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Savage Love
Feb 3, 2020 at 12:15 pm
He Wants to Experience Inescapable Bondage At Least Once Before He Dies
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Dan Savage
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I’m writing to you today because I still think about it all the time and I joined Recon to talk to see if someone would want to tie me up. One of the guys recommended I listen to you. In a video about kink discordance you said kink is sexual. So my question for you is this: Is my desire to be tied up sexual? If so, would be getting tied by anybody other than my wife be a sexual experience?"
I have been tying myself up since I was seven and I stopped before I turned 40 because I was tired of being able to escape and the whole thing had become a bore. But I began searching for someone that would tie me up so that I couldn’t escape. Now I am 50 and I want to be a man of integrity in my relationship with my wife and I am not sure of the best way to move forward.
P.S. I've gotten two kinds of answers from guys on Recon. The first is that unless I tell my wife everything I have no integrity whatsoever. The second is that life is too short and I need to stop overthinking this. But I'm worried about whether this would be cheating. My self-bondage sessions always ended with masturbation. Even now I feel aroused just thinking of bondage. It's very possible I would get hard if somebody else tied me up but I do know that it would have nothing to do with them.
Life is short, BOUND, you're going to be dead one day soon ( we all are ), and you're going to stay dead for a very long time. So go get your ass tied up, dude. And even if you should get sexually aroused during a bondage scene with another man—as you almost certainly will—your wife isn't interested in having sex with you or tying your ass up. So you wouldn't be cheating your wife out of anything she wants, BOUND, which means it wouldn't really be cheating at all.
But in answer to your question: If you tie yourself up and your dick gets hard and then you jack off, your kink is definitely sexual. While most people prefer to indulge their kinks with others they're attracted to sexually, sometimes the kink works—turns them on—all by itself. Which is why there are lots of straight bondage guys into bondage who play with gay men. They're not doing it the gaiety of it, they're not in it for the dick, they're in it (ropes, cuffs, straight jackets, etc.) just there for the bondage of it. (And freeness of it.) So, yeah, I promise you, BOUND, you're not the only straight guy on Recon looking to get tied up.
And there's an easy way to avoid being judged because your wife doesn't know you're getting tied up by other dudes and then having to explain to strangers that you're seeking bondage play outside your marriage because your wife isn't interested in your kink and then having to explain that your activities with men present zero risk to your wife because you don't have oral or anal sex with the men you get tied up by and even if you were sucking their dicks of letting them fuck you—which you aren't—it wouldn't put your wife at risk because your marriage is sexless... and that's by not bringing up your wife at all. A casual bondage play partner you meet for a one-off doesn't need to know you're married, BOUND; so long as you're not presenting yourself as single and interested in romance in addition to bondage—so long as you're making it clear you're only interested in a discreet/discrete bondage scene and nothing else—you're under no obligation to disclose the existence of your wife.
But if you want to be a man of integrity... you should inform your wife that you're seeking bondage, just bondage, outside the relationship. Not sex, not romance, just bondage—and to ensure it's just bondage, you're going to play with men. Then ask her how she'd like to handle it: full and complete disclosure or DADT?
P.S. Did your wife know about your interest in bondage before you pulled that rope out of your bag on your honeymoon? If so, well, okay then. If not, BOUND, that's a hell of thing to spring on someone during a honeymoon.
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted October 13, 2016
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Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
As I've written about numerous times, I am a strong believer that when it comes to sexuality , the field of psychotherapy is moving away from a more authoritarian top-down lens (and I would consider sex addiction to fall into this category) to a more humanistic, harm reduction approach . To further along this body of work, I, along with colleagues Dulcinea Pitagora and Markie Twist , have initiated research to better understand the motivations and subjective experiences of individuals that engage in sexual behaviors that have historically been marginalized and pathologized .
More specifically, we are on the verge of completing a study on the differences between those who engage in high-impact play as part of a BDSM scene and those who engage in non- suicidal self-injuring (NSSI) behaviors, and we are currently crunching the numbers. Our rationale for this study is that for many clinicians in the mental health field, those who engage in intense sensation play of BDSM ( bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) are often co-mingled and conflated with behaviors of those who engage in self-harming behavior. As a result, individuals who belong to the BDSM subculture are often pathologized and misunderstood in clinical settings, and so may find themselves without adequate psychological care.
Here is a brief overview of our methodology. We recruited subjects via online networks and professional listservs. Information was obtained from respondents via an online survey, consisting of roughly 12 qualitative questions about the individual's motivation and experiences engaging in either BDSM or NSSI (or both), as well as three psychological instruments, the Experiences in Close Relationships Scale- Short Form (ECR-S) , which measures attachment style: Adverse Childhood Experiences Scale (ACE) , which measures level of childhood trauma ; and The Big Five Inventory (BFI) , which measures personality traits. The qualitative section asked about the individual's motivation as well as subjective experiences before, during, and after engaging in self-injury , BDSM sensation play, or both.
Sample questions included (in the case of BDSM, but with different terminology for NSSI):
As we have begun to crunch our numbers, a variety of fascinating trends have emerged. First, the individuals that struggled with NSSI experienced overwhelming negative feeling states prior to self-injury, then felt a wave of relief and distraction, followed by deep regret and shame afterwards. The BDSM group however stated that they felt excitement and anticipation ahead of time, a sense of excitement and pleasure during the encounter, and a wave of deep connection to their partner afterward, as well as a stronger sense of self-empowerment and authenticity .
Most importantly, the cohort that experienced NSSI and BDSM reported the same experiences. They had started NSSI at an early age (typically adolescence ) and then had stopped, but then continued on with BDSM sensation play as adults, enjoying all of the same benefits as the BDSM only group. So this leads to an important question. For the group that experienced both NSSI and BDSM, does BDSM offer a better, healthier alternative than self-injury? If this is the case, then BDSM would serve as a healthy and healing harm reduction alternative to self-injuring behavior. (Note: As of a few months ago our number of respondents for each cohort was BDSM only- 172, NSSI only- 34, and both BDSM and NSSI- 129. I will continue to update this as we add to our data.)
Before jumping to conclusions, let's take a look at other possible scenarios and explanations. It's quite possible that for the NSSI and BDSM cohort, they independently stopped engaging in NSSI once they resolved some underlying emotional issues and then at a later point in time discovered that they enjoyed BDSM, and these two activities stand alone and have absolutely no connection to each other. I would not be surprised if this was the case for a majority of respondents. Indeed, a number of them had mentioned they had stopped NSSI due to age (growing out of it) or having resolved their emotional issues in other ways, such as removing themselves from a bad living situation or working through the difficulties in therapy.
However, some did indicate that BDSM served as a transition to more evolved coping methods. In this case, BDSM would both be therapeutic (helping to deal with, manage or overcome deeper emotional disturbances), as well as serve in a harm reduction capacity by providing safer and more connective ways of dealing with those same difficulties. I want to be cautious here of not overstating this conclusion. As I've indicated in a number of other articles , recent robust research has found no correlation between BDSM and pathology, and indeed the research that attempted to connect BDSM to trauma often had underlying deeply flawed and biased methodologies, such as cherry-picking respondents and only using a small number of subjects (one study only had three).
For a distinct population, however, BDSM may serve as both a healing and harm reduction approach to trauma and emotional pain. I have presented before, for example, in a lecture entitled The Healing Potential of Psychological Edge Play at the 1st Annual AltSex NYC Conference , a case study in which one of my clients used BDSM edge play to re-enact a rape experience, and in this way resolved her sexual anxieties in the process.
Let's finally move beyond outdated and arbitrarily socially constructed views of how people should behave, especially with their sexuality. Research shows that not only is BDSM not pathological, but it can also be used in a therapeutic sense, both in trauma healing and for some, as a harm reduction approach.
Michael Aaron, Ph.D., LCSW, CST , is a nationally certified sex therapist and clinical sexologist.
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
9 Things Everyone Gets Wrong About BDSM
Christian Grey should not be your only source for this.
1. Myth: BDSM is a freaky fringe thing most people aren’t into.
3. Myth: You can spot a BDSM fan from a distance.
4. Myth: If you’re into BDSM, your past must be one big emotional dumpster fire.
5. Myth: BDSM is emotionally damaging.
6. Myth: The dominant person is always in charge.
7. Myth: You need a Christian Grey-esque Red Room to participate in BDSM.
8. Myth: If your partner is into BDSM, that’s the only kind of sex you can have.
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