Sex Is Romantic

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Sex Is Romantic
Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor
Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor
Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
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1 . Learn what your partner finds romantic.
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2 . Get to know your partner's inner world.
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5 . Kiss them in places other than their mouth.
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8 . Be romantic in your day-to-day life.
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Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor
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Sometimes, you want sex that goes beyond the physical: sex that's full of powerful emotions, simultaneously intense and tender, almost spiritual. Not just two bodies intertwining but also two souls.
Sexual romance is the experience of expressing feelings of love, passion, and care through erotic touch. So, to have more romantic sex, you'll want to find ways to communicate how you feel about your partner through your sexual actions.
With that in mind, here are a few ways to make sex more romantic, from sexuality experts:
"Romance is relative," sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S. , recently told mbg. What you find romantic might be different from what your partner finds romantic, which might be different from what the next person finds romantic. So, take time to actually ask your partner what sexual romance means to them , specifically.
This conversation itself can be fairly steamy. On an intimate date night, ask them about what intimate, passionate sex looks like to them. Ask them how they like to be touched and held. You're sure to enjoy the conversation that follows, and whatever else comes after that. "Talking about sex when you're not having it can actually increase the quality of the sex you have tremendously," Battle adds.
Then, deliver on whatever desires they shared with you. Not only will you be giving them pleasure in the exact way they like it, but they'll also know you were really listening to them and care about making them feel good.
Sexual romance starts outside the bedroom. Because romantic sex is all about showing how you feel through sexuality, you first need to actually nurture that connection.
Take time to actually get to know your partner: their hopes, dreams, personal challenges, fears, and desires. Spend quality time with them, getting to know their soul well, from their adorable little quirks to their most amazing, awe-inspiring qualities. When you can truly appreciate how wonderful your partner is, you'll be better able to convey genuine adoration for them in bed.
One of the simplest ways to cultivate sexual romance is to physically set the right scene for your intimate activities, according to certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST . She recommends taking the time to create a romantic, sensual environment by attending to the five senses in your space. 
"Getting creative with sensory experiences like incorporating sultry scents, listening to sexy music, and so on can expand your sexual experience," she recently told mbg. "Consider bringing in softer lighting and make sure that the space is clean and free of things like pet hair [or] clothes all over the floor to enhance the sexual space and make it free of distractions."
Eye contact can instantly make sex more intimate , according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW . "Eye gazing can promote feelings of safety and attunement."
Aim for sex positions that allow you to face each other, and even better if you can be close enough to really gaze into each other's eyes throughout the act. Really try to see into your partner's soul and see them fully.
Lay soft kisses all over their body, especially in the more tender and vulnerable places. A kiss on the back of the hand, the forehead, the shoulder, or the inner thigh—delivered oh-so-gently—can make the heart flutter and swell.
Likewise, sometimes even the simple act of holding your partner's hands during sex can make the experience all the more romantic. Interlock your fingers with theirs as you gaze into each other's eyes and melt into each other.
The yab yum, also known as the lotus sex position , is a classic Tantric sex position for a reason: It's incredibly intimate and involves creating a deep, spiritual connection between partners. One partner sits upright on the ground or bed, and the other sits on their lap and wraps their legs around the base partner. From there, sex and relationship coach Prandhara Prem, M.A. , recommends engaging in circular breathing together: as one partner breathes in, the other breathes out, creating a "circular flow" of energy exchange between you.
"The other breathing that you can do is breathing together in and out at the same pace," Prem also shared with mbg. "This gets your heart to beat at the same rate, thereby allowing you to be more empathetic with each other and know what the other is feeling."
In general, if you're actively cultivating romance in your daily life, you'll find that romance translating more easily into your sex life.
"Being romantic involves creating a sense of passion, anticipation, and excitement within a relationship," clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D. , recently told mbg. "Romantic partners don't need to be a specific personality type; they can be introverts, ambiverts, or extroverts. A romantic partner, however, does need to be attentive, thoughtful, willing, creative, and considerate of [their] partner's secret (and not-so-secret) longings."
Try showing affection for your partner more actively by planning special experiences for them, kissing them passionately at random moments, writing a love letter , or other romantic gestures . 
According to research by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., psychologists and founders of The Gottman Institute , cuddling is strongly correlated with a good sex life. "Ninety-six percent of the non-cuddlers said they had a bad sex life," John told mbg in a recent podcast episode , referencing a survey they conducted of some 70,000 people across 24 countries.
So, cuddle more often in your day-to-day lives. You might even consider getting more creative with your cuddling positions . (See also: spooning sex .)
Continue showing care for your partner after the sex is over, so they know the intimacy you've just shared extends beyond just the sexual realm. "If one of you goes to sleep right away or puts on your clothes to leave, you're overlooking an important step, and doing so can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection," trauma-informed relationship coach Julie Nguyen writes at mbg .
Aftercare refers to checking in with each other after a sexual experience to reconnect and make sure you both feel good about it. "Intentional aftercare gives you time to reflect on what just happened, validate each other's feelings, and clear up anything that you weren't able to mention during sex," Nguyen explains.
If you want a sexual moment to be more romantic, sometimes it's as simple as saying what's on your mind. This isn't about whispering sweet nothings but rather opening up to be truly vulnerable with your emotions. How does your partner make you feel? What do they mean to you? What do you love about them—their personality, the way they look, the little things they do that pull you in? Let them know, right there and then in the middle of the act.
The more ways you can find to communicate your feelings for your partner during sex, the more romantic your sexual experiences will be.
Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good — more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable. In addition to working with individuals in her private practice, Kelly serves as the Sex & Relationships Editor at mindbodygreen. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University , and she’s been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed , among others. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be.
You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
© 2009 - 2022 MindBodyGreen LLC. All rights reserved.

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If you've ever had toe-curling, headboard-banging, amazing sex with someone you were into, only be told that they aren't actually looking for a relationship, you may already know the difference between sexual and romantic attraction . (And the importance of talking about your intentions before getting frisky with someone.)
Whether you're down to hook up but don't want to seriously date, or you feel super smitten but aren't trying to have sex, it's totally possible to feel one type of attraction to someone without feeling the other.
"Sexual and romantic attraction are different," Syd Stephenson , GLAAD ambassador, tells Bustle. "Sexual attraction comes from a sexual desire for something or someone, while romantic attraction is the want to have a romantic relationship with someone outside of sex."
As Stephenson shares, feeling sexually and/or romantically attracted to someone means different things for different people. Perhaps you feel sexually attracted to multiple or all genders , but only desire to seriously date certain genders. Maybe you're down to hook up with someone but don't want anything more than that, or you're into someone but don't want to get physical.
Take asexual people , who often don't feel a sense of sexual attraction but may enjoy having romantic relationships with others. Or aromantic folks who may enjoy having sex but may not have a desire to be in a romantic partnership.
"People can have a variety of orientations," Jor-El Caraballo , co-creator of holistic wellness center Viva Wellness and LGBTQ therapist, tells Bustle. "Sexuality is one orientation. Romantic orientation is another."
According to Caraballo, for queer and straight people alike, sexual and romantic orientations overlap and diverge in different ways. While queer people may experience different types of attraction to partners of different genders, Caraballo says that straight people can experience these feelings too.
"You can experience sexual attraction to someone but not have a romantic interest in them — a casual hook-up is a good example," Caraballo says. "And vice versa, you may have a strong affection for someone but not necessarily desire a sexual relationship with that person."
Dr. Melissa A. Fabello , sex and wellness educator, tells Bustle that one's sexuality is formed from an array of interconnected experiences and identities.
"We tend to think about relationships in very strict terms, but, in reality, there is a lot of variety in how people engage sexually and romantically," Fabello says. "All of those ways — so long as everyone involved is safe — should be acknowledged and celebrated.
Per Fabello, the difference between sexual and romantic attraction can be understood using something called the split attraction model (SAM).
"According to the split attraction model, sexual and romantic attraction can be different for people," she says. "Some people experience their sexual attraction (who they want to have sex with) and romantic attraction (who they want to date) differently."
While the SAM isn't perfect, Fabello says it can be useful for people who experience sexual and romantic attraction separately. Because sexuality is such a complex and layered thing, structures (like the SAM) can help people guide their conversations and better express themselves and their needs.
"Language will never suffice to describe the human experience because it's much too vast," she says. "But the more words we have to choose from, the more likely we are to find something that fits."
Knowing the words or labels to express your sexuality can help you communicate your needs and experiences more specifically. While it's good to want to better understand someone's sexual identity, it's imperative to give people space and support to define their experiences for themselves.
"If someone expresses their sexual experience to you in a way that feels confusing — or even problematic — it's OK to challenge that. But it's never OK to refuse or reject a person's experience just because it doesn't make sense to you," Fabello says.
In other words, when your friend says something that fetishizes their new crush or your date makes a biphobic joke, it's completely appropriate to call them on it. But if someone is trying to express themselves to you or you or shares experiences that you don't personally understand, shaming or dismissing what they are saying can be incredibly harmful.
"It’s important to validate someone when they tell you their identity," Stephenson says. "Having a more nuanced understanding of your own sexuality helps you communicate your needs and desires to other people more effectively."
Having supportive and validating conversations about sexuality helps people better understand themselves and their relationships. Additionally, it can help people better understand what types of relationships or encounters that they are looking for, nixing potential miscommunications or mismatched expectations.
Syd Stephenson, GLAAD campus ambassador
Jor-El Caraballo , co-creator of holistic wellness center Viva Wellness
Dr. Melissa A. Fabello , sex and wellness educator


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Fall in love with your partner all over again.
Sometimes, you only have few minutes for a quickie . Other times, you want to dabble in some BSDM and get kinky with your partner, incorporating sex toys , elements of bondage, role-play, and submission . Then there are the times you want to have a romantic and intimate sexual experience—something that shows them just how much you care about them. You want to look into your partner’s eyes and stare into their soul. You want to start slow and progressively build until sweat is dripping everywhere and your bodies meld into one. You want to orgasm at the same time, feeling more connected to them than you ever have before.
The right sex position can help you achieve that. Odds are, you’re not going to have the most romantic sex while pounding away in doggy style or contorting your bodies for a 69 session , even though both can be a lot of fun. Instead, you want a position that lends itself to romance and intimacy. “In these positions, you have the ability to gaze in each other’s eyes, kiss, press your flesh against each other and enjoy the warmth, and feel the syncing of breath and heartbeat,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, sex therapist, and author of So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex . “These positions provide a sense of surrender and the loss of self as we let go from ‘me’ and move to ‘we.’"
With expert advice from Kerner, we came up with a list of 12 intimate sexual positions that will bring you and your lover closer together physically and emotionally.
"At the heart of intimate sex is the pressing of flesh against flesh and the gaze between eyes," Kerner says. "Some lovers stare into each other's eyes right through orgasm. The face off brings body and mind into a state of intimate merging. Take this one slow and easy right through the end."
The coital alignment technique, often referred to as the CAT , is a variation of missionary, only in the CAT, the person on top raises themselves onto their arms with their shoulders high and back arched. (If you do yoga, this position is similar to an upward-facing dog pose.) The CAT's focus is less on penetration and more on clitoral stimulation using the backside of your penis (or dildo).
"With its rocking back and forth, the CAT position uses rhythmic movement to help bring couples into a sexual flow state," Kerner says. "Think pushing someone on a swing or slow dancing. As you get a slow rhythm going, let the momentum naturally build."
"Arousal is all about the warmth generated by touch and this position enables a deep sense of emotional safety when pressed into a lover's bosom," Kerner says. "A great position to apply a lot of tender touch and kissing to your partner's breasts."
You can get into the butterfly sex position (a.k.a G-Whiz) by lifting your partner's legs over your shoulders from missionary.
"Face-to-face and eye-to-eye—but with deep penetration and emphasis on the g-spot—this position is great for slow synchronized thrusting and can provide both partners with deep orgasms," Kerner says. "[This position] is great for couples that want to practice simultaneous orgasms."
In the Iron Chef, the person being penetrated rests their behind on the edge of a counter (e.g., washing machine, bathroom sink, etc.). From there, the top can grab their butt and thrust deeply.
"While carrying a bride across the threshold comes with a lifetime of responsibility, this position allows you to carry someone across the threshold of passion, and what better way to carry someo
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