Sex I Dont

Sex I Dont
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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

Posted December 29, 2015

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Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Your man wants to have sex more often than you do, or you’ve lost interest altogether and he’s stopped trying to initiate.
You might worry that he'll launch an affair, see sex workers, or leave you. But maybe you can’t imagine that your mate would ever do anything that horrible. Sex isn’t so important to you, why should it be important to him?
I’m middle-aged, and I dated for a decade before I met my current partner. I can’t tell you how many times a divorced man confided that his ex assumed he’d put up with no sex indefinitely. The way he tells it, she always seems to be surprised when the marriage unravels. I say, “Wasn’t the lack of sex a clue?” He shrugs. Couples avoid hard conversations and pretend.
Maybe you're thinking that you're safe because he’s stayed with you so far. That may be true, but I heard the phrase “10 years” with a loud sigh more than once.
Typically, the guys can't believe they lasted that long and are thrilled to be out having sex.
Why aren't you in the mood more often? Maybe you’re not feeling sexy. Maybe your body has changed since you had kids, or you’ve gained weight or lost muscle tone. You may be making self-disparaging comments, hoping he’ll get the clue and romance you. I suggest you accept his cluelessness and be direct. Tell him you don’t feel sexy and ask him to act more like he did when you first met.
Maybe you’re focused on being a perfect mom and beating yourself up for every mistake. Ask yourself whether maintaining a good marriage is good for your kids. You may be overly focused on them and they will feel estrangement between their parents, even if it’s subtle.
Maybe you’re tired or overwhelmed. Again, direct, specific communication could be a godsend. Ask him to take the kids out for a day, run some errands for you, or clean. Ask for a massage, or dinner out. You may need more exercise or time to practice meditation . Your low libido can send you important messages.
There's a chance that you may be depressed . Open up to friends and family, try a self-help book, or see a professional. You owe it to yourself and your partner to stay healthy and happy enough to engage.
Maybe your libido has plummeted, even though you’re otherwise content and satisfied with your relationship. In one study, more than a quarter of pre- menopausal women and more than half of menopausal women reported low desire. You could experiment with diet and exercise to strengthen your vaginal muscles.
Maybe he’s blaming menopause and you think the problem is him. There’s no point in arguing. In real life, most situations have more than one cause and our intuition isn’t infallible. My personal solution is to try to do something on all fronts. In the end, you want intimacy , not certainty or the satisfaction of being right.
You can say, yes, menopause and…. and then address the relationship issues without the drama of assigning blame. Maybe you’ve grown apart. You want to be heard, known, appreciated—and you want to know more about his inner life. Tell him, and set aside time to really talk. Make sure he’s turned off all the electronics. If he’s still trying to initiate sex, next time say something like, “I need to feel closer to you,” so he sees the connection between talking and sex. Tell him you want tenderness. Don’t assume that what’s obvious to you is obvious to him—he may be feeling the same disconnection but for him, sex feels like the solution.
Maybe the sex was never that great or got routine. Again, be direct and initiate changes. Experiment and tell him what you like best. Go on vacation and try some new moves—then keep them up when you get home.
If he’s become unattractive to you, you may be angry or disappointed in him for other reasons. Maybe you’ve lost respect for him because he’s made poor decisions, neglected the finances, isn't taking care of his health, or can’t handle problems at his job or with the family. Face up to your judgments. Keeping him away physically when you’re angry and disappointed is a loud criticism. Are you unconsciously hoping that your judgment will make him change? Don’t count on it.
Your rejection will most likely make him retreat, lose confidence , or go elsewhere. If you can, forgive him, accept that he has weaknesses, choose to love him anyway—and seek what you most want in life and with your partner. This isn’t an either/or. You can embrace him and at the same time refuse to compromise on essentials.
You may need to drop some hopes. Then see what you can do to tackle key problems directly. Be specific and don’t attempt too much at one time. Your sex life could flower again if you feel like a team.
In the end, your relationship may not be one you want to keep forever. People seem to stay in sexless but otherwise reasonable marriages until the kids are older, say, or their finances improve. Based on my experience in the dating world, I urge women to work toward self-reliance. Men have told me too many stories of unrealistic money battles after a sexless era. I hear of wealthy women demanding that men who live on a shoe-string pay alimony for life. I hear of women so angry they refused to sell the house and allowed the bank to foreclose.
Clean up your finances; make sure your work and social life will sustain you. Don’t let yourself be stunned and outraged should your husband stray or leave. He will have his own time-table, however slow.
A version of this story appears on Your Care Everywhere.
Temma Ehrenfeld is a New York-based science writer, and former assistant editor at Newsweek .

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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC

Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

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IS there something wrong with me? I don't really like oral sex. Infact, I would choose just about anything over oral sex! My husband on the other hand, loves getting oral sex, and loves giving it too!

It is a constant battle in our relationship because I never initate oral sex...(coz I don't like it). Does anyone else have this problem?

I don't mind giving my husband oral sex, but because I don't like getting it, I feel cheated! I want my jollies too!!! After giving him oral sex, he is too tierd and it is too awkward to pull out my "mr pink" vibrator.

Any suggestions? Anything that might make oral sex better for me?

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her_purple_pixieness
Dec 29, 2006

I'm not sure what to say to the most recent post, but I'm with the original poster here: I HATE receiving oral sex. It just doesn't do anything for me! I would definitely try to turn playing with the vibrator into a fun thing, though. Just be honest: you don't like oral, let's try something a bit naughty. All men like playing with toys. :-) I must say though - for me, intercourse is definitely the main event. Anything else is just leading up to it!

Your feller not liking oral sex at all? Well fair enough. If you've tried it with him and he still doesn't like it, I don't think you can take it personally - it's just one of those things, isn't it? I mean, not everyone likes mushrooms or whatever, sex is the same, it's personal taste. It's not the be-all-and-end-all, there are plenty of other things to turn him on: scratching, toys, sucking his nipples, sensual massage... sex shops are full of them! Is it becoming a problem, in that oral sex for you is the only way you can come? In that case I think you need to have a talk about making sacrifices for the other person's sexual pleasure!

can anyone give me an advise. my husband doesnt like giving or receiving oral sex. explain how a man can b that way.

Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.
Nov 30, 2006

  Well, it sounds like there are some imbalances in your relationship that are hurting your sex life and I would get those fixed first. If your husband is too tired to pleasure you after you have pleasured him, I think you need to have him go first sometimes and make love to you before he is post orgasm or just feeling like he needs to sleep. I think you might be more in the mood to make him feel good if he has already made you feel good first--

  As for making oral sex more fun- I think being squeaky clean always helps- so perhaps the two of you could have a bath or shower together first. Then you might use a combination of your mouth and your hand so your mouth and neck don't get too tired. If it takes a long time for him to have an orgasm, pleasure him with your hand and only use your mouth from time to time so it doesnt feel like "work". you can also use flavored lubes or chocolate or something like that to enjoy the taste- In other words, experiment on making it fun, don't do the parts that really upset or tire you out- and make sure that you feel you are not always second in your love making!

Sure there's room for everyone's likes and dislikes around sex. One person likes oral best, another likes intercourse, another likes both, and someone else likes plastic raincoats. Whatever.

But she's clearly very sensitive about not coming during intercourse, which is why she responded the way she did. We all have stuff that pushes our buttons. The tone of her response, a post about abortion, whatever really freaks you out--it all clearly triggers your own intense responses. It's okay. There's room for us all :-)

okay, in retrospect it was probably a bad choice to direct my comment specifically to sparkeler.  i didn't mean for it to be personal, and she certainly has every right to express her preferences in this forum.
what i was trying to do was point out is a general bias of our society, which is that when people say "sex" they mean intercourse.  the effect can be very painful and depressing for those who don't get the same level of gratification from this activity, because what gets us off doesn't even seem to be considered sex at all.  have you ever heard people say that they've had oral sex but are still virgins?  it's as if nothing else counts.  it's been a particularly painful and prominent issue for me.  the conventional definition of sex doesn't have the same meaning to me, because as far as the role it's played in my life, it's been most useful for getting pregnant and making men come.  so it's hard for me to have a sunny attitude about it, in fact it's interfered with my ability to enjoy intercourse for what sensual pleasure it can give me.  i don't think i'm alone in this -- i've met other women whose attitudes range from disappointment to extreme bitterness.  but i didn't mean to try to silence people who don't especially like oral sex, and i'm sorry if my comment was inappropriately hostile.

huh...I don't like either!! I hate giving and I'd rather sex, his fingers,vibrator. I think like everything, some people just don't prefer it. Usually a happy medium can be found!

You said he doesn't mind using the vibrator right? So what about 69? He could pleasure you with the vibrator and you could do oral for him? There are a lot of possibilities here. I too do not like oral only once in a blue moon. But since my husband does what I like I also give in every once in a while.

Thanks MonkeyFlower. I am gonna go check out the websites you suggested. I really am open to suggestions so hopefully they can help me. Thanks for the advice!

i hope you realize that to a lot of women, oral sex IS "the main course" and intercourse is a side dish.  considering that most women don't come during intercourse, i find it insensitive of people to continuously refer to intercourse as the most important kind of sex.  i wish that women who do happen to orgasm from being penetrated would be considerate enough not to reinforce that message to those of us who can't.

I'd rather skip the appetizer and have the main course too if you know what I mean.  I don't really like recieving oral. Giving it can suck to.  I always gag.

heres one for you, make it a rule that YOU COME FIRST !!!  DA !
don't let him be selfish, take some control (you have the best hand in the game, use it) let him know your "happy ending" is by
far not as certain as his, so you should be the priority.  l.e.

You say that you hate oral because you think you deserve to come too, but everything you write suggests you really feel otherwise. Worrying about taking too long, claiming not to like receiving oral (even though you do orgasm from it), feeling awkward about using your vibe and claiming it's easier to just not come instead--despite the fact that your partner is apparently more than willing to do all of these things with you--makes me think that the real issue may be your own discomfort with your own sexuality. You're putting the restrictions on YOURSELF. I think you'd probably really benefit from reading some sex-positive material, from some open discussion with sex-positive folks, and from a few sessions with a sex therapist.

In the meantime, I would suggest checking out www.bettydodson.com and www.anniesprinkle.org--two healthy, open, sex-positive, really fun women and great role models. Check out www.sexuality.org for excellent sex-positive advice and info. Go to www.blowfish.com, www.babeland.com, and www.goodvibes.com for some honest, sex-positive information,  fun, and great toys :-)

I don't mean to make him look bad. He will use the vibrator. What I am saying is that it is awkward (for me) after pleasing him. I feel rushed in both situations before, or after giving it to him. He is more than willing to do things to me before or after, but I won't get off because I am too pre occupied with thinking I am taking too long etc. I wish I could just like oral sex!

well, you said he won't use the vibrator at all, so i don't know what to tell you.  he sounds very selfish, he should be working overtime to figure out how to please you (in any way).
vibrators can be alot of fun, he's missing out for sure.  l.e.

I have tried the "I get mine first" route. It just doesnt work. I am so focused on comming that I can't come! It doesnt work. Honestly, the easiest is just to give him the oral and go to bed wet! Is there any advice on how to make it better for me? He thinks I am weird by not liking it, but I honestly don't. It isn't his technique either. He does things that are awesome, and I even come from it. But I just honestly don't like it. I would rather be doing something else that we both like. But it is very important to him to receive oral sex.... and give it too! He loves to give it! I just want to help our relationship by maybe finding out if this is normal (to not like oral) or if there is something I should try to maybe make myself like it?

If the issue is that he's too tired to pleasure you after he comes, why not use your vibe together first and then give him oral? Or alternate the two?

Wow,you really know your stuff!Congrats,now I know who to ask when I have a ?!?! I love oral(to get it not to give)First me then him...lol..That way he'll be x-tra ready for intrcourse!!! Dont get me wrong I do vacum(oral sex)but only when vagina is out of order-or- when I'm x-tra frisky...nanis

John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAO Jun 08

John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAO 12/20

John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAO 04/18

Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.

STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.

Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.

Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.

STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.

Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.

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