Service Submissive
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Service Submissive
how our polyamorous clients build thriving relationships
What Is Service Submission and Service Orientation?
November 6, 2014
By
Tilari
Updated: February 12, 2019
Tilari has been involved in the BDSM scene for 3 years, after being directed away from the Internet cesspit of OKCupid when she found herself single after an 8-year vanilla monogamous relationship. She has walked a pathway that was far beyond her wildest dreams, filled with loyal friends, incredible partners, and dedication to lifestyle submission, particularly of the service variety. Find more of her service writings at http://www.servicesubmissive.com
Excellent program. Absolutely relationship saving - David
Things are going exceptionally well for us. We are back on board with our future plans for a family. I was SO worried that we would never work it out... but I can't explain to you how much your communication techniques saved our relationship. You are amazing and will no doubt be getting many more recommendations from me! - Kristina
From start and all the way through, Josh has worked hard with both of us to get us through what seemed the end of our marriage. As they promise, as long as you do the work and stay coachable, they will give you the tools to navigate anything!! - Paul
I was so skeptical at first, but I was desperate! I am so thankful for their patience and help to save my relationship! Much love! - Elizabeth
"If They Can Help Me, They Can Help Anyone"
Copyright © 2012 – 2022 Touch of Flavor | built with love by rigel
Service gets pretty limited exposure when it comes to the majority of popular media and porn. Most of the time, you have someone prancing around in a french maid outfit, acting like a duster is an overly complicated piece of equipment that is simply impossible to use. The top comes into view, stops the service, and either goes for punishment then fucking or just fucking. There’s certainly no problem with that, but when it’s pretty much the only service orientation exposure you get on a frequent basis, it limits popular knowledge of everything that service orientation encompasses.
So, forget the french maid outfit, forget the part where it always ends in punishment, humiliation, or sex. Also, forget the part where providing service is the sole realm of submissives and bottoms. I’m here to talk about the basic concept of service orientation, real-life ways that I and others perform service, and some pointers on what service orientated people get out of acts of service.
I use the term service orientation or service orientated much more frequently than service submissive. While my personal experience does come from being a submissive who incorporates my service side into my submission, that does not mean only submissives are service orientated. (As a disclaimer, whenever I am referring to personal anecdotes about my own service experiences, I will use language that denotes the power exchange established between myself and my captain. For general service orientation information, I strive to keep my language as gender-neutral and power-neutral as possible.)
I know service orientated bottoms, dominants, tops, and those who don’t identify as any particular label in the kink world, so service is not only reserved for submissives and slaves. What draws us all together is the feeling of fulfillment that comes from doing something for the person receiving service, that this person requested. This fulfillment may take the form of emotional fulfillment or sexual arousal and satisfaction on the part of the service orientated person.
The actual form that service takes depends on what the service orientated person can do and what the service receiver would like. It’s important to note that a big part of service is giving the receiver what they request, in the way they prefer it, compared to the way the service provider would do it personally. Some receivers don’t mind how an act of service is accomplished, as long as the method completes the task to their specified parameters. Pretty much anything could be done as an act of service, and most of the time it comes down to context and execution method. There’s a lot of flexibility in service dynamic styles, so let me give you a real life example from my personal experience.
Some of the services that I provide for my captain include cooking, cleaning, meal planning, personal assistant/business services, fetching drinks, post-scene clean-ups, house organization, cigar service, product and general research, and computer maintenance. I tend to be a jack of all trades style of service provider, picking up skills that are needed the most and specializing in a few base skillsets such as business services and cooking. It’s sometimes hard to draw the line exactly where something is a service to the captain as opposed to me doing something nice for my partner. There’s no hard and fast line for that, but generally, it comes down to whether or not I’m prioritizing this task over other things that I’m doing, and am I doing it exactly the way the captain prefers.
My personal motivation for service is the fulfillment that comes from making my captain’s life happier, easier, better, and more fulfilling. My service goals are to take care of the background things that I can, that I also personally enjoy so that he has the opportunity to relax and recharge and distress. For me personally, service is a way of expressing affection and care for my captain. I’ve always been the type of partner who has shown affection through actions and deeds, but the problem I kept encountering in vanilla relationships was that these offerings were taken for granted, not reciprocated in some way, and generally made me feel not so great about giving of myself due to an unbalanced exchange. Service dynamics have given me a way to utilize my natural proclivities for service and creates a natural context (in my case, power exchange) where the service is acknowledged, honored, and is an important part of the energy and power exchange.
Are there some people who perform selfless acts of service out there? Sure, there are, but for the most part, the service orientated person is getting some sort of exchange for their acts of service. Here are a few things that service orientated people may get in exchange for service.
One of the most important realizations of being a service orientated person is to always recognize what you need personally in order to be fulfilled as a service person. Outside of service to the community, I limit my lifestyle service submissive side to the person I’m in a D/s relationship with, which also addresses my physical and emotional needs in exchange for service. It may take some time to get service experience to completely understand what works best for you personally, but you always want to make sure that the service exchange remains an EXCHANGE of some sort, and not one person getting all of the benefit and the service provider feeling resentful, taken for granted, or unfulfilled. Just like negotiating a scene, negotiating a service scene or dynamic requires finding the middle ground where two (or more) people agree upon and consent to all of the activities involved. I’ll talk more about how I and others have handled service negotiations in future posts. Feel free to comment below with any questions, comments, or service experiences of your own!
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Performing personal tasks for their dominant partner, as part of their submissive role in a BDSM relationship
^ Jump up to: a b Sciortino, Karley (January 31, 2018). "A 'Lifestyle Slave' Is More Than a Sub Who Does All Your Chores for Free" . Vice .
^ Shahbaz, Caroline (2016). Becoming a Kink Aware Therapist . Taylor and Francis. ISBN 978-1-315-29532-9 . OCLC 960040878 .
^ Easton, Dossie (2001). The new bottoming book . Janet W. Hardy, Angela Beck (New ed.). San Francisco, Calif.: Greenery. ISBN 978-1-890159-87-0 . OCLC 793001222 .
^ "Bootblacking by Niki Smith" . Oh Joy Sex Toy . 2016-04-12 . Retrieved 2021-10-12 .
^ "A Top's Guide to Being in the Bootblacking Chair" . Deviance & Desire . 2016-05-11 . Retrieved 2021-10-12 .
^ "Inside the Surprisingly Intimate Fetish of Boot Licking" . www.out.com . 2019-09-18 . Retrieved 2021-10-12 .
In BDSM , service-oriented submission (or sometimes servitude ) is the performance of personal tasks for a dominant partner, as part of a submissive role in a BDSM relationship . [1] The submissive is sometimes said to be in service to the dominant. Service-oriented submission is part of a spectrum of submissive behaviors, and not all submissives are service-oriented. [2]
In domestic service roles, the submissive can receive pleasure and satisfaction from performing services for their dominant, such as serving as a butler, waitress, chauffeur, maid or housekeeper. [1] Many derive satisfaction from being focused on the needs of another, rather than themselves. [3]
Service-oriented submission can be performed in ways that are either servile , or dignified. [ citation needed ] Bootblacking is a service-oriented task performed within the leather subculture . [4] [5]
Bootblacking may sometimes involve boot-licking as part of the activity. [6]
The satisfaction of service submission is often combined with the pleasures of fetishes , the pleasures of humiliation , or both. A submissive may rub his or her dominant's feet because the sub enjoys providing the service, has a foot fetish , enjoys being "lower" than the dominant, or any combination. [ citation needed ]
This BDSM -related article is a stub . You can help Wikipedia by expanding it .
how our polyamorous clients build thriving relationships
The Daily Life of the Service Submissive
February 5, 2015
By
Tilari
Updated: February 12, 2019
Tilari has been involved in the BDSM scene for 3 years, after being directed away from the Internet cesspit of OKCupid when she found herself single after an 8-year vanilla monogamous relationship. She has walked a pathway that was far beyond her wildest dreams, filled with loyal friends, incredible partners, and dedication to lifestyle submission, particularly of the service variety. Find more of her service writings at http://www.servicesubmissive.com
Excellent program. Absolutely relationship saving - David
Things are going exceptionally well for us. We are back on board with our future plans for a family. I was SO worried that we would never work it out... but I can't explain to you how much your communication techniques saved our relationship. You are amazing and will no doubt be getting many more recommendations from me! - Kristina
From start and all the way through, Josh has worked hard with both of us to get us through what seemed the end of our marriage. As they promise, as long as you do the work and stay coachable, they will give you the tools to navigate anything!! - Paul
I was so skeptical at first, but I was desperate! I am so thankful for their patience and help to save my relationship! Much love! - Elizabeth
"If They Can Help Me, They Can Help Anyone"
Copyright © 2012 – 2022 Touch of Flavor | built with love by rigel
The allure of a 24/7 D/s relationship comes from erotica, porn, and listening to all sorts of stories being thrown about. There’s the talk of floggers and whips and chains, cages, running around naked, latex and leather, sex on command, and countless other kinks and fetishes.
The truth of the matter: you can certainly have all these things be a part of your daily life in a 24/7 D/s relationship. The problems arise when you assume that it’s going to be kink and sex every minute of every day. It turns out there are pesky things that get in the way like real life responsibilities and logistics. My personal D/s dynamic relationship is heavily service-oriented, and this is how a typical day goes for myself and my Captain.
I wake up in the morning, generally an hour before he does. This is possibly the truest act of service I can ever provide because dear gods do I hate mornings. I am a night owl, but my Captain needs me up in the morning, so a morning person I shall be. Not only do I need to be up in the mornings during his work week (which is thankfully condensed down to a portion of the week instead of 5 days), but I need to be on the ball and ready to provide service.
There’s a typical routine for morning he’s not heading out on business travel: waking him up with coffee prepared to his preferences, getting breakfast ready at the same time or shortly after that, opening the curtains in his room to let in sun, and handling any tidying up that may have gotten left over from the night before. It’s a lot more complicated when he’s headed out on the road for business travel, as I need to make sure that his suitcase is packed properly, in addition to my typical morning service. Once he’s up and about, I’ll make the bed quickly (since I tend to perch there with my laptop) and ramble at him about whatever. It’s pretty typical couple stuff at this point. I’ll check my service to-do list we collaborate on to figure out my schedule for the rest of the day.
After I take care of the morning stuff, I have a few hours where I’m either working (I have my own business I run from home) or hanging out in the room with my Captain while we watch videos or play video games or play. I’ll watch his coffee cup and handle refills if he needs them, provide assistance with any business related things he may need help with, such as looking up information or scanning documents, and providing snacks if needed. I also feed our cat, change out her water, and clean her litter box. If I’m not working, I will generally work on a meal plan for the next few days and prepare a grocery list.
Lunch preparation tends to be fairly quick, either involving leftovers, lunch meat, or something else that generally takes less than half an hour to prepare. If I need to go to a grocery store, I generally try to head out after lunch, as it’s within walking distance and I don’t want to try to run home as the sun is setting. I tend to take care of lunch and breakfast dishes at this time if I haven’t already gone through them in the morning. Then it’s more hanging out time, random tasks are done as needed, or free time where I’m crafting, playing with the cat, exercising, or playing video games.
Throughout the day, I’ll take plates from meals back to the kitchen, do the first of two dish washings (my kingdom for a dishwasher), check the humidors and maintain their humidity levels, handle small amounts of cleaning, do laundry if needed, and in general putz around as needed and do my work and hobbies in between. There’s actually a good amount of downtime, it’s not like I’m running around all day doing nothing but serving.
Dinner prep is more extensive since that is the more elaborate meal of the day for us, so that might take an hour or two depending on what’s going on with it. The main service challenge for me here is that we have a wonderful place with a tiny, tiny kitchen so that makes doing multiple course meals or more elaborate food options fairly difficult. Of course, it also means when we upgrade that I’m going to have all sorts of awesome developed skills that I can adapt to every size kitchen.
After dinner, we shift into our night time routine. I’ll fully make the bed since I tend to mess it up throughout the day by sitting on it, switch over to low or no caffeine tea for the drink of choice, prepare dessert or other after dinner snacks, and commence with more couple hang out time.
On paper, this routine might sound a bit mundane but the joy and fulfillment I get out of serving my Captain make it a lot more than just doing a dish here or making a meal there. It’s a way to show him how much I care about him, our dynamic, and our overall relationship.
With previous partners, especially before I got involved in the BDSM scene, being that giving of myself often got taken for granted, or rejected, because of a myriad of reasons. In my service dynamic, we are on the same page with appreciating each other’s role in service, checking in to maintain open communication on service things, and making sure that there isn’t any room for things being taken for granted. We’re both human, so there are missteps along the way, but when we acknowledge the mistakes and respond appropriately, it helps to build a solid foundation for our relationship and our dynamic. The intent behind the service is what makes the difference between service submission and simply a kinky maid service (which are also awesome in their own right).
Reflections of a Service Submissive
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What does it mean to me to be a service submissive?
I don’t need to be perfect, but I want everything I do to be the best it can be, because without a specific individual dom to serve, doing something to the best of my ability (and learning to do better the next time I do that thing) is my only real benchmark for success.
We look at things from different angles. From different perspectives. From different.
She/Her. Chatelaine. Writer. Dreamer. Bioengineer. Designer. Witch. #ActuallyAutistic
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