Seks Sister Son

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Seks Sister Son
My son’s behaviour towards his sister and me is inappropriate
‘You may not have found porn on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it.’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian
My sister is being abused by her husband. What can I do?
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
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Something is clearly going on with your son, and you need to find out what, says Annalisa Barbieri
My son is 12 and on the cusp of puberty. For the last six months, his behaviour towards me and his 15-year-old sister has become over sexualised and inappropriate . This has included making lewd remarks and suggestions to her. He often grabs her, or strokes her hair or arms. He does the same to me, using language that sounds like lyrics from suggestive love songs. When going to and from the bathroom, he exposes himself and makes lewd remarks.
We’ve made it clear we don’t like it and want him to stop. He laughs and says he didn’t mean it . He rarely behaves like this in front of his father (we all live together) . He goes to an all - boys school and I haven’t had reports of this there.
I’m at the end of my tether . I want to show him, in front of his sister, that his behaviour could be classed as criminal. I’ve tried punishments that we use for other poor behaviour. Sometimes this stops him temporarily. In general, he is quite an anxious, angry and unhappy person at home. I monitor his internet access and I haven’t found evidence he watches porn or adult content. He mostly uses it for gaming.
Teenagers often test the boundaries with their parents, but it’s not usual for boys to make suggestive sexual comments to female members of the family, and less usual still that they expose themselves. This is the age they tend to become more self-conscious and inhibited – so something is clearly going on with your son and you need to find out what.
I contacted Graham Music, a psychotherapist ( childpsychotherapy.org.uk ) who has worked extensively with children and adolescents – especially troubled ones – and has written several books on the subject .
We both wondered what your husband’s reaction to your son’s behaviour was – whether or not he witnesses it himself? He needs to be more involved than he seems to be. It’s important for men to call out inappropriate behaviour in other men, and that starts in the home.
Music said that, often, if children are experiencing something they cannot deal with, they will seek to make others feel what they are feeling. It’s as if they are throwing it out there to say, “This is what I’m dealing with.” So the child who feels shame may seek to make others ashamed, the child who feels left out rejects others, and so on. “You don’t often act out so overtly unless you’ve been exposed to something that’s been overwhelming,” explains Music.
You may not have found porn or adult content on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it. It is likely he will have seen something. He could have seen or heard something via gaming; get more involved (you and your husband) in what he does online, which is best done by showing an interest rather than hectoring.
The fact he’s angry and anxious worries me further. Was he always like this? Music asks: “How did your son deal with unhappiness as a child?”
I would also talk to the school to get a better picture of what’s going on there. “Is he being bullied, and is he bullying you and his sister in turn?” asked Music. Has he recently changed schools?
Music was also interested in the dynamics of your house: “Who else lives there, what else is going on there, what are the power dynamics between you and your husband?”
There was scant information in your letter and little curiosity about why your son is doing this. The key to stopping it is to understand why he’s doing it. “It could be sexual urges,” said Music, “or it could be he’s using the sexual as a language to enact something else, like asserting power.” How do you generally deal with feelings in the family? Are they allowed or are they buried? Your son might have noticed and enjoyed getting a reaction out of you. But, again, you need to look at why he feels this compulsion.
In the meantime, his behaviour must be addressed and your daughter told she can react to protect herself. “Boundaries and authority are essential,” says Music, “But you and your husband need to set those up together. Try to stop his behaviour and then work out why it’s happening. Your son needs to understand there are consequences, but you need to make space to think about why he’s doing this.”
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

Dear Deidre MY fiancée walked in on me having sex with my sister. She’s now threatening to call the police.
I’m 25 and engaged to a beautiful girl. She is 26 and we met at work — we are both nurses.
My sister is 22. Our mum passed away five years ago and we’ve been extra close since then. Our dad works away during the week, while we both live at home.
My fiancée and I went to the cinema last month and when I got home my sister was crying in the front room in the dark.
She got laid off from her bank job a while ago and has taken it badly. I asked her what was wrong and she said: “I just feel so miserable. I’ve no job, no boyfriend and feel worthless.”
I cuddled her and said she was beautiful. I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her. It was supposed to be a peck but she kissed me back and my stomach turned somersaults.
As our hearts pounded, she said she felt something for me. We had sex in my bed. It felt so right. We made love a few times over the next few weeks.
Then last night we were in bed when the front door slammed. I raced to get my boxer shorts but the door swung open and my fiancée walked in glaring.
My sister burst into tears. My fiancée walked out and drove off but texted me saying: “You’re sick. I’m going to report you to the police.” I’m worried sick.
DEIDRE SAYS: You and your sister lost your mum when you were young and vulnerable, and your dad is only around at weekends. So it has allowed you and your sister to become too close, in the wrong sort of way.
Having sex with your sister is incestuous and illegal, but I hope your fiancée feels that reporting you to the police could bring down a lot of misery on everyone but help no one.
Tell your sister that you two must get back to a normal brother/sister relationship.
If she is depressed, tell your dad she needs more support. Start by talking it over with GetConnected, which helps under-25s with any problem ( getconnected.org.uk , 0808 808 4994). Talk to your fiancée again once she has had a chance to calm down.
If you still love one another it may be possible to move on from this – though that could well involve your moving out from home.
Dear Deidre I DON’T trust my boyfriend, though he doesn’t deserve it and can’t understand it. Should I tell him about my dad’s affair?
I’m 20 and my dad got a new company phone a year ago. Mum and I were transferring his data and there were photos of a naked woman and what appeared to be Dad’s legs.
Mum confronted Dad and he said his phone had belonged to somebody else in the office before him. I didn’t believe it and Mum later told me that he had an affair when I was little.
Now I don’t trust anyone. I constantly check up on where my boyfriend is.
We’ve been together for six months. He looks confused when I quiz him, as he’d do anything for me. He’s cancelled lads’ nights out to be with me.
I’m worried how he’d act to my dad if I spilled the beans.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you stay together I think you will end up sharing such an important part of your history, but now focus on separating your relationship from your parents’.
Your boyfriend loves you but making unreasonable demands based on insecurity will eat into your relationship.
My e-leaflet Coping With Jealousy will help you handle your feelings but for starters ask your boyfriend for a loving hug rather than demanding he miss seeing his mates.
Dear Deidre I’M addicted to masturbation and I’m not in control of my life any more.
I’m 22 and good-looking but haven’t had a girlfriend for two years. I cannot even meet friends on time because of the hours I spend trawling Facebook for any glimpse of flesh – which always leads to porn and masturbation. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve taken the first step admitting there’s a problem.
You’re not alone. More people are trawling the net this way. It’s so tempting but won’t make you happy long-term.
You can find a free programme of self-help recovery at sexaddictionhelp.co.uk and I’m sending you my e-leaflet Hooked On Masturbation?
Dear Deidre I’M married with a lovely daughter but I feel lonely and unloved as my wife and I haven’t had sex since she got pregnant.
Our daughter is 18 months old and it’s as if my wife has got all she wants now – a child.
She used to be loving, though she had issues from her past. I’ve talked to her about sex and she says: “I will get there.” But she had a traumatic labour and I know she’s afraid it will hurt her.
I’ve told her we can just take things slowly. I just want to have a physical relationship – and I want to be loved, I guess.
DEIDRE SAYS: Giving birth can be a major trauma. Encourage your wife to see her GP for a check-up. She can ask for a referral to a gynaecologist if need be. She should be healing by now, though sheer fear of sex being painful can make you tense.
If everything is as it should be, ask her to agree to sharing a loving massage a couple of times a week, with the promise you won’t expect intercourse until she’s ready.
I’m sending e-leaflets Solving Sex Problems After A Baby and Massage For Couples.
Dear Deidre MY husband has bought me a car, decorated our house and taken me on a cruise – all because he had an affair.
He’s 42 and I’m 39. We have no children but we’ve been together for 20 years. I had no clue that he was having an affair until I got a call from his mistress.
He ended it immediately but I was so hurt. And now he says the guilt is eating him up inside.
I get days where I go into a panic thinking he’s cheating again – even though
I know he isn’t as he’s so much more relaxed these days and he even leaves his mobile lying around.
My friends say it’s all guilt money – but is it?
DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, probably, but does it really matter? He’s dealing with his guilt in the best way he knows – but he has to work on rebuilding the trust too.
All the cars and cruises won’t make up for the emotional hurt but try to remember why you fell in love in the first place.
If you have moments thinking of your husband with this woman try to think up a very happy memory you shared with him.
He’s back with you now and that is what matters.
Dear Deidre MY girlfriend is a fiery redhead and if she isn’t fighting with someone at work then it is with her dad or me.
I’m 26. She is 29 and a spoilt brat, if I’m honest.
She yelled at me once because she thought I’d overcooked her pizza.
She lives with her parents and they run around after her.
I had an interview last week and asked her for a lift into town as she had the day off. She went nuts at me but it wasn’t unreasonable to ask.
I know I should man up and tell her where to go.
I was adopted so I’m used to rejection but I’m terrified of being alone and I love her to bits.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sometimes we seek out relationships which reproduce familiar feelings.
You’ve found yourself a girlfriend who makes you feel rejected again and again – even over trivialities.
This is a miserable pattern. Please get some help to work through your feelings from After Adoption ( afteradoption.org.uk ,
0800 056 8578). Then you will feel stronger and so better able to stand up to your girlfriend Her parents may indulge her but you deserve her to behave more considerately – which she may do once she realises it’s that or lose
you.
Dear Deidre MY boyfriend and I are supposed to be moving in together this month but he has still not told his mum.
We are 24, met at university and house-shared for two years. Now we both live back home, 200 miles apart.
His dad died three years ago and his mum is very dependent on him. We tried to move in together once before but she said he’d not given her enough notice.
So it didn’t happen.
I know he will obey her if she says no. He’s my soul-mate but I am worried we won’t last because of her.
DEIDRE SAYS: Be wary of putting him under so much pressure that he end up feeling torn between you and his mum.
It’s doubtful his mum will ever reach the stage of happily letting go, so he must decide how long he’s going to allow this situation to continue.
If just walking out is too hard, he needs to make planned steps so she knows he is serious and is prepared when he finally leaves.
Helping her get a good social life of her own would be a good start. And of course say that she will be welcome to visit you regularly – not your ideal,
I realise, but only fair.
SOME of us quickly fly off the handle, some rarely lose their temper. But when they do, the red mist descends and anything can happen. Anger is damaging to relationships and it gets in the way of good parenting. My e-leaflet on
Anger Management can help you safeguard relationships and those close to you. Email problems@deardeidre.org .
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.
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You can follow my life and sex tips on Twitter @deardeidre
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Dear Deidre MY fiancée walked in on me having sex with my sister. She’s now threatening to call the police.
I’m 25 and engaged to a beautiful girl. She is 26 and we met at work — we are both nurses.
My sister is 22. Our mum passed away five years ago and we’ve been extra close since then. Our dad works away during the week, while we both live at home.
My fiancée and I went to the cinema last month and when I got home my sister was crying in the front room in the dark.
She got laid off from her bank job a while ago and has taken it badly. I asked her what was wrong and she said: “I just feel so miserable. I’ve no job, no boyfriend and feel worthless.”
I cuddled her and said she was beautiful. I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her. It was supposed to be a peck but she kissed me back and my stomach turned somersaults.
As our hearts pounded, she said she felt something for me. We had sex in my bed. It felt so right. We made love a few times over the next few weeks.
Then last night we were in bed when the front door slammed. I raced to get my boxer shorts but the door swung open and my fiancée walked in glaring.
My sister burst into tears. My fiancée walked out and drove off but texted me saying: “You’re sick. I’m going to report you to the police.” I’m worried sick.
DEIDRE SAYS: You and your sister lost your mum when you were young and vulnerable, and your dad is only around at weekends. So it has allowed you and your sister to become too close, in the wrong sort of way.
Having sex with your sister is incestuous and illegal, but I hope your fiancée feels that reporting you to the police could bring down a lot of misery on everyone but help no one.
Tell your sister that you two must get back to a normal brother/sister relationship.
If she is depressed, tell your dad she needs more support. Start by talking it over with GetConnected, which helps under-25s with any problem ( getconnected.org.uk , 0808 808 4994). Talk to your fiancée again once she has had a chance to calm down.
If you still love one another it may be possible to move on from this – though that could well involve your moving out from home.
Dear Deidre I DON’T trust my boyfriend, though he doesn’t deserve it and can’t understand it. Should I tell him about my dad’s affair?
I’m 20 and my dad got a new company phone a year ago. Mum and I were transferring his data and there were photos of a naked woman and what appeared to be Dad’s legs.
Mum confronted Dad and he said his phone had belonged to somebody else in the office before him. I didn’t believe it and Mum later told me that he had an affair when I was little.
Now I don’t trust anyone. I constantly check up on where my boyfriend is.
We’ve been together for six months. He looks confused when I quiz him, as he’d do anything for me. He’s cancelled lads’ nights out to be with me.
I’m worried how he’d act to my dad if I spilled the beans.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you stay together I think you will end up sharing such an important part of your history, but now focus on separating your relationship from your parents’.
Your boyfriend loves you but making unreasonable demands based on insecurity will eat into your relationship.
My e-leaflet Coping With Jealousy will help you handle your feelings but for starters ask your boyfriend for a loving hug rather than demanding he miss seeing his mates.
Dear Deidre I’M addicted to masturbation and I’m not in control of my life any more.
I’m 22 and good-looking but haven’t had a girlfriend for two years. I cannot even meet friends on time because of the hours I spend trawling Facebook for any glimpse of flesh – which always leads to porn and masturbation. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve taken the first step admitting there’s a problem.
You’re not alone. More people are trawling the net this way. It’s so tempting but won’t make you happy long-term.
You can find a free programme of self-help recovery at sexaddictionhelp.co.uk and I’m sending you my e-leaflet Hooked On Masturbation?
Dear Deidre I’M married with a lovely daughter but I feel lonely and unloved as my wife and I haven’t had sex since she got pregnant.
Our daughter is 18 months old and it’s as if my wife has got all she wants now – a child.
She used to be loving, though she had issues from her past. I’ve talked to her about sex and she says: “I will get there.” But she had a traumatic labour and I know she’s afraid it will hurt her.
I’ve told her we can just take things slowly. I just want to have a physical relationship – and I want to be loved, I guess.
DEIDRE SAYS: Giving birth can be a major trauma. Encourage your wife to see her GP for a check-up
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