Sensual Mmf

Sensual Mmf
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Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture
Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, culture, and entertainment.

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8 expert tips for exploring your sexuality.
After years of wondering if I could ever be intimate with another man, I decided to hook up with a dude my freshman year of college. I figured this "bicurious" thing clearly isn't a phase, since I'd been thinking about it for a few years. The only way I could know for sure if I was actually gay or bi was if tested the waters.
So I did. Alas, I got so drunk in order to have the courage to hook up with another man that I ended up puking midway through our encounter. After the experience, I could not tell you if I was gay or bi. Overall, the experience was "meh," like any really sloppy, drunken hookup regardless of gender.
The thing is, I went about hooking up with a guy all wrong. I had expectations about what I should feel, still struggled with internalized homophobia, and didn't realize that sexuality is a spectrum. I think that's why I felt even more confused after hooking up with a guy.
Still, I'm glad I did explore, and it did eventually lead me to embracing my sexuality, though it took another five years. Nevertheless, there were definitely things I could have done to better prepare myself for exploring sexually with other men. Things I learned years after the fact. Now, with the help of two sexuality experts, I'm going to impart what I wish I knew and had done before (and after) hooking up with my first guy.
You don’t need to jump headfirst into penetrative sex with a man. Porn is a great way to explore your desires in a manner that’s accessible and private.
“As a starting point for acting out sexual fantasies, many people turn to pornography because it offers a ‘safe’ way to explore, especially if you’re a little afraid of acting it out or don’t know how to go about it,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller , research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author Tell Me What You Want .
For bicurious men specifically, Lehmiller notes there are plenty of pornos out there which feature bicurious themes. “So that’s probably the easiest starting point for getting a sense of what you do and don’t like,” he says.
"Apps and chat rooms using sexting and video chats are great ways to explore how you feel about engaging sexually with men before jumping into the deep end and scheduling your first hook-up," says Jor-El Caraballo , a licensed mental health professional who works largely with LGBTQ+ clients. It allows you the opportunity to engage with other men sexually without doing anything IRL. (Grindr and Scruff are two good apps to use.)
If after watching some bi/gay porn and talking to some dudes on apps/chat rooms, you’re thinking to yourself, alright, I think I could potentially be into this , it might be time to consider having a threesome with a woman and another man. In Lehmiller’s research on sexual fantasies, he’s found that a lot of bicurious guys report fantasies about mixed-gender threesomes. “I think the appeal of this scenario is that it seems less intimidating than hooking up with just another guy,” he says. “A lot of bicurious guys worry about what it means for their sexuality if they experiment with another guy, so being able to explore that with a woman present might make it less intimidating.”
Exploring bi-curiosity isn't just getting out there and doing it with another guy. “It's important for men to understand that we live in sex-phobic and homophobic culture that helps shape what we see as possible for ourselves and our desires,” says Jor-El. This means that we first have to explore how much of our reluctance might be attributed to cultural attitudes and how much of it is solely our responsibility. “Naming that societal homo- and bi-phobia first is an important step,” he says.
One of the biggest ways to reduce internalized shame and to better understand how your sexuality might not be binary or stagnant (meaning, specifically, that you're not always exclusively gay or straight) is to educate yourself about sexuality. Alas, sex education leaves quite a few things to be desired here in the United States (and abroad, too). Instead of discussing how we come to form our sexual identity, some sex-ed classes never get beyond condoms on cucumbers—or teach abstinence-only curriculum.
"Because we live in a culture that has [negative] perspectives on bisexuality and same-sex attraction, it's important to gain exposure to alternative perspectives," Jor-El says. There are two books in particular Jor-El tends to recommend to his clients. The first is Brene Brown's Daring Greatly , which tackles shame resilience. The second is sexologist Dr. Chris Donaghue's book Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture.
When I got to college, I decided I was going to finally explore my same-sex attractions that had been gnawing at me for the past few years. Without going into too many details (you can read about my full experience here ), I left that first encounter feeling even more unsure of my sexual identity. I thought I was going to have this big “aha” moment. I’d kiss his lips and immediately realize, “Woah… I’m gay. I’ve never felt like this when I've been with women.” Or it would become crystal clear I definitely wasn’t into men. Neither happened. In fact, I came to the conclusion after the experience that I was straight, and it took me another five years of hooking up with men to embrace the fact that I am bisexual.
As always, it can be helpful to explore this in the safe space of therapy. "With a LGBTQ+ affirming therapist, you can talk through aspects of your sexuality that seem daunting or frightening to deal with on your own," Joe-El says. "This space will give you the security of a confidential and non-judgmental space where you can make your own decisions about what works best for you without outside pressure."
Personally, seeing a therapist was the most helpful thing when it came to exploring and eventually embracing my same-sex attractions. By the end of my third session, I began calling myself bisexual.
There's this notion that if you so much as kiss a man once, you must be gay or bisexual. This makes it particularly scary and seemingly "binding" when you explore. You fear that if you experiment, and don't like it, people will wrongfully assume you're closeted. You fear that rumors surrounding your sexuality will haunt you for the rest of your life, but here's the truth about experimenting: If you come to the conclusion after hooking up with a guy that you're straight, then you are just as straight as a dude who's never experimented. One sexual act does not define your entire identity. Period.
Now if you're someone like me, who comes to realize, oh yeah, I really can get down hooking up with other men, then welcome to the club, my dude. Your world is about to get a hell of a lot more fun.

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Send your questions for Stoya and Rich to howtodoit@slate.com . Nothing’s too small (or big).
My girlfriend and I had our first threesome a few nights ago, and it was great. We talked about it, and she felt most comfortable trying it out with a guy first (with a woman possibly in the future), and I was fine with that. We found a guy on an app designed for couples looking. I’ve never been naked with another guy outside a locker room, much less seen one hard in person, so I was nervous, but it was actually just comfortable and fun from the get-go. Maybe too comfortable. Things took a turn about halfway through—he was watching her blow me, and I got really, really hard, and to both of our surprise, he asked if he could join her (he went for the … jewels). He had told us he was straight but fine with some man-on-man contact in threesomes; we figured that meant we might touch inadvertently, but nothing more. In the moment, we just kind of went with it, and I came shortly after, possibly harder than I ever have. It was great—except now I feel like I’ve learned something about myself that I don’t really know how to process. My girlfriend seemed unfazed and barely acknowledged it happened, which I sort of appreciate, but I am not sure what to make of this. Can I be bicurious and not know it? Is it just that it was hot in the moment, two people on me at once? I’ve never had a threesome before, much less thought of a guy this way at all, so I’m not sure what to do.
I’m not sure bicurious is really the word, since you seem surprised by a sexual interest in the same gender after an absence of curiosity. Regardless, while you absolutely could attempt to ignore this for the rest of your life, I think your curiosity is a great place to start.
It’s very possible to be sexually interested in a kind of person, a body part, or an activity and not know it. This sometimes happens when the person hasn’t been exposed to whatever the specific is, or hasn’t been exposed to it in a sexual context. Another phenomenon is context-specific arousal—this particular guy, or that particular day, or because you were wearing blue striped socks. Who knows?
So, is it just that it was hot in the moment having two people on you at once? I suggest you dig into that and find out. Try a threesome with your girlfriend and a woman. Try threesomes with other men. Maybe that first guy wants to come back with better boundaries and more thorough negotiation (it’s better to be totally clear in these situations about who’s comfortable with what). If in-person interactions are too difficult to arrange, too risky, or something you don’t want to pursue for other reasons, that’s fine. Maybe read some man-on-man erotica and see what strikes your fancy.
Remember the Kinsey scale is just that—a scale—and not a binary set of categories. Most of us are somewhere in the middle or edges, not 100 percent homo or heterosexual. So what you’ve discovered is that you’re complicated, like most of the rest of us.
Before meeting my girlfriend (I’m a bisexual cis man) in our early 20s, I’d never held hands with anyone in any sort of romantic way, let alone had sex or been in a long-term relationship. She was a little more experienced than me and was understanding as we took things slow for a few weeks before eventually starting to get intimate in any way. After the first time, we continued having fairly vanilla sex for a few months before hitting our stride and starting to try (just a few) new positions. For the first 11 months, we had what I thought to be a fairly healthy physical relationship, having sex two or three times a week, which I was ecstatic about and she continued to enjoy just as much. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, sex became very difficult for her.
She’s a survivor of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Our issue started as a lowered sex drive in her, and our sex became less frequent, dropping to once a week, then once every two, then a month, and so on. Eventually she admitted that not only was it harder for her to get in the mood, but she was now also experiencing pain during sex that she had been embarrassed to bring up for the first few months. I tried to keep up other forms of intimacy as our sexual relationship plateaued at a once-every-two-months basis (it’s been as long as five months in the past). This pace seemed easier for her and less likely to cause the pain. We were eventually able to maintain about a 50 percent success rate, and when it doesn’t work out and we have to stop, I’m always sure to remind her that not being able to finish isn’t the end of the world.
After a number of doctor’s appointments, we learned that the physical issues she was experiencing are common to victims of sexual abuse and were told that physical therapy was our best bet. The doctor gave us a recommendation and informed us that most patients she’s recommended this PT to see real results after about a year of appointments and focused sessions with a therapist (which she was already seeing). Unfortunately, her (and my) financial means pretty much ensure that she hasn’t had the time or money to start PT in the year since then. Now we’ve been dealing with this very passively for two and a half years (the majority of our three-and-a-half-year relationship), and I just feel like I’m the only one putting effort into maintaining what little is left of our physical relationship. Our emotional relationship is the strongest it’s ever been, and we’ve talked at length about wanting to spend the rest of our lives together, but sex and most forms of intimacy haven’t really been a part of our relationship for a long time. We cuddle all the time but she’s rarely receptive to making out or even to taking her shirt off while we lay in bed. More intimate activities like oral sex never happen outside of foreplay before our successful attempts.
She’s finally able to start PT in a few months, so hopefully that does start to make a difference down the road, but in the meantime, I would love to be able to introduce smaller forms of intimacy back into our relationship. She’s said that making out and cuddling without clothes on is often uncomfortable for her because she worries I’ll get too excited and she’ll end up disappointing me, and it seems off the table. Because of this, any new plans to, for example, try making out at a scheduled rate fall by the wayside within a week of agreeing on them. I think the biggest issue now is that it’s easy for us (less so me since I still very much have a sex drive) to give up on even trying, but I don’t want to push because I know how hard it is for her too and I don’t want her to feel obligated to do anything she doesn’t want to. I’m just not sure what is left for me to do as every form of intimacy past cuddling in our underwear and T-shirts seems to be too much of a step, despite both of us desperately wanting to get back some semblance of a healthy sexual relationship. How can I strike that balance between staying supportive and not pushing her too much, but also not just letting our intimacy fizzle out completely just because it seems like a lost cause?
Your girlfriend suffered through months of pain because she was too embarrassed to bring it up, hasn’t had the funds to access the physical therapy recommended by her doctor, and you want more sexual interaction?
Having penetrative sex when there’s pain could be making your girlfriend’s situation worse. The right, supportive thing to do here is to wait. Wait until her body is ready. Wait until her emotions and soul are ready. There’s no acceptable way to push for more here. If you can’t put your sexual desires to the side until she’s physically ready, you may want to consider breaking up and letting her move on.
I’m dating a man who is very set on a particular sex act that I’ve never tried and feel kind of gross about (straight woman). He says he’s encountered women before who didn’t like it either, but they tried it and loved it with him. I feel it is gross and thoughts of having him that close to … this particular body part … really wigs me out. I know I don’t have to do it, but this seems like his main fetish, if you can even call it that. Should I try it, even though the thought stresses me out?
Is it rimming? Is it feet? Is it… gasp … kissing?
Whatever this guy’s kink is, you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. If someone asks you to do something that squicks you out, you are completely within your rights to say, “No, thank you,” or even just “no.” You can turn and flee while screaming if you really feel the need to.
But, clearly, since you’re writing, you either think you do have to on some level, or you aren’t entirely sure about your choice. So how much does this guy mean to you? Is he great and funny and comfortable to be around? Then you might want to consider trying this act that wigs you out. Do you have a difficult time matching with people? Then I would absolutely understand you being willing to do something that grosses you out just in case it turns out to not be so bad.
And I’d love to help you navigate that—aid you in mitigating the gross factor—but I’d really need to know what the particular body part is. Without that detail, the best advice I can give you is to listen to your gut, have an open and thorough conversation with your partner about what he’s into and how you might be willing to accommodate it, and remember you can always stop if it turns out you do dislike the, um, anal? Foot job? Forehead kisses? Good luck.
Like many other women, I have a major roadblock impairing my ability to achieve an orgasm. My therapist and I are going to try EMDR to work on overcoming trauma from sexual molestation when I was a kid, and I’m really hoping that will help, but I was also hoping that you also might have some ideas to help me get over the hump.
When I am nearing orgasm, my brain will sabotage me every time. When I get close,
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