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/r/Confession is a place to admit your wrongdoings, acknowledge your guilt, and alleviate your conscience.
im 16 and ive tried heroin, and i really regretted it..
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I'm a widowed single father aged 37 with a 7 year old daughter. My wife and her mother were killed in a car accident nearly 3 years ago, which was obviously devastating for both my little girl and me. I honestly believe that had it not been for my daughter, I would not still be here.
I had great support from family and friends in the first few months, in particular from my sister and my late wife's sister who both looked after my very young girl who was missing her Mummy and Grandma terribly. Things move on though, people have their own families, and in time it was down to me to look after her on my own apart from day care and then school.
It would not be too dramatic to say that we have always had a special relationship because of what we went through following the accident, and my little girl only wanted to be with me and became very "clingy" for want of another word. When I went into the garden she would follow, if I went into the bathroom she would follow, she even wanted to stay as I sat on the toilet - which I had to explain was not really the done thing! If I wasn't there for her 24-7 she would cry uncontrollably and then almost shut down emotionally till I returned - it really was quite distressing for me and I should have sought a bit of help back then, but I just pandered to her and hardly went anywhere without her; the odd trip to the supermarket while her auntie was here - I never went out with friends or women.
I HAD to bath her in those days, for safety and to help her clean herself - for any non-parents reading this, 3 year old kids are NOT very aware of their own personal hygeine needs! Something I remember my late wife saying when she bathed her was "Let's clean your front bum and your back bum" which she told me was what her own Mother used to say to her when she was little, so I said it; A; So she knew we had to get those parts clean, and B; To remind her a little of her Mum, and how she used to bath her.
Now clearly that had to be done at that time, due to her age, but as she got older, 4, 5 and 6 years old, she still wanted me to bath her, and specially to clean her private parts. Now she is just 7 (her birthday was in September) and still she wants me to bath her, and will now specifically ask "Now do my back bum", and "Now do my front bum". She really loves me to do it, and will say "Just a bit more, a bit more, OK!"
I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable now, and I've told her that she should do it herself now, but she won't have it, and gets very withdrawn and sad when I have insisted that she does it. I don't want her upset, so I renaged and started to do it for her again. I do feel that, for her, it's a kind of connection to the past when her Mummy used to do it, which she must remember, and she thinks that Dad has to do it now, because Mum's gone. I'm not offended by it, and in all honesty, I would leave it till she didn't ask any more, but I'm a bit worried that, if she should innocently say something about it to a friend, or worse still, a teacher or one of her aunties, I could be burned at the stake for something which I started because I had to, and which I have tried to stop, but I can't for fear of her going into another withdrawal episode. It's as if I've said I don't love her any more - that's the kind of reaction I get1
I'm starting to want a woman's company too - just someone to take out and talk to - and yes, I do miss sex terribly, but I can't imagine what my daughter would say and do, and even if she was OK about it, which I doubt, what if she wanted me to bath her and "do her bums - back and front" while any new partner was down? Or even if she just mentioned it?
There's another thing which has only recently started to happen. She came into the bathroom when I was in the bath. I usually bathe with the same bathwater as she's had, but with a bit more added. She got in and tried to touch my privates, to "do yours" as she put it, but I told her I had to do it. Again she reacted as if I'd said I was leaving home or something. She came in again 2 nights later, and tried again, and I told her No again, and then last night, when I allowed her wash it with soap and that was all there was to it. She just dried herself again and smiled at me and went into her bedroom. Before I read her her bedtime story I told her that "grown ups always clean themselves down there" but she just said "I like doing it for you", and again looked really hurt that I didn't seem to want her to do it.
How the heck am I going to sort this out? If I let it continue, it's "ICKY" to quote from the Friends episode, and if I try to stop it, she goes into hibernate mode and won't talk to me.
From a female perspective, I agree with others that you need to stop the current bathtime routine but my thought is that you need to slowly phase out the process rather than stopping one day.
Its clear that she sees this as bonding time and it holds memories for her so personally, I'd start saying that you'll do it to show her how to do it properly now that now shes a big girl and how her 'lady bits' and body are becomming her responsibility. Maybe every other day she cleans herself so that she learns how to do it and put lots of emphasis on how grown up shes getting, slowly she should start to get used to washing herself, maybe you could still be around at first while she is (such as tidying in the bathroom) so she doesnt feel shes being left alone.
My thoughts. What a helpful and sensible answer! Saw username. Oh.
Slowly phasing it out is essentially what he's BEEN doing though and it's not working.
Sound, thoughtful, empathetic, age appropriate advice...from Cock_Muncher.
You need to talk to your child and explain it in a way that's positive. She's growing up and becoming a big girl! Big girls wash their own privates and get to relax in the tub without Dad watching over them, and Dad gets his private time, too.
Also, jesus man.. therapy. Sounds like you two could really use someone else to talk to, together and privately. No shame in it. A good therapist who specializes in children could give you much better advice than the people in this thread, including me. I'm not even a parent.
Yeah, I helped several young girls who were left with single fathers after they came to my country for medical care after a natural disaster. It is a hard issue to deal with for sure. I helped them with female things and hygeine a lot (I am a female).
Therapy is certainly needed but for the bathing issue, something very simple like buying her some new "big girl" bathing supplies- like nice lotion and body wash... maybe telling her that those are the kind of things mommy used to use. Tell her that when girls turn 7 they bathe themselves with this new stuff. Leave it at that and stick to it.
Just because she has been through trauma does not mean she gets a "get out of discipline free" card. He has to remember that and enforce it consistently now or he will have a hell of a time when she is older and realizes how she can manipulate him.
Yeah. and any stigma that you might have in your head about therapy? GET RID OF IT NOW.
Tiny anecdote here: I'm about to become a doctor, and even I needed therapy after a traumatic incident early on in my life.
Needing therapy doesn't say JACK SHIT about you. We all need a little help from time to time. It'll be great for you and your daughter. Please get yourselves the help you need.
And I am so very sorry for your loss.
Please do not listen to the "You are a parent so exercise your parental authority, end of story" comments. Thats what you tell a kid who wont stop whining for more candy. That is not what you tell a child who has been through a traumatic situation. Get professional help from someone who knows how to deal with traumatized children.
This is great advice! With the Internet its easy to start to think we can find all the answers ourselves sometimes, but this is a complicated situation, and a professional counselor would help immensely, and take some of the pressure off of OP.
Perhaps its time to talk to her about the concept of private areas. Also you do need to stand your ground here as you are the adult. I understand you dont want to hurt her but in the long term you are causing hurt by allowing this dysfunctional behaviour to continue. Good luck.
Throw her an "I'm a big girl now" party, where you celebrate all the big-girl things she can do for herself now. Tell her that because she's a big girl, she will now be allowed to wash herself, she'll get a bigger allowance, she'll get to pick her own clothes, she'll get a cell phone, etc. and make a big deal about it! Get her a cake and a couple presents, and get her other family members involved. Just explain to them that your daughter has continued to be very clingy in unusual ways, and so you want her to see growing up as a positive thing. You want her to make a mental break between how she acted as a young child and how she will act going forward. Then, if she continues to ask you to do certain things, you can just remind her that she is officially a big girl now, so she gets to do them on her own now. Good luck!
You're getting a lot of shit for this from people who obviously have no idea what you're going through. I can't even begin to fathom how hard this situation has been for you guys. Get some help from someone who actually knows what they're talking about rather than Reddit.
Good luck, I hope you and your daughter get the help you need.
No one (i hope) would give this guy shit. Just ge happens to need a dig out.
You sound like your heart is in the right place and you are stuck in a complicated and confusing situation. I agree with other posters that you need to establish boundaries and enforce them in a kind yet firm manner. Give her a simple explanation to let her know that she hasn't done anything wrong, it's just that daddy is a boy and she is a girl, and boys and girls take care of their own private areas when they become more grown-up like she is. However, you should not withdraw physical contact, you just need to make sure it is appropriate. You can increase other forms of physical nurturing, such as brushing each other's hair or painting her nails and maybe let in her file or buff your nails. I do hope you make it a priority to find some time to date. In the long run it will be great for her to have another adult around who loves her and makes her father happy.
OP, the part about reinforcing OTHER physical activities together is gold. Brush her teeth for her or something - something that can't be construed as sexual.
In the long run it will be great for her to have another adult around who loves her and makes her father happy.
Just from personal experiences, it really sucks to have a girlfriend around; especially when things go south.
It can also very very quickly lead to feeling like "daddy doesn't care about me any more", especially in these coming years.
This is the best response imo, and I really like the idea of replacing the bathing with another bonding activity.
Although, I am not a widower I am a single father with two young girls. My wife disappeared without warning and has had no contact with us for several years. I was in a similar situation as you, though I NEVER let them wash my privates. Before the oldest started elementary school I slowly let her bathe alone and would check I on her every few minutes. After a month she was fine bathing on her own without any help. The therapist told me that slowly transitioning would be better just suddenly ending It, namely because they had already lost their mother and it would be traumatic because it was a type of security to them.
I have wanted to date again, but right now I feel it is not the time. I need to focus my energy on my daughters. Though, oldest has started to tell me which women she thinks would make a nice mommy for "us". In time, I will date again but not now.
7 is a border line age. She is young enough to still want to be bathed, but is too old to bathe with you. You should explain to her that while there is nothing wrong with private parts, that she is old enough for you too to bathe separately. This might be where you get backup from a female relative or pediatrician (who, if nothing else, can probably point you to an age appropriate sex/body book) to help you explain why.
My daughter is 10 and it is only in the last year or two she got self conscious. Though I never bathed with her, I was at least doing her hair on nights my wife was out until she could do it herself (curly hair) which was probably close to 8. Even then, she did not like being in the bathroom herself for at least another year.
EDIT: My wife started treatment for breast-cancer when our daughter was 7. As part of dealing with it, our daughter regressed a bit, such as being afraid of being by herself, sleeping with lights on again etc., so my answer may not apply to all situations. Therapy helped her.
My son is 7 and I can't fathom letting him wash my privates. It's totally inappropriate.
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