Sex It Is More

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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

Posted March 22, 2011

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Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Have you heard this phrase: "If you don't use it, you lose it." How about: "The more you get, the more you want?" Have you noticed that the word "insatiable" goes so well with the word "desire"? Almost like peanut butter and jelly.
For myself, exploring my sexuality is like that saying about eating Chinese food. "You can have a delicious meal and 20 minutes later you are hungry again."
Maybe I am exaggerating. But if you don't stir the pot of your sexual being, you can become dormant just like a hibernating bear. Have you ever seen a hibernating bear on one of those nature shows after he awakens? Just like the bear, once you wake up and begin to feed yourself, your hunger is extraordinary. And that hunger can be quite unsettling. How do we manage that hunger?
What happens when Sleeping Beauty wakes up and the Prince is snoring? Or there is no Prince? How will Beauty feed herself? And don't take this metaphor literally, this can apply to men too.
Gena is in her forties and has two kids, runs her own business and began to explore her own sexuality. Her inner "Sleeping Beauty" woke up. Woohoo. Fantastic.
Well, actually feeling newly found sexual awakening can sometimes be uncomfortable.
Once we start exploring what we desire, figure out how desire looks, and how to reach for that desire, things can heat up. Gena recently said to me:
"Speaking of desire I have a subject that I hope to get feedback about. I have a terrible time focusing on the requirements of my daily life. Since I started to deeply explore this part of myself, I have become so focused on sex. I have a business to run, friends, kids, parents, etc. I crave all that goes with this quest. Following discussion groups, reading, watching videos, having more experiences, experimenting and exploring my own sexuality for myself.
"All of this learning seems to tug at me when I really should be working or attending to the more routine, and often less fulfilling parts of my life. I desire comfort in this newfound joy. I'm unsettled. Like I'm waiting for something. It's hard to sit with the pleasure and happiness I experience in increasing amounts as I learn and incorporate more of the eroticism and deep excitement I often feel. Maybe that's it. Too much excitement for everyday pursuits.
"How do other people deal with this? What do you do with an inability to satisfy yourself, in a complete, overall way? It seems like no matter what I experience I still have an insatiable desire for more."
I don't think that Gena is alone. After we starve ourselves and then taste food for the first time in a long while, it can be pretty overwhelming. The good news is that if we continue to feed ourselves, our lives can become more balanced and we can end up in a much better place.
It comes in waves. This insatiable need for more is always the strongest after ending sensual deep sleep.
Again, I liken it to survivors of famine who for a while after they are rescued hoard food or cannot stop eating. So many of us are starving for sensual pleasure and a fully healthy integrated life.
Sometimes we don't know our hunger until we jump-start our bodies and come out of hibernation. And then the food tastes so sweet and our bodies just cannot get enough because we went too long without feeding it.
For those of us who are just beginning to wake up again sexually: Notice your hunger, and as you are able to, feed yourself. Perhaps you need a little more right now, then let your body have it. Reassure your body that you will not take this away from yourself ever again, that it is available.
If you can afford it, explore with a workshop and indulge yourself. Look for new ways to feed and explore your own sexuality. Pleasure and sexuality can be found in so many things. Use your new-found sexual energy to channel your creativity . Painting, photography, cooking, dancing, and yoga are all great ways to continue to explore and use your nearly emerging sexual energy.
Sex is not an endpoint, it is an integral part of who we are.
Pamela Madsen is the author of Shameless and founder of The American Fertility Association.

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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC

Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

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Good sex comes from understanding how your body works. Everyone likes different things when it comes to sex, so don’t worry about whether you’re “normal.”
Sex isn’t one size fits all. What feels good to you might not be right for someone else. Everyone’s different when it comes to sexual behaviors and desires, but here are some common kinds of sexual activity:
masturbating alone or with a partner
People get turned on by different things, so communicating about what you like or don’t like lets your partner know what’s OK and what’s off limits.
Having a healthy sex life is good for you both emotionally and physically. Sex can help you create a connection with another person, and sexual pleasure has lots of health benefits — whether you’re with a partner or not. When you have an orgasm , your body gives you a natural high. You release endorphins, which are hormones that block pain and make you feel good.
There are lots of other health benefits associated with sexual pleasure:
There’s no amount of sex that’s considered “normal” — everyone’s different. How often you have sex depends on a lot of things, like whether you have a partner, what else is going on in your life, and how strong your sex drive (your desire to have sex) is.
People have different sex drives . Your own sex drive can change based on things like stress, medications you take, and other physical, emotional, and lifestyle factors. Some people want to have sex every day or more than once a day, and some people hardly ever want to have sex. People who don't experience any sexual attraction for anyone may call themselves asexual .
Having a healthy sex life is about taking care of yourself, whether you have a partner or not. Physically, that means practicing safer sex , getting tested for STDs regularly, preventing unintended pregnancies , and seeing a doctor or nurse if you have a sexual disorder or any other health problems.
Feeling good about your body, enjoying sexual pleasure, being comfortable with your sexual orientation and gender identity , and having healthy relationships are also big parts of healthy sexuality. Having a healthy sex life means knowing what you do and don’t want to do sexually and being able to communicate that to your partners. Your partner should respect your boundaries, and you should respect theirs.
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