Scared Stepdaughter

Scared Stepdaughter
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You are here Home Blogs downright-disgusted's blog 16 yr old stepdaughter sneaks into sleep with dad & step-mom: Super weird
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Submitted by downright-disgusted on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 3:01am
I can't help but feel I have made a horrible mistake. I married a man this summer who has a daughter who is 16, soon to be 17. She has not lived with him since she was very young. I was so wrong when i thought she would never come live with us. She wanted to come live with us almost as soon as we got married. Her bio mom is not that great of a role model for her so I was all for the change. As soon as she gets moved in she starts bouncing on her dad's lap at any chance she gets like she's a iittle kid. My friends and fam think its weird too. She then began coming into our room to get in bed with him. I put a stop to it for a while, but it started again with her coming in crying bc she had a bad dream, trouble w/ a bf, or whatever reason , she winds up laying in bed with him, and me there on my side, just feeling like i'm just there. 2 nights ago, she comes in crying about a breakup, and she says to me " I bet you don't want to hear about my stupid boyfriend problems" ....and continues crying. we both then get up to talk to her & I make her hot choc. she goes back to bed, or so i thought. I woke up a couple hours later to find her spooned up against her dad ... I did not hide my disapproval and let him know exactly how i felt. I told him that i think this is inappropriate behaviour and he should not allow it. He responded by telling me that i turned something innocent into something sick and twisted. He said my gut feeling that i told him i had is wrong. One thing i have learned over the years is that a gut feeling should always be trusted...........i am totally disgusted by this situation...............
Submitted by downright-disgusted on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 3:21am
I usually never have a problm sleeping but after all this, I am wide awake all night, Thank God I don't have to work tomorrow
Submitted by Gabriels Mom on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 3:28am
It's very inappropriate for her to "spoon" with her dad.
She shouldn't be in your room. Why would he want her to lay where y'all have sex? That's weird to me.
Submitted by downright-disgusted on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 3:34am
yeah... :sick: I am going to a counselor on my own cause I don't even know if i want to try to work this out after how he reacted so defensively
Submitted by Gabriels Mom on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 3:52am
They always act defensively. Any time I bring up anything at all that implies my DH is doing something wrong. He gets mad and says I'm calling him a bad father...when I never say that. Just somethings I think he should do differently.
Ask him what he thinks will happen if BM gets wind of it and calls CPS. How exactly does he think that will look to an investigator.
Why would put himself into a position of being accused of molesting his daughter?
Submitted by downright-disgusted on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 3:53am
Submitted by dontcallmestepmom on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 3:57am
He's defensive because he knows this is wrong.
I would tell him firmly that she is not to get into your bed at all anymore.
This is completely inappropriate. You are definitely not wrong.
Submitted by downright-disgusted on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 4:05am
well i told him that when i go see a thereapist, individ. or together with him they will launch some type of investigation. they are legally bound to do so. He says "let them investigate all they want" .... I am just sickened by this new wound to my soul. Marriage to a man with a teenage daughter who thinks its perfectly innocent to lay together and I am the sick and twisted one?? I simply cannot revert back to those old days when women simply kept their mouths shut and looked the other way. I will not. I will not. even though i did not see anything sexual per sey, I know what i saw was highly inappropriate and my gut instinct tells me to report it & run like hell.
Submitted by Gabriels Mom on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 4:15am
Report it and bail. That's not normal. Ask him to tell his friends his teenage daugther gets into his bed and cuddles with him and see what they say.
If someone else reports it and you are still there with him...they will investigate you too. My brother was investigated by CPS and my SIL didn't understand why they were investigating her as well. I said "because you were present and didn't do anything to prevent or stop it"
Submitted by Pinki3663 on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 6:16am
I agree with all the posters above but would add, next time take photos. SHOW him how disgusting it looks. Do not give him the photos. Keep them for the investigation that is bound to happen.
Submitted by xtina on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 8:45am
There is a time and a place for father/daughter bonding and in the marital bed with wife right there is NOT the time. I don't think he is meaning to be creepy about it, but nevertheless it is NOT ok! She is a grown woman who is possibly having sex with teenage boys and I don't see how your husband thinks its appropriate to lay with her. When I was 16/17 my dad would put his arm around me in public, just to be affectionate because we were very close but never got to see each other and I remember feeling embarrassed because I thought "what if i saw a cute boy? I don't want him to think this is my older BF". What I'm getting at is I think your SD knows this behavior is not appropriate and I think you should talk to her about it. She seems like a nice girl who is just seeking the approval of a male when she isn't getting it from boys her own age. Long term, this is setting her up to bad choices.
Submitted by oneoffour on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 11:08am
I think he feels he is making up for lost time. However if she is old enough for a boyfriend then she is old enough to sleep on her own.
Talk to your DH and ask him to check with his men friends ab out whether this is normal or nuts. Let's see if it is just your 'dirty mind' or whether he has escaped reality for a while as he acts like she is 5 yrs old.
As for the "I bet you don't want to hear my stupid boyfriend troubles..."speech, she is looking for sympathy. Just tell her "OK, tell us. But you cannot sit on our bed and you have 5 minutes. If you cannot deal with boyfriend issues maybe you shouldn't have a boyfriend."
Your DH is getting defensive because he knows this is odd. The other option is to move into a different room and become his room mate for a couple weeks. No hugging, touching, sex.Nothing beyond platonic relationship. When he asks what is wrong you can tell him that as he prefers to sleep with his daughter over sharing a bed with you it is obvious you are no longer part of the partnership and you are exploring your options. When he blows a gasket remind him that one day she will be gone and all grown up and he will be very lonely. So counselling is a good idea.
Submitted by doll faced sm on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 11:40am
Walk into the living room one morning, hair dishevelled, and talk about what an amazing night you just had with DH. Feign worry over whether or not the "stains" will come out. Especially as there are so many of them.
Submitted by xtina on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 2:19pm
I think this is perfect!!
OR better yet... have really really loud sex one night while she is at your house. THEN the next day say to your DH in front of her "That was the best night ever! I will never be able to look at our bed the same way." If that STILL doesn't creep her the fuck out then one night be naked when she comes in your room and then she won't come in again.
Submitted by RedWingsFan on Mon, 12/17/2012 - 9:54am
Seriously though, I can't believe her father is allowing it. Until HE does something, it's unlikely things will change.
If this were me, I'd sit him down alone and have a calm conversation about it. Explain how uncomfortable it is, how inappropriate it is, especially given her age, and ask him how he'd feel if he knew a friend of his was sleeping and spooning with his teenage daughter? It's NOT ok.
Let him know what you're prepared to do if he doesn't put a stop to it as well. Whether that be live like roommates until she's gone, move out of your bedroom, refuse sex, whatever it is you care to do. This situation is up to him to fix and if he doesn't, then there's something SERIOUSLY wrong here.
Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 1:02pm
I agree with the making up for lost time theory. DH probably feels he has lost out on many cuddly years with his daughter when she was young and is just glad to have his daughter living with him and being affectionate. If it were cuddling on the sofa I would probably think it was normal and affectionate, but getting into bed with you when you are not her parent is an intrusion.
He probably has no idea how to tell her that she's a bit old for getting into bed with him and fears hurting or offending her, or worst case scenario, driving her to move out again. So he's trying to avoid facing that scenario by denying that there is anything wrong and going on the offensive blame-wise.
Maybe if you explain that you understand those feelings, and are in no way accusing him of being inappropriate, he would be less defensive. You could try explaining the situation from your point of view as someone who is not her mother but is now expected to have a 16 year old in your bed. Maybe if you said 'if I had a 16 year old son, and he got upset or ill, would it be ok for him to sleep in our bed with us?' it would make him think about it from your point of view?
Submitted by saltedwounds on Sun, 12/16/2012 - 1:14pm
Sounds a lot like what I am going through right now with SD17 and the DH. Just got married in June of this year. SD17 is relentless, I feel like I wanna crawl up in a shell at times or just flat out leave.SD17 acts like shes the wife.
Submitted by RedWingsFan on Mon, 12/17/2012 - 10:04am
It was disgusting when SD14 would do that at 12 too. She'd lay down next to daddy on the floor watching movies and put her butt in his crotch, nuzzle his neck, grab his arm and pull it over her body and then hold that hand, fingers interlaced. ICK ICK ICK!
The one and only time I witnessed that behavior, I immediately left the room. He noticed a few minutes later and asked me what was wrong. I explained to him that if you'd lay like that with a lover/spouse, why on earth would you think it's appropriate to lay like that with a CHILD??? He said his initial reaction was "this doesn't feel right" but then he dismissed it because she's "just a little girl and she's my daughter and this is innocent". When I explained to him how it would appear to an outsider (like my daughter and myself) he understood and spoke to SD about it. It never happened again.
Submitted by downright-disgusted on Mon, 12/17/2012 - 11:27pm
Thank you all soo much for your insightful comments. I agree with the one who said that cps is most likely not going to come swooping in to investigate as there are much worse dysfunctional activites happening... this happened 4 mornings ago and I have since moved into the spare room. The DH & I are not speaking as I feel that I have drained my emotional reserve from trying to "calmly " explain how the world sees this, How I see this. and violated I feel.
I have 2 grown daughters and neither of them would ever conceive of spooning their dad, like she did. & he was in his underwear sleeping. I sat her down & told her that this behavior is inappropriate and that I am not tolerating. It seems that the Sd & I are ok. DH is the one with the prob. especially since I am no longer sleeping with him.
... just going min by min, Thank God I work full time, & can go somewhere to get away from this situation. I am also very glad that i found this site and some people who can identify and offer advice & help. Thank you

I dislike my lazy adolescent stepdaughter
Dishing out the work: Mariella suggests asking her husband – instead of his daughter – for help. Photograph: Don Nichols/Getty Images
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
A woman complains her husband’s teenage daughter is too busy taking selfies to help out. Mariella Frostrup suggests ways of trying to befriend her
The dilemma My husband and I have been together for 10 years. During this time I have watched my stepdaughter who lives with us part-time (we have no children of our own – my choice) turn into a self-obsessed, lazy adolescent who is too busy taking selfies to help with chores, like setting the dinner table. I feel like a slave cooking and clearing up after her while she flicks her hair and pouts into a screen. I am getting bitter and resentful. Of course I want us to be a happy family, but I feel so out of control. The one time I did rebuke her, I ended up being told off by my husband that it was not my place to do so. I now avoid being around her when she stays over. I’m afraid I’m beginning to dislike her.
Mariella replies Perfectly possible. The presumption that because you love a partner you’ll unreservedly love their offspring has always seemed a mite unrealistic to me. It’s certainly easier when the child in question is young, unformed and less complicated in their needs and opinions. Once they start morphing into adults and causing havoc with those tasked with raising them, they do briefly become creatures that only a parent can love. You mustn’t take it personally.
Turning into a “self-obsessed, lazy adolescent” is evolution and your stepdaughter’s selfie habit only confirms her as part of the flock. Becoming impossible to live with is what teenagers are meant to do. How else do we let them go out into the big wide world and away from us in just a few short years’ time? Watching Harry Enfield’s Kevin character is helpful to restore your sense of humour and confirm the lack of originality in a teenager’s bad behaviour. Our family favourite is the sketch where he metamorphoses from happy-go-lucky child into depressive, myopic, malcontent at the stroke of midnight on his 13th birthday.
Hormonal surges and uncontrollable emotional peaks and troughs cause mayhem for those committed to parenting and for those on the inherited peripheries where maintaining cordial relations must feel like an insurmountable expectation. You’re lucky you’re only having to cope a couple of nights of the week – imagine what her poor mother is going through.
That said, if you’re less vulnerable to the shifting tectonics that are causing rifts, you’re well placed to provide the voice of reason and score approval from all concerned. In the hormonal storm, an emotionally detached adult can be a safe haven and there lies an opportunity for you to help steer your stepdaughter through these troubling times. Part-time, how much housework can she create? How about, instead of confronting her about her lazy lifestyle choices you use your time together to befriend her? Let your husband do the dishes and you two settle down to some tacky TV, or scroll through Instagram together. You can afford to be lenient, creating a friendship you two can enjoy for decades, rather than just a pyrrhic victory when her Dad gets her to clear the table.
It’s tough being a stepparent, but there’s a big difference between struggling to find easy affection and failing to summon up empathy and kindness. A baseline expectation has to be to behave like a compassionate adult, accepting that your relationship choices have led to you inheriting a degree of responsibility for a life whose existence in yours wasn’t directly chosen. The residue of guilt that seems to be a staple of separation will also be exacerbating the situation. Parents often try assuaging their own feelings of culpability for a relationship breakdown by allowing a damaging degree of leniency. Just because there’s a vacancy doesn’t mean you should take over as bad cop.
You say you two don’t have children because you didn’t want them. It’s interesting that you should feel so comfortable with that unilateral choice if, as seems the case reading between the lines, your husband might have made a different decision. It’s admirable that you know your own mind so well, but I do get a sense that you are used to running things your way and there’s nothing like a teenager to make a house feel overcrowded. So is your frustration born of something other than this child’s laziness? You say you feel “out of control” and there’s quite a build-up of tension and frustration in your letter. More often than not that springs from somewhere other than the target of your ire.
Your stepdaughter may well be metamorphosing into an unbearable, lazy, superficial adult, or she could simply be behaving like the rest of her contemporaries. Either way disliking her won’t help, but improving your relationship with her certainly might. Meanwhile, for help with the housework maybe it’s time to tackle your husband…
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk . Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1

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I’ve been a step-dad to my stepdaughter for three years, since she was 7 ½ years old.
During this time I’ve taken an active role in parenting her, and over time we’ve become quite close. Her mother, my fiancée, is very happy that her daughter has a stable, protective and loving male role model in her life, and I feel wonderful and blessed that I can provide these things for her.
Occasionally (less and less as she grows older), when my daughter goes to bed, her mother or I will sometimes lay down beside her for ten or fifteen minutes to cuddle her. “Cuddling” is snuggling close and quietly talking to her about her day and what’s on her mind. I sometimes gently stroke her forehead by her hairline and this helps her fall asleep. It’s very nurturing for her and she really likes it. I do, too.
I work at home on my computer and I’m very busy much of the time, so it’s a nice treat for both of us to connect. It helps us feel closer, especially on days when there have been behavioural problems and she feels particularly alienated by us.
About a month ago my daughter and I travelled out of town to my Mother and Father-in-Law’s house to look after their dog while they were away on business. I thought it would be a good opportunity for my fiancée to get some time to herself, and for my daughter and I to spend some quality time together.
My daughter is quite used to sleeping at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, as she has been really close to them all of her life. She normally sleeps in a room downstairs in the basement with the dog.
They left me a note stating that I could sleep in their bed, which was fine by me, since it was the most comfortable place to sleep in the house.
When it was my daughter’s bedtime, she asked me if she could sleep with me.
To give you some background information, her mother and I had talked about this before. Since our daughter has never had a father (her birth father was never in her life), my fiancée has always thought that it would be perfectly ok (and healthy) for our daughter to sleep in the same bed as me, if the circumstance ever arose. Since she never had this opportunity as a baby or young girl, it would be beneficial for her to sleep with her m
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