Secure Couple
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The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship Paperback – February 20, 2018
by
Joe Martino LPC
(Author),
Rev Jason Holdridge
(Foreword)
4.7 out of 5 stars
24 ratings
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“Joe takes you on a journey to a place known only to true lovers. Then he shines a light on the path to get there. I’ve read a lot of marriage counseling books, and this is one of the most challenging, practical, and helpful. This book will help you build or rebuild that very special sacred space for you and your spouse. Go to Joe's office where he will challenge you to be more than you have ever been before in your marriage.” ~Ted Boykin Associate Dean of Students, CSUWhen it comes to marriages, too many people ask the wrong question. They ask, "Will we make it?" Relationship therapist Joe Martino wants people to ask, "Will we be glad we made it?" He believes that every couple can make it and be excited that they did. In this book, you'll learn: " A cogent definition for what communication is and how you can be better at it. " Four dangerous ways couples interact in their relationship." Why conflict is your best friend." A proven way to have more productive conversations even when you're mad at your partner." How to discuss anything in a way that builds the relationship." Three core questions that you both are asking and how to answer them. Each chapter is written in an easy-to-understand manner and comes with discussion questions to help further your understanding of the material. The Emotionally Secure Couple can be read alone or with your partner for a deeper experience as a couple. If you really want to take your experience to the next level, grab a couple of friends and read the book as a group discussion. For more information, study guides, and videos by the author exclusively for readers, go to www.emotionallysecurecouple.com.
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Joe Martino is a licensed therapist in Michigan and the author of The Emotionally Secure Couple. He specializes in relationship therapy. His goal is to change the world by helping one couple at a time have the healthiest relationship possible. He is passionate in his belief that everyone can have the relationship they dreamed of having. He and his wife cofounded the Joe Martino Counseling Network. They have been married for 19 years and have four children. They live on a small hobby farm with their three dogs and two cats. Joe has an eclectic collection of hobbies, enjoying the outdoors and spending time in museums or bookstores. Connect with him on his website at www.joemartino.com or on twitter @joemartino.
Publisher
:
4K Publishing; 1st edition (February 20, 2018) Language
:
English Paperback
:
314 pages ISBN-10
:
0999865498 ISBN-13
:
978-0999865491 Item Weight
:
1.02 pounds Dimensions
:
6 x 0.79 x 9 inches
4.7 out of 5 stars
24 ratings
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Top reviews
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Top reviews
I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It is very well written (although I was surprised at the number of typos!) in an engaging style that pulls you in and piques your curiosity about what the next insight will be. I loved the practical, real-life examples that the author used to illustrate his points. He expresses his ideas in ways that are simple without being simplistic. The book is very practical and helpful without being "preachy", condescending or judgmental. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is experiencing relationship problems (providing they are willing to look hard at themselves, are willing to accept responsibility for their actions and attitudes and are willing to work hard to change) and would just as quickly recommend it to those who are doing well and would like to take their relationship to a new level of fulfillment and security. My congratulations to the author for a job well done! This book has the potential to be very helpful to many people!
I am VERY excited for this book to be out. Joe Martino helped many people, including people I love with his wisdom and passion that change is possible. I've found that many people are naive about how to fight clean in their relationships as well as how to fight for the relationship while also addressing the issue. This book gives a clear road map to do both. “The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship” is a must read because it changes the way we view conflict in relationships. It is more than conflict can be good. Joe gives a clear pathway to how you can make it good. This work seeks to change the perception of marriage. In doing so this book is not a shot across the bow, it’s a direct hit. We would be wise to engage and be intentional about changing the narrative around marriage. “The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship” shows us how.
Joe has a way-a way of getting individuals to dig deep, to reveal the hard truth about themselves. Pressing in is not an easy thing to do, but if we apply the tools and principals given in this book-we’ll be sure to be successful. At times, this book had me very mad! Why? Because Joe has a way of getting to the root of the issue, whatever it may be, and calling you out on the junk! I believe Joe and Erica are passionate about Marriage and do a good job of leading by example. If it’s hard, it’s worth the effort. This is an easy read/easy to understand-crucial tool for your Marriage-whatever stage you may be at.
Joe does a great job at providing real life examples and providing tangible solutions and remedies for common issues that arise between couples. By learning these bad habits and how to strive for a healthy response to them, couples can greatly improve their relationship. Every couple should take the time to walk through these guidelines to increase their emotional security in their relationships. It’s cheaper than a date night and will have a lasting positive affect on your relationship if you read it and put it into action.
One of Joe Martino's primary spiritual gifts is the gift of "blunt". Direct is not strong enough for his plain and seasoned advice on how to navigate and strengthen your relationships. No soft platitudes here. Snippets like "Our activity does not do away with our shame; instead, it numbs our response to it." will cause to stop and think. He then weaves a path to health and wholeness that anyone would benefit from should they choose to move through the pain to real life.
This is an excellent book for anyone who wants to improve their social skills; their relationship skills in their marriage, or with their children, or with their friends. I'm looking forward to the hard copies coming out so I can highlight passages that I want to refer to again. Joe writes well and is understandable. Many people will be helped by reading and practicing what has been shared in this book. Thanks Joe!
This is a well written book and it gives great advice to married couples. I also think the methods of problem solving in marriage that are addressed in this book are also good advice to follow in resolving problems in many other conflicts. I have found them useful in resolving people problems in every day life. This would be a very good book to use in a small group study.
Great Read and I am not a reader. My spouse and I have implemented some of these principles already and we can already see the benefits
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Joe Martino is a licensed therapist in Michigan and the author of The Emotionally Secure Couple. He specializes in relationship therapy. His goal is to change the world by helping one couple at a time have the healthiest relationship possible. He is passionate in his belief that everyone can have the relationship they dreamed of having.
He and his wife regularly have marriage conferences and retreats to help every couple become emotionally secure.
He and his wife cofounded the Joe Martino Counseling Network. They have been married for 19 years and have four children. They live on a small hobby farm with their three dogs and two cats.
Joe has an eclectic collection of hobbies, enjoying the outdoors and spending time in museums or bookstores. Connect with him on his website at www.joemartino.com or on twitter @joemartino.
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Welcome to the online home for The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship.
This website is intended to enhance your experience with the book.
Here you will find questions for each chapter, videos explaining some of the more technical skills discussed in the book.
Secure Attachment for Couples: Think Like Anchors
Want a healthy, thriving relationship? Understanding attachment styles can get you there.
Enlightening, Empowering, Innovative, Inspiring ... Don't Miss a Word!
Most partners want to share their lives with someone they can trust and feel secure with. What does it mean to be securely attached to your partner?
The concept of secure attachment can be traced to British psychoanalyst John Bowlby. The search for comfort or security is an inborn need that begins at birth, according to Bowlby. Infants depend upon caregivers to protect them from danger and enable them to thrive physically, mentally, and emotionally. This model has extended to the science of intimate relationships.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, Psychologist and author of Wired for Love by Dr. Stan Tatkin , counsels couples to help them develop a secure relationship.
He describes three types of attachment styles:
Those with an Island-ish or Wave-ish style have elements of insecurity in their attachment. Waves tend to be anxiously attached, wanting attention and closeness, but frequently stiffening and reacting angrily when it is offered. Island
partners tend to avoid closeness, need lots of alone time, and may have negative reactions to touch.
Securely attached individuals are referred to as Anchors . They tend to be collaborative, balance alone time with partner time, and believe in mutuality and fairness in the relationship. (Read more about these attachment styles here ).
Many children grow up without secure care from a primary parent or caregiver. These early experiences of unreliable parenting can carry over into adulthood and can cause problems in relationships. Early beliefs that a caregiver will not consistently be there when needed (Wave) or is not interested (Island) are at the root of insecure attachment styles.
Adults tend to choose partners who provide a familiar emotional environment. As a result, couple therapists often see pairs from an insecure attachment base:
Couples in secure relationships are comfortable with proximity-seeking and proximity-maintaining. In an Anchor-like fashion, they search for closeness and create periods of physical and emotional intimacy with their partner. Once together, they can maintain this close stance for sustained periods of time as they don’t fear being overwhelmed by their partner. And when secure partners reunite after being away, they often express a true smile, with eyes showing delight and their face radiating joy.
The secure couple is collaborative. Important decisions are made together. Partners bring their concerns and ideas to one another first before talking outside the relationship.
The opposite of collaboration is when partners act as free agents, where decisions are made separately and then announced to the other partner.
The secure couple values mutuality. A secure partner is cooperative and counts on cooperation in return. Partners work out the details of how they will manage their relationship and put each other first. In secure relationships, any actions taken must pass a test so that each partner can say “It’s good for me, good for my partner, and good for our relationship.”
Secure couples feel free to express themselves.
Secure partners don’t keep secrets from one another. They are open and truthful about their thoughts, feelings, and intentions. They trust their partner will be curious, understanding and will have their back.
They use interactive communication skills. When one partner is upset, the other partner attends to them.
Partners put down their phones, avoid interruptions, and face one another with a soft eye gaze when they discuss sensitive topics. They value what their partner says, and they listen attentively. Often, they will touch their partner in a supportive way by holding hands, rubbing their partner’s back, or entwining arms.
Secure couples handle conflict without threats. These partners know how to reassure one another and to calm each other down when a conversation begins to ramp up into an argument. They do not harm the relationship with name-calling, bullying, threatening to leave, or physical abuse. Partners in secure relationships make quick repairs when they say or do something that hurts their partner. They are not afraid to say, “I’m sorry.” (Also read “4 Favors People With Low Self-Esteem Want You To Do For Them” )
The world is a complex place with many challenges. When you have a partner and feel secure attachment in your relationship, you recognize that you aren’t alone—you are part of a team that advocates for one another and faces difficulties together. You know what it means to lean on your partner and have them lean on you. You can address one another’s worries and soothe each other’s nervous systems. It is a partnership of equals.
Being collaborative underscores the value of two heads being better than one. You have more resources to throw at problems when there are two of you who value and preserve the relationship. Within this realm, you become a power couple, able to do more and achieve more in life than couples who become mired in conflict and self-interest.
The great news is that couples can learn to be secure functioning . PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy), an attachment-based couples therapy, employs major advances in psychology and neuroscience to the challenge of repairing and maintaining relationships, with a goal of making the relationship secure for both partners.
Couples interested in learning secure functioning can work with a PACT couple therapist, attend a PACT couples retreat or read We Do
by Stan Tatkin , PsyD, a helpful guide with exercises on how to develop a relationship based on trust and true partnership.
If you have an opportunity to share life with a partner who loves you and has your back, why not take a risk and say yes? You can then reap the bounty that comes to couples who navigate life together with security.
Keep reading about secure attachment styles here .
Beth O’Brien, PhD, licensed psychol
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