Senior Couple

Senior Couple
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Penelope was a PR in London in the 70’s, then a Hollywood researcher. She was a freelance magazine journalist and teacher. Now she writes!
Explore some romance tips for older adults!
It can be very scary launching into romance after years of habitual 'coupledom'. Those sweet kisses, that wonderful late-night sex, the romantic compliments, and the way you felt about each other's bodies that fueled your love for years at the beginning of your relationship might be sadly filed away. The idea of being close in those romantic familiar ways hasn't crossed your mind for ages. Or has it?
Is it that you've become too embarrassed physically or too set in those 'older couple' ways to feel romantically inclined once again? You'd like to. Maybe you're stuck in a mold. Both of you.
It doesn't have to stay that way. Being romantic, becoming intimate, feeling your sexual love can go on till we are way into our 90s (sexologists assure us), because we have those intimate urges and we have those needs.
We could turn a few pages in our daily habits book if we want to. We could move away from being the parents to our teenagers, or the old fud at the office, the golf leader, or the do-gooder (or whatever it is we see ourselves as now), and we can move on to a new page and enjoy our new older-couple selves. Like thousands of other happily romantic couples, we can feel re-fired by each other, again and again.
If that's scary (there's a lot of cobwebs to break through, after all), then here are a few tried and tested tips for romance for older couples.
If your partner and you don't have a serious rift between you, so serious that you need outside help, then you can make these moves towards being intimate and comfortable inside your relationship again. They are simple moves for men and women, and you don't have to do them intensely. Slowly and gradually is obviously fine and a lot more fun. Anticipation is very romantic.
And last but not least, for both men and women:
These mini-steps to change are actually maxi steps because doing any of these things means re-thinking your priorities each day. Instead of making the usual list of things to do, you're now putting things on the list that are just for you, for romance, and for your love. And it's about time, too! Those always used to come first.
Take a romantic trip to get out of your rut!
A break from everything that is familiar is a challenge. Challenges bring out different responses in each of us that are bound to be Interesting. That's good.
Late in life, we tend to admit that we can do without more challenges! We don't feel we need them anymore (and we are quite entitled to this!) because we have "been there, done that, and wear the T shirt." Certainly, if someone offered me the chance to sit quietly and read a book, or run around the block three times, I know which one I'd choose, and it isn't running anywhere.
Unchallenged, however, we get soft—and that's a problem. Here are some left-side romance tips for older couples to strengthen up and show some muscle (or something).
Instead of going on those predictable genteel holiday weekends at country inns, on the beaches of Seychelles, or to the theater in New York for a romantic getaway (which would be wonderful), why not go on a journey to throw all your marbles up in the air and see where they come down—together.
The reasoning behind accepting such a challenge is that the situations are unpredictable. This means you'll need to tap into aspects of your personalities you've maybe left dormant for some time and re-learn who you are (or were). These characteristics will get you going again. And if the experience isn't a great success, well, at least coming home again will be fantastic. (Oh, you can go to New York, too, if you want!)
What you want is some vitalizing fresh air rammed into your possibly otherwise complacent life that's so filled with habits that you've become without oomph . Get the oomph going, and it's fun again. There's the true adage "When you smile, the whole world smiles with you."
Fun breaks the ice, and a kiss is easier. Try kissing anyway, soft little kisses full of love. (Oh, you can kiss hard, too, if you want!)
A USA Federally funded survey published in The New England Journey of Medicine stated that:
At the end of the day, it was undoubtedly and agreeably lovely to get into bed with your partner and enjoy each other sensually. That easy intimacy and pleasure kept you connected. Time passes, the children, the job, some extra weight, illness, whatever, life happens and slowly those often-times of pleasure can slip gradually away.
But you are still together are you not? It can't just be about practical stuff!? Can it? Back in the recesses of your joined selves are the memories of all the romance and passion. You just have to tap the back of your mind and body a little, literally.
Agreed, there's an age for everything but being older doesn't mean that being romantic and being sensual together is over with. I'd beg to differ, 'far from it'. Please read the survey figures in the column on the right.
It's time to haul those hours back in, literally reach out, look unashamedly seductive, and aim to please:
Basically, it's down to doing what you said you'd do a while back when you nonchalantly said, "I miss being close with you, so don't be surprised if I plan on doing something romantic with you very soon."
Have a lot of fun, get out of yourself—and into her or him. Make some music happen. Tra la le ra.
Question: Is it possible that at 78 years old it is not possible for women to have sex even when they would like it?
Answer: It is possible that at 78 a woman has the possibility to have sex because she would be having sexual stimulation. Without sexual stimulation she wouldn’t be interested.

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Older Couples Are Increasingly Living Apart. Here’s Why

Poll: American Seniors Have Active Sex Lives
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T hree years ago, William Mamel climbed a ladder in Margaret Sheroff’s apartment and fixed a malfunctioning ceiling fan. “I love that you did this,” Sheroff exclaimed as he clambered back down.
Spontaneously, Mamel drew Sheroff to him and gave her a kiss. “I kind of surprised her. But she was open to it,” he remembered.
Since then, Mamel, 87, and Sheroff, 74, have become a deeply committed couple. “Most nights, I’ll have dinner with Marg and many nights I stay with her overnight,” Mamel explained.
And yet, despite the romance, these North Carolina seniors live in separate houses and don’t plan to move in together or marry. Demographers call this type of relationship “living apart together” (LAT).
“It’s a new, emerging form of family, especially among older adults, that’s on the rise,” said Laura Funk, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Manitoba in Canada who’s written about living apart together .
Questions abound about these unconventional couplings. What effects will they have on older adults’ health and well-being? Will children from previous marriages accept them? What will happen if one partner becomes seriously ill and needs caregiving?
Researchers are beginning to focus on these concerns, said Susan Brown, chair of the sociology department and co-director of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. “It’s really remarkable that older adults are in the vanguard of family change,” she said.
How many older adults are in LAT relationships? According to a 2005 survey by the National Social Life, Health, and Aging Project , 7% of individuals between 57 and 85 years old described themselves as living apart together. (Some experts contend the measure used in this survey was too broad, allowing couples who are dating to be included.)
Last month, at the annual meeting of the Population Association of America in Denver, Huijing Wu, a graduate student in sociology at Bowling Green State University, presented an analysis of nearly 7,700 Wisconsin adults age 50 and older surveyed in 2011. Married couples accounted for 71.5% of that group, single people accounted for 20.5%, and people who were “partnered but unmarried” accounted for 8%.
Of the partnered group, 39% were in LAT relationships, according to a more focused definition of this arrangement, compared with 31% who were dating (a less committed, shorter-term relationship) and 30% who were cohabiting.
Jacquelyn Benson, an assistant professor of human development and family science at the University of Missouri, is among a handful of researchers who have studied the experiences of older people in LAT relationships. “Older adults really see this as a lifestyle choice, not a relationship of convenience,” she said.
Benson’s 2016 study of 25 older adults (from 60 to 88 years old) in LAT relationships found various motivations for these partnerships. Seniors wanted to have “intimate companionship” while maintaining their own homes, social circles, customary activities and finances, she discovered. Those who’d been divorced or in unhappy earlier marriages didn’t want to tie themselves down again and believed a degree of distance was preferable to day-to-day togetherness.
Also, several women who’d cared previously for sick parents or husbands wanted to avoid assuming caregiving responsibilities or the burden of running a household again.
“It’s a been-there-done-that attitude,” Brown explained. “I took care of my husband, I reared my children, and now it’s my time.”
Caregiving is a thorny issue, on multiple fronts. The only known study to look at caregiving in LAT relationships, out of the Netherlands, found that about half of partners planned to provide care, if needed — a sign of ambivalence. But when illness entered the picture, partners offered assistance nonetheless.
“People in LAT relationships forget there’s going to be this emotional entanglement and they won’t just be able to walk away,” Benson said.
Other complications can arise if adult children resent or fail to recognize their older parent’s outside-of-marriage relationship. “In some cases, when a partner wants to step in and have a say, they’ve been pushed out by family members,” Benson noted.
One older woman in her study learned that her partner had been placed in a nursing home by his family only when she couldn’t reach him at home anymore. “They didn’t include her in the conversation at all,” Benson said, “and she was pretty upset about it.”
Only a few studies have evaluated the quality of LAT relationships, which has implications for seniors’ well-being. One found that older adults in these relationships tend to be less happy and receive less support from partners than people who are married. Another, presented at last year’s Population Association of America meeting, found that the quality of LAT relationships isn’t as strong as it is for marriages.
That hasn’t been true for Luci Dannar, 90, who’s been involved with James Pastoret, 94, for almost seven years, after meeting him at a dance at a Columbia, Mo., senior center.
“The first feeling I had for Jim was sorrow because he seemed to be grieving from his wife’s death five months before,” said Dannar, whose husband and oldest daughter both passed away 19 years ago. “I thought maybe I could be helpful to this man because I’d been through those deaths.”
After getting to know Pastoret and realizing she liked him, Dannar laid down her terms. “I told him, I don’t ever want to get married and he said ‘I don’t either,’” she remembered. “And I said if you have a jealous bone in your body, don’t darken my door again. Because I lived 53 years with a jealous husband, and I never want to go through that again.”
Neither wanted to give up their apartments in a retirement community, about 300 steps from each other. “I like my independence,” said Pastoret, who taught in the school of natural resources at the University of Missouri for 33 years. “When I go home at night after supper with Lucy, I’m very happy to be by myself.”
“He comes over at 5 every evening and leaves here about 9, and then I have two hours by myself — my private time,” Dannar said. “We really like our space, our time alone, and we don’t need to be together 24 hours a day.”
Unlike some other older LAT couples, they’ve talked about the future and toured assisted living centers together. “Someday, if he needs me to help him or I need him to help me, we will probably rent an apartment together, with our own bedrooms, and hire extra help,” Dannar said. “Our plan is to take care of each other until one of us is gone or we go into a nursing home.”
William Mamel is already making good on a similar promise to Margaret Sheroff, who had a mass removed from her gallbladder late last year and recently was hospitalized with complications from chemotherapy.
“With her in the hospital, I spend most of my days there,” said Mamel, who was a good friend of Sheroff’s with his wife of 37 years, Betty Ann, who passed away 2½ years ago. “Being caregivers for each other isn’t even a question.”
Their situation is complicated by Sheroff’s guardianship for her husband, John, who has advanced dementia and resides in a nursing home. “Marriage isn’t in the picture for us, but that doesn’t matter,” Sheroff said. “We’re taking one day at a time and enjoying being together.”
“Just to be able to have someone that you can wake up with in the morning and talk to, someone to have coffee with and see the smile on their face, is such a blessing,” she continued. “At this time of life, it’s really, really important to have someone in your life who’s there for you.”
Kaiser Health News (KHN) is a nonprofit news service covering health issues. It is an editorially independent program of the Kaiser Family Foundation that is not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

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Sexuality is the way we experience and express ourselves sexually. It involves feelings, desires, actions, and identity, and can include many different types of physical touch or stimulation. Intimacy is a feeling of closeness and connectedness in a relationship that can occur with or without a physical component.
Aging brings life transitions that can create opportunities for older adults to redefine what sexuality and intimacy mean to them. Some older adults strive for both a sexual and intimate relationship, some are content with one without the other, and still others may choose to avoid these types of connections.
The following information is for older adults who want sexuality and intimacy in their lives. Included are common aging-related challenges and opportunities, and approaches to consider making the most of individual situations in these areas.
Sexuality is often affected by one’s emotional and physical state. How you physically feel may affect what you are able to do and how you emotionally feel may affect what you want to do.
Many older couples find greater satisfaction in their sex lives than they did when they were younger. They may have fewer distractions, more time and privacy, and no worries about getting pregnant. They also may be better able to express what they want and need, which can offer an opportunity for greater intimacy and connection.
Normal aging also brings physical changes that can sometimes interfere with the ability to have and enjoy sex. As we age, our bodies change, including our weight, skin, and muscle tone. Some older adults don’t feel comfortable in their aging bodies. They may worry that their partner will no longer find them attractive. Health conditions can cause physical problems, along with stress and worry, that can get in the way of intimacy or enjoying a fulfilling sex life.
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