Scottie

This is a DRAFT, and the final version will be done soon. Thanks everyone!

Sunday, June 22

I’m writing in this stupid journal…whatever. Dr. Yarrow “suggested” it (demanded it).

I’m on a bus right now, going to a camp I’ve never been to.

Evening

I saw something interesting earlier. When we got off the bus we went right back to the cabins to make our bunks. I’m in a small wood cabin with seven other girls my age (Ugh!).

Right after that we walked down to the dining hall for dinner. The heavy wood tables were lined up in parallel, grouped by age. I couldn’t stop glancing at the table with the littles, which was right across from mine. I hope no one thought I was weird. A group of small children - probably five or six years old - sat giggling and poking each other.

I thought this whole camp thing was gonna be super boring. I actually couldn’t believe I was going to have to spend my 12th birthday here! I thought it was gonna be just girls my age - so boring! I didn’t realize it was all ages and genders. 

(Honestly I’m so freaking sick of getting told to stop spending time with the littles - but maybe they don’t know that here? This could be my chance to actually have some fun this summer).

Monday evening, June 23

We had our first visit to the swimming hole today. Our group marched in as the littles were packing up. Their cute little bodies sent shivery electric sparks running up my skin and into my chest.

One little cutie stole my heart the second I laid eyes on her. She had dark tan skin - dark enough that maybe one of her parents was Asian or middle eastern, but light enough that perhaps one of her parents was white.

Her bright yellow swimsuit burst with color against her skin tone. She had long, straight brown hair that fell to around her shoulder blades. She was sitting with her legs splayed out, a sandcastle in progress between them. The rest of the group was lining up to leave, and the counselor called “Analeia, let’s go!” She looked up, startled out of her focus on the sandcastle, and scrambled to join the group. When she looked up I noticed she had the most beautiful big, brown eyes. As she turned to scamper towards the group, I saw that her swimsuit had gotten lost in her teeny butt cheeks. Amazing!

I studied the rest of the group as they leaned up against the wall, waiting to leave. I tried to be low key. The three boys grouped together on one side, two of them blonde (one straight and one curly), and the third had short, darker blonde (or maybe brown?) hair. All white. Of the other two girls, one looked Asian, with long dark brown hair, and dark brown eyes as well - her name was Lucy. The other girl was white with long, darker blonde hair. I think I heard them call her “Ellie” or maybe “Elodie.”

I had since learned that this group was for kids who were going into kindergarten after the summer, so they were all five years old. 

The group of six crossed the dirt road in front of the swim hole, and sat down under the tree in the field on the other side to eat their snack. I’m not sure what the counselors name is, but she always seems to have a vaguely bored or maybe irritated expression on her face. (She’s black. Not that that matters).

As we splashed around in the swim hole, I kept trying to steal glances at the group - casually of course. It’s not like I was gonna interact with the girls in my group at all. Not if I didn’t have to. Why is it so much easier to get along with little kids?

Friday June 27

Sorry journal (and Dr Yarrow), but this week has been really slow and boring and I didn’t have anything to write. I barely got to be near the littles at all, which sucked. Something interesting did happen today though (which is why I’m writing).

As we were walking down the dirt path towards arts and crafts, we started to pass the littles. Of course my heart started to beat a little quicker. I know Dr Yarrow says I should try to block this stuff out and focus on kids my age, but it’s so hard. As we came alongside the group, the counselor shouted “hang on a second Blue Bees, Analeia’s gotta tie her shoe.” She was in front of the group, and quickly collapsed onto her knee to began working on her shoe. I saw my opportunity to connect and be helpful, and I knelt down in front of her. I quickly helped her tie the shoe, and she broke out into a huge grin, saying “thanks!!” I stood up to rejoin my group, and before I knew what was happening, she launched her little body at me, wrapping her arms around my waist in a tight hug. The touch was electric and my heart stopped for a beat. Just as quickly as it started she bounced away with her group. I was stunned. These were the moments I lived for, but which seemed to confuse or worry (or anger?) the adults.

Evening

Something else really super interesting happened at dinner tonight! Apparently there is a program called JC, which stands for junior counselors. It’s usually for ages 14-17, but I guess the little’s counselor (whose name is Brittney by the way) was super impressed with how I helped Analeia with her shoe earlier. They asked me if I wanted to be a JC with the Blue Bees group next week. Of course I said yes! I wonder what my parents will say when they find out? Well, I’m not gonna tell them, and give them a chance to ruin it.

Sunday morning, June 29

I’m so excited to go back to camp this afternoon! It’s been such a long weekend waiting to go back. The seconds have been dribbling by since the bus took me home on Friday.

 I can’t WAIT to see my littles!!! 

I know I’m supposed to be listening to what Dr. Yarrow says, and “staying off the internet,” as dad puts it. But I couldn’t help it, and I did some more of my own research this weekend. I used my iPad in bed at night, after they thought I was asleep. I’m not as stupid as they might think. I wait until I have some privacy to look stuff up, and I know now to open a private incognito browser tab (after what happened last time when dad found my history). 

I found a message board this weekend, which was pretty cool and interesting. According to the site, there is something called “minor attraction,” and people who have this identity are called MAPs, or “minor attracted persons.” Sounds a lot better than some of the horrible names people put out there, or the fancy bossy-sounding words Dr. Yarrow uses with me (labels me with).

There is even a flag! 

I think I might be a MAP. The people on the site all say it’s perfectly fine to be ourselves - that we were born this way! But we also have to stay safe and not hurt anyone.

Sunday afternoon, on the bus to camp 

It’s kind of funny that Dr. Yarrow is the one who told me to write in this journal - but now I’m not going to ever show him. I’ll have to make up a fake (boring) journal to bring back to him. Or just tell him I didn’t do it.

Monday evening June 30

It’s been so crazy and busy and magical and awesome that I didn’t even have time to write yesterday. I LOVE my littles so so much. Analeia remembered how I helped with her shoe, and she snuggled right up into my lap while we did our opening camp songs and skits for the week last night. I kept waiting for an adult to come tell her to move, but no one did. In fact as I looked around, lots of kids were snuggled up close to each other or to grown ups, or sitting in laps. I even saw one counselor kiss a little boy on the top of his head. I felt like I was either going to melt, or explode - or both!

The sleeping area is way different with the littles. It’s actually a normal building with lights and doors and electricity - even air conditioning! Not just a cabin in the woods like everyone else had.

We took up three rooms total. I was assigned room one with Analeia and Elodie. Room two was Brittney and Lucy, and room three was for the boys. Each room had one bunk bed and one regular bed. In my room I took the regular bed, and Elodie got the top bunk, leaving the bottom for Analeia (so close to me!). 

After we made our beds, we gathered in the common room to talk and make name cards. Everyone got to decorate a name card to hang on the door. The kids were supposed to add a drawing of something they loved as well. Analeia drew an ice cream cone, and Elodie drew a unicorn. I drew little stick figure kids.

We had dinner all together in the dining hall, and then came back for bed. The girls asked me to tell them a story, and I made one up about a silly ghost. It made them both giggle so much, until Brittney came by and said “lights out!” Analeia came over to me bed and said she had to whisper something to me. “I’m afraid of the dark.”

I wrapped my arm around her, patting up and down on the small of her back. I told her not to worry and that I would keep her safe. She asked if I would hold her hand until she fell asleep. So that’s what I did, sitting on the edge of her bed, gently stroking the back of her hand, or switching sides and rubbing up and down her palm with my thumb.

After both girls were asleep, I went into the bathroom and had a shower. (Since it was pretty private, I had some time to touch myself a little bit in the shower. I know I’m not supposed to think about little girls when I do this, but it’s hard not too. Oh well. According to my mother I’ll go to hell if I masturbate at all. This used to terrify me when I was younger - but I long since stopped caring or believing in that).

Monday was just so much fun too. I don’t have time to write it all down here, because the littles need my attention.

July 18

Omg, I REALLY need to keep better track of my things! I thought this journal was gone, and I was SO paranoid that someone had it and was reading my secrets. It turned out to be in my suitcase, stuffed inside a bigger book in the bottom. In the last few weeks I’ve been making notes on scraps of paper - I still needed to write, I’m afraid I will forget all the awesome stuff that’s happened to me here! But I’m scared the loose papers will be found by someone, so I’ll try to write the big stuff down here (though I don’t have much time, I’ll do my best).

Let’s see…

• There was a Friday when Analeia’s family came to pick her up, and brought her adorable little sister along. Little Pia was only two, and was the cutest little baby girl I’d ever seen, with short, fine light brown hair in sweet curls. She was wearing a light purple tee shirt and dark purple leggings wrapped snugly around chubby baby thighs and calves, and she shrieked with delight as she chased her sister around the pick up field. By this point I had gotten quite close with Analeia, who spent plenty of time in my lap each day. At one point I sat “criss cross applesauce” on the ground, feeling pretty exhausted. I leaned my back against a wooden pole, and Analeia came over to drop into my lap. I gave her a soft kiss on her temple. At home I feel so much more anxious and unsettled but this felt so….satisfying. Little Pia came over and we made room for her in my lap. On the MAP forums I’ve learned about something called your “AoA,” or “age of attraction.” I think I am pretty rare, because mine is probably 2-7 years old. Two is my absolute favorite I think. Little Pia sat down on my left leg, and leaned her little body to the left, glancing back at me with a soft smile on her face. She had about 1,000 square miles of baby girl cheek, and I gave her a big smooch right there, causing her to shriek with giggles. I leaned back, and ran my hand along her little arm; making small loving circles on her forearm with my thumb. Once I got to her tiny hand, splayed out like a warm little starfish, I pressed my thumb into her palm, gently massaging. I’d never felt more in love. I looked up, and one of the Camp Leaders had a smile on his face as he watched me. (Such a change from how it is at home, or church).

July 20 - my 12th birthday!

Friday July 25th

So as it turns out I am having way too much fun to write in this every day, though I am seriously afraid I will forget all these amazing memories. Maybe I can try to write them down once a week?

I’m not looking forward to going home today. I have an appointment with Dr. Yarrow. Mom is gonna pick me up from the bus drop, and bring me right to him. I know he’s gonna want to talk about what happened a couple of years ago with little Evie. I don’t want to talk to him - or anybody - about that. But especially not him.

Saturday July 26

Here’s the thing about what happened with little Evie. I loved her so much - like a little sister - and I know she loved me. It sucks - SUCKS - that my mom won’t let me see her at all. I mean, Evie’s mom Ms. Sanders is the one who walked in on what we were doing, and she was actually pretty chill about it. If I could talk more with her about what happened I would. I actually loved Ms. Sanders, and I know she cared about me. Sometimes I wonder if they are lonely now, just the two of them in that big house. 

I was SO embarrassed about her seeing us, I wish I had handled it so differently. I ran out, and ran home, with her following me. It’s hard to remember what happened next, the details are blurry. I think I was crying and maybe screaming a little, and Ms. Sanders had little two year old Evie balanced on her hip (who was also shrieking). I think Ms. Sanders tried to explain what happened and why I was crying, but I remember my mom didn’t want to hear it. She started yelling at Ms. Sanders, who couldn’t even get a word out. Actually the details of what happened weren’t even discussed. But eventually I’d had enough and yelled at my mom to stop yelling at poor Ms. Sanders. “Stop mom, OK? It’s true. Evie and I was - (italics) naughty - with Evie together. It’s true.”

I was screaming and shouting and besides myself. My mom told Ms. Sanders to get out. She screamed at me to go to my room. We never actually talked about it again - but she made me start seeing Dr. Yarrow, and he was very probing.

The only people who know what really happened that day are me and Ms. Sanders. And little Evie. It was the first time anything like that had ever happened - and unfortunately the last. I had loved it all so much, and I KNOW she did too.

I know from reading online that I can never do anything like that ever again. I know that it can be harmful to some kids, though I’m actually not so sure about that. I think it would have been better if I was allowed to do (italics) sex when I was younger, instead of being screamed at for touching myself. There are these two groups of people online, one called “pro C,” and the other “anti C.” And they fight a lot. Basically the c means contact, and pro C people think the laws should change to allow MAPs to be sexual with kids. Antis don’t believe that at all. But the one thing that everyone seems to agree on is rules must be followed, for your own safety. I’m glad I read this before I did anything else, especially as I get older. 

Monday August 4

So it’s already the last week of camp. I’ve had so much fun here, I can’t believe it’s almost over. I’m gonna miss my littles so much! Here is a list of things that are going my way, even though it sucks that camp is ending and I have to go back to normal life.

I found my online community

I know who I am now

I know it’s ok to be a map but that I can’t act like that

I am GOING to find a way to reconnect with little Evie and Ms. Sanders. My dream would be to babysit her.

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 The end? I'm not sure if I want to end here, though its already 3000 words, and I wanted to create a 1000 word story that would be easier to get through.

-Enby