlfriend were both over the legal age of consent. The law says they are old enough to have sex.
Sure, my parents didn't allow sleepovers before I was 18 but that didn't stop me having sex or even slow me down ( you can read about that here ). And just because I had certain rules growing up, being a parent is about making your own.
So that's how I came to allow my son's girlfriend to stay overnight in his room. With the door closed.
Here are some of the things you might be wondering at this point:
Yes, I had younger children in the house. Still do. At that time they were five and eight. But whenever they had sleep overs, their friends slept in the same room so it's not like they were aware of any big difference for their brother. And a 'bad' example? Again, see my beliefs above. Even if they did realise their brother was having sex (they didn't), there are lots of things older people do that young kids know they can't. Like drinking alcohol. Driving a car. Going out at night. Paying taxes.
Mia talks about her reasoning on the latest episode of Mamamia Out Loud:
Excellent question. Yes, my eldest child was a boy. Perhaps I would have felt differently if he were a girl but I don't think so and I don't plan to have different rules for our daughter. Let's see how my husband and I feel about that when the time comes......although based on the risks for girls having sex in parks and at parties and being filmed, it could be argued that it's even more important for them to be able to have their partners stay over.
This worried me for a bit. Was I responsible for upholding rules or boundaries for other people? In the case of my son's girlfriend, she was a full year old than him and I'd met her mother and spoken to her on the phone before when she'd joined us for a few days on holidays. If she'd raised sleeping arrangements with me I would have asked what she was comfortable with and then willingly complied.
But she didn't so I decided it wasn't my business to police what someone else's child was or wasn't allowed to do. My house, my rules. And my rule is that sleepovers in the same room was OK - for my son in this situation. Every parent has to make their own decision based on their own circumstances and their own kid.
In case you think our house is some kind of teenage sex den, let me alleviate you of that delusion.
My son has never had a girl I didn't know stay over. Or if he has (he probably has), they've been gone by the morning and I've been none the wiser. I assume he put them in an Uber to make sure they got home safely and treated them with the utmost respect because that's how he's been raised ( he wrote more about that here ) and that's the kind of man he is.
Now he is 19 and has another girlfriend and she stays over regularly and we all adore her and how can any of that be a bad thing?
What they do behind closed doors is none of my business.
As a parent, it can be hugely confronting to think about your kids having sex. I KNOW.
If they're little right now, the whole concept can feel surreal.
It's on par with thinking about your parents having sex.
I'm sorry for that mental picture. Please replace it with this image of me wearing a ridiculous outfit:
In my book, Work, Strife, Balance I have written more about sex and teenage girls, in particular. It's a hugely fraught area for parents. All my friends with teenage daughters are traversing terrain that feels far more complex and nuanced (and frightening) than my relatively straightforward decisions about my son.
So much of parenting, in my 20 years of doing it with mixed results, is about sorting what you feel you SHOULD do from what you believe, what you want to do and what your child wants.
I'm completely comfortable with my rules around sex under my roof even though I realise that the ability to have sex freely at home has always been one of the main motivating factors for kids moving out of home. Banning sex sleep-overs is a guaranteed way to empty your nest sooner rather than later.
So my kids will probably all be here until they're 30. I'm cool with that.
They have to buy their own condoms though. You have to draw the line somewhere.
Listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud here:

Do you agree with Mia? At what age is it ok for your kids to have 'sleepovers'?
Sorry, completely irrelevant to this discussion, but I just wanted to praise you for the article about the non-heroism of cadel evans and sports stars in general - couldn't agree more, and very sorry to hear about the backlash. We definitely need more people that think about sport the way you do!
Why does the majority think sex is the be all and end all of human existence anyway? Ever heard of teaching something called self-control? We are not animals. I mean we are but we like to think we aren't. Self-control is an unfashionable skill in these hedonistic times, but it is actually very useful and important. How are you going to have a long, proper relationship and stick with that one person for life if you are always chopping and changing girlfriends and boyfriends every few months when you get bored with that person? When my parents got married they hadn't had sex with anybody and theirs was a lifelong, stable marriage. They were well into their twenties therefore, before having sex. Most teenagers don't have the emotional maturity to start having sex anyway. Sex is not a recreation or a sport believe it or not.
Oh come on, did you read what wrote? With most (not all) teenagers all they think about IS sex. Either they are doing it, wanting to do it or thinking there was something wrong with them if nobody wants to do it with them. As parents it's our job from an early age to be open and honest and be prepared to reply to the hard questions as well as provide them with the tools should they want to act on their feelings. Teach them to respect their bodies and not be afraid to experiment if they so choose. I believe you're fooling yourself if you think your parents weren't thinking about sex even if they never acted on it. Social norms of the day restricted couples acting on feelings out of fear of repercussions given that "marriage" was seen as the ultimate in coupledom. You're right in that teenagers don't have "emotional maturity", just lots and lots of hormones, so instead of condemning their thoughts and actions, give them the emotional stability to get them through this extremely tumultuous period of their lives.
there isn't a hard question about sex, the hard question is why the children [young people] are not guided at first to get an education.

Can hardly believe I'm writing this but after a week of hardly no sleep and relationship at breaking point, I need more outside advice. My daughter turns 14 in December. At the beginning of M
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