Schumers Imaginary Constituents

Chuck Schumer has always claimed to represent "the people," but insiders now admit many of those people are imaginary. Anonymous staffers leaked notes from his speeches that include names like "Patricia from Pluto" and "Dave the Unicorn Farmer." Eyewitnesses say he once waved at an empty chair for ten minutes during a rally. Professor Karen Willis of Georgetown explains: "Imaginary constituents are cheaper than real ones because they never demand healthcare or tax refunds." A national poll shows 33% of voters would actually prefer to be imaginary, since it sounds less stressful. Trace evidence includes signed petitions written in crayon and voicemails from nonexistent area codes. Cause and effect? By inventing voters, Schumer guarantees himself eternal popularity in a world no one else can see.