Sex Guys Love

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As a psychotherapist who specializes in emotions, and as a woman with my own personal history of serial monogamy, I have come to realize that some men channel their need for love, intimacy, soothing, care, and comfort into sexual desire.
Dylan wants sex when he feels sad because he likes the comfort the physical holding provides. Dylan, like most people, wants to be held when he is sad. In fact, the need to be held when we feel sad is biologically programmed into our brains.
Jonathan wants sex when he’s lonely. He believes it is weak to let someone know that he feels lonely and wants company. Alternatively, he thinks it is acceptable to find and ask for sex, which satisfies his need for human connection.
Sexual excitement is a core emotion. And, as we know from research on emotions, each core emotion has a “program” that has evolved over thousands of years for survival purposes. This “program” causes specific physical sensations and impulses to arise inside us at the moment when a particular emotion is triggered.
Sexual excitement is often physically felt as sensations in the groin area with an impulse to seek orgasmic release. Sadness, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and fear are other emotions that can combine with sexual excitement. The mashup of the tender emotions with sexual excitement is the brilliant way the mind can make sure core human needs are met in consciously covert yet culturally acceptable ways.
Evidence-based guidance, up-to-date resources, and first-hand accounts to help you in your mental health journey.
Mental health is improved by being in touch with the full range of our core emotions. Therefore, it is in our best interest to know which core emotions are present and driving our desire for sex. Is it pure sexual excitement? Is it a need for comfort? Is it a need for connection?
Knowing the culture of masculinity we live in, it should not come as a surprise that some men feel they have to sublimate tender and “needy” feelings into sexual desire. In the documentary “The Mask We Live In,” filmmaker Jennifer Siebel Newsom follows boys and young men as they struggle to stay true to their authentic selves while negotiating America’s narrow definition of masculinity. If men and boys could own the full range of their emotions, not just anger and sexual excitement, we would see trends in depression and anxiety decrease. Here’s why:
When we block our core emotions (sadness, fear, anger) and needs for intimacy (love, companionship, sharing of feelings, closeness) men and women develop symptoms including anxiety, shame, and depression. Symptoms go away when we become reacquainted with our core emotions. This first step to wellness comes from understanding that it is normal for both men and women to experience sadness, fear, love, anger, and longing for connection both sexual and through talking about our thoughts and feelings with each other. Needs for affection and love are as “masculine” as needs for strength, power, and ambition. Emotions are not for the weak, they are for the human.
Although things are slowly changing, the two main emotions that are most acceptable for men to display are still sexual excitement and anger. The more tender emotions including fear, sadness, love, need, and longing are still considered “unmanly” to express. So it is not surprising that the tender emotions, which have to be expressed in some way, get bound to sexuality. In fact, channeling needs for comfort and soothing into sex is actually a clever compromise. After all, during sex men can unabashedly get held, stroked, kissed, hugged, and loved up all under the acceptable guise of a very manly act — that of sexual prowess. But we can do better by helping to change the culture of masculinity so it is in sync with our biology.
Couple embracing photo available from Shutterstock
Last medically reviewed on May 4, 2016
Medically reviewed by Alexander Klein, PsyD
Medically reviewed by Nathan Greene, PsyD
Medically reviewed by Nathan Greene, PsyD
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© 2005-2021 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Psych Central does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. See additional information.

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Men, whom many women have been taught would rather have sex than breathe oxygen, do have preferences when it comes to positions. And get this: Many even favor quality over quantity. Don't believe us? These men came forward to reveal their favorite sex moves — and most proved tamer than you might imagine.
"I like to take it slow, with a lot of oral from both sides. Heavy amounts of kissing, heavy petting. Both excessively sucking on random parts of the body, slow tongue movements across random body parts, etc. Generally, the licking progresses into sucking, but a few early sucks never hurt anyone." — Michael F., 25, San Diego, California
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"I really like it when we're on our sides, facing each other, because it's intimate but we can also be aggressive. We can look at each other while we're f*cking, but this position also lets us both have control over the speed and intensity and my thrusting. My girlfriend tells me there's something about sideways sex that targets her clit in the right way — it doesn't hurt that she comes a lot quicker this way." — James P., 35, Brooklyn, New York
"I don't have the biggest penis in the world, but the position that makes me feel like I'm breaking my girlfriend (in a good way) is when she's on her back and I throw her ankles over my shoulder and penetrate her. It makes penetration feel deeper for us both, especially if her butt is hanging a little bit off the bed." — John J., 29, Phoenix, Arizona
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"I like it when she straddles my penis as I'm sitting in a chair or on the couch. I can see and touch everything, including her breasts and clit. I know a lot of guys like reverse cowgirl and it's hot to see a girl's ass and everything, but I always feel like it bends my penis to the point where it might break." — Peter C., 31, Asheville, North Carolina
"Doggy, all the way. I'm an ass man so, for me, there's nothing better than watching her ass come straight at me. My current girlfriend isn't into anal sex, which is fine, but doggy makes me feel like we're having anal, but better: there's no chance I'll wind up with an strange 'surprise' on my penis when we're finished." — Brian S., 27, Richmond, Virginia
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"Cowgirl is better than reverse cowgirl and doggy because parts of her body bounce, I can touch and feel every part of her body, and I get to see her face and her reactions. You can't underestimate how hot that is." — Paul B., 37, New York, New York
"Anything in front of a mirror — literally — anything in front of a mirror is 100,000 times better than without a mirror. Watching my girlfriend give me a blow job on her knees in front of a mirror is the hottest thing I've ever seen, but so is looking over and watching her ride me. Mirrors give us a chance to go where our eyes can't and it's the closest analog to both acting in and watching a dirty movie." — Andrew A., 37, New York, New York
"69 can be amazing — but only if you're around the same height. My wife seems to feel less self conscious about getting oral when I'm down on her at the same time, so she really lets loose and reciprocates by deep throating and going harder sucking at my penis. All in all, it's a win." — Tom F., 41
"My girlfriend and I like it when she's submissive so the move that always gets me is her laying flat on her belly and me on top of her from behind. It feels more intimate than doggy because I can wrap my hands around her breasts or rub her clit at the same time. I also like being able to cover her body with mine and holding her hands down. It always feels like my penis is as deep inside of her as possible in this position." — Stefan, 31, Hawthorne, New Jersey
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"It doesn't matter what position we're in because all positions have pros and cons (mostly pros!), but when my girlfriend starts to tell me about this fantasy she has where she comes home and finds her best friend giving me a blowjob and then joins in, I have to stop myself from having an orgasm in seconds. She describes every detail and looks me in the eye while she's doing it — it just makes me want to thrust harder or do whatever I have to do to make her come. It took her a long time to add her friend into the fantasy (she used to leave out the person's identity), but I told her men are visual and instead of being intimidated by that, she went with it. And that makes her and the sex even hotter." — Justin R., 29, Raleigh, North Carolina
"This is going to make me sound lame, but sometimes there's nothing better than good, old-fashioned missionary sex. I get to be in complete control over the tempo and rhythm, I can slide my hands under my wife's ass and it feels like I have her entire body in my hands. I think a lot of women underestimate how much some guys like to kiss them and rub up against their breasts and bodies when we're having sex — and missionary is intimate enough to allow that." —Thomas K., 33, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
"My girlfriend is uninhibited in the bedroom and one of the things she does that makes me crazy is, instead of asking for oral sex or dropping hints, she'll come up to me when I'm sitting on the couch, lift up her nightgown, and sit on my face and force me to start licking her. I mean, she isn't really 'forcing' me because I love it, but you get the point." — Jeff J., 37, Hudson Valley, NY
"One night, my wife discovered that if she got on top and rode me on our den couch, we could both see her ass bouncing on me through the TV screen reflection behind her. It was crazy, crazy hot. It's like watching your own porno. It was even better that she suggested it and wanted to turn around and watch." — Greg P., 38, Los Angeles
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"Teeth and biting aside, there's no such thing as a bad blow job. But an insanely great blow job involves a woman looking at me while she's doing it and trying to talk to me while she's doing it." — Shane C., 29, Queens, New York
"I really like it when girls put in the extra effort to play with my balls — gently of course — while they're going down on me or even when we're having sex. It's a very sensitive area and when done right it can really get me going." — Max H., 28, New Jersey
"For me, the best position is when my girlfriend lays on her stomach on the bed with her legs together and I enter her from behind. She feels really, really tight and I think it hits a good spot for her. It's also nice that I can reach around and touch her clit and breasts." — Denis L., 31, Toronto, Canada
"I mentioned to a girl that I had been hooking up with that when she wore strappy heels it drove me crazy. She immediately picked up on the fact that it was something I was into. The next time we were in bed, missionary position, nothing crazy, she wrapped her legs around me in such a way that the arches of her soles were pressed against my hips/butt, almost pulling me toward her, and when she was close to orgasm I could feel her toes clenching … my body temp just rose 5 degrees thinking about it." — Kenneth M., 36, Hoboken, New Jersey
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"Most guys have 'things' that they are into, but almost all of us have an overwhelming desire to please — if we know you're into it, we're into it. I was talking to a woman once and casually/sarcastically mentioned that people looking at their phone during conversation made me want to choke them; her response was to immediately take out her phone, and whisper, 'Promises, promises.'" — Greg O., 34, Chicago, Illinois
"When her hands are cuffed or tied in front, I like to push her hands over her head with one arm while I grab the small of her back and thrust. It maximizes our skin contact, gives me great leverage, and we can both moan into each other's ears." — Dan M., 32, Kansas City, Missouri
"Occasional morning sex in the shower is such a great start to the day — sometimes my wife will surprise me with a reach-around, or we'll make time for the full deal. It definitely puts me in a better mood on days when I know I'll have long, annoying meetings, and it certainly makes Mondays less awful!" — Benjamin B., 34, St. Louis, Missouri
"I used to date a girl who would pull my head close to her and whisper in my ear when she was about to have an orgasm, then she'd bite or suck on my earlobe while it was happening. It was really, really hot." — Daniel E., 39, Austin, TX
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Sex Guys Love