Self Bondage Safety

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Self Bondage Safety

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Curious About Bondage? 9 Things You Need To Know Before You Go There
For starters, there's a major difference between being tied up and tied down.
1. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
2. Don't get too caught up in copying what you see in the movies.
3. Understand the difference between being tied up and tied down.
4. Only restrain one part at a time.
6. Then consider bondage tape or ribbon.
9. But be prepared for emergencies, just in case.
Zahra Barnes joined SELF in November 2015, working on the Culture and Health teams before eventually becoming Executive Editor. She has spent her career as a reporter and editor covering people's lives with a focus on wellness.
Zahra specializes in sexual, reproductive, and mental health, all with the goal of destigmatizing... Read more
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If you immediately think of Christian Grey's 50 Shades of Grey Red Room when you hear the word "bondage," there's some good news: it doesn't always have to be that intense! (But of course, it can be if you want it to.) Even if you find the idea of the B in BDSM (bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism) intriguing, you don't have to dive in headfirst. Instead, sex experts recommend dipping a toe into the bondage pool before you really give it your all. Here, one shares some insight into how to start exploring the world of bondage.
Embarking upon a new sexual adventure makes talking about what's going on more important than ever. "Let them know if you’re feeling uncomfortable, and ask how they’re doing periodically," Jess O'Reilly , Ph.D., Astroglide’s resident sexologist, tells SELF. It might also be a smart idea to come up with a safe word, which is a word or phrase either of you can say when you need a time out from the intensity.
Or in pornography, or any other staged bondage depictions you may come across. "They may be beautiful, but they represent expert bondage scenes performed under supervision, and the models may have only held that pose for a few seconds," says O'Reilly. Instead, take it slowly and don't think you have to experience pain or intense anxiety for it to qualify as bondage.
They may sound interchangeable, but they're two distinct things. Being tied up means having a body part restricted, like having your wrists tied together, says O'Reilly. On the other hand, you're tied down when you're attached to something else, like a chair. Very good to know the difference when you and your partner are talking about your sex fantasies !
While keeping an open mind during sex can definitely be a good thing, trying too many things at once is an easy way to become overwhelmed. That's why O'Reilly suggests experimenting by restraining only one part of your body at a time rather than going for the whole shebang. "You don't need to be tied down spread-eagle to enjoy the erotic appeal of bondage," says O'Reilly.
A huge box of materials isn't required to figure out whether you like bondage. O'Reilly suggests neckties, scarves, and stockings as a good starting point. Not only will you potentially save money if bondage isn't your thing, you'll also know your way around them much better than you would a new toy.
If you're more intrigued after using household supplies to hold each other down, think about making bondage tape or ribbon your first bondage-specific purchase. "Even though it comes in a roll like duct tape, it isn’t sticky. It sticks to itself with an electrostatic cling," says O'Reilly. Science! "You simply wrap it around—keeping it flat—and press it against itself to hold it in place," she says, explaining that it's particularly great because of its versatility. "You can use it to bind body parts together or strap your partner to furniture without causing damage, and you can even create a kinky outfit using tape over your chest, pelvic region, or legs."
Once you feel comfortable, you can graduate to more intense bondage toys like handcuffs. And if you're obsessed with the idea of being tied to your bed but lack the all-important headboard, there's hope for you yet! O'Reilly recommends buying an under-the-bed restraint system that connects to your mattress instead.
Using household items is especially good for this aspect. Since you know them more intimately than you do with brand-new toys, you can make sure you're both comfortable when you use them. "Leave a little space for your partner’s skin to breathe and to ensure adequate circulation," says O'Reilly. "If you’re tying your partner up near one of their joints, add a little extra space between the bonds and their skin." Good blood flow is important for sex, and just life in general. Check in with each other every few minutes to see if whoever's being restrained is feeling any tingling or numbness, as that can be a sure sign that the restraints are too tight.
Creativity is the name of the game when it comes to all kinds of sex, especially bondage. Although lying on your back while tied up might be the first position that comes to mind, there are so many others to try! Here are a few of O'Reilly's suggestions for starters: "Bend over a chair and have your wrists tied to its arms, stand against a wall with your hands restrained behind your back, get on all fours and have your ankles bound together, or lie on your side to spoon with your hands bound above your head," she says. That way you can figure out if you like pretty much any position for bondage, if you have a few favorites, or whether you're actually not into it in any scenario.
Although it probably won't happen, sometimes urgent situations arise at the least convenient times. "To ensure that you can always free your lover from bondage in the event of an emergency, keep a pair of safety-edged bandage scissors within arm's reach," says O'Reilly. Also known as EMT scissors because their bent design helps them cut through clothes with less risk to people than ones, you can find them at various drugstores . As a bonus, they often slice through heavy-duty materials like metal and plastic.
Are they good to have on hand? Absolutely. Will you need to use them? Only on the rarest of occasions. The more likely worst-case scenario is that you'll decide bondage isn't for you, in which case you're still learning about your sexuality—always a win. But on the bright side, you might discover a new thing that really turns you on, which is undeniably awesome.
SELF does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional.
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Medical and Physiological Considerations



Check your partner’s skin temperature before and during the scene. Know what is normal for your partner so you can tell what is not normal
Have the bottom squeeze two of your fingers together before the scene and periodically throughout to monitor the strength of their grip. If their strength weakens noticeably, you need to wrap up your scene and get them untied.
If you tie the wrists and ankles last, you can adjust more easily. These areas are most prone to having issues, and prolonged compression can cause nerve damage or numbness. But if you do this, keep in mind my tip about rope tightness changing if you change your partner’s position. Have them assume the correct position while being tied, even if you do tie the wrists last.




Check your partner’s skin temperature before and during the scene. Know what is normal for your partner so you can tell what is not normal
Have the bottom squeeze two of your fingers together before the scene and periodically throughout to monitor the strength of their grip. If their strength weakens noticeably, you need to get them untied.
If you tie the wrists and ankles last, you can adjust more easily. These areas are most prone to having issues, and prolonged compression can cause nerve damage or numbness. But if you do this, keep in mind my tip about rope tightness changing if you change your partner’s position. Have them assume the correct position while being tied, even if you do tie the wrists last.




Radial nerve – on the outside of the arm in the valley between the triceps and the deltoid




No rope in or just below this valley.
If you place a rope anywhere in this vicinity and your partner tells you their hand went numb–particularly if it went numb quickly–move that rope now , do not wait.




Brachial plexus – Across the front of the shoulder joint and in the armpit




No knots, bulges or joins in the armpit.
Take care with rope or knots on the front of the shoulder. Some people are sensitive to pressure there. If they report weirdness, and you something pressing on the front of the shoulder, try moving it.
For some, the Brachial Plexus can be impacted by nothing more then holding the arm behind the back. A good test to run with a new partner if you are planning to tie their arms behind their back is to have them hold their arms in a box position behind their back (like the position they would be in if they were in a Gote Shibari or TK tie) and just have them hold in that position for 10 minutes or so. If they can do so without discomfort, without numbing of the fingers or cooling of the hands, then they can probably handle a behind-the-back tie for awhile without issue. But you still need to keep open communication and do your check through any tie like this. Depending on where you have placed the ropes or the nodes, you may still impact nerves or blood vessels.
Again, this is nerve impingement; if your partner tells you their hands have become numb, you need to relieve this quickly. Try moving your ropes to a slightly different position or repositioning knots or junctions. If the “weirdness” doesn’t go away in 10-15 seconds, untie them and reset.




To avoid neuropathy, don’t pinch the nerves in the wrist.
There are also a lot of blood vessels in the interior of the wrist; you don’t want to have knots or too much pressure on the inside of the wrists. Always make sure you can slip one or two fingers under the strands.




Femoral artery – about 4 inches below the groin




Do not restrict the flow of blood to the legs.
Always make sure you can slip two fingers under the strands, wrapped around the thighs.




Turns out brains need blood and have a lot to do with nerves.
The general rule for people new to the scene is: Never put rope across the front of the neck.
The more advanced rule is: Never put uncontrolled/unmonitored pressure across the front of the neck.




Fibro is different from person to person, but most people with fibro have heightened pain responses. (If someone without fibro bumps their knee, they go ouch and it bruises. If someone with fibro does so, they may get a blooming bruise, and cry because it throbs for almost an hour afterwards.)
The pain centers will also be different from person to person, so if someone says they have fibromyalgia, ask how they experience it. Find out things you should be aware of to plan an appropriate scene.
Here are a few links for more on this… 18-points-used-to-diagnose-fibromyalgia | Fibromyalgia Tender Points




Only strike big muscles and big muscle groups: Pectorals, upper back, ass, thighs, hamstrings, calves, bottom of the feet
Never strike the kidneys (lower back between the rib case and pevic bone) – Strong blows to the kidney will be painful and may result in serious injury.




Have a variety of options available for different kinds of contact.
You can make a dental dam out of a condom by cutting off both ends and the slicing one side down the length to form a latex rectangle.




This is a major exchange of power.
Never play when you are not at your best, whether from lack of sleep, drugs, alcohol, etc.




Do not attempt anything complex you are not well-trained in.
You can go from 0 to intermediate in knowledge in one weekend, but you still need practice to internalize that knowledge, develop muscle memory, to make it second nature, …to become competent .
Master the basics and then get personal training from an experienced person before you try advanced bondage techniques and suspensions, etc.




You have no power until the Bottom grants it to you. RESPECT THAT. Protect that trust.
Make sure you know your Bottom’s limits, and respect them scrupulously. Nothing will damage you so much in the scene as being known as someone who violates trust.
Never leave someone in bondage alone.
The scene is not over until the Bottom is completely untied – help them out of the rope slowly, carefully stretching the muscles that have been under tension.




It is a time of reconnection and a time to bring your Bottom back to themselves.
This can be critical to a person’s mental well-being. Some people really sink into a different place when in bondage and they need to be reclaimed.
This is a rule that can have exceptions. Some bottoms explicitly want to be left alone to wallow in the sensations after a scene. Ask your partner about this point as part of your negotiations.




Have a safe word and a safe gesture set up ahead of time. If they are gagged, they still need to tell you if they are having a problem. Give them something noisy like a bell or piece of chain they can drop as their safeword, or agree that three rapid screams/grunts/thumps/anything–three sounds repeated over and over–will act as a safeword. They can alway make at least some sound or motion.
Fight any shyness you may have, and talk about what you want to do. (You may find that just the act of doing so can turn on your partner.)
Ask what your partner wants, and be sure to build these elements into your plan as well.




Physical injuries and previous surgeries that may impact a person’s capabilities.
Bone issues, diabetes, asthma, breathing/cardiac issues, fibromyalgia, etc. – Anything that can impact a person’s ability to breath or that can mess with their blood pressure when under stress or that changes what you might expect about a person’s reactions.
Flexibility – Very few people can actually touch their elbows behind their back. Be realistic about your partner’s capabilities.
Skin temperature – Learn what is normal for your Bottom, so you know what is not normal.
Be constantly aware of the Bottom’s breathing. Faster or slower could mean excitement or signal trouble.
Understand any mental or emotional triggers that may be touched by what you have planned. If your partner is sensitive about being called stupid, worthless or fat, you effing well need to know and respect that. If they have a history of real abuse and use bdsm as a way of processing that past, very real, pain, you need to know that so that if they start screaming about that past event, you can handle it constructively.




Make sure to have something immediately within reach that will allow you to cut the ropes. EMT shears, hook blade, etc., work for this, but unless they are unusually sharp, this can take time.
It is a very good idea to actively practice cutting rope under tension. Sacrifice a piece of rope and test out how it cuts with your chosen cutting tool. Does your tool cut cleanly and quickly? How hard is it to cut? How long does it take? Do you have to “chew” at the ropes with it, or have to make multiple passes? If you get anything other than a smooth, clean controlled cut, choose another tool.
In an emergency, don’t hesitate – your Bottom’s safety is more important than your rope.
Using shorter ropes gives you more options in emergencies.




Check the condition of your rope before you use it. Look for frays, dirt, etc.
Body fluids can accumulate on rope, so wash your rope and/or have a set of rope dedicated for use on a given regular partner.
Food and water – Physical resources enable you to play, so don’t skimp on them.




Never use slip knots or knots that can tighten on themselves. These are referred to as “collapsing knots”. If rope is able to tighten, it can cut off blood flow and/or cause nerve damage (which can be permanent).
Remember that changing the Bottom’s position after the tie can change muscle tightness. What was an acceptable tightness in one position, may be way too tight if you then move the person into a different position. It is best to have your partner generally in the desired end position as you are tying them.
Don’t put a knot in middle of your partner’s spine if you’re going to lay them on their back.
Don’t put a knot in your partner’s armpit.




What you want to do
What you are willing to do
What you prefer not to do (but might be willing to try)
What you do not want to do under any circumstances
Your physical capabilities, flexibility, strength and any limitations
Any medical issues that may impact what you want to do. See the section for Tops for more details on common medical issues you need to disclose:

Physical injuries and previous surgeries that may impact what you can do
Bone issues, diabetes, asthma, breathing/cardiac issues, fibromyalgia
Any mental or emotional triggers you may have that may be touched on by the scene you are negotiating






If you do not communicate the relevant details about your medical, physical, emotional and mental state before you begin, your Top will be unable to properly plan for your safety.
If you do not communicate issues that are occurring while in scene, your Top will be unable to react and fix those issues. You need to tell your Top if things are feeling numb/tingling/cold or if you are feeling “bad pain”.
Don’t be afraid to speak up when you think something “off” is happening. Warning your Top before something becomes a real problem will allow him or her to react smoothly to fix the issue before it becomes so intolerable that the scene must be stopped.




To maximize your safety and comfort while in scene, work on strength and flexibility training.

Warm up before a scene – stretch.


If your rope Top is less experienced, they may not yet understand how to control trailing rope ends and you could get whipped a bit by flailing ends – guard your face and eyes! Don’t watch them tying
Aftercare – Accept it unless you know yourself well enough to know that you do not. …Bu
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