Sex And Little Worries

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In a week exactly (at time of writing) we have our twenty-week scan and should be able to find out what the sex of the baby is. I say should because during every scan my sister had with her second child Poppy, she turned over and they didn’t find out until she was born. I half suspect Snappy will do similar, it was already awkward at the first scan and I foresee similar at the next scan (and all the scans to be honest).
Anyway. Here is where the problem lies.
Just cause the baby is designated a certain gender, it doesn’t mean it is that gender. I’m always trying to find the right words to use, so you’ll have to bear with me.
Sex and gender are not the same things so whatever sex it is may not be its gender. Not everyone else thinks the same way I do, not everyone can see them as two different things. Two separate things that are not necessarily permanent.
I am genderfluid, so on any given day, I am not the gender I was assigned with at birth. On any given day, my sex and my gender are not the same things.
I dislike gender stereotypes. Well, all stereotypes, and hope to raise my child, whatever it’s gender preference as someone who feels they can be whoever they are from the very beginning. Whether they’re cis, trans or queer. This is important to me as both a genderfluid person and a trans ally. I want to live in a world where my child is safe and free to be whoever it is and that starts with me.
And part of me doesn’t know how to go about it.
I’ve been struggling with this whole ‘gender reveal’ malarky. I get asked all the time by people if we know if it’s a boy or a girl, if we’re going to find out, which do we want.
Snappy doesn’t know it’s gender yet, so how am I supposed to know, and those words are gendered words. Or perhaps my brain is making them gender words over sex words.
I solicited some opinions from the members of a geeky LGBTQ+ group I’m a member of on Facebook, and they were really helpful. They reminded me of the difference between the sex and gender, that it is not a gender reveal but a sex reveal. That we will be finding out the babies designated sex, and one day, we will find out its gender, whether it matches its sex or not.
I really want to do a whole ‘reveal’ thing with chickens, I guess it also makes me feel a little uncomfortable at the same time.
The pronouns, however, may or may not be another issue. I am happy with all and any pronouns, but I know how important they are to others. They may be very important to Snappy or they may not even care like their mum. Should I call the baby them and their until they’ve decided? Should I just go with the assigned pronouns until it makes a decision of its own.
I’m aware that this is a more rambling post than usual. I could just tell everyone it’s a crocodile. I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter, whether you be cisgender, trans, agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, nonconforming and so on. Let me know in the comments or via the contact form if that makes you more comfortable.
Wow! This is brilliant. I love how much insight and transparency is in the piece. Thank you so much for sharing!
This is a really interesting post, and something that, as a cis-gendered person, I had never considered. It did used to annoy me when people would ask “what are you having?” when I was pregnant, and I would just say “hopefully a baby,” since it doesn’t matter one way or the other. As a society we are used to having fixed ideas about gender, and I guess that’s why people get so excited at the scan. For me, I chose to find out the sex of the baby, and that was partly because I was interested, and partly because I wanted to be able to narrow down the choice of names-but then why we have gender-specific names raises a question in itself.
Well our list of names is three columns – gender specific ones and gender neutral ones.
I feel for the confusion you are experiencing. A lot of parenting comes with that confusion. For my own sanity I have come to realize not to try to plan things to the end, but day to day. There are too many forks in the road and I drive myself crazy! Pinned and shared. Thanks for linking up at #overthemoon! I hope you will join me at #thursdayfavoritethings.
Thanks. I definitely suspect more confusion in the future!
Now you’ve made me think..! Really great piece.
I know sometimes I make reference to my son’s future significant other as girlfriend/wife and then correct myself by saying “or boyfriend or whoever”. The correction seems silly in some regards because I am just using the term girlfriend as a default placeholder. I don’t care who he falls in love with as long as they treat him well. In some ways, that’s what it feels his sex is, a placeholder for his gender. That doesn’t mean I put him into a male box and shape him male until proven otherwise. I hope that his upbringing will allow him to be who he truly is in a myriad of ways.
Wondering people’s thoughts on that? Is it offensive to have defaults? Is that like assuming X and Y are the norms and anything else is a deviation from that? I suppose I don’t think of having to change placeholders as being a bad thing but I can understand that it would make some people uncomfortable.
I don’t think it’s offensive to have the defaults, the offence comes when the specific is ignored if that makes sense. I think that it’s important to start changing the default though.
Howdy! I would say you’re over-thinking it, but for you maybe you’re thinking about it as much as you need to because it’s important to you. As far as pronouns, I would go with whatever sex the croc is, and as with every other aspect of their life/personality, let them lead the way as the years go by and they gain the language and self-awareness to define themselves.
Sure, you don’t have to go with the old “It’s a bouncing baby boy!” thing with blue balloons (or princess/pink etc.) if you don’t want. Make it your own. It’s a female! It’s a baby! It has XY chromosomes! It has a willy! It’s a reptile with no teeth yet!
I hope everything goes well at the scan,
Lisa x
People can’t help themselves, I am 36 weeks pregnant and I still often get asked if we know. Yes we do its a boy, we already have one boy so the natural question that comes next is – would you like a girl are you going to have another? Err no. Lets focus on getting this little one out and healthy and at 36 we will not be having anymore!! Drives me bonkers. Although I did do a sex reveal for the blog. Thank you for joining us at #BloggerClubUK hope to see you again this week
We did a sex reveal, my wife wanted too, and she had it all planned out. I get asked what we wanted and I always answer a crocodile.
If it’s important to you think about it, I would never say you are overthinking something as we don’t know what is in your mind and best for you or how you want it to be. Take one day at a time I say. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
Thank you, I do worry that I’m over thinking it and worrying too much.
Wow this is so interesting!! What an honest post Bread! I have never thought of this difference between sex and gender until now from a pregnancy perspective. Yes you are right I guess you are now looking forward to find out the sex of the baby and later on when baby is not a baby any more (lol) you will know the gender. I think you should enjoy every single day of what you know now. Focus about having a healthy baby which is the most important part I think. The sex, gender is not the most important and it shouldn’t matter as long as the baby is happy and all of you are happy. I remembered during my second pregnancy finding out that my baby was going to have some healthy issues and to be honest I was praying every day for the baby to be healthy and didn’t matter to me anymore if the baby was female or male anymore. I just wanted to hold my baby and let her know (well now I know is a she) that everything will be fine. Luckily she was born fine with no problems but I was worried the whole pregnancy!! The only thing I can say is just enjoy this moment because is amazing to know that there is a gorgeous human been growing every day and pretty soon you will be able to meet he/she! How exciting is that? Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. It is always lovely to have you!! xx
You’re spot on. I hadn’t actually thought of that – I mean, as long as it’s healthy and here it doesn’t matter. So many people don’t even get that, I am grateful that so far everything is looking up
A very interesting post! And not something I have ever really thought about before, you’ve definitely got me thinking. Thank you so much for linking up to #KCACOLS Hope you come back again next Sunday xx
Thanks. Nice to know I got the old brain cells moving.
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Ren (they/them)
that non binary parent that annoyed you that one time.
messy honest parenting
normalising mental health
protect trans kids
two parents, two kids, too many cats



05/15/2013 11:16 am ET



Updated
May 15, 2013




Women’s 10 Biggest Worries About Sex — And How To Ease The Anxiety



Young pretty girl lying in bed. Sad thinking


A weekly exploration of women and power.
Part of HuffPost Women. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
We stress over our jobs, our relationships, our finances and our friendships — and unfortunately, even our bedrooms can become a breeding ground for anxiety. Sex may be touted as one of the most effective (and pleasurable) forms of stress relief , but it can also be a major source of insecurity for women. Performance anxiety isn’t limited to men, and if your sex life isn’t as mind-blowing as it could be, it’s possible that your own worries are getting in the way.
Body image issues, orgasm obstacles and STD woes are just a few of the concerns that can keep women from letting go and enjoying their time between the sheets. If you suspect that your anxiety about sex might be preventing you from optimizing your pleasure, it might be worth taking a look at some of your own sexual insecurities. Scroll through the list below for 10 common worries about sex — and why they’re not worth the stress.
1. I can’t orgasm from intercourse.
The inability to climax is arguably the most universal female sexual problem: Recent studies have suggested that roughly 75 percent of women can’t orgasm through penetrative sex, and 10 to 15 percent can’t orgasm under any circumstances. And in fact, until recently, the sheer existence of the vaginal orgasm was questioned .
If you’re one of the 25 percent of women who consistently orgasm during intercourse, congratulations! But if orgasms elude you, bear in mind that the inability to climax makes you normal , not abnormal, and it doesn’t mean that you can’t still enjoy a fulfilling sex life. Experiment with other ways of achieving orgasm, and make sure you have a partner who’s willing to try a whole range of techniques to give you pleasure.
Body image isn’t solely a self-esteem issue: It can also significantly impact your sex life. According to psychologist Dr. Jennifer Hartstein, 61 percent of women are thinking about what their bodies look like during sex, and a 2011 Fitness Magazine study found that 51 percent of women would give up sex for a year to be skinny.
Needless to say, feeling unattractive (and trying to avoid positions that you fear may be unflattering) tends to kill the mood. So instead of forcing yourself to have sex when you’re not feeling up for it, try to do something that does make you feel sexy, whether that’s a night out with friends, taking a yoga class or treating yourself to a deep-tissue massage. Giving yourself pleasure can also be a great way to boost your body confidence .
A good partner will be willing to wait until you’re in the mood, so don’t push yourself if you’d rather curl up with a movie than hop into bed. When you are ready to have sex again, focus on the sensations — and remind yourself that you, like anyone else, deserve pleasure. And consider this: While you’re worrying about all the things you think are wrong with your body, your partner is probably appreciating everything he or she loves about it.
Like negative body image, worry that your ladyparts are unattractive can seriously undermine your sexual confidence, and it’s led many women to undergo surgical procedures to attain a more “desirable” vagina. The porn industry in particular has been instrumental in changing cultural conceptions of what a vagina “should” look like in order for it to be sexually appealing. (Heaven forbid any part of the female body escape evaluation by today’s often unrealistice beauty standards.)
This anxiety about vaginal appearance was the inspiration behind the recent Large Labia Project , a Tumblr that encourages women to celebrate the beauty of their vulvas by submitting “vagina selfies.” Collectively, the photos deliver a message we all need to hear: Whether you’re shaven or unshaven, have large labia or small, there’s nothing wrong with your vagina. Try to appreciate it as much as your partner(s) already do(es).
Let’s face it: Mediocre sex is no fun for anyone involved. But before you start berating yourself for your lack of sexual prowess, bear in mind that good sex has more to do with how committed two people are to giving each other pleasure than how advanced their moves are.
There are a lot of factors that go into creating a less-than-steamy sex session, so if you’re feeling unsatisfied, consider the other conditions that may be putting a damper on your sex life. Sub-par sex could be the result of feeling uncomfortable with your partner, or it could be that you’re still learning what really turns you on. With the right person and a little experimenting, you can have stellar sex — it’s just a matter of build up your confidence (see #2) and comfort level with your partner. And of course, as with anything else in life, practice makes perfect.
5. Sex with my partner will eventually get boring/routine.
Contrary to popular belief, married couples actually report having more regular sex and higher levels of sexual satisfaction than those who are single or in unmarried relationships. As many married couples can tell you, sex within a committed relationship doesn’t have to be monotonous — in fact, it can be the best kind of sex. There’s a high level of comfort and intimacy, not to mention that your partner knows what you want and exactly how to give it to you.
Women’s levels of desire have been shown to gradually decrease over time in committed relationships. If your sex routine is getting a little stale, experts recommend talking openly to your partner about your sexual needs and trying new things (role play? sex toys?) to turn the heat back up.
If you’re suffering from a lack of desire, you’re not alone: A 2008 survey of over 30,000 women found that increasing numbers of women report sexual problems, including 10 percent of women ages 18 to 44 who reported low sexual desire.
What you need to know is that it’s not your fault: Low sex drive could be the result of certain forms of birth control, lack of sleep or taking antidepressants. Stress, depression and relationship issues can also be the culprits, according to ABC News . If you’re not sure what’s dampening your desire, talk to your gynecologist — the good news is that there are many ways to boost a low libido.
7. I’ve had too many (or not enough) sexual partners.
Some of us will experience many different types of sex , while others will only experience one type of sex with one partner. When it comes to sexual experience, there is no “normal.” You’ve grown and learned from your experiences, whatever and however many they may be, so don’t stress about which end of the spectrum (women aged 30-44 report an average of four sexual partners, according to the Kinsey Institute ) your number of partners falls on. As Entertainment Weekly critic Lisa Schwarzbaum put it in a review of the flop 2011 rom com “What’s Your Number?” , “Who in this day and age is counting?”
8. My STD is going to ruin my sex life.
Finding out that you have an STD is difficult, but it isn’t a death sentence for your sex life. Eighty percent of sexually-active singles will contract HPV at some point in their lives, and approximately one in four adults living in New York City has genital herpes. Your STD might feel like a scarlet “A,” but the stigma around these diseases is fading. If you’re nervous about telling prospective partners about your situation, try a dating site like positivesingles.com , which is exclusively for individuals with sexually transmitted diseases.
If it seems like everyone around you is having multiple orgasms and getting it on in public bathrooms while you’re stuck in sexual limbo, think again: Half of Americans are unsatisfied with their sex lives, according to a 2012 survey . If you’re going through a dry spell (and please note: we all do), try to remember that when spring inevitably comes again, having taken a break will mean that you have a better understanding of your sexual and relationship needs — and be in a better position to ask for them.
10. I get turned on by things I don’t actually want to do in real life.
Despite the wealth of research that’s been done on the subject, there are many aspects of female sexual desire that we still don’t understand. What we do know is that a woman’s capacity for arousal is generally far more fluid than a man’s. In an often-cited 2009 study , men and women were shown clips of a variety of sexual activities — sex between men and women, homosexual sex, animal sex, and more — and found that while straight men were aroused by heterosexual and lesbian sex, women were more aroused across the board. However, although women experienced physical arousal, they didn’t report being turned on. Their conclusion? When it comes to sex, our minds and bodies are frequently in disagreement.
If you’re a straight woman having lesbian fantasies, or you have domination fantasies that may not be in line with your feminist values, remember that desire isn’t always logical, moral, or politically correct. Fantasizing about something doesn’t necessarily mean you want to act it out in reality. And if you find that you do, it’s possible to act out fantasies in a safe way. The important thing is not to berate yourself for your desires.
Tell us: Which worries about sex have you decided to stop stressing over? Share your thoughts in the comments or tweet @HuffPostWomen .

https://queerlittlefamily.co.uk/some-worries-about-gender-sex-and-snappy/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/womens-10-biggest-worries_n_2777019
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