Sensual Spanking
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Sensual Spanking
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What REALLY Happens At A Sexy 'Spanking Party'
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By Amanda Chatel — Written on Jul 29, 2015
The first time I asked a guy to spank me in bed, he suggested I double up on my therapy sessions. When I asked him a second time, he did it — but in a half-assed way because it wasn't his thing.
While I respect that, I knew that if I didn't get properly spanked at some point soon, I was going to lose it. I wanted him to spank me, damn it! I wanted him to spank me hard. I wanted to see what it felt like, and not have someone else's hang-ups stand in the way of my mild flirtation with BDSM (I hardly consider spanking to fall in that category of sex , but apparently some do).
Eventually, there were many other men whom I didn't even have to ask to spank me, and I realized my intuition and craving for it was legit. I loved it.
Recently, a friend of mine, who shares my love for spanking, attended an official, invite-only spanking party in New York City. Her account of the evening is really intriguing, and not what you'd picture a kinky spanking party to entail.
In other words, there were no over-the-top bondage scenarios, just a group of people who either loved to spank or be spanked. The night was a success, everyone was respectful and conversations weren't at all "spank" related; instead the spanking quarters were separate and conservatively called the "play" area.
I would absolutely give a spanking party a try. I was hesitant at first, just as my friend was, but I think the excitement outweighed the initial fear. On that note, I'm off to research spanking parties in NYC because sometimes you need a sore bum to get through the day.
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By day, I was a women’s studies minor, wrote a weekly feminist column for the student newspaper, and was president of the National Organization of Women on campus. By night, I really, really, really just wanted to be spanked.
By day, I was a women’s studies minor, wrote a weekly feminist column for the student newspaper, and was president of the National Organization of Women on campus. By night, I really, really, really just wanted to be spanked.
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My first spanking was at my 16th birthday party. My guy friends tackled me on the kitchen floor and took turns giving me 16 spanks. And maybe one for good luck. I don’t remember. Once freed, I was livid. I was mortified.
In the years to come, I got some playful spankings, during which I was always twisting, giggling, and trying to get out of it. My first serious boyfriend loved to smack me on the ass as a joke, as did my second serious boyfriend. The more I protested, laughingly telling them to stop, the more they did it. And getting playful spanks always, always led to making out. I look back now and see that both guys realized I loved getting spanked long before I did.
You could say I was in denial about my spanking fetish. It wasn’t that I thought slapping booty was abuse, nor was my starched WASP upbringing to blame. No, the problem was my feminist sensibilities. I realize now that the term “feminism” is vague and means different things for different people, but when I was younger, I assumed there was a way a feminist should think and act. So, even though I liked the feeling of getting spanked, I felt conflicted about giving up my physical power, thinking spanking wasn’t something an independent and opinionated woman should enjoy . Just how, I fretted, could a partner take me seriously as a thinker, a doer, and a creator when I wanted to be submissive to him? What if people think I’m weird or screwed up?
But my sex drive proved mightier than my hang-ups and spanking became a main course of my sex life—albeit a shameful one—in college.
And I was, by a few different guys who, to varying degrees, were down with giving me spankings. But I still felt kind of ashamed because they themselves didn’t enjoy it, but they spanked me anyway because they knew it made me happy.
When I was 21, right after I graduated from college, I began dating Brandon, a brilliant, charismatic, confident 22-year-old. I loved how his dominant, even arrogant, personality manifested itself between the sheets. (Really, the only place I could put up with such a personality.) I didn’t have to ask for him to spank or dominate me because he did it naturally, and I didn’t feel like I was “choosing” to be submissive. But when we broke up after nine months, I knew I wanted the next guy I dated to be dominant in bed, like Brandon had been. I did a little Googling about submission and spanking fetishes and discovered it was a lot of other people’s fetishes, as well.
Fast forward a few years, and a few sexually un-fulfilling relationships, to Charles, the first guy who made me feel like there wasn’t anything wrong or un-feminist about wanting to be spanked. I’d known Charles for years, so he knew about my feminist activism and the writing I do about women’s issues. Once Charles learned about my dom/sub fetish, he knew—and respected—how conflicted I felt. Charles wanted to spank a woman as badly as I wanted to be spanked, and that was what mattered to him. Plus, he’d struggled with apathetic partners, as I had, and he owned a paddle! Alas, Charles also had a girlfriend.
Not that that stopped us. No, we were selfish: Charles cheated on his girlfriend with me. But those few weeks were sexually charged, passionate and wonderful. And other than feeling guilt about the cheating, I didn’t feel ashamed about what we were doing. Getting spanked and dominated in bed by an enthusiastic partner was the most sexually liberating feeling of my entire life.
Eventually, Charles and I ended our relationship when he wouldn’t end it with his girlfriend. I talked with my therapist, Dr. B, about how the emotional part of the relationship hadn’t been right, but my sexual chemistry with Charles had been spot-on.
However, instead of addressing how disappointed I felt that my intimate relationship had ended, or why I was in yet another relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, Dr. B focused on why I liked to be spanked. She kept steering the discussion back to what being submissive must mean in the grand scheme of things. Did I think I was bad? Did I think sex was bad? Did I think I deserved to be punished? Was I working out my relationship with my parents? Was it oedipal?
No, I kept telling her: I wasn’t hit as a kid, I was never abused by my parents, I’ve never dated an abusive man, and I’d never hit my own kids. But week after week, she’d ask me these same questions, and I’d have to tell her, nope, I still don’t hate myself, and I still wasn’t abused as a kid.
Eventually, our therapist-patient relationship ended, too, when I realized Dr. B didn’t get it and likely never would. I’d gotten over my conflict, and there she was bringing it up again. I may be a submissive, but I wasn’t going to put up with my shrink’s judgment!
I’m still coming to terms with my feminist beliefs, and how they interact with my desire for submissive sex, especially my spanking fetish. At this point in my life, at 25, I finally feel comfortable choosing to be submissive in a relationship with a man in the bedroom, as long as he is choosing to behave in a dominant way and he respects me outside of the bedroom. My love of a good spanking is not a conflict for me anymore. In fact, I respect myself more than I ever did for knowing exactly what pleases me and not being afraid to ask for it.
It took me far too many years to realize that it wasn’t very feminist of me to police my own sexuality, to label it “good for feminism” or “bad for feminism.” It is what it is! After I saw “Milk,” the movie about gay rights activist Harvey Milk, I decided I wanted to be someone who completely owns her sexuality, even if it’s not mainstream. I’m not ashamed anymore, and I don’t have to pussyfoot around asking for what I really want: I absolutely have to be submissive and spanked often, if not all the time, in order to enjoy sex.
Even though my sex life is the best it has ever been, it’s more important to me that I’ve figured out how I define my feminism for myself. The thrills of a dom/sub relationship might not work for other women and men who use the same “feminist” label that I do, but I’m not worrying about them anymore. I know I can enjoy a bedroom dynamic which, outside the bedroom, wouldn’t be acceptable. And I can still call myself a feminist.
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It’s not often that thanks to Victorian-era erotica, a 15-year-old girl experiences a sexual epiphany. But that’s exactly what happened to Katherine* during her sophomore year of high school.
When her debate team stopped at a bookstore on an out-of-town trip, a friend purchased a book of 19th century sex stories. You know what happens next: on the bus ride home, a wide-eyed Katherine pored over one tale about a man and his female servant.
This sexcapade, though, had a special twist: It involved lots of spanking .
“I thought, ‘Oh my God, this is an actual thing ! I’m not the only one who thinks this is interesting!’ ” Recalls now 40-something Katherine. She’s thought about spanking since she was young, but it wasn’t until she became aroused reading that story that she’d desired for a man to spank her in bed.
Women like Katherine aren’t alone: Lots of people are into love taps — over-the-knee or tangled up in intercourse, one item on the foreplay buffet or the main event. “For some people, a good hard smack is going to bring nerve endings to life,” says Dr. Yvonne Fulbright, sexologist and author of Touch Me There: A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots .
It’s tricky to find out how many people are into it, but you don’t have to look further than pop culture to see we’ve got spanks on the brain. Paddling makes appearances everywhere from old episodes of I Love Lucy to the 2004 flick Along Came Polly and Broadway’s hit show Spring Awakening .
Back in 1996, essayist Daphne Merkin shocked New Yorker readers with a frank article about her desire to be spanked by a man; even Justin Timberlake promised in his 2006 single SexyBack , “I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave.” ( Woah , were you talking to Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, or Jessica Biel when you said that, Justin?
The posterior is full of its own nerves, and the bum is also located near the body’s sensory hot spots — a man’s scrotum and a woman’s vulva. A kinky maneuver like spanking is a great way to send ripples through the skin and stimulate that entire area, Fulbright says.
Thomas Roche, a 39-year-old erotica writer in San Francisco, says spanking is “hot, emotionally charged and so intimate” all at once. But for him, the allure of spanking a woman is all the “bodily contact” — a submissive woman’s rear end and all the parts around it.
Spanking is appealing to everyone for different reasons. “Some people like the punishment, role-playing thing, some people just like the spanking part of it. For some people, it’s more innocent,” says Rachel Kramer Bussel, editor of Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica , who wrote passionately about her love of a good spanking on her former Village Voice sex column.
“You have to figure out what part of it you’re interested in exploring so you can explain it to the other person.”
Once you’ve figured out your fantasy, how do you ask for a spanking — or to give a spanking? Well, try renting Secretary , the 2002 movie starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader, and watching it with your sweetie, suggests Bussel. If indie films aren’t your bag, she suggests you find a YouTube video or a site that contains spanking, showing it to your partner and asking what they think about trying it.
Whether you’re the spanker or the spankee, Bussel says to approach the “hey, can we try this” discussion forthrightly but without pressure. Since the subject can sometimes be off-putting, approach the act as something you and your partner just trying, she says, not something you want to do every night (even if you do).
As for how to perform the spanking, there are lots of ways to do it! First, pick a position that feels comfortable for you. For beginners, Roche suggests lying across someone’s lap on a bed so that the spankee’s head is supported. The receiver can also bend over a chair or stand against a wall if that’s more enticing. You can use hands or spank with an implement like a wooden paddle. Sex shops have lots of fun instruments — if your paddle’s covered in fur it becomes a “joke-y, funny prop” and will inject humor into the bedroom, says Bussel.
“It’s not exactly painful, depending on how it’s done,” says Roche. “But if you go too hard, too fast, too far, you can cause a lot of pain. You just want to start soft and explore!” The fleshy part of the rear end, of course, is a great place to start — the backs of the thighs can be more painful and love-tapping the genital area is an “advanced” move beginners should steer clear of, Roche warns. Other areas that you should not hit under any circumstances include the backs of the knees, the tailbone and the spine. “Use common sense,” he says — or just stick to what Roche calls the “sweet spot,” the sensitive area where the butt and upper thigh meet.
In between blows, the spanker can caress the spanked area, fondle the genitals, or gently tug the spankee’s hair — if that’s what the spankee would like. “Afterward, you should talk about it to see if you read [your partner’s] body properly,” he says. Find out if those whimpers of pain were in ecstasy or regret.
But like lots of choices on the kink sexual buffet, spanking is not embraced by everyone. You’ll find that the butt is off-limits for a lot of adults, Fulbright warns. While some people find it exciting to have that area touched, others grapple with the psychological element of letting someone access a “taboo” area, even if your partner isn’t touching anywhere near your anus.
Katherine knows this taboo all too well: Although her interest in sexual spanking dates back to her childhood, it wasn’t until age 37 that she incorporated spanking into her sex life in a way that felt healthy. Her biggest hurdle? Katherine had a physically abusive relationship as a young adult and the first time a sexual partner hit her butt was out of anger, she says. For years, Katherine wrestled with an internal conflict about asking a man to spank her in the context of sex.
Indeed, it’s not hard to see how people who were spanked as children (or physically abused in at any point in life) may cringe at spanking during sex. For lots of us, hitting is scary, angry, and unpredictable.
That’s why trusting your partner is crucial. Roche has been spanking women since he was 17 and he’s seen more than a few “emotional moments” over the years, from women for whom spanking exhumed powerful memories. Therefore, trust goes both ways. “You need to know she’s going to let you know if something is not right,” he says.
One idea? Establish a word or phrase, something other than “stop” or “no” (which people sometimes say when they mean just the opposite), that signifies all spanking must cease immediately. “Let’s do something else,” or, “I’m done with this,” are both good suggestions.
Toying with power dynamics can be as alluring as it is discomforting. When it comes to spanking and gender-roles, baggage about power can enter the bedroom on an express train. Although love taps are certainly not exclusively man-on-woman behavior, anecdotally, guys spanking gals is one of the more common manifestations. Some dudes relish lady-swatting, which makes them feel powerful or manly. Roche, for instance, says he loves the “power aspect.” But other dudes are justifiably freaked out by such a request. Men are, after all, taught never to hit women.
“Men are nervous about this, too!” Says Katherine. “Inflicting pain on a wo
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