Separated Wife Dating Someone
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Is Dating ok during a separation? As long as you are living apart, and abide by any legal agreements, dating while separated is legal. However, dating while separated may have emotional implications that may impact the quality of life for your entire family for years to come.
Researcher P.R Amato called separation a “socially ambiguous status—not quite married, not quite divorced (2010).
A separation is not the same as a divorce because you are legally married to your spouse, regardless of the duration of your separation period. There are many things to consider if you are looking forward to dating while separated.
Here are 6 crucial areas you should address about your separation, its possible impacts on your kids, and the related other risks involved.
Your type of separation will have a major impact on your lifestyle and the advisability of dating while separated. Any individual who is separated from his/her spouse must know about the different types of separation.
When you and your partner need a break from the relationship, you can choose to live apart while you both can decide what’s best for your relationship.
During a trial separation, you choose whether you want to opt for couples therapy or divorce.
If you live apart from your spouse but don’t want to reconcile or get a legal divorce, you can say that you are permanently separated. Living apart can affect property rights between spouses in some states.
As a couple, if you decide that you don’t want to get back together, then the debts and assets you both acquire during the separation period will belong to the spouse who acquires them.
As a permanently separated couple, you are not responsible for any debts that your spouse borrows. However, that also means that you are not entitled to your spouse’s property share or income.
In many states, you can receive legal separation by filing a request in a family court. But the document is not equivalent to a divorce. When you are dating while legally separated, it does not mean that you are divorced from your partner and can marry someone that you are dating.
The court’s order granting the legal separation includes orders about alimony, property division, child support, and custody, similar to a divorce order.
You must be available emotionally and physically before you start dating. In addition to that, here are a few signs that will help you determine whether you are ready to date again.
If you are married, dating is a BIG NO! unless you utterly separated from your spouse, both physically and emotionally.
Conversely, if your spouse is dating someone, and you’ve truly moved on, it should not impact you in any way.
Regardless of whether your separation will ultimately lead to a divorce or not, dating during separation and before a divorce can have its own set of risks. In the absence of a legal separation, dating can pose the following risks if you seek a formal divorce.
While it’s true that separation allows two individuals to experience their life if they decide to end their marriage, it doesn’t always mean you cut all ties with your spouse.
Many spouses date each other while separated.
That is why married dating during separation enables couples to find ways to make their relationship work.
If you were not in an abusive relationship, consider the merits dating your partner during the separation.
It might give you and your partner another chance to see if things can work out again. Attending your children’s school events together, and participating in their birthday celebrations can also create the emotional space for reconciliation.
Doherty, Willoughby, and Peterson (2011) found that both spouses, in nearly 10% of separated couples, believe their marriage can be saved.
For example, the notion of a “no-fault” divorce varies from state to state. Avoid dating on the down-low if you live in a state where it might be weighed against you in a court battle. Only 17 US states are truly “no-fault.”
If you’re preoccupied with reconciling…you’re not emotionally available. If you want to make your spouse jealous by dating someone else…you’re not emotionally available…and if you want to date only because your partner has moved on, and you don’t want to be alone…you’re not emotionally available.
Don’t be in a rush to date during your separation just because you’re uncomfortable being alone.
But if divorce is your path, don’t avoid eventually putting yourself out there because you fear others will judge you for your actions.
Resolve the ambivalence of dating while separated with your partner, perhaps as part of a formal separation agreement.
Reuniting after separation doesn’t mean that you’ve resolved your marital issues.
Partners who have separated, but remain married, report greater relationship instability and less marital satisfaction than couples who never separated (Binstock & Thornton, 2003; Kitson, 1985; Vennum et al., 2014; Wineberg & McCarthy, 1994).
Science-based couples therapy can help you manage your perpetual problems with skill…even if it’s your “last shot.”
Separation can be an opportunity to reflect, and renew yourself emotionally and spiritually.
Remember that dating while separated is a personal decision, and if you are conflicted about the issue, you’re probably not comfortable enough just yet, or maybe you need some relationship coaching to explore your options.
One of the more immediate impacts of dating while separated is that it may tend to undermine any efforts toward reconciliation. Make sure you understand what message dating while separated will send to your spouse, your kids, and your extended family.
You have a right to live your life on your terms and conditions. Just remember that your decisions have consequences, and whatever mistakes you make along the way will truly be your own.
Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72, 650–666. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741=3737
Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW, writing for SheKnows, The dos and don’ts of dating when you’re separated but not divorced http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1105393/dating-when-youre-separated-but-not-divorced
Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW, writing for SheKnows, The dos and don’ts of dating when you’re separated but not divorced http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1105393/dating-when-youre-separated-but-not-divorced
Beverly Bird, writing for LegalZoom. Found athttp://info.legalzoom.com/can-married-men-legally-separated-date-committing-adultery-21168.html
Binstock, G., & Thornton, A. (2003). Separations, reconciliations, and living apart in cohabiting and marital unions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 65, 432–443. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741‐3737.2003.00432.x.
Antonio Borrello, writing for the Huffington Post, 6 Warning Signs That You Are Still Hung Up on Your Exhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/antonio-borrello-phd/6-warning-signs-that-you-_b_7979722.html
Eileen Coen, J.D., Five Tips for Dating During Separation. Found at http://www.ecmediation.com/five-tips-for-dating-during-separation/
Doherty, W. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Peterson, B. (2011). Interest in marital reconciliation among divorcing parents. Family Court Review, 49, 313–321. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744‐1617.2011.01373.x.
FreeAdvice Legal: Dating During Divorce or Separation. Found at https://family-law.freeadvice.com/family-law/divorce_law/dating-while-divorcing.htm
Kitson, G. C. (1985). Marital discord and marital separation: A county survey. Journal of Marriage and Family, 47, 693–700. https://doi.org/10.2307/3552270.
Vennum, A., Lindstrom, R., Monk, J. K., & Adams, R. (2014). “It’s complicated”: The continuity and correlates of cycling in cohabiting and marital relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31, 410–430. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407513501987.
Wineberg, H., & McCarthy, J. (1994). Separation and reconciliation in American marriages. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 20, 21–42. https://doi.org/10.1300/J087v20n01_02.
Daniel is a Marriage and Family Therapist and the blog editor. He currently works with couples online and in person. He uses EFT, Gottman Method, Solution-focused and Developmental Models in his approaches. Daniel specializes in working with neurodiverse couples, couples that are recovering from an affair, and passive aggressive behavior patterns.
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Dating Someone Who Is Separated: Is It Right For You?
Dating Someone Who Is Separated: Is It Right For You?
People often wonder about dating someone who is separated—not officially divorced. Some won’t do it. Some don’t have an issue with it. Read this email I received from a reader who is having problems in online dating because he is separated–not officially divorced.
I have been separated for over a year, with young kids I have half the time. My divorce is amicable and I maintain a good relationship with my ex. There’s no love there though, we’ve clearly moved on. The divorce should be final in September. I have my stuff together…own my own place, pursuing an MBA, good job, do the best for my kids, and I’m in a good place right now. I’m not looking to rush back into a marriage, but I’m looking to date with an intent on finding a relationship. It’s what feels right for me and I feel ready for it. I wouldn’t fear being exclusive with the right person. I don’t have a wide network of people where I live, so I’m online. What I’ve noticed is that no woman seems to want to touch me with a 10 foot pole because I’m ‘separated.’ My divorce is pending and will be finalized in September (it’s written better in the profile).
One woman proceeded to tell me “recently divorced people are somewhat unstable emotionally”. Another says “I see you’re separated…I’m looking for a serious relationship”. I also went on a date with a really cool girl and had a great time. Next day’s text “You are an amazing guy, but still being married is an issue for me”. I mean, WTF…she knew this already! I even skipped grad school class to go on the date.
My friend thought I should show myself as ‘divorced’ and explain in the profile that I will be soon. However, I’m not trying to misrepresent myself and I feel like that would.
There are many possible reasons people have issues with dating someone who is separated—not officially divorced: They think the person could end up getting back with their ex, they think the person isn’t mentally ready, they think that dating someone who isn’t officially divorced is the same thing as dating a married man.
While I respect the comfort levels of men and women who don’t want to date someone who is officially still married, I have to make the argument for why dating someone who is separated and not divorced yet is perfectly OK. Here is how I feel:
A piece of paper does not change what could happen with a divorced couple. Someone who is officially divorced could end up sleeping with or getting back with their ex just as easily as someone who isn’t officially divorced. It all has to do with emotions-not legal documents.
As far as the person not being mentally ready, who’s to say someone is mentally ready when the ink dries on their divorce decree? They might not be mentally ready for a relationship for years. Or, they might be the type of person who enjoys monogamy and is ready right away-from early on in the separation. You have no idea what their life has been like. Maybe the person has been separated for 5 years and has felt alone and has been healing, and is now ready for a relationship.
Now, one would think I would be totally against dating someone who is separated and not divorced yet, basically because I have done it a few times, and one time I got pretty badly burned. A guy I was seeing who was separated—not divorced was still sleeping with his ex. (I found out years later, but it still hurt like hell.) That said, I still feel like dating someone who is separated is no worse than dating someone who is recently divorced or for that matter, divorced.
The thing is, every divorce story is different, every situation unique. I think that people later in life make commitments of the heart, and whether or not they are monogamous has nothing to do with a divorce decree.
Regarding this guy’s situation specifically, I feel for him. He is going to be officially divorced in September, so what is the difference in one month? During the next 30 days is he going to all of a sudden become ready to date? Ready for monogamy? Over his divorce just because he will have a piece of paper that says he is no longer married? Nope.
I am not going to tell him I think he should lie on his profile and tell women he is divorced. Lying isn’t good. He needs to wait it out. It’s only 4 weeks away. In the meantime, he should keep doing what he’s doing: going to school, working hard and raising his kids. He will turn out fine, and when his divorce is final, he will probably get more dates, which seems a little silly to me (that the women care so much) but it is what it is, right?
Jackie Pilossoph is the creator of her website, Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of her novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationship column, Love Essentially, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press. Pilossoph lives with her family in Chicago. Oh, and she’s divorced.
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