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Key points
Sexual dreams, such as about strangers or new experiences, can sometimes reveal one's hidden needs.
Dreams about old partners could be part of the grief process or simply be out of habit.
Taking action after gaining insight from a dream can help bring closure to unexpressed emotions.
Source: Spectral-Design/Shutterstock
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Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
Goal Setting
Happiness
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
Talk to Someone
Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
Find a Support Group
Find Teletherapy
Trending Topics
Coronavirus Disease 2019
Narcissism
Dementia
Bias
Affective Forecasting
Neuroscience
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted June 11, 2015
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Sexual dreams are obviously a good gauge of your overall libido level, and while Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, he also obsessed in his semi-repressive Victorian times that sex dreams were always about something more .
If you think he's right (minus the mother/father Oedipal whatever), here's a quick guide to some possible ways to decode aspects of your sexual dreams:
You have a sexual dream about this guy you saw in Rite-Aid and then the next night it's about the professor in your statistics class. Such dreams about strangers or acquaintances (and men are more apt to dream about strangers than women do) are usually a good indicator of the state of your libido: Your brain is trying to let you know that those physical needs are not getting met. Find a good and safe way to help your brain out.
How is your sexual experience in your dream different from the usual experience with your partner? Is it something a bit out of the norm, or some new approach that kicks off a new level of excitement? If it's still intriguing in the light of day, maybe it's time to speak up and ask about what that dream may be guiding you toward.
You have a sexual dream, but what sticks with you most when you wake up is not the sex itself but the before and after—the romantic dinner, on-the-couch foreplay, post-coital cuddling, or open conversation and intimacy . These can be clues to how you may want to be treated—perhaps with more kindness and consideration, or more clarity and honesty—or how you need to be , maybe more assertive or more adventurous. Think about it in the context of your current relationship, and if need be, speak up about it.
You're three months into a new and serious relationship with a wonderful person, but the only one you find yourself dreaming about is your ex. There's a closeness in the dream that has long since faded, but in your waking hours, you're wondering why this dream keeps circling back to the old instead of celebrating the new. The problem is that your brain just hasn’t switched gears. Sex with the new person may be triggering old neurological patterns bringing you back to the past. Over time, as you create new experiences and memories, your brain should create new circuits—and your dreams will readjust.
What happens if every time you have a sexual dream, it involves your ex, and there's always some larger backdrop—like a playing out of an old argument, one of you trying to get back with the other, or finding yourself involved with both the old and new relationship at the same time? This dream is less about sex and more about grief and loss, the letting go of the old relationship, and it can take years to unravel and heal. Over time, as you process your grief, such recurring dreams should fade, though you may find that it doesn't make much to get them stirring again—maybe when you hear that your ex's mother has died, or other tangential connections.
If you want to help move the healing process along, or if you particularly notice that your dreams keep circling around certain themes— guilt or regret, for example—you may want to look for other ways of getting closure. Try writing a letter or email to your ex—one that you may not actually send, but that helps you get out of your head all the stuff you never really got to say. Or, if you are really brave and think it is appropriate, go ahead and set up a phone conversation or face-to-face meeting. The aim is not to dig up dirt or reopen old wounds, but simply to say whatever it is that you never got a chance to express.
So there you have it: As you look back over your sexual dream life, you may find other clues that your dreams are giving you about what you need, what you may need to resolve, or what you'll want to pay more attention to. Don't over-analyze or obsess, but do be curious, trust your intuition , and if you can, take action. You'll always have tomorrow night's dreams to tell how well you're doing.
Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., has 45 years of clinical experience. He is the author of 11 books and over 300 articles and provides training nationally and internationally.
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
No, your sex dream about a coworker doesn't mean you should leave your partner.
Sophie Saint Thomas is a New York-based writer originally from the Caribbean. She is Allure ’s resident astrologer and the author of Finding Your Higher Self: Your Guide to Cannabis for Self-Care (Adams Media), a guide to self-care and marijuana, and [*Sex Witch: Magickal Spells for Love, Lust, and... Read more
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Trigger warning: This piece mentions sexual assault and PTSD.
Sex dreams can be incredibly hot — or leave you waking up in a panic, depending on the context. Some nights, you may wake up confused and scared if your dream was about cheating, an ex, or past trauma. On a better night, you may wake up on top of the world after a sex dream about Rihanna . But according to clinical psychologist and sleep expert Michael Breus , sex dreams of all kinds are perfectly normal and even healthy. "Sexual dreams appear to start when a child is going through puberty," Breus tells Allure . While Breus says most people have fewer sexual dreams after puberty, they don't end there altogether. In fact, sex therapist Holly Richmond says that about 80 percent of her clients talk to her about their erotic dreams.
You may be one of those people who doesn't dream much ; on the other hand, you may be lucky enough to experience lucid dreaming . For many of us, the pandemic has even affected our dreams . But if you're worried about the erotic content of your slumber, the experts say common sex dream scenarios include exes, celebrities, cheating, and can even be accompanied by orgasms. There are also nightmares that can be sexual in nature but disturbing, especially if you are a rape survivor and experience PTSD. Or, you may simply unearth some new fantasies during your slumber and feel unsure how to navigate the experience. To better understand why we have sex dreams, the different types, and what they mean, Allure spoke with several experts to break it down. Spoiler alert: The brain loves to dream about the forbidden.
Often we have sex dreams about those who are off-limits, such as our boss or a coworker. These dreams are prevalent, says Richmond, but rather than indicating that you're actually lusting after your boss, the dream is likely about office power dynamics. "There's a relationship dynamic in which you need to control more, and it's getting played out sexually. There's so rarely a real sexual component to this. If you feel yucky when you wake up, trust that. You don't want to have sex with this person, and there's some other dynamic," Richmond says.
So don't be embarrassed — office-related sex dreams are pretty common.
Why would our mind waste our precious sleep by having sex with someone we don't even like? Well, let's think about actual "hate fucking." What comes to mind? You probably think of hot sex with someone you don't like or are mad at, and during sex, you get to expend that energy sexually. Richmond says that, like with our bosses, when we have sex dreams about someone we dislike, it's likely much more about power dynamics than actual sex. "Dreams can communicate a lot — it's just not always a direct connection," Richmond says.
Sex dreams about celebrities are widespread, according to experts. So what do they mean? Well, the answer here is pretty simple: They likely mean that we are attracted to that celebrity. "These can range from crushes to sexual prowess and agency and feeling like we can get someone who is out of reach. Those are really common, too, and they're usually an ego boost," Richmond says. So what should we do about them? Have fun with them; it's unlikely you'll ever bang this celebrity in real life (sorry). And no, having sex with a celeb in your dreams does not count as cheating.
Sex dreams that involve exes are one of the most complicated to wake up from. Unlike celebrity sex dreams, exes are people we usually have a very complex history with, and having them can result in complicated feelings. Ex-sex dreams don't directly translate to wanting to have sex with our former partner, but we usually dream about an ex with whom we have unresolved emotions. "There is some relational dynamic that needs to be worked out. What were you trying to communicate through sex? Do you want a new understanding? Did you want to take your power back? There's usually unfinished business, and it's not sexual," Richmond says.
Sex dreams run on the forbidden. Michael Friedman , a sleep specialist and otolaryngologist says this is why we are more likely to have sex dreams about exes, bosses, celebrities, and even platonic friends than the person we share a bed with. You may be attracted to this friend, or perhaps the sex dream is simply happening because this is someone you can't have sex with. Either way, don't worry about being a perv or about cheating if you're in a committed relationship. "It's very normal, and it's just human nature. It doesn't imply anything wrong or a conscious desire to be unfaithful; it's just part of being human," Friedman says.
Other times, we have dreams that feel like a sexual version of being back at school, except instead of forgetting your homework, you are naked, and everyone is laughing at you. Richmond says examples include people waking up from a dream that they engaged in sexual activities that they may never have thought of doing in real life, such as a gang bang or bukkake.
While for some people, such sexual fantasies are totally normal (and others engage in them consensually), with this type of dream, the one doing the dreaming does not have any desire to engage in such scenarios. When they wake up, they are horrified . Our imaginations can think up a slew of scenarios, so if you have sex dreams that leave you feeling shameful or embarrassed, remind yourself that it was only a dream.
Richmond says her office is filled with clients who have sex dreams involving a gender they aren't normally attracted to. She says it's mostly straight women who have dreams about lesbian sex , even if they don't actually want to be with a woman in real life. Many people enjoy porn with genders they don't date, and it's OK to be turned on by sexual acts that don't match up exactly with your existing sex life. However, if you are unfulfilled, as Richmond suggests, assess what about the fantasy turns you on and then find ways to integrate it into your relationship.
Yes, some people have sex dreams about the person they are with, rather than a celebrity or the one who got away. However, Friedman says that as many sex dreams contain a forbidden aspect, dreams about your partner usually occur early in the relationship or in situations where you are separated. "They are definitely more common early in the relationship or when the relationship is not readily available than for couples who have been together for longer periods," Friedman says. So what should you do if you're experiencing sex dreams about your partner? Well, enjoy them, of course.
A public bathroom, your childhood home, a sex party : Sometimes, sex dreams take place in locations we don't usually go to get it on. As we've established, sex dreams thrive on the forbidden. "There's usually an element of freedom, of wanting, of longing for whatever the situation is," explains Richmond. Is there a kink you want to try but haven't yet explored, such as exhibitionism and having people watch, or getting it on somewhere you risk getting caught? Use these sexual fantasy dreams to gauge what you want and then apply them to your sex life in a manner that's comfortable for you.
Sexual assault is not sex , and including PTSD dreams in this article is in no way meant to suggest such. However, one in every six women has been the survivor of a completed or attempted sexual assault, and LGBTQ+ people are nearly four times more likely to be victims of violent crime, including rape and sexual assault. So, because PTSD dreams stemming from a sexual assault are common , we asked the experts about them.
"PTSD is an entirely different animal altogether," says Breus. If you have a dream stemming from a sexual assault, perhaps "nightmare" is the better word. It's important to understand that you aren't alone. Richmond says she has clients who have PTSD dreams frequently right after the assault, and others still have them even if the assault occurred years ago. "It's the body processing something," says Richmond. "Typically, there is a little bit of difference in the dream, or the dream doesn't get far enough to its conclusion. It will be 'I was about to be raped by my perpetrator, and then I woke up,'" she says.
If you are experiencing PTSD dreams, you can call the RAINN hotline , and someone will talk to you or refer you to a therapist. You can also contact your insurance company to find an in-network therapist or do a quick Google search to see who is available in your area. "I remind them that at some p
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