Sex Is Boring
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Sex Is Boring
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3. Talk about what turns you on now.
4. Take intercourse off the menu for a while.
5. Have vacation sex ― or staycation sex.
6. Go ahead: Press send on that sexy mid-day text.
7. Discuss your sexual highlight reel.
Sexless Marriage Confessions See Gallery
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Senior Lifestyle Reporter, HuffPost
When you’ve been in a relationship for years, it’s all too easy to grow comfortable and slip into a sexual rut. The problem with comfortable is it oftentimes leads to boring ― and no couple should settle for boring sex.
To help you bring excitement back to your sex life, we asked sex experts to share their best tips for couples in long-term relationships. See what they had to say below.
Be honest with yourself: Who tends to initiate sex more often, you or your partner? If you’re the less sexually assertive partner, flip the script and take the lead on getting things started tonight, advised Jenny Block , a sex expert and the author of The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex .
“Change things up: Don’t allow yourself to dance the familiar and instead choose the steps you have yet to take for a spin,” she said. “Do you always do things in a certain order, in a certain way? Well, forget all of that. Let go, let loose and let yourselves be free, new and unfettered again.”
You never thought you and your partner would become one of those couples that has to schedule in sex. But the reality is, hot, spontaneous sex doesn’t always happen on the regular for long-term couples, said Tammy Nelson , a sex and relationship therapist and the author of The New Monogamy . If you’re more inclined to get busy Saturday afternoon, when you’re well-rested and relaxed, more power to you for acknowledging it.
“With a sex date on the calendar, you are more likely to plan out what you can do to make it fun, different and exciting,” she said. “You can be as spontaneous and impulsive as you want ― but sometimes you have to plan it.”
At this point, you know how to turn your partner on ― or at least you think you do. Chances are, the sex script you’ve been using to get your partner off for years needs some updating, said Celeste Hirschman , a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion .
“The best way to put an end to boring sex is to have a really honest, detailed conversation about what turns you on with instructions, examples and a PowerPoint ― just kidding about the PowerPoint,” she joked.
Approach the conversation without judgement and be very explicit about what you want. Show don’t tell, Hirschman said.
“Don’t just say, ‘I need you to be more passionate,’ show your S.O. exactly what being more passionate would look like by doing it to them,” she explained.
As Hirschman notes, this approach means you’ll have to get over the idea that your partner should “just know” what you want.
“That’s a horrible myth that gets in the way of steamy, hot sex,” she said.
Sex is about more than just intercourse, said Chris Rose, a sex educator at PleasureMechanics.com . To revive your sex life, take a one- or two-month break from intercourse.
“In the interim, commit to getting naked and touching one another more frequently. Explore full body contact, your hands and mouths, erotic talk and all the other ways you can pleasure one another,” she said. “You may just discover a new favorite path to arousal.”
There’s nothing better than a vacation ― except maybe vacation sex. If you can’t financially swing a weekend getaway, turn your bedroom into a little escape by sprucing it up a bit, Block said.
“Create something new that will inspire you to play just like when your surroundings are fresh and foreign,” she said. “Clear the clutter. Splurge on new sheets. Pick up some fresh flowers. Drown out the outside world with music that puts you both in the mood. Switch out your bulbs to create a more inviting lighting design ― whatever it takes.”
Sex is all about the buildup. Sending a sexually charged text to your partner will get the message across that you’re in the mood and create what Nelson likes to call “erotic anticipation.” (Let no eggplant or peach emoji go unused!)
“The more provocative the better ― but try not to be too blatantly sexual,” she said. “Texting is like teasing: you can use it to connect and give just a taste of what is to come.”
When you think back on your sexual encounters as a couple, what really got you going? Mull that over, then share your thoughts with your S.O., sparing no detail, Rose said.
“Talk about your best sexual encounters together and explore the details. Where were you? What happened? What were you both feeling?” she advised. “Dig deep into your best shared sexual memories and you’ll likely open up your erotic future.”
Don’t idly assume that your partner knows how much you appreciate them, said Danielle Harel , a sex therapist and the co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion . Tell them. Ultimately, feeling emotionally connected is what keeps partners feeling safe and turned on, she explained.
“This means talking about how beautiful, handsome or sexy you still are to each other and how much you appreciate each other,” Harel said. “It also means empathetically listening to each other.”
She added: “It might be scary, but having deep conversations can make you see each other as new, exciting and sexy again.”
Senior Lifestyle Reporter, HuffPost
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I always thought I really wanted sex. I just turned it down because I was waiting for the right guy. Then when I finally started having sex...it got boring. At first I loved it, but now that we've been having sex for 6 months I get bored in the middle of it.
We still have our usual times that we hang out and our usual dates. But whenever we have sex, we have to plan it out and book a hotel because we don't have our own place. So once a week, the same time every week, we stay at the same hotel. And it's always the same routine. First we grab fast food at the same place every week and take it back to the hotel so we have enough time. And normally we always talk and communicate, but the times we go out for sex, he always wants to watch TV in bed while we eat, so I eventually gave up on talking during these times. We just watch TV and eat the same thing we eat every week.
Then he gets up to get a shower. When he comes back, we kiss for a minute, we have oral sex for a little bit, and then about an hour of intercourse (always in the same 6 positions in the exact same order, so I always know which position we're starting in, which is coming next, and which one is after that, and so on). Then we have the same routine afterwards where we end up in the same cuddling position as always and watch TV. I used to try to talk during these times, but I gave up because he doesn't like to talk after sex either. So we watch TV and cuddle until he's ready for round two.
The second time around is always no foreplay, because he's not interested in us touching each other, and he won't go down on me after he's already been in me. Again we go through all the same sex positions in the same order. And lately I have this issue where when he tries spooning position for a long time I get bored and have the hardest time not falling asleep after enough time. And I try to get us to change positions and to be more interactive, but he says, "But I like this one" and won't change.
What am I supposed to do??? He says he loves me and that he wants to marry me in a year or two, but I wasn't expecting sex to turn into something that I try to stay awake through. Help
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You are not bored, you are completely dissatisfied. And your dude has zero interest in changing that because it works for him. Is he motivated about anything? The math is too sketchy for me to attempt but is he mid 30s, living at home?
You have allowed this ho-hum routine and his refusal to change it by convincing yourself your sex-pectations are too high. They are not. Variety, titillation, and enjoyment are the main reasons to even have sex. I suspect he is taking advantage of your lack of exposure. Maybe if you refuse to show up he will pay attention when you tell him your needs are not being met and you hope he will take the opportunity to change that. If not, let him know you are just not compatible and find someone fun to play catch up with.
@mytwosense :
Now that you mention it, no, I don't think he's motivated about anything. And yes he's in his mid-30s living between his mom's house and his siblings' houses. He does have a decent paying job though. I've tried to help him by convincing him to contribute to his 401k and teaching him how to do that, teaching him how to do his own taxes online, etc. But he's just not interested in getting his own place. At one point he said he was going to get his own apartment so we'd have someplace private to go, but one day he just never mentioned it again (I think he's just waiting for me to buy my own house like I'm planning on and working towards).
But when he was trying to get me, he certainly seemed motivated about that. He became one of my best friends and was also always trying to help me out with everything (which he later admitted the whole reason he was hanging around me in the first place was because he was attracted to me). He is still helpful to me.
I don't know what to do. He keeps saying, "I want you to be my last," "I love you so much," "We can have a baby whenever you decide you want one," ""I want to spend forever with you," "When we get married..." And for quite a while the sex was fine, because he's my first and I was still getting used to having it. But now it's boring.
@Anonymous :
He has sprinkled just enough crumbs for you to think this will lead you somewhere. But since he is satisfied with mediocrity, you must know he is not too perturbed by this status quo.
Unfortunately, with this roadmap, the path surely only leads to misery. Imagine the entire burden of your livelihoods sitting on your shoulders. Your housing. Your sexual gratification (self served.) Your finances. Your second baby, because he counts as one. You really only have two choices, and you have already tried the one where you just go along despite being unfulfilled. I again highly recommend you try the other tactic now.
@mytwosense :
Agreed....
Sorry, but I've lost count of things that make this guy less than desirable...
He sounds like he's terrible in bed, a selfish lover, and, is using you like a blow-up doll with a pulse. I mean, sex can either be raw passion or an intimate encounter - and you two have neither. It's like he's meeting up with an escort to bust a nut.
Then still living with his parents at his age? Oh gosh no...even a bigger turn off.
My 6-yr guy? He and I were never serious. He had a live-in woman (sorry, hard to call a grown woman a "gf") and I suspect he was seeing others beside me "and" her....But, he was a great lover...tall, good looking and perfect penis. Sex NEVER got boring. Actually it got better with time. I have yet to find someone who was as good as him :(
Now, yes, we did differ on some things like ambition and religion and stuff...but I rubbed off on him. Eventually I did reach the point where I would never put my life on hold over some guy...and now I prefer a more refined guy...but still, miss the great sex.
Dump this guy. He's a loser...and if he can't even give you great sex, then he has no purpose.
@ThisGal :
I wouldn't exactly describe him as selfish in bed. He does make sure I finish before he does, at least the first time around. (Half the time I don't finish the second time around though.)
"I mean, sex can either be raw passion or an intimate encounter - and you two have neither." This part really got to me. You're right. And I can think back before we went to the hotel last night and his words to me before we went were "I need p****," and his words to me the last time we changed positions were "I wanna hit it from the back". And it feels like both the intimacy and the passion are lacking.
@Anonymous :
"he's in his mid-30s living between his mom's house and his siblings' houses."
This would have been enough for me to not even date him..............
You say that he says he loves you. You don't mention loving him. I think this relationship has run its course.
Some people really like their routines. You could try talking to him, but I'd guess he'd always be trying to get back into a comfortable routine. He's not a spontaneous guy.
There's someone out there who'd enjoy talking with you and appreciate your interest in a more varied sex life. Go look for him.
Sex is not boring, your bf is. Anything is boring if it's repetitive and predictable and your bf is acting from a well worn script.
You've tried talking to him and like most guys, he didn't listen. You can try to explain these things to him like you did here but the problem isn't him not knowing, it's him not wanting to vary or change.
I don't think the two of you are sexually compatible. He likes what he likes and isn't really interested in doing something you might like.
Find someone who will listen and then adapt their behavior based on the new information. Find someone who when you tell them you want to try something new or different, doesn't tell you he doesn't like that and doesn't realize you don't like how it's being done.
Neither of you have your own place? Does that mean you have very up tight roommates? You’re both way too old to be living at home with your parents.
It’s going to be tough to enjoy sex with someone like him. I suggest you find yourself an independent man with his own place. You should probably think about moving into your own place as well.
Nowhere in your account do I see anything at all about how you talked to him and discussed what you liked to do during sex.
Rent a donky, clown,or even a couple midgets perhaps to spice things up.
Tell him that it is beginning to get boring in the least offensive way. Maybe look up some ways to spice it up or new thing & kinks you would be into. Something obviously needs to change so let him know or it looks like you’ll end up leaving .
@ryanbbq :
If I mention kinks, either they never happen ever, or he incorporates them the exact same way every single time we have sex during the exact same part of sex so that it's a part of the routine.
And I can't figure out whether the problem is him or me. I waited until later in life to start having sex, so I have 6 months experience actually having sex. He started having sex really early in life, so he has 20 years experience (although he's only 8 years older than I am). Maybe my expectations were just too high?
All I know is, if I have to lay there one more time for another 20 minutes while he's behind me and not really being able to do anything and just waiting and waiting for him to change positions, I might end up falling asleep. I want to do something. And I'd also like for things to be less predictable.
But maybe I was just expecting to much? I have no idea.
@Anonymous :
Tell him all this and if he still doesn’t change & you really can’t take it i recommend just not having sex anymore or leave him don’t ever stay just because it’s comfortable or you don’t wanna hurt the other person do what you feel is best if he loved you & wants to marry you like he says he should want to be better
To me it seems your sexual life is boring by design. Whether you realize this or not. If it is boring long enough one or both of you may be tempted to cheat.
When I read your post there is plenty of discussion about physical
engagement. This is rather typical with teens. BUT.....as you get older the physical only will get boring. You need to engage mentally.
The most erotic part of your body is your mind.
This is key to why people cheat. A new person is stimulating, different, and cheating itself accelerates the mind as one must be very careful not to get caught. The intrigue from all of this can be quite stimulating if not addictive. But it is important to understand this dynamic.
Is he this repetitive/rigid in other aspects of his life?
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by Laura Tedesco Published: Jun 17, 2014
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And how to win back her attention—in a big way
News flash: The passion will fade with time—no matter how eagerly she jumped in the sack when you first started dating.
But less urgency doesn’t have to translate to all-out boredom in bed. After you’ve been together a while, “you don’t feel I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off lust, but you still want the person,” says Brandy Engler, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based sex therapist and author of The Men on My Couch .
“Boredom is more of an aversive state—like, ‘I’m not really feeling this at all.’”
So how can you tell when your girlfriend has drifted into “I could not care less about sex” territory?
Watch for these five signs—some subtle, others glaring—that she’s checked out in the sack, and learn how to reengage her before your sexual deficit carries over to the rest of your relationship.
Maybe she really doesn’t want to watch House of Cards with you. But there’s a more likely reason for her early bedtime: She’s aiming to avoid intimacy.
“She is trying not to be in bed at the same time [as you],” says Engler. “Women talk about doing this on purpose.”
(Conversely, some women may linger in the living room until you’ve dozed off, with a similar goal of deflecting your come-ons.)
Pique her interest: You could try initiating sex earlier, since she may just be frustrated with your late-night attempts at moving in on her.
And that doesn’t just mean executing your normal moves at 6 p.m. instead of midnight: “When women are losing interest, men really need to have good seduction skills to lure them in,” says Engler.
Read: Bluntly asking, “Wanna have sex?” isn’t an acceptable entrée to intimacy. So talk to your partner about what sparks her libido—and let her know it’s okay if she currently has little motivation to make love.
That way, she knows you don’t expect her to be hot and horny instantly—and that you’re willing to work toward revving up her desire together.
An especially bad sign: She favors the move that she knows gets you off fastest.
“She wants it to be over,” says Engler.
As Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex expert at Cornell University, puts it, “If she’s like, ‘Let’s not switch things up—let’s just do this a
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