Sex Is Marriage
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Sex Is Marriage
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Maureen McGrath is a sex educator, author, registered nurse, and self-described “sexpert.”
In 2016, McGrath, who has a clinical sex practice, gave a TED Talk on the topic of sex and marriage that has been watched by nearly 10 million people.
The clip is a bit strange. McGrath’s delivery feels, at times, a bit like a standup comedy routine. Some of her observations on sex are a bit childish; others are facile.
That said, McGrath does sprinkle into her lecture a lot of information that is interesting—things people may have wondered about sex but never thought to ask. (Example: At what age do people stop having sex? It’s a question I’ve often wondered.)
Some of McGrath’s conclusions are questionable, in my opinion, but she does offer some interesting statistics on sex and marriage. Here are six:
1. During the first decade of marriage, couples have sex a little bit more than once per week—58 times annually—on average.
2. Roughly 20 percent of married couples fall into the “sexless marriage” category, defined as having sex less than 10 times per year.
3. Ten percent of people check their cell phones during sex; 35 percent immediately after completion.
4. About 50 percent of married men say they are dissatisfied with their sex lives. (About 75 percent of men say they are satisfied in their marriage, however.)
5. Fifty percent of men say they would not have married their partner if their marriage did not involve sex.
6. A majority of couples don’t have sex on their wedding night.
There are some interesting things to consider here, and I think it’s important to be able to be honest and reflective about the realities of sexual desire and sexual trends. But in some ways McGrath’s presentation left me with more questions than answers.
Does our culture emphasize sex too much or not enough? Is sex today really “shrouded in shame,” as McGrath claims? Is sex actually “the barometer of the state of affairs in a marriage,” and if so is that a good thing?
Questions aside, I think McGrath does conclude her talk with some wise advice.
“Deal with your marital issues. Go to sleep in the same bed, at the same time,” she says. And more importantly: “You must establish guidelines that govern those moments when you are struck by someone’s attractiveness outside of your marriage.”
McGrath’s final point is important. Beauty and desire are powerful forces, and we live in a time which teaches that passions and desires are not to be restrained.
“The world says: ‘You have needs — satisfy them,’” the Elder Zosima points out in Dostoevsky’s masterpiece The Brothers Karamazov . “And they believe this is freedom.”
Dostoyevsky’s point is clear: The sensualist life eventually becomes enslavement. There is truth in this idea, I think, but it’s an ethic we rarely hear in the 21st century.
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Does Consensual Sex Equal Marriage?
When a couple has consensual sex, doesn’t that mean they’re essentially married in God’s eyes?
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Home » Family QAs » Get Help » Family Q&A » Sexuality Q&As » Does Consensual Sex Equal Marriage?
If everyone believed that sex implies marriage, women would be more likely to guard their virginity, and men would be far more careful if they knew that sexual intimacy demanded commitment. Shouldn’t that be the message we communicate when it comes to premarital sex?
Technically speaking, you’re right: In God’s eyes, sexual union is an integral part of marriage — even more than church ceremonies or legal documents. But consensual sex isn’t the same thing as the commitment of marriage.
Scripture tells us that marriage is fundamentally a matter of a man and a woman becoming one flesh . And sexual intercourse is central to that process. Modern culture might treat sex as a toy, but in reality it’s a powerful thing. It creates a bond between a husband and wife that isn’t easily broken.
That truth is why the apostle Paul warns, “Do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two will become one flesh.’” ( 1 Corinthians 6:16 ).
But biblical theology needs to be put into practical application. And it’s not so much a matter of helping people understand that sexual activity equals marriage in the eyes of God — the real question is how to get them to care .
Part of the answer lies in helping people understand the incredible value of the exclusive relationship between husband and wife. The one-flesh union of genuine biblical marriage should embrace every aspect of human existence: mental, emotional, moral, spiritual, economic, and physical and sexual.
True, the physical bond plays a crucial role in bringing all these ingredients together. In a certain sense, it cements them into a whole. But it’s not , in and of itself, the “one flesh” relationship described in Genesis 2:24 .
Sex is not a sufficient basis for establishing an ongoing commitment of the will and intellect between partners. That’s why most cultures have developed ways of solemnizing the sexual/marital relationship to make it socially and legally binding.
Even if we could get all men and women to believe that there’s a connection between sex and marriage, the problems we face in western culture about premarital sex wouldn’t disappear — because knowing and doing aren’t the same thing.
This is especially true when it comes to passions as powerful as those associated with sex. People need to be held accountable to act according to the truths they claim to know and believe. And that’s where social sanctions and the authority of the larger community come into play.
From the biblical viewpoint, there’s a distinctly communal aspect to marriage. It’s first understood in a couple’s decision to leave their parents and cleave to one another . With that step, they initiate a new family unit as a part of general human society. The implication is that marriage — including the sexual act that results in “becoming one flesh” — is anything but a purely private affair.
Marriage involves a couple’s public commitment to build a strong and lasting relationship. That relationship isn’t merely a foundation for the nurturing of their own children; it’s also a building block of social stability and a contribution to the well-being of the broader community.
This is why vows, rings, ceremonies, and marriage licenses have such crucial functions within the cultural “economy” of marriage — each plays a vital role in holding marriage partners accountable to the mutual promises they make when they engage in physical intimacy. Without that public accountability, commitments can easily be forgotten.
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