Self Love alone
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Self Love alone
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Written by Sharon Martin, LCSW on May 31, 2019
Written by Sharon Martin, LCSW on May 31, 2019
Medically reviewed by Kendra Kubala, PsyD
Medically reviewed by Matthew Boland, PhD
Medically reviewed by Marney White, PhD, MS
Medically reviewed by Jeffrey Ditzell, DO
Medically reviewed by Nathan Greene, PsyD
Medically reviewed by Jeffrey Ditzell, DO
Medically reviewed by N. Simay Gökbayrak, PhD
© 2005-2022 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Psych Central does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. See additional information .
© 2005-2022 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Psych Central does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. See additional information .
Theres a lot of talk these days about self-love. It sounds great, but what does it actually mean? How do we love ourselves and why does it matter?
Self-love means that you accept yourself fully, treat yourself with kindness and respect, and nurture your growth and wellbeing.
Self-love encompasses not only how you treat yourself but also your thoughts and feelings about yourself. So, when you conceptualize self-love, you can try to imagine what you would do for yourself, how youd talk to yourself, and how youd feel about yourself that reflects love and concern.
When you love yourself, you have an overall positive view of yourself. This doesnt mean you feel positive about yourself all the time. That would be unrealistic! For example, I can temporarily feel upset, angry, or disappointed with myself and still love myself. If this is confusing, think about how this works in other relationships. I can love my son even though I sometimes feel angry or disappointed with him. Even in the midst of my anger and disappointment, my love for him informs how I relate to him. It allows me to forgive him, consider his feelings, meet his needs, and make decisions that will support his wellbeing. Self-love is very much the same. Which means, if you know how to love others, you know how to love yourself!
The following are examples of what self-love can look like in action.
If you grew up without any models for self-love or anyone who talked to you about the importance of being good to yourself, you might question its value.
Well, without self-love, youre likely to be highly self-critical and fall into people-pleasing and perfectionism. Youre more likely to tolerate abuse or mistreatment from others. You may neglect your own needs and feelings because you dont value yourself. And you may self-sabotage or make decisions that arent in your own best interest.
Self-love is the foundation that allows us to be assertive, set boundaries and create healthy relationships with others, practice self-care, pursue our interests and goals, and feel proud of who we are.
In addition to questioning whether self-love is really necessary, another big barrier to self-love is the belief that its narcissistic or selfish.
When psychologists and therapists encourage self-love, they arent talking about putting yourself on a pedestal above everyone else. Narcissists believe theyre better than others and wont acknowledge or take responsibility for their mistakes and flaws. They also seek extraneous amounts of external validation and recognition. Narcissists also lack empathy for others.
Self-love, on the other hand, isnt about showing off how great you are. People who love themselves in a healthy way know that they are flawed and make mistakes and they accept and care about themselves despite their imperfections. Self-love doesnt prevent you from caring about others; it simply means you can give yourself the same kindness that you give to others.
Often, when things are hard to do, we avoid them. You might notice that you have thoughts like these:
Ill take a break and focus on myself after Ive taken care of my family.
Noticing my feelings and journaling sounds like a lot of work.
Im afraid I wont be able to change.
I want to be less self-critical, but I dont know how.
I know this relationship isnt good for me, but I dont want to be alone.
Ive been surviving on five hours of sleep for years, so it cant be that bad.
Its normal to be ambivalent about self-love or making any change. However, loving yourself doesnt mean you have to change everything about your life. Just try to treat yourself a little better than you did yesterday.
To get started, I suggest that you identify one loving thing you can do for yourself today. It could be a supportive thought or action. Next, write down what youre going to do and when youll do it. Writing it down increases accountability and makes it more likely that youll follow through. As you add more and more loving thoughts and actions to your daily life, theyll begin to crowd out some of your self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. With practice, self-love will become second nature.
If you’d like more ideas for practicing self-love, try these articles: 9 Simple Ways to Love Yourself and 9 More Ways to Love Yourself .
2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photo by Radu Florin on Unsplash .
Using Your Own Love Language to Show Self-love
Everyone could use a little bit more of a TLC. But then, not everyone is blessed with a supportive family and healthy relationships. In reality, love and care should start from within. There is no reason to wait for someone else to love, take care of you, and make you happy. You are responsible for your own health, happiness, and wellness. That is why experts advise not to take self-love for granted.
There is a multitude of ways to show yourself some love and care. But what better way to do this than by using your own love languages to pamper yourself? Whether your love language is physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, or receiving gifts, you can use the concept of love languages to empower yourself.
According to Gary Chapman, every person has different ways of showing love and affection. You’ve been showering your loved ones your own way of love languages. The best way to give yourself a break and turn yourself into a better, healthier, and happier individual is to treat yourself with the kind of love language you deserve.
You might be the kind of person who loves giving gifts, treating their loved ones with their comfort food, or surprising them with trinkets here and there. But when was the last time you treated yourself to something nice just because you think you deserve it? You may have a limited budget, but that does not mean you should skip self-gifting every once in a while.
You don’t need to buy expensive items just to make yourself happy. Think of something you really need, like, or love. If you can’t find anything, local stores selling vintage items are sure to put a smile on your face.
If you are the kind who has always some good and positive to say about others, your love language might be words of affirmation. But then, most people are into negative self-talk . It is time that you change all that by treating yourself with powerful words of affirmation.
Change negative words into “I can”, “I will”, and “I am”. Stop telling yourself that your plans are impossible, that there is no way you can achieve your dreams, or that it is hard to be a better version of yourself. Say positive things to yourself in the mirror and turn writing on your gratitude journal into a daily routine.
One might think that it is impossible to practice acts of service to yourself. But in reality, it is easier than one might think. The trick is to think of ways you can make your daily life easier and less stressful.
For one, think of ways you can become more productive without adding additional stress to yourself. This can mean sticking to a cleaning schedule to avoid piling up your weekend chores. It can also mean cooking healthier meals for yourself instead of relying on unhealthy comfort foods.
Don’t forget about the tasks that will give you ultimate pleasure upon completion. For instance, your hobby before was cross-stitching . Completing your piece will give you pleasure knowing you were able to complete a task you love doing.
Some people love being held and cuddled. But when you are single or your partner is into physical touch, you might be craving this type of affection. The good news is, there are ways you can do it yo yourself.
For one, you can give yourself a massage while resting or get pampered by a pro. Incorporate skincare into your everyday routine. Enjoy a longer shower or a bubble bath and lather on your favorite products as treat after a tiring day at work.
Spending some alone time can be impossible when you don’t live alone and you have tons of things to do each day. But treating yourself with quality alone time is good for your mental health . So, make it a point to set aside enough time to be alone while doing the things you love.
Set aside at least one hour each day to meditate, exercise, go on a walk, read a book, or simply doing anything to slow down. Clear your schedule and make time for personal development activities. This will help you make the most out of your time while gaining new knowledge and skills.
Some people have multiple love languages. Identifying what your love language is and using this for your own health and wellness is the best way to show yourself some love. Remember that you deserve all the love you can give. It will be easier to shower your loved ones with your love and affection if you too make time to give yourself the love it deserves.
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There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may short-change the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.
Posted June 29, 2017
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Reviewed by Devon Frye
Self-compassion is a way of relating to yourself that does not involve harshly judging or punishing yourself for every mistake you make, or every time someone does better than you. Research on self-compassion shows that it is associated with:
Kristin Neff, the pioneer of self-compassion research, describes it as follows:
“Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d show to a good friend. When faced with difficult life struggles, or confronting personal mistakes, failures, and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.” (Neff & Dahm, 2015)
Self-compassion has three separate but related aspects:
1. Mindfulness : Having an open, curious, non-judging attitude; not over-identifying with negative stories about the self.
2. Self-kindness: Treating yourself kindly, rather than harshly. Extending the same care and support to yourself that you would to a good friend or loved one.
3. Common humanity: Allowing yourself to be human, to make mistakes and learn from them. Knowing that as humans we are not perfect, nor should we be expected to act flawlessly.
In my clinical practice, I teach self-compassion to all of my clients, and I am always impressed by how much it can transform their relationship with themselves and promote healthier ways of living. Self-compassion is much more effective in changing behavior than trying to motivate yourself with shame and self-criticism. Shame and self-criticism lead to inner rebellion and giving up, while self-compassion gives you hope and helps you trust the process of change.
To become more self-compassionate yourself, try to follow these 7 steps:
1. Recognize that you are experiencing emotional distress or mental suffering.
Adopt a mindful attitude in which you deliberately pay attention to your inner experience so that you can notice when you are beginning to shift into a negative state. The minute you realize that you are thinking negative thoughts about yourself or feeling anxiety in your body, stop and say to yourself, "This is a difficult moment," or, "I’m feeling distress in my mind and body.”
2. Accept that the feeling is there.
Make a conscious decision to sit with whatever negative feeling is there and try to accept it—because it’s there anyway—rather than pushing it away. If it’s a negative thought, look for the underlying emotion (anxiety, sadness, or anger ), or scan your body to see where you feel tension or discomfort. You may feel it in your chest, belly, shoulders, throat, face, jaw, or other areas.
3. Imagine what you might feel if you saw a loved one experiencing this feeling.
In your mind’s eye, imagine your loved one being scared or sad or feeling bad about themselves. Then think about what you might feel. Perhaps you would feel the urge to help or comfort them. Try to direct this compassionate mindset toward yourself. If you notice any resistance or thoughts of “I don’t deserve compassion,” acknowledge them, and try to direct compassion to yourself anyway. You may want to ask yourself why you think others deserve compassion but not you.
4. Challenge your negative story about yourself.
If you can't feel compassion for yourself because you feel undeserving or “bad,” try to think about this as an old story. Notice the old story of why you are bad. Now find a way to challenge this interpretation. If you acted in an unhealthy or irresponsible way, ask yourself if there were circumstances that influenced your behavior. Perhaps you experienced past trauma , or you were caught in a stressful situation. Now make a commitment to try to learn from the experience, rather than beat yourself up over it. Other ways to challenge the story are to ask yourself if you’re seeing things in black or white, if you’re being too judgmental, or if you’re seeing the situation from only one perspective. Are there other, kinder ways to view the situation? Are you expecting yourself to be perfect, rather than allowing yourself to be human?
5. Think about how everybody messes up sometimes.
It’s tempting to think that you are uniquely messed up, while everyone else is a paragon of virtue. In fact, even the most successful people make serious mistakes. Think about all the mistakes politicians make. But making a mistake doesn’t undo all of your accomplishments and successes. Neff cites “common humanity” as an aspect of self-compassion: Humans are learning, developing beings rather than finished products. We're all works
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