Sex Fetishes
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Sex Fetishes
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We give you permission to play with her feet—without feeling like a freak
The mere mention of the word “fantasy” arouses thoughts of threesomes, buxom blondes, and role-playing.
But “fetish”? That just freaks people out.
The reality: A fetish is just a specific type of fantasy—and one that more people have than you probably realize.
“If you think of a fetish that’s a 10-out-of-10 level of intensity—someone in chains on an iron cross in their basement—it might seem really strange and uncommon,” says Scott Jacobey, Ph.D., a sex therapist who specializes in alternative sexual behaviors.
“But if you take the same fetish down to a level 2—a partner saying, ‘Why don’t you tie my wrists to the bedpost?’—it seems really realistic and ordinary.”
Translation: Having a fetish doesn’t necessarily mean wanting to wear adult diapers or a furry costume.
You just have to find a normally non-sexual object or action arousing—an association you probably formed in childhood, says Samantha Leigh Allen, who studies sexual fetishism at Emory University.
And in these cases, “most people with fetishes are able to integrate it into their life,” Jacobey says.
So which “strange” sexual proclivities are most common—and how can you encourage your partner to embrace yours?
One in five women are more excited by a new pair of shoes than their sexual partners, according to a new survey by Shoebuy.com. But stilettos as a source of sexual arousal? That’s a mostly male domain.
“There’s so much eroticized imagery around high heels,” says Allen. “They’ve become a symbol of feminine power and aggressiveness—of men’s craving for female dominance.”
In some cases, though, a shoe fetish may actually indicate a desire to avoid real sexual interaction. “It’s a way of indirectly fantasizing about a woman,” says Jacobey.
Make it happen: If it’s the whole female-power thing that excites you, ask your girlfriend if you can pick the heels she wears out on date night, then choose the shoes that turn you on the most, suggests Sitron.
And if you hook up afterward, ask her to leave the stilettos on.
If it’s the kicks themselves that arouse you—and you have an open-minded partner—do a little show-and-tell with your footwear of choice.
“Walk your partner through the parts of the shoe that are exciting,” says Justin Sitron, Ph.D, a professor of human sexuality at Widener University. “That might be safer and easier than, say, masturbating with the shoe.”
In a recent study of fetishes published in the International Journal of Impotence Research , feet and toes were the body parts most likely to be lusted after.
How come? “Focusing on the foot is kind of an act of humility—like, I’m only good enough to touch your feet ,” says Jacobey.
Or the explanation could be simpler. “As a child or young person, that could have been the only part of the person’s body someone had access to,” says Sitron, “The foot became eroticized.”
Make it happen: The good news: This fetish may not be as freaky to a woman as some others, since the object of desire is still a part of her.
“A foot is always attached to a woman’s body, while a shoe isn’t necessarily,” says Allen.
The easiest way to incorporate your fetish into foreplay: Offer to give your partner a pedicure or foot massage—a proposal that’s culturally considered normal, and therefore, non-threatening, says Sitron.
While you give her a rubdown, you can verbally admire her feet if that’s part of your fantasy.
Most men can appreciate a toned backside—think Instagram star Jen Selter —but some have very specific preferences: extra-wide rear ends, say, or super-compact booties. (Sir Mix-a-Lot was right.)
There’s even a name for this: pygophilia.
Whereas other fetishes are usually triggered by a childhood event—a learned behavior—this one may be more innate. “The human species is naturally attracted to butts,” says Jacobey. “It’s a pretty common object of fantasy for both men and women.”
Make it happen: Since most people can understand an affinity for a nice ass, “this fetish is probably most easily integrated into a regular everyday relationship,” says Sitron.
Simply suggest positions, like doggy style or reverse cowgirl, that allow easy access to her butt—then if she’s cool with it, give that booty a slap.
Does the idea of being tied up turn you on? Let us guess: You’re a dominating guy outside the bedroom.
“In sexual fantasies, people seek something they don’t have in reality,” says Jacobey. “If people feel powerful and have an authoritarian position in their job or family, they often seek something very different.”
Bondage may not seem like a true fetish, but that’s probably just because it’s become more mainstream. “It’s pretty accessible,” says Jacobey.
Still, some psychologists argue that act of bondage is simply a convenient forum for often-eroticized objects, like leather. “Culturally, leather has a lot of power,” says Sitron. “It’s a symbol of the bad-boy, motorcycle jacket archetype.”
Make it happen: Don’t break out the hardcore gear in the beginning. Sitron suggests starting with everyday objects, like a necktie or the tie of your robe—“things that are relatively non-threatening.”
Or, if material matters, look for leather restraints that have Velco closures. That way, “it’s easier to put on and take off,” says Sitron. “The last thing you want is someone panicking and not being able to get out.”
In a recent study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior , more than 10 percent of guys reported at least one instance of voyeuristic behavior.
“Most guys like to watch people having sex,” says Jacobey. “I think it’s one the reasons why pornography is more popular among men.”
Where does the urge to spy on other people doing the deed originate? As kids, most of us were taught that sex is forbidden—a private act that’s only for adults.
“Taboo and hidden things build curiosity—like, What’s going on behind these closed doors? ” says Jacobey.
Make it happen: In its most extreme form—say, being a Peeping Tom—voyeurism is obviously illegal. It’s also likely to freak out—or at the very least, intimidate—your partner.
But if you’re still dying to share, try suggesting you individually brainstorm ways you could comfortably act it out, says Jacobey. Then compare notes.
You may find that she’s cool with watching people hooking up in a hotel like The Standard in NYC (known for guests having sex in front of its big windows), or perhaps watching porn together is her limit. You won’t know until you ask.
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1.
Bondage (being tied up with rope, bound with handcuffs, etc.).
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Spanking (with a hand, paddle, crop, etc.).
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Lingerie (whether you wore it, your partner wore it, or both!)
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Roleplay (pretending you and your partner are other people, often with a certain power dynamic like teacher/student).
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"Water sports" (peeing on someone or getting peed on).
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Scat play (anything involving poop).
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Sex toys (vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, etc.).
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Edging (bringing someone close to orgasm but delaying the actual climax for a sustained period of time — usually under the other partner's control).
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13.
Watching porn with a partner.
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Fisting (sexual penetration using a fist).
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Voyeurism (consensually watching others have sex, get undressed, etc.).
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Exhibitionism (basically the opposite of voyeurism — having others watch you have sex or undress).
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17.
Dominant/submissive play (one partner assumes the "dominant" role, exerting physical and/or psychological power over a "submissive" partner).
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Yup, there are more flavors to sex than just vanilla.
Whether you realize it or not, kinks and fetishes play a pretty big role in mainstream sexuality. If Fifty Shades 's “ red room ” didn’t cue you in, songs like Rihanna’s “S&M” and Netflix’s show Sex/Love are examples enough.
But before we dive into the specifics of what these look like, let's break down what it means to have a kink or fetish.
According to Merriam Webster , a kink is "unconventional sexual taste or behavior." In other words, this is anything that goes above and beyond strictly vanilla sex. It's used to indicate something that gives you pleasure and isn’t a run-of-the-mill interaction sort of thing, says sex therapist Liz Powell , PhD.
This could mean the thought of using handcuffs, trying a butt plug, and/or feeling a leather flogger on your booty turns you on.
Keep in mind that a kink is different than a fetish though. A fetish is “an extreme amount of interest in a person, a thing, or a non-sexual body part,” says sexuality professional and mental health clinician Shanae Adams . (Basically, a kink is something that turns you on whereas a fetish is something you need in order to get turned on.)
If someone has a foot fetish for example, it means that they would need to receive or give some sort of foot stimulation in order to experience an orgasm.
Now regardless of whether you have a kink, a fetish, a few sexual interests, or just prefer vanilla sex, the key element is the same: consent. As long as everything’s consensual , there’s really no right or wrong way to have sex. Especially since sexual interests vary from person to person and there are tons out there to learn about and explore.
So for your pleasure, here's a list of the most common kinks, fetishes, and sexual terms to get well-acquainted with.
Role-playing is one of the most common kinks and involves playing characters outside of your day-to-day lives , usually as part of a sex scene. This can range from tossing on a tie and pretending to be the boss of your partner, channeling your favorite TV character , or even creating a whole, character-filled scenario.
Whether it's a kink or a fetish, objectification means "arousal by being dehumanized," explains Rogue. For example, someone who wants to be used as a sex doll or as a sex object would have an objectification kink (or fetish, if that's the only way they can get off). It's important to note this is different than an objectum kink or fetish. People with objectum fantasies have sexual relationships (or attraction to) inanimate objects.
As the name suggests, a pregnancy fetish is having an intense sexual attraction to some or all aspects of pregnancy. For some people, it might be the round belly, whereas for other, it could be the lactation—whether it’s the actual act of breastfeeding or the milk itself—explains Adams.
In a sexual context, “ exhibitionism is a sexual kink in which the person feels sexual arousal at the idea or reality of being seen naked or engaged in sexual activities by others,” clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon previously told Cosmopolitan . If you’re into the thought of someone watching you masturbate or change or get it on, this one's for you.
“ Voyeurism is getting sexual excitement from watching others when they are naked or engaging in sex acts,” says Jill McDevitt, PhD, CalExotics sexologist. And while the pleasure is most commonly derived from watching others, the fetish could also include hearing others engage in sexual acts or even being told about other people’s sexual experiences.
According to Dr. Powell, foot fetishes are "shockingly common," and usually seen in people with penises . People with foot fetishes may be submissives, meaning they have a desire to "worship" at someone's feet through kissing and massage or by even giving a pedicure, Dr. Powell explains. Other people enjoy an aspect of humiliation and want to be stomped on or have smelly feet on their faces.
Going hand-in-hand with foot fetishes , a nylon fetish is—you guessed it—someone who needs nylons to feel arousal. This could mean you like the look and feel of them or like touching someone's legs in nylon stockings (or like to wear them yourself). Like with most fetishes, this could also be a kink if it's something you don't need , but kinda like. Either way, get yourself some stockings and get to playing.
Okay, so breath play refers to the BDSM practice of having your breathing restricted during sexual activity—but it's not exactly safe (for obvious reasons). A healthier, better alternative: Holding your own breath. Not only do you get to experience breath play, but you're completely in control of when you choose or not to breathe. The excitement of the action, plus the excitement of the power exchange, is a great alternative, suggests Good Vibrations sexologist Carol Queen, PhD.
" BDSM is a catch-all acronym for several different aspects of the kink community," Dr. Powell explains. "The B and D are for bondage and discipline, the D and S are for domination and submission, and the S and M are for sadism and masochism." All BDSM involves a consensual power exchange , which means a submissive partner consents to letting the dominant power take control through various scenes.
A "scene" is a term for the time period in which the kinky play goes down . While you might refer to a night of sex as simply a hook-up, those within the kink community often referred to planned time with partners, in which they engage in their shared kinks, as "scenes."
A dominant is someone who enjoys dominating their partner through various kinky activities. These can be physical—like choking—or mental—like calling someone names . The submissive partner enjoys being dominated, and being the one who is consensually tied up, slapped, or humiliated.
"Usually when we hear people use terms like ‘dominant’ or ‘submissive' to describe themselves, these are more identity-based than action-based," Cameron Glover , sex educator and Sex Ed in Color podcast host, explains. "But these don't have to be set in stone—there are people that use these terms interchangeably."
A switch is someone, who as Glover mentions above, "switches" between dominant and submissive roles.
A sadist is someone who (conse
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