Sensual Submissive

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Sensual Submissive
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Fifty Shades of Grey is fiction, but the kinky sex in its pages is very real.
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When I first met Doug on Match.com (opens in new tab) in 2005, we were 26 and living in Washington, D.C., both recently out of serious relationships, both working long hours at jobs we loved. He had a big position with a top financial firm; I headed up public relations for a health-care nonprofit. On our first date, although we only kissed, he told me I wouldn't be the same when he was done with me. I knew he was right—I just didn't know what it meant. Neither of us did.
Doug was tall with dark hair and eyes, but it wasn't his looks that unglued me. A recent business school graduate, he was smart, confident, and witty. We'd talk for hours about politics and sports, and though he commented on how amazing our chemistry was, how amazing I was, he held back emotionally. Control. He had it, always.
We dated for a few months and had intense—if, in retrospect, vanilla—sex. There was a magnetic pull between us, only the attraction swallowed me. I became uncharacteristically needy, and it pushed him away.
Months went by after we'd broken up, but I couldn't get Doug out of my head. I began having fantasies about him like I'd never had about anyone. I wanted him to overpower me. I'd heard about BDSM—bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism—but didn't know much about it.
Curious about my new feelings, I did some research online. One site showed women being bound and whipped. Another showed a girl on the floor with a man standing over her asking who she belonged to. The answer: Him, of course. It all turned me on, but I felt confused. Wasn't it weird that I, a proud feminist, could enjoy something so degrading? I would never stay with a man who hurt me. So how could I enjoy this? Still, I kept exploring.
In a few clicks on another popular site, I found Doug's profile. I was initially shocked, and yet it made perfect sense. That was our connection. I messaged him: "I didn't know you had this side of you. Wink, wink."
At first, we casually texted, catching up on each other's lives. He'd finished an Ironman triathlon, and I'd started working on a business plan to venture out on my own. Our shared interest in BDSM came up slowly, in e-mails and on the phone. He'd joke about making me scream, and I'd say, confidently, "Bring it." Or he'd forward articles or videos of BDSM research he'd done.
I learned that BDSM is about more than rough sex. In a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship, you have to trust each other—emotionally, mentally, spiritually. While a Dominant, or "Dom," may have the "power," he can only go as far as his submissive, or "sub," will let him. It's not abuse; it's consensual. Doug would text, "How do you feel about a belt? Could you trust me to do anything to you?" Almost a year after our first date, Doug came to my house to try BDSM.
We settled on opposite sofas, and I was a fidgety, nervous mess. What if I didn't like the pain as much as the idea of it? Then Doug stood up, towering over me, and grabbed a fistful of my hair. He ordered me to perform oral sex, but that first time wasn't really about sex, it was about seeing if I'd be obedient. He used a belt, leaving welts on my back, thighs, and bottom. I could hear him pacing behind me, but I never knew when the lick of leather was coming. It hurt like hell, but I was utterly turned on. I had no control. And I loved it.
Afterward, I cried, overwhelmed by how raw it all was. We met up a couple more times for similar sessions, but then I pulled away. I was freaked out. Not by the pain, but by how intense my feelings were for him.
Nearly two years passed before I saw him again. We had both gotten married, gotten on with our lives. My husband and I renovated our house. I traveled to India and Australia with friends. And my business boomed. Meanwhile, I tried to suppress this thing between Doug and me. When Doug texted that he was moving to Boston for a big promotion, I agreed to meet him for a drink.
I told my husband, with whom I share a very honest relationship, that I was going to see an ex for closure. But as soon as Doug and I laid eyes on each other, that dark connection was still there. He walked me to my car, and we kissed. Then he told me to take off my pants. I obeyed. We were right back in it. He left for Boston with his wife the next morning. And just like that, our long-distance, extramarital D/s relationship began.
"A sub is intoxicated by the surrender—and not because he or she is weak. A sub is willing to go to a place many people do not, or cannot, go."
With 500 miles between us, we're in contact over e-mail, text, and Skype. Because BDSM is about so much more than just sex, Doug can still be my Dom from afar, focusing more on psychological control. I'll text that I'm going for a run, and he'll tell me I can't. Over Skype, he'll watch me get close to orgasm and make me stop. Or he won't speak to me because, with the distance, it's one of the only ways I can feel the sting of his decision.
We know what we're doing isn't fair to our spouses, but fortunately for me, I'm able to be honest with my husband about Doug. We went through counseling a few years ago and agreed to have an open marriage. I love my husband—and I love having sex with him, but in an entirely different way. Doug is my dark and my husband is my light. For Doug, it's not that easy. His wife has no idea about this side of him.
Recently, I flew to Boston for a long weekend when Doug's wife was out of town. He arrived at my hotel and made me sit on my knees while he spanked me with his belt. Even though we have a safe word, I've never used it. In a D/s relationship, you need to trust another human being in ways that are rarely explored. A Dom is intoxicated by someone who is willing to trust him or her that much. A sub is intoxicated by the surrender—and not because he or she is weak. A sub is willing to go to a place many people do not, or cannot, go. The physical pain is just a small part of it. And surviving it, enduring it, is a feat. I know it's weird, but I feel like if I can do that, I can do anything.
I didn't tell any of my friends about Doug for nearly four years. I just didn't want to be judged. Eventually, I started revealing details when we'd talk about our sex lives. They couldn't believe that I liked being bossed around, that I allowed a man to hit me. I explained that in his normal life, Doug would never hurt a woman. He even donates to a battered-women's shelter! One day at lunch I showed my best friend some texts from Doug. She got really upset by the controlling things he wrote, like telling me what to wear to work. And when I revealed that he had a wife, she was totally disgusted. We'd been friends for 18 years and she had been my maid of honor, but we haven't talked in nearly a year.
Sometimes I feel like I'm someone's dirty little secret. Doug is now a full-on conservative businessman. He lives in a huge house in a fancy Boston suburb; he plays golf, flies planes, runs marathons. (As embarrassing as it is to admit, he's a lot like Christian Grey.) And he has the perfect Stepford-looking wife. But the truth is, I feel bad for him. I couldn't imagine leading a double life like he does. And I do feel guilty about his wife. Yet selfishly, my main concern is protecting him and our relationship.
I love that Fifty Shades of Grey has gotten women talking more honestly about their fantasies, but I hate that the book perpetuates the notion that a Dom must be messed up to be into this kind of sex. People who aren't in the BDSM world think that Doms and subs are broken people. Subs supposedly have no backbone, have daddy issues. I am completely alpha at home and work. I have two full-time employees and am a bossy boss. Subs are not doormats. We are just expressing darker sides of ourselves the way everyone else probably has some fetish they're afraid to share.
Last week, I got home from a weekend with Doug in Boston. I don't know how much longer we can go on with the distance and his sneaking around, but I can't imagine my life without Doug, without this in it. For now, I am comforted by the scenes I play over and over in my head. The way he walked into the room the last night and pinched me so hard that I inhaled deeply and tried not to cry out. "What should I do to you for making me wait?" he asked. "Anything you want," I answered. And I meant it.

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Spanking. Orgasm Denial. Silent treatment. All are forms of punishment that a Dominant can use to punish their submissive. Some people like the idea of punishments. In fact, that may be their biggest attraction to the BDSM way of life. But it’s not the main draw.
There are lots of reasons why punishment is part of the BDSM lifestyle. More often than not, punishment is used to train the submissive and correct behaviors to help the submissive become the best version of themselves. One of the key components of this lifestyle is the rules. While the rules can be revisited and adjusted as the relationship progresses, there must be consequences when the rules are broken.
There are two different elements at play here. One is discipline and the other is punishment. How are they different, you ask? Don’t they go hand in hand? Yes and no. By definition discipline is to train to act in accordance with a specific set of rules. This is like going to the gym when you are training for a race of some sort. Punishment is a consequence of breaking a set of rules that have been established. Think detention for being late to school. Two sides of the same coin that work together for the best desired outcome.
The desired outcome is to have a healthy relationship where you both feel safe, happy, and cared for. By following rules that are set by the Dom, the submissive can relax and trust that they are taken care of. When the submissive complies with the rules, the Dominant feels proud that he is able to have been given the gift of submission. The Dominant then feels accepted, desired, and confident like the Master they are.
One of the biggest components of BDSM is that the relationship consists of a Dominant and a submissive. This is actually the cornerstone of this lifestyle. A Dominant will take control of the submissive. The extent of control is discussed and agreed upon between the two parties before any play time can happen.
For a power play relationship to exist, it needs several things. You must have trust. This is by far the most important thing. The submissive must trust that their mental, emotional, and physical health are their Dominant’s priority. The Dominant must trust that their submissive is being honest about limits and that they are communicating with the truth about their experiences, history, etc. For information on these two dynamics, check out the articles on Dominants and submissives from Sofia Gray.
Once good communication and trust are established, then the couple can explore and play. It is important to note that there is such a thing as a toxic, or bad, Dom . Unfortunately, there are some Doms that do not take the submissive’s needs into account and are in it for what makes them feel good. They don’t understand or respect the limits that the submissive has agreed to.
When a submissive finds the right Dominant, some magic can happen. But there is one more step. You both need to agree on what you will both do, your limits, and punishments.
BDSM contracts are a pretty important part of the relationship. Both parties need to bring something to the relationship to make their counterpart the best version of themselves. The contract outlines what the Dominant/submissive will be responsible for. They are meant to protect both people from hurt feelings and unrealistic expectations. They can include anything you want, really. And they can and should include any rules and consequences for rule breaking. These can be verbal or written out, but the most important part of the contract is communication. This is something that is ongoing throughout the duration of the relationship.
Like I said earlier, discipline and punishment are two totally different things, but they are related. A good Dom will help teach the submissive how to push their limits. They are training the sub to be the best sub that they can be for them.
During the early courtship, the Dominant will try and build the submissive’s confidence. As a submissive myself, this is crucial to helping me feel comfortable enough to test my limits. The Dominant can do things like ask for pictures in various stages of dress; starting from fully clothed and then gradually less. Reminding them that they are a beautiful, precious treasure to them. They can reassure them that they aren’t leaving. They will remind the submissive that they are safe and they cared for.
As a submissive, when I hear these things, it helps me relax. It helps me trust. It helps me see myself the way my Dom sees me. I want to please him, and when I please him, he rewards me. And that thrills me more than anything. He has me and it makes me want to do more to please him. I’m delighted and fulfilled when he is happy with me.
The Dominant wants respect and devotion. The submissive must trust the boundaries and rules that are put into place. As a submissive, I rely on my Dom to guide me, lead me, and in return he gets my devotion.
Punishments are the other side of the coin. You’ve agreed to terms. But say you are feeling slightly bratty or maybe you forget (as a sub) what you have agreed to. There are consequences for these behaviors. Maybe it’s early in the relationship and you are given a task. As a sub, your Dom may require proof that you have completed the task when you are out of his presence. Failure to complete the task will result in punishment.
Punishments should happen quickly. They shouldn’t happen long after the rule was broken. If the punishment doesn’t come quickly, then it can create a sense of insecurity with the submissive or it could even make the rule less effective. When the consequence isn’t delivered quickly, the Dominant loses some of power. He’s not being effective.
Punishments can be corporal or reflective. Both work well, you need to figure out with your Dominant or submissive, which is best for you. Either way, corrections of missteps help deepen the connection between you and help strengthen the relationship. The Dominant can be more affectionate and the submissive can be more pleasing. Really, it’s for the submissive’s own good.
One way that the Dom can punish the sub would be to use reflective listening. Reflective listening is when the rule is repeated, first by the Dom and then by the sub in their own words. This is so the Dominant can ensure that the submissive understands what the rule is. The Dominant may ask the sub to explain why the rule is in place. By having the sub mirror the rule back to the Dominant, any misunderstanding or miscommunication can be addressed immediately. The sub can use phrases like “I hear that rule like this…”
Many times, a Dominant will use small tasks to test a submissive’s willingness and ability to obey. When the Dominant sees how the submissive responds to these tasks, they have a better idea of whether they want to continue the relationship and/or how much training the submissive will require. As a submissive, the why for a rule being in place or why I am being given some, what I think is, a random task is very important to me. I happily comply with small, seemingly insignificant tasks. The Dominant should explain why menial tasks are assigned or why they are required. When the submissive understands the purpose, they will be happier to comply.
Another non-impact form of punishment would be to have the sub reflect on their wants and needs. Having the sub verbally communicate this can clarify any misunderstandings and it prevents bigger hurts down the road because of unrealistic expectations. This is especially important if you are a sub that likes to be bratty and defiant in order to get put back in line with punishment and your Dom prefers a good girl that obeys implicitly. Or even the other way around. Again, this comes back to communication.
Understanding the why behind the rules helps absolve the Dominant from feeling guilty from following through with the agreed upon consequence for breaking the rule.
Some other alternatives to physical punishment are:
There are many physical types of punishments and those are the ones we typically think of. And while impact play can be a part of your BDSM relationship, the Dominant shouldn’t push the submissive with corporal punishments that push them beyond their limits. Safe words can be used during punishment if they are needed. The Dominant shouldn’t use punishment in moments of anger and they should remain in control.
Spanking- This is delivered with the hand of the Dominant. Hand, not fist.
Paddling- This can be delivered with a wooden paddle or a leather paddle.
Whips- This group includes regular whips, riding crops, and floggers. Impact from these types of instruments spread the strike out.
Caning- This type of spanking happens when the blows are delivered by a thin cane made of rattan across your behind. The cane can be a single rod or a bundle.
Belt- Most men have one available and can use this to deliver strikes to the submissive.
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